Jacqueline D.
My weight has been a struggle ever since I can remember. Of course, my mother will tell you how tiny I was as a young child, how my pediatrician told her I would always be underweight, and how she cried my first day of school because I was so small that I couldn't climb the stairs of the school bus....I had to crawl up the steps. I can't recall any of that. I only remember being fat and miserable because I was constantly picked on in school.
My Mom has always struggled with her weight as well and has yo-yo dieted her entire adult life. I remember when I was about 5 or so, my Mom took me to one of her Weight Watchers meetings. She stopped at a diner near the meeting location and bought me french fries. I went on my first diet when I was around 12. I went to TOPS meetings with Mom. I did lose weight, and so did Mom....she was "Queen" one year. I'm not sure how either one of us had any amount of success. The meetings were held in my Great Aunt's basement, and they had birthday or some other celebration nearly every week where members would bring unhealthy snacks. Just so you have an idea, my Great Aunt had been a member and hosted these meetings at her house for about 20 years at the time.....she weighed around 500 pounds or so and needed to be weighed in at the local grain elevator. She died several years ago now, and they had to transport her casket on a flatbed truck.
As a pre-teen and teen, I continued to gain weight. Although I received good grades in school, I continued to struggle and be miserable on a social level. I had very few friends, and I was picked on and taunted daily. I started suffering from bouts of depression. My heighest weight in high school was 194 pounds (I'm 5 '2"). About half-way through my junior year, I'd had enough. I started starving myself and taking laxatives like they were M&M's. By the time I graduated from high school, I was down to about 130 pounds. I'd also started losing my hair by the handfuls. I went on to college in the fall immediately following graduation. I continued to lose weight over the summer, and when I started college, I was down to 114 pounds. I was skin and bone. I exercised like a fiend. But by the time I graduated from college, some of my habits had changed. I was back up to about 125 pounds.
After college, I got a job, met my 1st husband, and continued to gain weight. I graduated from college in April of 1994 at about 125 pounds. By the time I married my 1st husband in September of 1997, I weighed about 175 pounds. I was still active at this time. We skiied, hiked, camped, roller-bladed, jogged, and played on our wave-runner. But, I still struggled in trying to lose weight. I loved food and I loved cooking for my husband. My husband was one of those people who could eat whatever he wanted, and I thought I could too. By the time the marriage failed, I was up to around 200 pounds or so. It's kind of a blur now. I did lose some weight during the divorce process.....back down to around 175 or so.
Within months of my divorce being finalized, I met someone new. He lived on the opposite side of the state as I did. Having the job that I do, it was very easy to relocate. So, I packed my bags, moved to the opposite side of the state, and started my downhill journey. Things were fine in the beginning, but we soon began to fight.....daily. I am a stubborn person, and I didn't want to give up. But, the combination of an unhappy relationship and the pressures of relocating and starting a new job took their toll quite rapidly. I almost immediately began putting on weight. We were both "chubby", and although we fought nearly every day, we had a common bond that never dissolved.....we both loved to eat. By the time the relationship finally and mercifully ended, I had ballooned to about 255 pounds. I joined Weight Watchers and dropped to 202 pounds within a few months. I thought I had things under control.....how wrong I was......
I, following a pattern that was set early on in my life, got involved in another unhealthy relationship that lasted for approximately 10 months. I fell into a deep depression that I didn't bounce back from on my own. I put on about 30 pounds before the relationship ended.
Following my pattern, I jumped into another unhealthy relationship. I was actually able to maintain my weight during this one. At 230 pounds or so, I was actually the healthy one! The relationship ended after about 10 months or so.
I met my current husband in March of 2009. I weighed about 235. He likes me "thick". My weight has ballooned ever since. In 2011, I reached my highest weight ever....273 pounds. Although I've lost a few pounds here and there, my weight has been pretty constant over the last year or so. My husband loves me the way I am, but I don't love myself and that's a problem. I can't do things that I used to enjoy. I have few if any friends. The only people that I really associate with are the ones I work with and only at work. I stay home and watch TV because I'm embarrassed to go out. My husband has been wonderful. On the rare occasion that we do go out, he treats me like a princess. He's never embarrassed by me. But, I'm embarrassed. And, I'm miserable. I've spent nearly my entire life struggling with my weight. I've tried Atkins, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, and so many other things. When I've had success, the weight always comes back plus more. I've always told myself that I can lose the weight on my own.....that I know what I need to do. I never thought WLS would be the road that I would take. But, over the last couple of years, my health has begun to deteriorate. I'm going to die young and miserable, without having accomplished some of my biggest dreams, if I don't do something. I've come to the realization that even though I know what I have to do, I need help. Now, I've been given this gift....a tool to aid in my daily struggle. And, I'm going to receive it on February 21, 2012 in the form of RNY. My husband, although he likes me "thick", wants me happy and healthy so we can enjoy a long life together. I'm being given a second chance, and I'm so thankful. I truly feel blessed.
