Heather_K
Time to heal
Feb 21, 2011
I have never been much of a blogger. I've often thought of trying it out but thought I would never have anything interesting to say. Well now I think I do!
First lets step back to last year. My worst year to date. April 15, 2010, two days after my Birthday and I get let go from my job due to "company restructuring" It was a moment of mixed emotions for me. A month and a half later while on my way to drop my then 5 year old daughter off at school, I impaled the top of my left foot with a rusty nail. I will spare you the details but it was nasty! More blood that I have ever seen come out of my body. It didn't really hurt, i think shock took over. Thank goodness for my daughter Marrisa and my neighbour Kathy. Two stitches, a tetanus shot and some antibiotics for the blood poisoning and I was on my way to recovery. I had nightmares for weeks. Id close my eyes and just see blood.
A month later we are spending some time with my Dad. We hadn't seen him much since Christmas prior. He worked out of town alot and when he was around it was hard to schedule around my own life. Anyway, we spent Saturday and Sunday with him for Fathers Day. He and I sat and watched movies while drinking Earl Grey Tea while my DH and brother played video games. I think Marrisa was running back between the rooms to see what everyone was doing. We ended up spending the night. Early the next morning I recall my Dad making us breakfast. I was awake long enough to eat before falling back to sleep on his couch. He spent the next 3 hours playing with his granddaughter. That night he had a nice roast dinner with my Brother then they went off to bed. My Dad died that night. In his sleep, peacefully. He was 62. June 22, 2010. By August I was on antidepressants and barely getting out of bed. My relationship with my little brother had gone to hell. We started fighting about everything. Siblings usually fight, its normal. But not with Nick and I. We have always been close. He is my half brother technically. In my heart, hes my brother and I love him. (My older brother passed away 9 years ago.) In the 21 years that he has been alive we have NEVER fought. I was never close to the older brother so when the younger one started to treat me like the older one did it crushed me...it broke me. I'm a strong person, that is NOT easy to do.
That has been ongoing, much like the fate of my Marriage. That`s a entirely different topic altogether so I will leave it alone but just say that I`m not sure that losing the weight is the only big change for me this year. It was almost December 15th when he was out looking at apartments. Said he was `Sick of waiting for me to get better`
Come January, by fluke I got my blood pressure checked. It was thru the roof! 200/130!!! I'm on meds for it now but that was an eye opener. After my Dad died we discovered that he had several health issues that he was hiding. One was his extremely high BP. he wasn't taking his meds or complying with doctors orders. He had a stroke when my daughter was just a baby, he was over weight and ate nothing but crap or just one meal a day. I decided to have a sit down with his doctor for my own peace of mind. Thank goodness that I did because it has lead me where I am now. I am in a much better state of mind and ready for what this year might bring for me. I don't want to die at 31 or 60. I want to see my child grow into the beautiful woman that she will one day become.
I've started seeing a therapist. I've been talking more to my Mom (she and Dad divorced when I was 6 or 7) She finally has some idea of the hell that I have been going through. If my daughter came to me one day and said "Mom you have no idea how hard it was for me growing up. How mean people were to me" It would break my heart. I know it was a shock to my Mom to hear the things I went through in school. I still remember the first and last name of the boy who nicknamed me "Fat Heather" Or the girl who punched me in the stomach then with a laugh "Don't throw up" That was grade 6. Grade 7 is when i changed for the worse. I had to defend myself somehow and the only way was to put up a brick wall and guard it heavily. Lashing out in angry was the norm but that's all those nasty kids wanted anyway. It just added fuel to the fire.
That's all for now. Its so emotionally draining plus I have a lonely puppy waiting for some loving from Momma.
0 comments
First lets step back to last year. My worst year to date. April 15, 2010, two days after my Birthday and I get let go from my job due to "company restructuring" It was a moment of mixed emotions for me. A month and a half later while on my way to drop my then 5 year old daughter off at school, I impaled the top of my left foot with a rusty nail. I will spare you the details but it was nasty! More blood that I have ever seen come out of my body. It didn't really hurt, i think shock took over. Thank goodness for my daughter Marrisa and my neighbour Kathy. Two stitches, a tetanus shot and some antibiotics for the blood poisoning and I was on my way to recovery. I had nightmares for weeks. Id close my eyes and just see blood.
A month later we are spending some time with my Dad. We hadn't seen him much since Christmas prior. He worked out of town alot and when he was around it was hard to schedule around my own life. Anyway, we spent Saturday and Sunday with him for Fathers Day. He and I sat and watched movies while drinking Earl Grey Tea while my DH and brother played video games. I think Marrisa was running back between the rooms to see what everyone was doing. We ended up spending the night. Early the next morning I recall my Dad making us breakfast. I was awake long enough to eat before falling back to sleep on his couch. He spent the next 3 hours playing with his granddaughter. That night he had a nice roast dinner with my Brother then they went off to bed. My Dad died that night. In his sleep, peacefully. He was 62. June 22, 2010. By August I was on antidepressants and barely getting out of bed. My relationship with my little brother had gone to hell. We started fighting about everything. Siblings usually fight, its normal. But not with Nick and I. We have always been close. He is my half brother technically. In my heart, hes my brother and I love him. (My older brother passed away 9 years ago.) In the 21 years that he has been alive we have NEVER fought. I was never close to the older brother so when the younger one started to treat me like the older one did it crushed me...it broke me. I'm a strong person, that is NOT easy to do.
That has been ongoing, much like the fate of my Marriage. That`s a entirely different topic altogether so I will leave it alone but just say that I`m not sure that losing the weight is the only big change for me this year. It was almost December 15th when he was out looking at apartments. Said he was `Sick of waiting for me to get better`
Come January, by fluke I got my blood pressure checked. It was thru the roof! 200/130!!! I'm on meds for it now but that was an eye opener. After my Dad died we discovered that he had several health issues that he was hiding. One was his extremely high BP. he wasn't taking his meds or complying with doctors orders. He had a stroke when my daughter was just a baby, he was over weight and ate nothing but crap or just one meal a day. I decided to have a sit down with his doctor for my own peace of mind. Thank goodness that I did because it has lead me where I am now. I am in a much better state of mind and ready for what this year might bring for me. I don't want to die at 31 or 60. I want to see my child grow into the beautiful woman that she will one day become.
I've started seeing a therapist. I've been talking more to my Mom (she and Dad divorced when I was 6 or 7) She finally has some idea of the hell that I have been going through. If my daughter came to me one day and said "Mom you have no idea how hard it was for me growing up. How mean people were to me" It would break my heart. I know it was a shock to my Mom to hear the things I went through in school. I still remember the first and last name of the boy who nicknamed me "Fat Heather" Or the girl who punched me in the stomach then with a laugh "Don't throw up" That was grade 6. Grade 7 is when i changed for the worse. I had to defend myself somehow and the only way was to put up a brick wall and guard it heavily. Lashing out in angry was the norm but that's all those nasty kids wanted anyway. It just added fuel to the fire.
That's all for now. Its so emotionally draining plus I have a lonely puppy waiting for some loving from Momma.
