Geminisappho

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

Already a few days into the new year and I am turing into a glass half full type of girl. Now mind you my cup has many holes all held together with duct tape, but it's holding and if it's starts to leak I'll just get that little dutch boy to put his finger in the dam.....wait that sounded bad.....I meant dutch girl.
On Monday I had all my pre-op testing done and over with and that morning heard from my surgeons office that my psych eval was favorable. I was pretty worried about the eval as he seemed a bit of an ass but It all turned out well and if he approved me he can be an ass for all I care from now on.
After that phone call things felt very real and I got very excited and a bit nervous too. I feel so prepared for this surgery with allot of help from OH but you just never know how things are going to end and lets hope it's not me face up on a gurny with a toe tag.
Yet , I suppose all this is going to end at the end of December 2012. All this, to be able to live in my "new" body for only a bit over a year. Yeah, I don't think so.
I have a friend that is truly into it and wants us to take her cat when she dies at the apocolypse. We said sure, knowing our special force field will keep the four horsemen out. I don't know where her rational is but I do know if anyone else dies in our circle and we get to "inherit" their furry friends we are going to sign up to become a non-profit shelter.
 

So one of my first step has been completed. We saw the nutritionist with Dr. Thoman's office on Tuesday.
She was super nice had lots of great advice (uh duh!) I have done so much research on this that I really didn't feel liek she told me anything I didn't already know. I was interesting talking to her about my eating habits. And although I know they are not that great I was surprised about how "ungreat" (coined) I am doing. So it's a good reality check for me to really get things in gear before surgery.
She asked If I hid food. It seemed so natural to me that when asked this I was taken aback and really had to look at myself and my actions. I know when my partner comes home and I have some fast food or what have you trash I usually bury in the trash so just not to deal with the explanation of another bad food and finacial choice I have made. But it's good it's been brought to light , so to speak, as this will stop.
I got a whole heap of paperwork that will need to be done before I can even talk to the surgeon (which I find a little stange) so all that starts Jan 3rd so hopefully if all goes as planned late Feb I will be on the losers bench. I can't wait to be a loser!

It looks like I am waiting. I talked to my boss yesterday and they said it would be best if I had my surgery around January of this coming year. I asked them as a courtesy as to see when I could take time off so I could have surgery yet I did not expect a 4-5 month wait. I am a little pissed about it but I did open that can and I guess I should not be too made because I didn't get any cherries in my fruit cup.

I don't want to push the subject either because last year I was out for 3 months recovering from a motorcycle accident and I feel badly enough about it. As in most cases there are pro's and con's to this.  Waiting, well I am just not a good waiter and not in the aspect of spilling your breakfast platter on you but I am just so damn impatient. It's just more months of feeling like shit. Walking up a simple flight of stairs in a semi brisk fashion will leave me catching my breath and wishing I had a rascal. Fitting into my clothes or lack there of. Getting bigger and wondering if I should buy bigger or nit a burlap sack together and call it good.

I have a few pros though (remember lack of patience here.)  I will make my work happy and I do enjoy working here and I want to make life there as easy as possible because they are good to me and I respect them. The biggest pro and the one that makes me try to swallow a big gulp of patience is the fact that with my insurance and yearly out of pocket maximum, with surgey in January, all my health care will be covered without a dime out of my pocket for the remainder of the year. So any complications and follow up should be covered.

So while I can't see the whole picture about waiting now, I see a bit of it and I suppose what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Or so they say.....who are they???

I am digesting alot right now. Physically I ate way too much mashed pototoes from KFC, my flipping vice is those fake ass mashed taters.  It's the only thing I get there but a large mashed...okay, okay, 2 larged mashed and I am still burping that starchy goodness 6 hours later. I am sure I have GERD. It burns so good. Oh the things we do to our bodies. Can I say how pleased I will be post op (whenever the hell that is) that I can still eat this creamy goodnes.. Okay maybe a bite but still a large will last me a week! Ha! Sticking to the colonel.

Mentally I am digesting all the surgery options, risk/benefits, financing, location  ect....blah blah blah. I can't sleep. I am not losing sleep over this per se , this is a concious deprivation of the REM. Talking with a friend today they ask a question that I about slapped my forehead with, twice! "How are you going to pay for it?"  Woah, woah, woah , you mean I have to pay for this? Wow. I can't even begin to say what an ass I felt like. All this worrying about what type of surgery and the who, what , when , where , why ......the 'how' surprisingly took the back door.

I stressed. I pondered. I know I did not want to borrow from anyone. One I am too damn stubborn and two I do not like to make my problems someone elses. I do not look down on someone whom has had financial assistance from friend/family in any way and I wish my personality could allow it but for me that was not an option I wanted to persue. I also know myself well enough that I would have asked a few select family members and knowing myself If they said "no" I would be bitter, I would hold a bit of resentment. Maybe it is not the most mature thing to think but I know how my clock ticks.

So what are my options with limited savings as I am more of a spender. Well I'm gonna get my debt on....again. Rounding up credit cards with some balance available on them and just opening a new one will enable me to cover my part of the copays. I am so pleased. I hate having debt though and it stresses me to have it or think about it but I have to keep in the forefront of my mind this is for me, this is for me, and I will be around alot longer to pay it off and well...rack em back up again! Weeeee!

Maybe I am jumping the gun as I am still awaiting to hear back from my potential surgeons office and the dreaded await for my approval. Yet I did not want to get in the predicament of not having any financial means but having the go ahead for surgery. So I hope I get approved and get to travel down the road of weight loss in the mean time I wait....and resist the urge to spend that available credit.

Life is a constant stuggle. And if your not stuggling in one aspect of your life or another you better take another look, sit down and have a Xanex while your at it. I don't mean to be negative but I am a pessimist or a realist depending on who the conversation is with. My cup is half empty and I am okay with having another taste.

I stuggle, I contemplate, I create in my life. I can destroy as well. I have worked on my self destruction for years without much care. Do I care when I cant fit into anything that I like, yes. Do I care when I am cramming junk down my throat, no. It's euphoric, it's my drug. I am an addict.

My additction to food has changed so many aspects of my life and many I do not know as I have not experienced them due to my lack of will power. That next fix, that feeling even thinking about some naughty food is uplifting. I stuggle to even not think about food at times. You had me at mashed potatoes.

During this journey (don't stop believing) I hope in the very least to become happy with who I am. An ultimatley , with or without weight loss that is something I will have to uncover on my own. No one can fill my half empty cup but me. I just hope the pitcher does not spring a leak.