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Reflections in my mind and in my soul!

They say a picture is worth a thousand words so I look at these photos and I am overwhelmed by the emotions I feels when I look at them. Zion keeps growing and delighting us and Jimmy is a wonderful big brother. Nyome loves being a mom a it shows. Life has not been easy for her but she keeps focused on her kids and that in the end is really what matters. When you bring children into the world they come with no instructions, so it is up to us to make sure we protect love them and guide them, so they can become all they want to be. I reflect on this because as my kids get older and they are having children of their own and I see that my teachings have not been in vain. So life while not easy or simple is moving forward. Today I want to talk about my feelings after almost a year of having gastric bypass surgery. I want to make sure that people understand that these are just my thoughts and a way for me to heal and make sure that if anyone is going through the same kinds of things they know they are not alone. I feel as this journey continues that sometimes I am alone but that is just part of the process. When I was 429 pounds a year ago and looking at a double knee replacement, I had done a lot of research about this surgery. For three years me and my DR had talked about the possibility of doing this because all the traditional methods I had tried for years were not working. I had changed my whole lifestyle and eating habits of all my family and everyone was healthier and I was not, I kept gaining weight. SO as my work with Dr. Keil moved on and I read more and more about the surgery I decided this was something I needed to consider and I did. I started seeing the team at Dean Clinic and the rest is history with all the documentation on my medical file and almost six months of a supervised diet my surgery was approved and the road to change was about to begin. On Dec 12, 2006 Dr Sunby operated on me and this new me started to emerge. The healing of my scar was pretty good. I only had one hot spot and that healed after a month of so. AS the weight came off my body began to shift and change, my abdomen became bigger than the rest of my body and in May I had a panniculectomy and that brought many other changes so very positive and some kind of hard to deal with. In October of this year I had to have a Hernia repair and mesh reconstruction of my abdomen. That healed pretty good and I finally feel like I am gaining my strength a little by little life is getting back to normal. Did I know when I started this journey that all this was going to happen? Would I still have done it if I had known? The answer to all those questions is yes, because when I had this surgery I was doing it for me and so that I could run around after my grand kids and be there for them as they got older. People have asked me if I have regrets and do I miss food? My answer to them is not really I don't miss food because I can eat almost anything I just eat small quantities of food. I have to be aware what I put in my mouth because some foods can make me sick but that is about it. The regrets if any have to do with the lost of self and no knowing what my space in the world is anymore and those things are not concrete enough for people to understand. I finally feel like I can talk about this because though working with my Dr and my therapist I am learning that healing is a process that needs to be embraced so it can be an effective tool not only for you but for those affected by you. I know that I don't exist in a vacuum and my family and people that I love are there and I need to be there in the moment with them regardless of what might be going inside my head. So everyday I realize that even though I may be struggling with my inner thoughts and feelings I keep going on because I know that there has to be an answer inside of me to the conflicts that are deep inside of me. The struggle I have has to do with the space I occupy in the world, as a big person my persona seemed to be larger than life and powerful, for a long time I was not feeling that way. I was feeling lost and mourning the lost of me. I have lost over 200 pounds and that is a full sized woman in itself, and in losing her I almost lost me. I looked at myself in the mirror and I could not recognize me, I would put on clothes and be lost in them and then I started loosing my hair and life as I knew it really changed. All my life the one thing that had defined me was my beautiful curly hair and as it kept falling so did all the layers I was using to hide. I realize know that part of the reason I have felt so lost is because being a big woman protected me from dealing with the issues of abuse and lost I had as young kid. As the fat came off the insecurities came out and the me I had so hard to work to create became the seven year old who did not know how to protect herself from the predators that where around her. I have never felt so vulnerable in my life, there was almost a fragile quality to this new me that was emerging and I was really sure I did not want to be a fragile woman. All my life I had worked so hard to be the person I was and all that was lost and I had to find it in order to get better, not only physically but emotionally. This process is continuous I find myself always making sure that I analyze the reasons why I do the things I do. I try to not take for granted what I have and I try to share with other my experiences to see if they can help anyone. There is still a part of me that feels I have betrayed all the beautiful big people out there that embrace who they are everyday. The people I fight so hard to make sure they are not discriminated against. Fat jokes and making fun of big people are such a staple of our society and I know the cruelty that comes from that. Being fat has given me a different perspective on the way the world deals with discrimination. some one said to me once you have a double whammy you are fat and a Latina woman. I told that person well I have double the love to give, but as I lost the fat the insecurities and pain where so strong I knew I needed help. I am feeling better and I embraced my baldness and the lost of all those layers of fat and I am learning that each day is an adventure that I have to embrace. I know I still have more work to do but as long as I realize this the battle is half won. I have more to share about this so keep reading my blog to find out what I am doing. I have included images of me through out this journey so you can see some of the changes. Remember to embrace the you that is inside and that faults and all you are a beautiful person. That my friends is a lesson I will never forget. Much love and hugs Wanda

My life as always is a series of movements that all combined are the essence of what makes me the person I am today but for whatever reason also makes me think of things way to much and I decided I needed a rest from Cyber space so I could figure out what was really getting to me. It is not easy going through changes in our own personal world. When those changes involve not only you but all the things you always strive for. Combine that with a family that is also in constant change and fluctuation and you get me. While it is not an excuse for being absent so long it is more of an explanation as to why I stopped blogging and writing even though both things are important in my life and make me happy. What I know is that since June my life has taken many roads, some of which I can share with everyone and some of which can't be really shared because they involved people in my family that need to be protected and I do like to respect the wishes of those I love. I will start by sharing that I have a new grandson his name is Zion Xavier and he was born on September 10, 2007 at four o'clock in the morning. I was his mother's doula and what an honor to be a part of my daughter and my grandson's life in this way. My daughter Nicole and I where there to assist her and the photos we took tell the story of a little boy brought into this world with love and a family that will always be there to protect him. He is getting bigger and bigger as the weeks turn into months. His Mom and him have bonded and big brother Jimmy loves being a big brother. I love that I can see the development of this precious child and document him. I think that is a blessing I will never take for granted. Thanksgiving was wonderful except My older son was working and could not make it but otherwise my kids were there. Jimmy was with his Dad and this place our home is not the same unless he is around. I had my third surgery on October 11, 2007 Hernia repair with mesh. It has taken a while for my body to get back into the swing of things but now it looks like it might. The Dr says I may go back to work on January 22, 2008 so I am looking forward to that I miss my students and the energy they bring to my life. I think in the mist of all the changes it is important that I revisit the day my life changed forever. On Dec 12, 2006 I underwent gastric bypass surgery on of the photos is the collage is of me the day of my surgery. I was out an about walking right after surgery, I knew that that was the most important thing the Dr. had focused on when we talked about my recuperation. At my highest weight I was 430 pounds plus. The day I was going to see Dr Keil I was 409 pounds and when I had the surgery I was 369 pounds. Today I am 204 pounds and I feel like a totally different woman. The changes have not been easy. I still find it hard to find my space in the world, being a large person for so long offered the spectrum of invisibility and criticism that made me a very strong person. I developed a lot of what I did as a person surrounded by this larger than life beautiful woman and here I am devoid of all of this and I find myself loss. Why do I talk about this because when people are thinking of bypass surgery this is one of those subject that is never really talked about. People talk about missing food. I don't miss food I eat what I need to but really don't focus on food because for me that is not important. I have developed healthier eating habits that have been embraced by my family and that makes me feel that my grandsons will have the perfect balance in their lives when it comes to food. Jimmy would much rather eat a clementine than eat candy. I love watching him use his motor skills to peel an Orange for a kid with sensory autism issues that is a big deal. My biggest issue when it comes to the weight loss is finding myself and embracing the new person that is emerging from the layers of fat that have protected me all these years. As a victim of Abuse it was very easy for me to hide behind this fat and be invisible to others and be accepted by others on my terms. Now as the fat goes away the person that is emerging is dealing with so many emotional changes I felt it was necessary for me to take a break and try to find me. The truth is that I have not found me yet but what I do know is that unless I embrace the person I am today and all the implies I can't love me. I loved this big woman that always had something to say and now I find myself thinking twice what I have to say, part of it is because now people listen more our society is that way, but part of it is that I feel I have lost my voice and that the world is not ready for anything I have to say. These thoughts are not the reality of who I am so I struggle with this person that looks at me in the mirror everyday. I look and I have a hard finding me, I know I am there but it does not look like me and it does not feel like me and right now the truth is not easy for people to understand, so I smile and I embrace the changes because I know I am a beautiful woman inside that has for so many years given of herself to her family. I know that I travel this road I will find me and in this finding I will rejoice life is all about fluctuations and change and I always have embraced changes. I think one of the reasons the changes have hit me so hard is because they have been so fast, in a year in lest than a year I lost more than 200 pounds, I have had three surgeries and I am on disability from work, my routine is different than when I was working. I focus on myself and my body I walk, do exercises and make sure I create. I thank my lucky stars everyday for the Scrapbook superstore and the wonderful owner who allows me to be me and has embraced my creativity. The only reason I am still sane has to do with them. I want to talk more about the lost of self in another entry not because I am still lost but because I am sure that there are people out there dealing with the same thing and I hope I can help. The list of first I have been able to do in the last few months keeps growing so I need to document all that and also that I have lost over 80 inches all over my body. So although my life as always is not a calm oasis I would not change a thing because it is my life and everyday is an opportunity for growth and to learn. I realize that if I don't grow within the changes that are happening to me I will not become centered and life for me is all about that. To all you reading this is the blog /OH world remember life is what you decide to make of it, embracing the you that is here today will help you become a better person tomorrow, remember a smile is free and when you give one you can make somebody's day. Peace out Hugs Wanda

http://www.obesityhelp.com/photos/uzone,photos/action,gallery/albumId,23603/curPhoto,198753/

I have been meaning to do this and keep putting it off. I am a firm believer that only positive things should be the focus of the things you say or do. Don't get me wrong negative things are a part of daily life and I deal with these as I have too. My life is no bed of roses and people that know me know how difficult it can be, but I try to always look at the positive side of things because it means I can grow with each experience and learn to help others who might be going through the same thing. The power of negative energy is to much to handle to let it take over your life.
I had this surgery to be healthier and to loss the weight that was killing me. I am not going to engage in negative things when that also kills you and your spirit. I love life to much and want to make sure those that are around me feel the love.
I have been busy getting my house ready for sale. My kids are trying to buy the house so we don't loose it, but if the sale does not happen the house will have to be sold and life has to go on. I love this house and now that my son has put these new floors in and tile I love it even more but one of the things we have to do in life is live in reality and that is where I am right now living in reality. I don't have regrets about the surgery I just wished my body had reacted in a different way and I would of been able to go back to work but so is life and when life give you lemons you make lemonade or ice cubes whatever makes you happy. 
I am learning there are just things you can't control your body is one of them.  After having my second surgery on May 15,2007 my body is still giving me issues. my incision has opened in small fistulas that drain fluid that accumulates in different spots of my incision. The latest development is a Seroma that opened up into another fistula with more fluid draining  and another infection that was caught at the start. It is a process and I have to take it all in stride, I am still worried about other things but I keep doing what I have to do to keep my health my number one priority.
Here are some photos of the house as it is being worked on by my kids and hubby and a layout of the journey so far. Hugs Wanda

I am thinking sometimes that is a good thing sometimes it is not so I will leave it up to the people who read my blog to decide. This has been a hard week for me, my incision is leaking fluid and the Dr says she will have to reopen part of it if it continues. I don't want to have to deal with that so I am trying to will my body to heal easier said than done. I am not doing much my hubby took three weeks off work so he could take care of me and the house and I really have been focused on me and that is a good thing. He goes back to work on Monday and is worried but I promised to take it easy and I am pretty good at keeping my life simple. I have worked really hard to be where I am now I am not putting my health at risk. My concerns are of other nature and right now I really have to keep thinking about solutions to my very serious economic situation. I am on disability from my job and as of June 15 my contract with the school District is done and I am out of any kind of Income. Usually that is not a problem I divide my checks in twelve months but with the disability checks you can't do that. I am not going to be working summer school this year because of my health issues my Dr has not released me to work yet and I need to get better to be able to work. My energy levels are still low compared to how I felt a month ago this surgery does take a lot of energy from you. Add to that my labs still coming up with my anemia so who knows what my Dr will say when I go in to see him. I know I have to think my health is first but when you have a family and bills to pay you really have to think about that too. I want to start making jewelery and start selling that. I still have scarves that I want to sell. I know with summer here people don't like to think of winter or winter things. I have to find a solution to my dilemma and I need wisdom in making the right choices. Life is not always easy but since my motto is always keeping it real, I will try my best to make sure I live by what I preach. I was thinking there is a solution and I just need to find it, keep me in your thoughts and prayers because this is one of those things that really only I can solve. I don't have a rich uncle somewhere so I need to be the solution to my problem.
Yesterday I applied for a job , I have not applied for a job in years so I was out of practice, I know that their is a good chance I might get this job. A year ago no, I have to be on my feet for Seven hours a day give or take but WLS has allowed me to be brave and apply for a job, and know I can do it.  This is why in my life there is never a dull moment.

It has been a while since we last saw each other in the process of my journey one of the things I have neglected are my blogs not sure why but here I am again, hopefully I will be more consistent and update every week or more. So what have I been up too? I just had surgery on May 15, 2007 I had a panniculectomy the plastic surgeon removed part of my lower abdomen including my belly button and now all that extra weight that was in my front is gone. I can see my knees I have dimples in my knees it is kind of funny. I can fit into clothes I never thought I could wear. I have lost a total of 150 pounds since this journey started,the day of my first surgery the gastric bypass I was at 389 since the surgery I have lost 130 pounds, I sometimes have a hard time believing all I have lost but it is true and the fact none of my clothes really fit is why I know it is real. I look at my face and I have big eyes, cheekbones, I am 109 pounds away from my goal weight. I gave myself a 150 as goal weight. If I lose more I am OK with that but 150 is the goal for me right now. I had to go to the emergency room on Thursday night because my JP drain was not working and when I got to the emergency room it had fallen off my body. In the afternoon I had gone to see my Primary Doctor and he was worried about an infection so he gave me a shot (hurt like @#$#) and gave me antibiotics to drink, the emergency room ran labs and I had to call my surgeon in the morning to see what she wants to do.I went to see my Surgeon DR Spring and she was also concerned about infection and fluid retention so I continue to use my furosomide. See taking care of me is a 24/7 job. My labs say I have anemia so I have to keep on top of that. Life really never stops around here. One of the things that happened to me in the last three months was a computer malfunction so I was with no computer for almost five weeks give or take. I know I am computer dependent but when the computer was not here I could not even pay the bills.

In April I had pneumonia and that made it so I almost missed my fathers 70 birthday in Puerto Rico, on April 20 all the siblings were going to get together and surprise my Dad on this big birthday celebration he had no Idea was going on. My DR gave me the OK to go a Day before my plane was scheduled to leave, needless to say it is a great thing my daughter is a flight attendant those trips would never happen otherwise, I don't have the resources to do things like this but her benefits make it possible for me to go places. I don't think I thank her enough for being who she is. We got there Wednesday in the afternoon, Thursday and Friday she and I went to the beach so she could get some sun and then Friday night we had the Birthday bash and she and I danced the night away, it was wonderful to just let go and dance and not worry about not being able to breath. While I was in Puerto Rico my Titi Ana gave me Salvia (Aloe) and that took care of my sickness for good. The biggest thing for me about going to the island is that I was going to see my little brother on my Dad's side after almost thirty six years we were going to see each other again, I was finally going to meet his wife and two of his kids. I think that there are truly no words to express the joy I have in my heart right now that this has happened, sitting next to him, talking dancing sharing made me realize how many thing he and I have in common and the deep connection we share. I loved his wife, she is like me says it like it is and such a wonderful heart you can tell by the way she is with babies, his kids oh man they reminded me of mine when they were that age. Good times good times. Nicole had to go back to work on Saturday so I stayed in the island for about a week more and got to share with my Sister Eva her Kids and I got to see a little more of my Big brother Adalberto, I think as we get older we realize how important are the connections we have with each other. I think for me that is what it's all about family is number one and we need to make sure we take care of the one's we love and keep cultivating those relationships so they grow up to be strong trees that even in storms can not be moved.This reminds me of the most wonderful person I have the honor of calling friend she has been my number one fan since I started this journey and when I had this second surgery she came in to see me at the hospital, I know for a fact she is a very busy woman but always takes time for me it humbles me to call her friend. I know she reads my blog so Rita if you are reading this thank you so much for all you do for me and for always making me feel very special. You have a gift my friend the world is a better place because you are in it. I love ya!! Moving on! I want to go visit my brother this summer, I want to go back to the island before summer is over. This is going to be the first year I will not be teaching summer school, if my DR releases me to work I will need to find a job after June 15 I have no income coming to me at all because of the way this disability works. They only pay you for the hours you are under contract and as on June 15 the contract is done and I don't start again until the end of August or the Dr releases me to work which can be longer. I am so worried at many levels especially because right now my health is fragile. So keep me in your thoughts so I can keep healing and get a summer job that I enjoy and will make sure I pay the bills. I will come back to this theme at another time. Just pray I receive wisdom to make the right choices. I am going to be a grandma again in September looking forward to that a new life is always a blessing and Jimmy is looking forward to being a big brother.
I also want to acknowledge my Angel her at OH her name is Cira and she has been such a blessing for me. Her phone calls always come at the perfect moment, she always has a word of encouragement. I hope that I will meet her one day and give her a big hug for all she has done for me. The support you receive in the most critical times is something you never forget. I will never forget you beautiful Cira. Love Ya
Here are images of some of the things I have been talking about. Remember to live life with a purpose no matter what you do in life if you live life with a purpose you are always going to touch someone. Enjoy the photos more to come soon I hope. Hugs Wanda

I am a very happy woman because despite all the setbacks and issues of my Panni I have been losing weight slowly but surely. Since the day of my surgery in which I left the Hospital at 379 right now I weigh 292 pounds which make my total lost from surgery 83 pounds not bad at all I have to say. I started this Journey back in August of 2006 and at that time I was at 409 pounds so my total weight lost has been 117 pounds In my wildest dreams I don't think I could of imagined this happening for me after years of working so hard at trying to lost the weight.
I have had my share of heart breaks like the fact that all my weight is now centered on my abdomen which is bringing secondary effects that make my life a little more complicated than I need it. I have developed complications with my legs that have me in physical therapy I am home still not able to work because of these complications which all have to do with my panni. As my body gets smaller and smaller my panni is creating so much pressure on my legs that I can loose my balance and I have developed varicose veins and plantar and and ankle problems because of this. Despite all the set backs I keep my spirits up because as I see my transformation I know I did the right thing. I see the plastic surgeon again on Monday and hopefully I will have a date for the panniculectomy  which is all I want. I want to see light at the end of the tunnel and know that I will be able to walk again and not be injured by the massive weight of my abdomen. I think based on the grading system the have my panni is a 5 plus because it hangs after my knees.
I have lots of photos to share I turned 46 on March 30 and I had the most wonderful birthday a mother can ask for. All my kids were home and I was able to do the things I enjoy doing for them and we shared in the mutual love we have for each other. There are really no words in the world to explain how I felt that day. The only thing missing was Jimmy who is in Florida with his paternal grandparents but I was able to talk to him on the phone and he sang me Happy Birthday got to love that kid. On other news fronts I am going to be a grandma in September and I am looking forward to this new member of the family.


Here I am at 410 pounds


Here I am at 410 pounds


This was taken when I was 320


300


300


295


295


295


295





294 on my birthday














410


410


My new grandbaby





My daughter


I think She/he was waving at us that day!


The miracle of life always makes me humble.



I want to document as much as I can of this new life so my camera will always be around.



The changes in my physical  body are plenty but the changes inside of me are even more pertinent to the journey I wanted to be a part of. I have a healthy outlook on a lot of things and I am learning that I have to keep working to reach any goals I want for myself. Nothing is going to handed to me I have to work for it. I know that things will always take time and that is sometimes a hard lesson for anyone to learn. Many hugs and  much love Wanda

As a teacher it has been my mantra that you have to be a positive example in your students life. As a mother that is what keeps me going! I am trying as a WLS patient to be that a positive example even when things are not perfect knowing that this surgery is a tool and that I was given this tool to use it. I am at 317 pounds which means that since the day of my surgery I have lost 63 pounds. I left the Hospital at 370, came home and as of today this is my weight loss. It has been slow and steady and because of my fluid retention on my abdomen who knows how many more pounds I have lost. I am taking my furrosimide everyday because my legs get really swollen with the shift on how I carry my weight. I have Varicose veins popping everywhere because of the change in how my weight is carried. You ask me will you have done it if you knew all these was going to happen my answer is yes. I just would of been more mentally prepared for the challenges ahead. I am doing OK I am still at home due to Dr's orders I loose my balance easily and the weight of my Panni is taking a toll on my back. I go see another plastic surgeon on Tuesday and then I will know when I will have the next surgery. I am worried but my worries are more of a financial nature I am the main wage earner in the house so I am waiting on a decision from the people that handle our long term disability policy and see what they have to say. I am hoping that all goes well and not to many hurdles to jump. I miss being in the classroom but right now I know I would not be of any good in a class full of teenagers. I want to be well so I can give them my all. So April is the date the Dr has in mind right now but that is also tentative and if I have surgery that can change. My life is never easy, but I roll with the punches because I know I am blessed in so many ways. I try to always look for that light at the end of the tunnel that will illuminate my path so I don't falter and I keep going always with the hope that things have to get better. I think that keeps me balanced. My hubby and my youngest went to Puerto Rico to visit family and this is when I am happy Nicole does the job she loves. Her benefits blessed us with the opportunity to go and see our family. I know before she had this job I had not been to Puerto Rico in almost seven years. So now they are there and I am hoping it stops raining enough that they can enjoy their stay. I am pretty sure they will. I miss them but I am so happy they got to go. They stay with family so not to much cost involved and the trip is part of her benefits. I hope I can go this summer and spend some time with my family over there. It will all depend on my health.


I created this slide show I hope it works. My work and passion! Hugs and stay well Wanda

Today is a day I want to tackle a topic that affects many people dealing with body image even after they have loss weight. I remember sitting with my DR about three years ago talking about my weight and the concerns I had down the road because I was so heavy. At the time I think I was about 425 pounds and even though my health was good I had suffered an injury to my knee that changed my life forever. I fell going up some stairs in my school and in trying to break the fall, I hit my knee and crushed it. I got up kept walking even though I was in pain and continued going on with my day. When I got home I could not move and so the story begins. I lost my mobility for months was in a wheelchair for a while then upgraded to a cane with warnings to use the wheelchair because I needed to give my knees a break. I am stubborn by nature so I continued to walk even though the pain was horrible some times so I would cry myself to sleep. I had surgery they cleaned the debris on the knee and was told I need to realize that I was going to need my knees replaced but because of my weight the surgery was not only a risk but if you think about it what would be the point. Now I have had arthritis in my knees since I was Seven I had Rheumatic Fever at that age and my joints have suffered a lot since that time. As the years went by and I added more weight to my body the damage was really extensive. I have no Cartilage on both knees and some days at night the pain is so horrible I get up crying. I have been given a Fentinol patch that really has helped me and I think is one of the reasons I can walk on the treadmill 70-90 minutes a day.  Which in a round about way brings me to what it is I wanted to talk about today. My son went to Texas over the weekend to go see Wrestling The Royal Rumble to be more specific. He had a wonderful time, he always plans these trips ahead of time sometimes a year or more buys tickets hotel airfare, vacation time. He is a planner, so he decided to do a trial run to walk to the Arena since his hotel was away from everything but close to the Arena. So he leaves on his walk and since he is following a map and not familiar with the area comes to a creek and decides to go through it and get his shoes all wet and socks all wet, now this is the only pair he brought and the event was the next day. He calls me to tell me what happened and also to tell me on the way back he found a dry route which he was going to take the next day. He says to me I guess I should take photos of all that stuff so you have pictures when you want to tell the story. This explains the photo of the shoes you see in the post. The point is my kids know me enough that they know everything about them is important and no little detail is little. I am then reminded that it all comes from my motto in life which is you most love yourself first if you want to be who you want to be in life. I was a very young mother my son was born when I was still 13 I am lucky that I found the man of my dreams and 33 years and counting we are still together. The thing is if I did not love myself how can he love me. I know it is a hard concept to grasp and people don't really like to look at what makes them who they are because sometimes we don't like what we see.
So I am sitting here and thinking about why is it that I love myself, and why do I think it is important. The subject is something not everyone feels comfortable talking about because it means deep introspection and let's face it is easier to avoid things than to confront our demons. I live by certain rules and one of them if you can't say something nice then you really are not looking deep enough we all have something good inside. One of the concerns I had as I embarked on this weight loss journey had to do with losing me for so long the person I was tied to the weight I was carrying. I love me and that person that smiled at me in the mirror was a wonderful person and I did not want to loose her. So I debated inside of me and finally figured out that regardless of my weight my spirit and the things that make me who I am are not going to change and that I was going to be just fine. Which brings me back to my Dr see all is full circle when I told him I was finally ready to start the process of getting approved for the surgery he was so proud of me and he said something I will always carry in my heart. You are going to go through a lot of changes but the thing that makes you who you are that will not change because you love yourself. I think I almost started crying because he understood the fear I had of losing me and with his words reassured me that everything was going to be OK. Here I am almost six months after this conversation and remembering that everyday I have to honor the person I am and celebrate me flaws and all because I love who I am. I think for the most part I have taught my kids this lesson. I have one that when we talk I always say to her you really need to start loving yourself if you really want to make the changes you need to make in your life. She looks at me and knows what I mean and responds I really don’t know if I know how too. I wish I could help her but I can’t we all have to find our path to this journey of self discover and love. I can offer guidance and support but that is all I can offer. It is so hard sometimes but as a parent is the hardest thing to do. I think right now I am in a very self-centered approach to life. I need to focus all my energy on getting better and being able to make decisions that are going to affect not only my life but the lives of the people I love. The road to change is not easy but I know that because of the support circle I have I can’t count on them when I feel that life is getting to hard to handle all by myself. My life has never been easy and the things I have gone through require a book to be written eventually I will write the book. In the meantime I take photo and write down the stories and my thoughts so that those that love me know not only how I feel about them but what I was thinking at the time. I think that loving oneself is just one of those life lessons that we can’t dismiss because if we can’t love ourselves who will. So if you are out there and not loving yourself rethink your views and realize that this surgery is just a tool and that if you don’t love yourself when you are big how can you love yourself when you are skinny. I leave you with some images that make me smile and cry all at the same time. Remember each day to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how much you love you and what are you going to do today to prove it. I know it sounds silly but you have to do it. Hugs Wanda

It is hard for me to do an update and be negative because for me this surgery has been a blessing. Many things come into my head as I try to look for the answers that no one really has. I started this journey knowing that there would be obstacles in my way but right now my biggest obstacle is my Panni. As I lose weight the only thing in my body that is not lossing is my abdomen. It is so big I lose balance and can fall on my face especially when I climb stairs. That does not stop me from walking 70 minutes or more on my threadmill. I am going to start doing some Salsa Dancing this week. It surprises the health people I am working with that despite this huge huge pannis I continue to move and do what ever I have to do to make sure I am using this tool.
So today I go see my surgeon and the team of people I work with. My Nut is very proud of me, hey I am proud of me for doing the things I know in the long run are going to make my life better. Dr.Sunby is concerned because of the amount of fluid being retained by the panni especially when all the rest of my body is getting small.
Here are some pictures so you can have an Idea of how big it is and I will post in my photos the one that is more graphic. I see the plastic surgeon on February 1 and Dr. Sunby wants the surgery now so we will see what insurance says and what will happen. I want this now too my biggest window fro lossing is the first six months and I want to be able to reach the goals I have set for me. If I can't move or do exercise I will lose weight but not the same amount.  In the mean time I will leave you with images of people I love and that mean the most to me including myself. If you come and visit leave some love. Hugs Wanda

Today was one of those days, the day started ok but some how it changed it started with someone backing up the car on my daughters car it's just not the time but thankGod we have insurance and we will deal with that. My baby turned 21 yesterday and it is my belief that God works in mysterious ways. When I had John Michael I was blessed in so many ways. He makes me smile he is the kid you are just grateful to be given the opportunity to parent. He is such a good kid. Tommorow is Jimmy's birthday he is going to be seven and right now I have lost more weight than he weighs so life is good. I am having panni issues last night the pain woke me up three times. the skin under the pani is very sensitive right now. I walked 65 minutes this morning despite all the morning issues and I hope to continue on the road to my health everyday. The more I read the board the more I understand that this is a tool not a miracle cure. You have to work the tool if you want things to happen. I really don't miss food which is a good thing. The things that are affecting me right now are the slow lossing but I know that because I walk everyday I am developing muscle so that can acount for the  lack of bigger numbers. I know I am learning to use my tool and that is the  most important gift I can give myself.