faeryfly

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Well, It all went fine..I have 5 incisions where I was cut.  I am on clear liquids only.  Alot of pain,,,i have a bruised rib.  Going to go rest now
goodite

I have surgery wed and I am anxious...but,,,,,I am a LOSER i have lost 14 lbs...i am so thrilled...it makes me hopeful..Thanks to everyone who have left me the notes of encouragement you all are so special,,I wish the world wasn't such a large place I'd run and give all of you a big hug!!!!!!

I was weighed by my pcp and I lost 7 lbs...I am now officially a Loser~ I also have a bladder infection that if it doesn't go away by surgery it may get cancelled...500 mg of cipro twice a day.  
I am doing better about cheating.  I realized that I am not accustomed to having to make the shakes and I am so busy in the mornings that I forget to make me one..I sip on water until lunch and rush home to eat..I have to start taking time out for me.
 I feel very positive about it though.
I feel like OK girlfriend Its time to go find out who you are.  And i will...

i cheated today..Its so hard to quit cold turkey,,,its like an addiction.  I told my family that they can't have pizza and stuff but its hard to change a family in one day.  They brought home pizza,,,I didn't have any!! I instead got me one slice of turkey and one slice of cheese and rolled it up and ate it..I waited 20 minutes and I felt so much better.  I was beginning to get really shaky and had a horrible headache.  I haven't had any caffine in 3 days! pure water only.   I really wanted to eat the entire pizza since I am so freakin stressed right now, but I have to quit running to food for comfort.  I ate my turkey grabbed a book and occupied my mind.  It worked...the shakes are gone...I am fixing to have my last one tonite, I excerised double....I promise not to cheat again!  I am doing this,,,My mom is a nurse and she said that I have to learn to crawl before I can walk.  I have great support.   I am tired of being fat and feeling so worthless this is for me to be healthy, to make healthier choices, and to better the choices of my children.  I will succeed.

This is my first letter.  I am writing because of those who had the courage to speak out because of the way that being fat made them feel.  It gave me someone to relate to.  In a world of skinny people, I just felt alone.  I can definately use the boost of confidence.  Even writing here on this blog though I find myself sitting here quite, because I don't want anyone in my family to know.  It hurts being overweight.  It hurts being called a fat ass.  I have been overweight over 12 years now. I feel like I have spent most of my 20's being fat and now I am turning over a new leaf.  I will be spending all of my 30's being healthy and fit.  I will be going to that Damn Victoria Secret store and seeing a cute little number on the wall, and decide that will be my next purchase.  Not for my husband, but for me.
I hate going to all those plus size stores and trying on jeans.  Don't they realize that PLUS means big butt....so why are all the pockets so small?  you have this broad behind with tiny pockets..thats enough to draw attention to your big behind.
I feel like I am whispering you know..the soft tapping of the keyboard is the only noise my family can hear.  My husband thinks I am writing some secret lover he keeps hovering behind me..AS IF!
I just smile to myself and thing hmmm how are you gonna feel when I get to my normal size?  Lets hope it helps our relationship.  I just feel like it is going to seperate us.  I think with my new found confidence we may just drift apart.  But he loves me as I am.  How can I think that  I feel so bad....but its the small thinks he does that hurts.  Yes, he fixes me a plate to eat but puts tiny portions on..enough for a 2 year old...Or when we get pizza he piles his plate high with 3-4 pieces and gets me two of the smallest pieces he can find...and when I order he listens as if I order too much he will get mad.  I know he would be happy for me to lose the weight but it makes it worse.  It makes me sad inside my heart.  
You know when you walk into a place with new people you feel like they are juding you..but reading on some of these blogs,,,it seems like it never goes away..most of these people still feel like the fat person deep inside.  I guess it really is an emotional change..you have to deal with your demons...Well, I am letting one go tonite...and I will give you one hurtful  thing someone said about me every blog I write until I can't give you anything more.....
First is when I was in 5th grade I overheard these two boys talking about having sex with girls in our grade..a little young but boys will be boys...he said hey how about NORA the other one said well you'd have to take a crane to lift her on top of you...at the time i didn't get it I just new they had called me fat..go figure I work with the little shit today and he tries to be nice to me but i just turn my head and walk on and never acknowledge his presence...He is fat now too by the way.  That wasn't the last thing he ever said either or his skinny wife,but I will save that for later...Thanks for listening...oh I am approved for surgery I have my consult next thursday...I don't know what to expect.  I have labs drawn tomorrow...

I am ready for a new me..