elleis160

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So I went shopping yesterday because I need some new bras.  Went into the V S store to get sized.  The girl comes to me and wraps the measuring tape around my boobs.  "You've lost a lot of weight recently haven't you?  I was like "Yea how can you tell?"  she replies "I just can".  I was soooo offended.  Obviously she was talking about the collarbone thing but wow how rude was that?!!!

Needless to say, I went to another store...!

Oh yea before surgury boob size, 44DD after surgery measurements taken by the rude Victoria Secret bitch 36C

Wow its amazing how great I feel physically.  Although there are still many challenges I face, I can say that at this time I am really happy with myself. 

The weight loss has slowed considerably and I sorta miss the high of getting on the scale and dropping like 5 or 7 pounds in one week.  Now it's more like 5 or 7 pounds per month.  I have found that being forgiving to myself is the key to maintaining healthy eating habits. 

This may sound crazy but thank God for dumping!  Sugar is not my friend, nor are fatty foods.  My body will not tolerate any of it.  It definitely helps me stay on track. 

There are times when I may eat a french frie or a couple of chips (not a lot)  and that little voice wants to come in and berate me for being a failure but I just tell that voice to shut the hell up, I'm human and not perfect.  That really seems to help and yes I actually say  "Shut the hell up!!  I am human!" and you know what...I don't have that fierce desire for bad foods when I allow myself to acknoweledge that fact that I want them.  

The more you submit to your feelings, the less control they have over you. 

Life is Good!

So yesterday I had to shop for a sundress.  I almost walked into Cato Plus but consiously made myself go into the "regular" side.  Boy the feeling was so uncomfortable.  I have read someone else's blog on here where they said they felt like a fake and an intruder.  That is exactly how I felt when I went in the store.

I walked around a little then looked around to make sure no one was going to run me out of there because I didnt belong and finally managed to pick 4 dresses of varying sizes of Large and Medium.  Imagine my shock when the large WAS TOO BIG!

My mind is not wrapping around this well.  What?? Me?? In a medium??
  And get this..the medium was a little loose.  I refused to go get a small.  I just couldnt do it.  I know that sounds crazy but I am still 200 pounds, not even in "onederland" yet.  I really dont feel like I deserve to wear a small. 

It sounds bad but I'm just being honest with myself and how I really feel.  I know that clothing at this store probably runs big but wow!  The last time I wore a medium was before I had my son 24 years ago. 

I truly am still a big girl in my head.  I will be so glad when my head catches up with my body.

Where Oh Where have my lovely boobs gone..oh where oh where can they beeeee!

Well the weight loss is coming along swimmingly!  I'm having some ups and downs but as I have stated before, I would do it again in a heartbeat.  I will not go back to being fat EVER!.

Now having said that, I had an emotional moment...first let me give you some history.  At one point in time, I was a 44 E..yep I said it!  A 44 E cup.  I had a breast reduction in 1993 and went down to a D cup...Well fast forward to lots of weight gain and I went back up to a DD cup and maintained that size no matter my weight.

Now, I am a **gulp** 40 C and my friends tell me I should look into a "B"  cause they look smaller than a C.  I say...screw them C is fine!

40 C, I can't describe how I feel about that!  On one hand I am soooo happy to have manageable boobs on another hand I'm sad that my boobs have disappeared..

Definitely I will need a boob lift because there is a lot of skin but it just feels weird not to have my "girls" with me anymore. 

I know I will eventually get used to being a member of the committee but for now, I'm in mourning..a little (lol)

My weigh loss is causing a lot of mixed emotions.  I am so happy to finally get my body back.  I feel like I am getting in touch with myself again.  There are so many little things that I can do now that simply amaze me. 

Saturday I was getting a pedicure and could actually lift my feet up to inspect them. 

When I get out of the shower, a towel can almost fit around my body!

I can put on socks now without feeling like im gonna pass out!

I am losing a lot of the bitterness I have.  It seems with the weigh loss the bitterness is going with it.

Now for the mixed emotion part.  My daughter is overweight and I feel really guilty about losing the weight and she being still overweight.  I bought a dress and she was very upset because she said she wanted that same dress.  I had no idea and felt really bad about it. 

I mentioned WLS for her and she was really offended by it.  Emotionally I dont think she would be ready for it anyway.  From here on out, I will try to help her incorporate exercise and healthier eating habits so she can lose too.  I cant help feeling so guilty.  I would love for us to lose together.

It all started with Pineapple juice.  For some reason I was really cravng pineapple.  Went to the grocery store and bought Dole Pineapple Chunks.  Boy, the juice was divine and I ate just a couple of the chunks.  Well after that everything was fine.  I sat and watched a movie, did some work on the computer and was overjoyed that I could stomach pineapple and it's natural sugars.

About an hour later, my daughter made a southwestern dish consisting of black beans, grilled chicken, spinach and pepper jack cheese.  I ate about 1/4 cup.  

All of a sudden, my tummy started making funny noises.  I even thought it was cute and called my daughter in the room to listen to it.  Then I got this terrible pain in my midsection and it was sorta hard to breathe.  I started flushing and feeling faint.  All I could do is lie across my bed and take deep breaths.  OMG it was HORRIBLE!! 

My daughter asked me if I needed to go to the emergency room but I told her no.  I figured I was dumping.  Not to sound gross but the diarrhea was next and it was SO BAD.

The whole experience lasted for about an hour or so but I never want to experience that again.  Needless to say, it will be a very long time before I try to eat ANY type of fruit again.

There are so many things in my life that I am grateful for.  Since this surgery, I am grateful that I am losing weight and getting healthier.

I had an incident a couple of days ago where my friend wrecked her car.  I was on the passenger side and because ot the ice she slid right into another car on my side.  I could not get out and had to climb out on the driver side.

If this had happened a couple of months ago before surgery, I would have been stuck in the car unable to climb over the seats. 

I am so grateful! 

I am grateful that I can now walk to my car in parking lots without being in pain and out of breath. 

I am grateful that I can cross my legs without pins and needles

I am grateful to be alive!! 

For the past couple of weeks, I have been very down.  Changing my relationship with food is really a hard thing to do.  Even though I am committed to it, I have these moments of overwhelming desire for things that are not healthy for me.  I now realize that I was using food as a drug. 

People use drugs to escape their problems and that is what I was using food for.  Whenever I was sad or angry or emotional, Pizza and coca cola were my crack.  If somebody pissed me off, I would go get a shot of fried Chicken and french fries to make it all better.  Now Im like an addict in rehab.  There is no Chinese food or Chicken Fried Steak to take the pain away.  Only me, myself and I.  It's funny because not only has this surgery changed my eating habits, it has also put me on a journey of rediscovering who I am and what I really want out of life.

I am so thankful for this tool and the opportunity to change my life and even though Im down right now, I know this is a temporary feeling and that exciting things are right around the corner for me.

I know I know.  My post is supposed to be full of good Christmas cheer HO HO HO and all that crap.  But here is the truth. 

Christmas Presents - None cause I havent had the energy to shop

Decorations - Tree up only because my daughter put it up rest of stuff still in boxes to be pulled out next year

Dinner - Ah yes dinner.  Guess who is cooking the Christmas feast and not able to enjoy it?

Ding Ding Ding..you guessed right, yours truly.  And of course my family is Southern so they are expecting all the greasy unhealthy tempting foods such as Fried Chicken, cabbage, cornbread, okra roast, rice greens, macaroni and cheese topped off with  red velvet cake and sweet tea. 

I will have a piece of baked chicken and protein shake..yippee

Merry Frikkin Christmas Everyone up up and awaaaaaayyyyyy!!

I have been working so hard with this new change in my life.  I have followed my doctor's orders, been taking vitamins and so forth.  I read another post where a lady who has recently had surgery ate pizza!!  OMG!! I know that I have no right to judge anyone on their journey but as much as I have wanted french fries and fried chicken (head hunger) it just pisses me off to no end to know that someone went through all that and still chooses bad habits.  God knows its hard and everyday I think about all the goodies Im missing out on but when do you stop the madness?  She even has taken the drugs we are told to stay away from due to ulcers.  In my opinion its self sabatoge and counter productive.  Again Im not saying that Im right, Im just voicing my opinion.  This was MAJOR LIFE ALTERING SURGERY! Why not give it a chance to work.

Vent complete