easydoesit

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I had a big argument with DH and realized that I have been trying to not lose too much weigh. Thats right! I remember when i was young i was always a bit husky and always felt bad for being bigger than the rest of girls in class and even some boys so i made it in my mind that ( and i think my mom also was trying to make me feel better but wasnt doing such a great job) that i was big because i was stronger and "healthier" cause those girls wouldnt eat. That this was temporary and once i would get to high school I would turn into a beautiful confident young adult, but that didnt happen to I started again to make up some "empowering quotes" so that I would be able to cope with my disappointment and would start to whole skinny-girl-bashing. I would make myself think that i was strong and got into weights class and was building big muscles on my legs and upper body but since i didnt look as skinny as the girls in class were i would think that i was more stronger because they were weak and couldnt lift as much as i could and what not ( i guess to a certain point i was stronger but that didnt help). So this whole new persona took over of me thinking i was sooo strong that I would be able to take care of my own if some one tried to take me wether it be man or woman( i kind of always been a fighter in my family because of certain reasons but whole other story). 

ps: Food was always something to be treasured and never deprived in our family so mom didnt know about eating healthy cause she had also- dont waste food and eat while you still have it- mentality but for good reasons

Now i found myself in a weird and awkward predicament of becoming one of those "weaker skinny girls" that i so looked down upon. I know its not right to be judging slender or healthy people like that for that matter but that was my coping mechanism and first few weeks of surgery i felt super vulnerable and scared. Vulnerable because it was my first major surgery and i never felt this weak and pitiful that other people had to help me. Scared because in my mind if i was attacked, how the hell was i suppose to take someone if they pushed me down , brake into my home , or find  me and my husband in an unpleasant situation were he might get hurt in public ( Im not a street fighter at all, i just feel comfortable being able to be brave and protect when needed).

So i realized through my argument with my hubby that i WAS trying to eat more than i knew I should. I kept thinking that I was fine were I am now because i looked the same when I was in high school and that i was trying to not loose my "strength" too much. But thats when it clicked and realized i was screwing myself out of the body I always wanted and only I alone could stop it so I am slowly embrasing and trying to find ways to be strong without being fat.          

I am on week 6  and finally feel like "normal". I don't feel like people stare at me of because of how un-maintained i looked but just because they want to engage in a conversation. I feel comfortable being a wife to my husband and its not because of him but because of me. He is fit and does his best to keep up with himself and i always felt bad for him for being seen with me, but now i feel like i do deserve him. Sometimes self esteem sucked but its coming back at a snails pace but its coming.

Its taking me a while to have courage to post something because i don't like spouting my emotions too much but im realizing that i have just as much right as anyone else to share my story, feel bad for myself, feel proud, whine and complain, and be accountable for what i do. I am my worst judge and i just have to realize that i should go easy on myself because if not its another spiral to bad habits. I am seeing a light, a sparkle i haven't seen in about 9 years and will hopefully stop being bitter and start to see the real me again.