dlappin413

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Haven't been posting for a couple weeks.  Been busy with many things, mostly with prep for surgery.  And.... the day has come and passed (26th) and I am now on the road to health. 

I admit (mostly to newbies) that I was very scared of the surgery, the process, etc.  Even to the moments I was being prep'd for surgery in the pre-op area.  I was wondering if I was doing the right thing; what the h... am I doing to God's work?, how will I be able to cope with not having my best friend to lean on anymore?  However, with the wonderful support of my very good friend, other friends, my family, and my very good psychology doctoral student and the wonderful psychologist working with her, I was prepared.  Still scared but, able to face the fear and take action in spite of it... courage, I think it's called.  Who'd a thunk it!

So, I am now 5 days post-op and am beginning to feel a little more like myself; just without the food elephant in the room.  Well, the food elephant is still in the room, he's just a different color.  I had to stay in the hospital an extra night due to fever and some small trouble with one of the incisions but, that has passed.  I also had a problem with my blood pressure going too low; a complete opposite of my pressure issue.  Turns out I was given my BP meds the night of surgery and that is what caused the problem.

Bottom line, I am up and about though minimally and frequently.   I am totally off cholesterol, blood pressure, and diabetes meds (WHOOHOOO!), and I am now on the loser's bench. 

I, too, have problems getting all my fluids in and "eating" things... so, I am focusing on the fluids and drinking protein as I can.  For anyone looking, I have found Unjury Protein good, Optisource Strawberry OK, EAS Protein good, and I enjoy vanilla greek yogurt with lactade mixed in and sometimes added unflavored protein.  I can also handle broth (beef or chicken), jello, water, and crystal light.  I have heard here and in the doc's office that your tastes change after surgery.  So far, I haven't found that to be true for me.

I don't know how much, if any, weight has been lost yet and, ya know, I don't really care at this point in time.  I'm just focusing on getting recovered and used to a new routine and regimen for eating.  I have taken the requirements for my meds, vitamins, exercise, sleep, food and liquid, amount of sleep, and notes about emotional state, blood sugar, and blood pressure and put them all on a daily tracking sheet to help keep me on track and not miss anything crucial.  The docs have given me forms to do this and they are great but, I wanted one sheet for it all on my computer for ease of updates.  It is definitely a good tool for me.  Besides, the docs want to see what I'm doing, too, and it covers everything.

Thanks to everyone for sharing with me.  It's been a tremendous and positive help to me in my journey.  I will continue to share, respond, and update as my journey continues.  I hope you will do the same.  It is a lifelong change and I know I will need support forever.

I missed blogging in September.  It's now Oct 9th and I'm getting ready for a visit from my neice and her husband from Heidlburg, Germany.  She hasn't been here since she was a litle girl and I'm excited.  She'll only be staying a couple days as she is on her way to Florida for her best friend's wedding. Just the same, it'll be good to have the visit. 

I have received all my clearances from the doctors for surgery and the only thing left is insurance requirements.  My fear is that they will say I need six month's doctor's supervision and that will postpone the surgery a few months.  If they don't need it, I am scheduled for October 26th.  That's scarey, too.  Everything leading up to it; and, what it implies and promises after. 

I suppose my biggest fear is failure, letting myself down.  I'm on this journey for myself, for my health and what I want for the rest of my life.  My motivation is good and strong.  However, I've failed myself in this area so many times in the past and I am so weak in will power with regard to food that my past experience is overpowering my faith in what God can do to help me.  I know He wants me to succeed in this journey as He's the one who inspired it but, my belief is not strong.  I've started a weight loss program before with strength and petered out after a few months.  I want this time to be different.  With God changing my heart and giving me the strength, I can do this.

Kathy B. posted in the discussion board and I felt I should post it along with my response in my blog.  It'll help me keep perspective.

Post by Kathy B.:

Love this.....
An old Cherokee told his grandson, "My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, & ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, & truth." The boy thought about it, and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?" The old man quietly replied... "The one you feed."

Well bariatric buddies, which wolf do you want to feed this week?  Our minds have amazing ability to focus on either option, see the negative, and you will continue to follow the negative and let it control your life.  I choose to feed the wolf of joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy and truth.  I think this positive wolf has so many more atributes that this.  Sharing, caring, seeing the glass as half full, and I could continue.... but will you???

My wolf for the week is needing adequate fluids, high protein diet, daily exercise and a balance of work and rest and a great chat session this evening.  More on chat for the other post.  What is your wolf asking for?  Post and share.

My response:

The quote is so true.  It also relates to the Chinese Yin and Yang and the Christian reference to good flesh and bad flesh as well as others, I'm sure.  We all have good and evil in us.  I believe it.  I also believe that we humans lean toward the darkness or evil.  Our flesh (bad/evil flesh) is in constant battle with the Spirit (good flesh).  We want to be good.  We want to see good but, we so often lean or choose the easier path which is the bad/evil.  We hide from our evil and, because we do, it controls us.  At least, that is what I am seeing in myself.  I really can only speak for myself.  I am choosing to no longer hide from my evil but to face it, admit it, and choose the good.  I will stumble, I know that and that's ok because I am human and flawed just like everyone else.  I will find my feet again and get back on the path if I don't try to hide from the fall, if I don't lie to myself about it.  

My good wolf wants honesty and I have to be honest with myself before I can be honest with anyone else.  My evil wolf has been in control too long; so long that it is hard to recognize or see the good wolf.  As I can I will change that.  As long as I am willing to see the evil wolf, the good wolf can triumph.

I confess... I'm a delinquent.  Haven't posted in awhile.

I still don't have a surgery date but, progress has been made.  I've met with the surgeon and further defined insurance requirements.  All my testing is scheduled (labs, xrays, etc.) and will be completed on 9/1. 

I've fulfilled the 2 support group meeting requirement and will be continuing to go, though.  I had hoped that they would be more interactive but, they are good just the same.  These groups are more presentation/informational.  There is the opportunity to meet and talk afterward but it is not a structured exchange session.  I will have to find that elsewhere and I am hoping that, in my psych eval on the 22nd, I will get more information on what I was looking to get.  Something specifically focused on WLS people.  I'll take what's available.

I have decided to join LA Fitness as they have an Aqua Fit program in the mornings that will provide my needed exercise without aggravating my knee and back issues.

I continue to hear good things about my surgeon, Dr. Smith, from doctors and patients and that certainly is encouraging.

I also continue to discover my demons and try to face my fears.  These are the more difficult aspects of this journey.  I laid some cards on the table to my mother last week and, as expected, she pretty much swept them under the rug and responded in anger.  It helped me to realize one of my triggers and why I now have difficulty talking to people about my feelings.  It's awareness and understanding, at least a step in that direction, and I hope another step on the road to recovery from food addiction.  My issues are with talking face to face; I don't have much problem writing about them.  Of course, I'm writing to people who are not family and have the same issues as I do.  I'm pretty much afraid of people so I have trouble trusting and it takes me a long time to get to know people and let them in, if at all.  I hope to change that with God's help.

So, that's where I'm at right now... moving forward one baby step at a time.

I am a Christian and strongly believe that God can help me but, only if I can give to him my motives for detrimental actions through prayer.  I have to be able to identify what it is that is driving me to eat and, at this point, I don't have a clue on most of the motives/triggers.

I come from a family with an alcoholic father, an enabling mother, and became the scapegoat in that disfunctional family (I have an older sister, too).  As a result, I have issues that were seeded in that disfunction as well as the judgements I made that are causing me to repeat and reap the insanity of bad habits and addictions--food, caffeine, smoking, drugs, sex, and spending money (to some degree) in the past. Judgements that have me turning to refuge in things that won't deliver me from the fear, hurt, pain, anger, and loneliness.  I have, for the most part, conquered all my addictions except for food.  All by the grace and mercy of God.  He has put people in my path who have helped me and has changed me through my prayers.  However, my ability to put the habits down has left me with the "dry drunk" syndrome.  (if you are not familiar with the term, it means that I have put down the addiction but not addressed the motives for turning to that addiction.)

WLS is a major milestone in my path toward physical, emotional, and spiritual health.  Through the physical steps I take and the whole WLS process, it is my hope that I will not only greatly improve my physical health, I will also be able to sufficiently identify my motives for turning to food.  And thus, be able to release them to my higher power and become more at peace.  Happiness is an inside job so I have to face and confront my demons in order to remove them.  I don't view this as an easy walk, quite the contrary.  I am very scared.  But, I am not alone.  First and foremost, God is with me and I have wonderful support in my family and friends.  I will get to the other side of this challenge and, with God's grace and mercy, a healthy and happier person.

I responded to a discussion post and thought I'd paste it here as a reminder to myself... WLS is a journey and the surgery a tool in that journey.  I need to treat the whole person, not just the body.  I need to get to why I turn to food and give that up to God so that He can take it away from me and replace it with His peace.

Hi, Jennifer,

I see you've had 8 people read your post but, as yet, no one has responded.  So, I am going to take a stab at some kind of response though it may not directly answer your questions.

I had a similar epiphany, very emotional, just a couple days ago.  I will be having my first appointment with the surgeon on Tuesday and, because of the realization I had, was very tempted to stop this WLS process before it started.  So, on that note, THANK YOU for sharing yours.  I now know I'm not alone in that feeling and thought.  There was one difference in my epiphany, though, it was in how I will view myself and how I will treat myself once all the weight is gone.  Will I still treat myself and view myself as the same person pre-WLS?  Will the whole process help me to have a healthier view of myself?  I  do know that others will view me differently.  I have not always been morbidly obese... I started gaining in my late twenties.  I have seen how I am treated differently with the weight versus without it.  I have even seen a difference in how people treat me at my current weight based on whether or not I am wearing makeup.  It is human nature to treat someone who looks good or shows they take an interest in how they look better than someone who doesn't.  That's in reference to people who don't know me, strangers.  I also know that people I know, friends and family, will also view and treat me differently.  Some will be very supportive, some will be threatened, and some will be scared by it.  I may lose some friends... hopefully not as I am being very open about it in the hope that others will be comfortable in talking to me about it.  Bottom line is that I know I will change... in how I look, obviously, in how I feel physically, and, with God's help, how I think of and treat myself.  I'm turning to food to fill a void and to sooth my negative emotions.  It doesn't work, though.... it doesn't fill the void, just my stomach, and it doesn't deliver me from the negative emotions.  I'm looking at the WLS journey as just that... a journey to a healthier physical, emotional, and spiritual me.

Now, this brings us to your relationship with your husband.  I am not currently married but, I have a devoted support person, a friend, who will be with me on this journey.  My surgeon requires that my friend sign a document which indicates that he has read all the introductory material or attended a seminar going over the same material.  It also indicates that this support person, my friend, understands that I will lose weight and that I will change in physical appearance as well as change drastically in my eating habits.  Has your husband been prepared for the journey along with you?  Has he been educated on what to expect?  Not just in what you will be going through but in what he may go through?  If not, then maybe that's a direction to take this issue.  I know men don't always like to talk but, communication and understanding go a very long way in keeping a solid relationship.  I suggest you talk to him about what you are feeling.  Try to do it in an open and compassionate way.  My guess is that he's frightened and confused about it all and how to handle changes in your perspective.  Both your and his perspective on food will change in this process.  Be honest but gentle.  Let him know that you think you may have hurt his feelings and apologize; ask him how you can make amends and be frank and honest about what you need in the way of his support.   You may be more comfortable in asking your doctor to help your husband understand what he can expect.  Or, your psychologist if you are seeing one.  In any case, life will change for him, too, as you go through this journey.  It is inherent. 

All of my response is my perspective only.  I am not an educated counselor.  Please get other perspectives and perhaps advice from a professional.  I just know that communication in a safe environment works wonders.  Hang in there...

I've been accepted by the surgeon into their program.  Yea!  Now, for the next baby step that will determine how long it will be until my surgery.  The big question is, what will my insurance require?  Will my history of weight loss be enough so that the surgery can be scheduled within a couple months, or, will I have to follow a program for 6 months?  Tomorrow I will call and fight that battle.  Why am I view this as a battle?  Maybe it's because I've already been fighting the weight battle for so long and the WLS is the big marker for turning it around.  I don't want to wait 6 months. Don't have a choice, though, do I.  We'll see what tomorrow brings.

I lost 12 pounds in water weight the last couple days.  I feel much better... that water weight sure affects my movement and I can tell how it affects my mood... surprises me.