deerainer1

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Have you ever looked in the mirror and saw your past but it looked like the future. Thats were I was until this past monday. I look and I see me Fat. I see big thigs and a huge butt. Me and my boyfriend took some pictures on Easter Sunday. I saw them for the first time on Monday, and I looked really small. I have been telling myself that I need to lose another ten pounds. I started this journey around 300 pounds and now i am about 142 give or take two pounds, anyway, i saw the pictures and could not believe that was me. I look really small. Everyone was trying to tell me something I could not see for a long time. May 7th will be two years for me and I saw that same fat unhappy person all this time.

Of course the size of my clothes changed,but that didnt matter in my mind. my shoe size changed but to me so what. I was that same person on the outside. I am so glad God saw fit to give me another chance at life, to live my lofe to the fullest. I dont want to waste one more second of it thinking I am that same person.

Life is funny. Never would I image my life would change so fast and so much. Weight has been so much apart of my life that its funny not to have it consume my every thought. I feel like i am free, Free to live life to the fullest. I go past a mirror and not get depressed anymore. Yes I have sagging arms, yes I would love to have surgery to remove it, but i must say I love me inside and out. I use to say I love me but did I really mean it? Maybe3 i did love me, but for sure I did not like me. The fat me. Yes I thought I had myself together, looking as tight as I could with all the weight on me. But now I can say i am getting myself together physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

On Feb 7Th it will be 21 months out for me, almost 2 years. I look back, had some rough times, good and bad day, ups and down, there are times when I say I would never do it again, but being really honest with myself, I would in a heartbeat. I am grateful to God for giving me the opportunity some wish they could have.

EVEN THROUGH I READ EVERYDAY I TEND NOT TO WRITE. SORRY MY BAD. WELL LETS SAY THINGS ARE GOING FROM BAD TO BETTER. SPENT CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEARS IN HOSPITAL DUE TO LOW BLOOD, CAN WE SAY TRANFUSION AGAIN, YES THIS IS MY SECOND ONE. BUT I WOULD NOT CHANGE A THING. I REALIZE THAT THIS IS MY NEW LIFE. I HAVE TO TAKE THE GOOD WITH THE BAD AND KEEP GOING. GOD IS GOOD AND HE WILL NEVER PUT MORE ON YOU THAT YOU CAN BARE. WELL LETS SEE, I AM DOWN TO 151 OR MAYBE LESS LAST TIME I GOT ON THE SCALE. NEVER WOULD I HAVE THOUGHT I WOULD WEIGH THIS MUCH. EVERYONE TELL ME I NEED TO PUT ON A POUND OR TWO EVEN MY BOYFRIEND BUT ITS NOT THEIR LIFE, ITS MINE. I LIKE ME , I HAVE STRUGGLED WITH WEIGHT FOR A LONG TIME, AND GOD HAS GIVEN ME ANOTHER CHANCE TO GET THIS THING RIGHT.

I THINK ONCE YOU MAKE THE CONNECTION YOU NEED TO SHARE IT WITH OTHERS, SO THAT WHAT I AM DOING NOW, HELPING OTHERS THAT MAY BE WHERE IS WAS AND SHOWING THEM WEIGHT IS NOT THE PROBLEM, ITS A SYMPTOM OF A PROBLEM, UNTIL YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT THE PROBLEM IS YOU CANT SOLVE IT NOW MATTER WHAT YOU TRY.
I WANT PEOPLE TO EXPERIENCE WHAT I HAVE AND LEARN TO ENJOY LIFE AGAIN, IT FEELS SO GOOD NOT TO SHOP AT THE PLUS SIZE STORE ANYMORE. GOODWILL HAS BECOME MY GOOD FRIEND. I AM DOWN TO A 7/8 DEPENDING ON ITEM, GOT INTO A SIZE 6 A TIME OR TOO.  WHAT CAN I SAY NEVER NEVER NEVER A SIZE SIX. 

BUT ON THE REAL, ITS NOT ABOUT THE SIZE, IT ABOUT HEALTH OUT THERE. I AM ABLE TO DO THINGS I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO IN A LONG TIME, AND THE SEX LETS SAY I LEARNED A FEW NEW TRICKS.   MY ONLY DOWNFALL IS THE EXTRA SKIN BUT I RATHER HAVE THAT THEN THE WEIGHT I HAD BEFORE. BREAST WILL THATS ANOTHER STORY, I AM A SIZE 32 B/C FROM A 42D SO THEY LEFT IMPLANTS I AM THINKING.

LIFE IS GOOD 20 MONTHS OUT JUST TAKING THINGS ONE DAY AT A TIME, ROLLING WITH THE PUNCHES THEY SAY.

UNTIL NEXT POST, PROMISE TO DO BETTER.

CAN YOU LOVE YOU SOMETIMES, BECAUSE THATS HOW I FEEL TODAY. I LOVE ME IF ANYONE ELSE DOES NOT. I HAD IT GOING ON MYSELF YESTERDAY. HOW ABOUT I HAD ON A PAIR OF THIGH HIGH BOOTS AND THEY FIT. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE MY CALF'S WERE NOT TOO BIG. EVERYONE SAID THAT THEY WENT SO WELL WITH MY DRESS AND I WORE THEM WELL.  THIS JOURNEY HAS BEEN A STRUGGLE AT TIMES BUT WELL WORTH IT.

TO THOSE AT THE BEGINNING BELIEVE ME THINGS DO GET BETTER. YES YOU HAVE YOUR DAYS AND YOUR ISSUES, BUT THE GOOD FAR OUT WAYS THE BAD. HOLD ON TO FAITH, REALIZING THAT ALL THING ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH GOD. HE GIVES US EVERYTHING THAT WE NEED TO MAKE IT THROUGH.

 I DEALING WITH SOME PERSONAL ISSUES FOR THE PAST TWO DAY. BELIEVE ME LIFE DOES NOT GET EASIER WHEN YOU LOSE WEIGHT. SOMETIMES IT MESSES THINGS UP. BUT I AM DEALING WITH IT THE BEST I CAN. FEEL LIKE I ABOUT TO LOSE MY MIND. SOMETIMES I WANT TO YELL AND THROW SOMETHING BUT THATS NOT GOING TO SOLVE ANYTHINGS. MY PROBLEMS WILL STILL BE THERE.  I THINK I NEED A VACATION FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. WHY CANT LIFE BE SO SIMPLE. I KNOW THAT I AM AN EMOTIONAL EATER BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING. EATING THINGS THAT ARE NO GOOD FOR ME, I EVEN HAD CHOC. LAST NIGHT.  I THING IS THAT I REALIZE WHAT I AM DOING AND MAYBE I CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. HAVE ANYONE EVER BEEN WHERE I AM TODAY. PLEASE OFFER SOME ADVICE.

God has been so good to me I cant tell it all. I am so grateful for all his blessing. Not that I feel good about myself always, but today is a good day. I realize I make the decision to bge happy or not. In spite of what life brings or gives us, we make the decision to be happy. There are some many people that wish they could have the opportunity that we have to take control of our life for a second time. Yes I have friends that have stopped talking to me, not because of what I have done to them, it because they with they could be blessed to have done what i was able to do. I try not to take it for granted but I am human, and I make mistakes.   I have a great man in my life that is willing to do everything for me. Accepts me and all my faults. We plan on getting married on June12th of next year. I cant wait to become his wife.

Yesterday was not a good day for me emotionally. Its hard for people to realize that I am still the same person on the inside, my outside just may be a lot smaller. I met this guy I use to know a few years ago. His mouth was totally open at the new me. I wanted to scream, I am still that same person. Why when you lose weight people assume you are so different. I was beautiful then and I am beautiful now, just a little smaller. What makes them think I want to be bothered down. No second chances for you. I need someone in my life that loves me for me.Not for what I look like. Even women tend to treat you different now. O will admit my way of dressing is a little different now, but to come from 300 down to 159 would not yours change too. I love my jeans and short not to short dresses. Dresses that show off my 28 inch waist. I am not 34-27- 39 almost a brick house as the song says. But I guess I need to get use to it I hope never to go back to the way I use to look and feel. From a 26/28 to a 8 or somethings a 10 you do the math.

I finally did it!!!!!!!!! Went to the mail and got a makeover from MAC. And if I say so myself I look great. A new attitude for me this weekend. I decided to be just proud of me, the accomplishments that  i have made, instead of focusing on what I have not. I have really transformed myself and for that I should and will feel great. No I may not be where I want to be but maybe I am where God wants me to be. I will be forever Grateful for is Mercy. Only things is that I want my breast back, got measured today also. Thought I was wearing a 36c not all down to a 34. Flat and flatter as they say. Push up here I come.

Well I finally reached the 150's I am at 159 but has this been a long and hard struggle. I started this journey on May 7th 2008 and i reached it on last Monday Oct 19th, so you do the number. All I know that it was a long time coming. I find myself judging my weight loss by other people and in my mind I know everyone is different. But I cant seem to feel like somehow I have not did my best. I know other may think i am crazy but that's how I feel. I look in the mirror and still see the same fat person I was before.Of course people comment daily about the change in me but to me there is no difference. I wonder how many other people go thought the same issues. There are even times when i feel that my body looked better fat. At least there was not all this loose skin everywhere. I guess you cant have it all

Well today is another day, hopefully better than yesterday. Sometimes our mind tend to play tricks on us. This journery does not get easier, boy if i could go back about 8 months ago, i would be so happy. Losing this last ten pounds is driving me crazy. I know i should be happy where i am considering where i came from, but i need to do this for my self. You see i have met the man of my dreams.A man that loves me in spite of. We are planning on getting married on June 12, 2012  and i want to look perfect or as close to it as i can. I have picked out the perfect dress and i just need to look my best.  I need to stay focused on reaching my goal. I find myself wanting to eat and eat when i know that i am not hungry. Working at home does not help at all. I am going to have to find something to do outside of this house. HELP