DeeBee

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I lost 7 pounds the past week. I feel good about that about I feel bad that I had to put my cat to sleep last night. He was really old and getting very sick. The hard part was that he was really rallying at the vet's office, purring and affectionate. But his hair was falling out in clumps, he was losing weight rapidly and just not doing so well.

Okay, I am at 210 now. This has to stop. Between nibbling on crackers, nuts, chips etc and drinking like a fish every f****** night because I am BORED and lonesome has to go.
Tomorrow I go see the shrink to see how crazy I really am.

I went to Wal Mart this weekend to buy some big fat jeans to fit my big fat butt. No wonder I am as popular as wallpaper when I go to these singles events. I make myself sick.

I am fat and ugly. At least that is how I am feeling. I am also feeling the need to eat like a pig. I want to nibble on easy to eat foods. Eating takes up every bit of boredom I have in my life and as opposed to last week when I was swamped at work, this week it's calmed down a lot. Everyone is either out sick or taking time off because it's the begining of the month. I am going to hit Curves after work, as always, and I am looking forward to it. I think I have finally found a decent way for me to exercise every day.

I just want to get back to where I was at my lowest weight and able to wear a size 12.

Day three of returning to anti-depressants. I wish they would kick in faster. I am all jittery and anxious. It doesn't help that the freakish boss lady is here today too. I just hate this feeling of being scared all the time. At least I'm not pigging out. Seems like when I eat I get sick. I am going to a psychic fair tonight, maybe I'll hear something good from one of the fortune tellers!

I seem to have discovered a way to control my weight gain, and it's the Weight Watcher's Core plan. I've had some success with that. Now if only I could overcome this massive depression without meds. Meds that help you gain weight as well as have a lighter mood. I started taking half dose of Zoloft yesterday morning. I hope that will help life this cloud I feel that is over me. it is affecting everything in my life, and even my work and I can't afford to lose my job because if this. My best bet is to take the medication and pay closer attention to what I eat.

This anxiety is almost unbearable. I feel like my flesh is just crawling and I want to cry. I am in agony today. I didn't think it was going to get this way. I guess that's why people on mental disorder medication think that they are okay and can stop taking them because they feel better, then when they stop they start freaking out again.

Well, I'm back to whining about it all again. I am steadily gaining weight back and am not happy at all. It's almost as if it's completely out of my power to control. I was on Zoloft, then found out that Zoloft can cause a weight gain, so I kicked that, then stopped drinking alcohol and limit my beverage consumption to Crystal Light and water. I only eat meals of lean meats, vegetables and a snack will consist of a handful of peanuts or so. I am still gaining. It's as if my body has taken control and wants to be fat. I see pictures of myself and I just want to die. If I'm doomed to be fat, then where's the joy in living?

When am I going to learn? I feel so bad and ashamed today. I went to a wine tasting last night and got so plastered that I had to be put into a taxi and sent home. Then I had to find a ride back to my car this morning before getting to work. Not only am I physically sick today, I can still taste the wine, but emotionally I am feeling very bad about myself. I do not like to lose control and appear foolish, especially around other people. I have had it with alcohol, no more wine for sure.

So far, I'm going bonkers today. I want to have some buttered popcorn right now very badly, if only to have something to do with my hands. I just finished eating a banana and am not hungry at all, I am just agitated and therefore need something. Someone to talk to something to really do. I sit at a desk all day and stare into space mostly. There is work to do and people to deal with but it isn't enough to occupy my brain. Am I that intelligent that I need constant stimulation or I just bore and therefore resort to nibbling?

Another day, no alcohol. I did spend $60 at the grocery store. I did okay though, the cats really needed some new litter, I bought food to take on my backpacking trip this weekend and some low-cal soups for lunches. Then I actually ate the leftovers from last night's dinner rather than letting them rot in the fridge then tossing them out. Tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr Simon and I am thoroughly ashamed at how much weight I've put back on. I have to get a grip!!!!

I think I am an alcoholic. I am also struggling with my weight....again! Eating used to take up every bit of boredom in my life and now drinking does it. I have to start drinking something other than alcohol. I look at my fancy profile picture and see how good I look and skinny and wonder why I am doing this to myself?