deanacarpenter
:(
Oct 30, 2010
the only thing i am worried about the surgery is dying. actually AFTER the surgery. i've heard that gastric sleeve patients have developed leaks up to FOUR MONTHS after surgery. i worry about the recovery because of this.
also, i've recently become agnostic after 18 yrs of being a born again christian. it wasn't a choice, it was a natural progression and over time, i just couldn't reconcile how i feel to the what religion is about. i also realized that i couldn't waste my time chasing after invisible things anymore. it's hard to have a relationship with "someone" who never speaks, never communicates, never shows themself, and never replies to your questions. so i finally realized, nobody is talking back to me, because maybe no one is there. nothing has proven me wrong so far, so i consider myself agnostic. because i can't believe in anything if i'm not sure what is real or not. and i'm done searching and i'm done feeling guilty.
but that doesn't' reconcile the idea that i have no idea what happens to us when we die. and i don't want to leave my family. i would hate to die over a surgery that was elective. i would feel i had cheated my family and ruined their lives by my death. i am the sole caretaker of my children. other than emotional devastation, i would leave my husband in a jam as to what to do with the kids while he has to work. it would be a nightmare. and i'm very scared of the surgery because of the risk of death. but i am so desperate to lose the weight, and know i can't do it on my own...that i feel that the surgery is my only chance at a normal existence. its' hard to weigh these options.
also, since my lapband failed, and since i had to have all the saline removed last month. i have gained 20 pounds. i was down to 250, and now i'm 270. i practically feel like killing myself when i gained that weight back. i thought i'd never gain it back again...and i gained it overnight. it just proves how f'd up in my head i still am over food.
since i have to have the revision, i'm done with the lapband. i can't deal with an "object" that is so temperamental. i need permanence, and cutting out my stomach in the VGS is the best thing i can think of.
i don't have insurance, and i have to get a loan. i'm not sure it's going to happen. i have an appt in a couple of weeks. putting my car as collateral.
but not knowing is so frustrating...and i am overwhelmed with depression. i mean....severe. i'm taking meds but they're not helping. i feel desolate. i tell myself that it'll pass, but i just sit here feeling like life is almost not worth living if i'm this screwed up. i have to have surgery. and that makes me sad. why am i this screwed up? i have too many things to do, and i don't have time for this...yet here it is, taking over my life.
the black hole in the pit of my stomach feels unbearable. i'm hoping by actually using OH here...i can have some "group therapy"....i never had aftercare after my mexico lapband. and i realize that that is one of the most important components of the surgery.
almost there!!
Mar 29, 2008
uncharted waters....
Current mood: pensive
Category: Life
i found out today that i am going to be able to get a large loan that will enable me to get a badly needed surgery. i’ve been doing research for 5 years and finally decided to take the plunge and have this surgery done to save my life and change my life. it hasn’t been an easy decision. but now that i’m totally on board...i cannot wait until it’s done and see how it will change and help me. since sept of this year, i’ve been banging my head into brick wall after brick wall. my insurance won’t cover the surgery. i cannot be covered by new insurance without having to wait a year, and come up with 5 yrs of documentation of my ailment. they don’t seem to realize that i have not had insurance in over a decade...i HAVE no documentation about anything except the births of my 3 children. so then, i apply for financing/loans. my credit is shot. so then, i ask family to loan me the money...not an option. so i dropped everything and decided to take a break because it was all so depressing. and a couple of months later, i decide to ask for a loan putting my house up as collateral. and the guy told me i had good credit!! and one thing after another....i’m approved!!!! i just found out today and i’m over the moon.....and totally freaking scared! now it’s real. after doing tons of research, i decided to get my surgery done in acuna, mexico. i have a friend who had the same surgery, using this dr. and she said it was awesome. she has eased a lot of my worries. i should be doing this all in may. and my birthday is at the end of may, and it truly will be a new birth for me. a new life. my fears are: waking up during surgery and feeling all the pain and cutting. aspirating and having lung problems for the rest of my life. and dying. i don’t want any of those things to happen and i’m doing a lot of praying and positive thinking. i’m writing my will. i hesitated, but i thought it was irresponsible to not do this, since i have children. i’m nervous as hell...but if you all send me some prayers and good vibes...i’m sure that will help me a lot. i have a skilled surgeon who’s perfomed this surgery over 3,500 times without a death. i will keep everyone posted...
Currently reading : Steve and Me: Life with the Crocodile Hunter By Terri Irwin Release date: By 30 October, 2007
