curtwild

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Wow am I excited to have found this board. Hold on because this may be a long message!!! I used this board back in 2005 when I first got banded, weight was 265. Current weight is 222      I started coming back on the board because I was starting to think about a revision. My band has been very frustrating.  I have had so many fills. In fact i had to have my fluid let out a week and a 1/2 ago for a breast reduction and got it put back in last Thursday. When they took it out there was 3.8 cc's in. At that I felt some what restricted, but wouldn't have complained with more, although under florel (moving x-ray) it appeared I was almost completely constricted. When they went to fill me, again under florel he put in a whoppin 3 cc's and said it looks just perfect. Can you believe it. I feel like I could eat a whole steak with fixens and then dessert!! And then in my mind set I over eat because I am depressed which I know is not a good anwser, but hey, I will be honest!! I just feel so hopeless and helpless right now. I just have these rolling tapes in my head: Have I tried hard enough . . . . Sara, you have definately eaten WAY to much chocolate . . . .  this is ONLY a tool . . . you have to do the footwork . . . having a revision is a copout, just a way to get to eat more food . . . I have a background in mental health so understand from a clinical standpoint the way my mind is working, but of course those of us in mental health get there often times to fix ourselves!! To let you know I am diagnosed bipolar with severe depression and anxiety. I am for the first time in years medicated correctly and doing well. My surgeon is aware of all of this. And yes, I am completely addicted to food. 

About 13 months ago my familiy did an intervention and I went to Hazelden for 40 days for alcholol and drug addicition. My first love is Prescription drugs, narcotics and benzos!! I stay clean and sober with my higher power, meetings and my sponser. But .. . . . recently my food addiction has gotten way out of hand. The band is falling behind, and I am not keeping up my end of the bargin either. I know recovery. I know the pain of abstinance, walking by the reece's pieces has the same effect as not picking up a vicoden bottle for me. And yet I don't pick up the bottle but I do pick up the bag. I know my program. I have tried OA. But those were steps I just couldn't take. What is funny is I have abstained from drugs and alcohol, but once I got sober the battle with food just got so much worse. Sometimes I contemplate a relapse just so I can stop eating. Isn't that HORRIBLE!!

So how much of this is the band, how much of this is me, how much is the disease of addiction.

ONe of my problems is that I have always had the clinical knowledge of addiction and psychology and my head gets in the way, and what do they say "get out of your head, its a bad neighborhood!!!"

Whew, I should probably stop there, I think I will probably paste this into my profile!!

Thanks to all of you. Any feedback or support is sooo welcome.

Namaste,

Sara