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Weight Loss History:
One week pre-op (8-7-02): 307.8
Surgery 8-15-02
8-22-02: 289 (-18.8)
8-29-02: 283.1 (-24.7)
9-5-02: 278.1 (-29.7)
9-12-02: 274.1 (-33.7)
9-19-02: 270.7 (-37.1)
9-26-02: 267.5 (-40.3)
10-3-02: 262.8 (-45.0)
10-9-02: 259.3 (-48.5) (2 months out)
10-16-02: 255.1 (-52.7)
10-23-02: 252.4 (-55.4)
10-30-02: 248.5 (-59.3)
11-6-02: 244.9 (-62.9) (3 months out)
11-14-02: 240.3 (-67.5)
11-20-02: 236.4 (-71.4)
11-27-02: 236.2 (-71.6) (only -.2) :(
12-11-02: 229.0 (-78.8) (-7.2) :D
12-23-02: 224.2 (-83.6) (4 months 1 week out)
1-8-03: 217.8 (-90.0)
1-21-03: 213 (-94.8) (5 months 1 week out)
1-29-03: 207 (-100 POUNDS!!! YAHOO!! DOING THE HAPPY DANCE :OD )
2-12-03: 205.3 (-102.5)
2-22-03: 200.2 (-107.6)
3-4-03: 197.7 (-110.1)
3-23-03: 190 (-117.8)
4-7-03: 183 (-124.8)
4-19-03: holding at 183
4-27-03: 182
5-11-03: 178 (-129.8)(I HAVE A NORMAL BMI!!!!!! OMG!!!! YEA!!!! WHAT A MIRACLE!!!)
5-28-03: holding at 178
6-4-03: 176 (6 pounds from my goal!)
6-12-03: 175 (-132.8)
6-26-03: 174 (-133.8)
7-2-03: 174 (hanging at the same point, but feeling GREAT!!)
7-6-03: 169 - I HAVE SURPASSED MY GOAL WEIGHT OF 170 POUNDS!!! THIS IS A GREAT DAY!!!!!!!!! WHOPPEEEEEEE!!!!! DOIN THE HAPPY DANCE!!!!!!!!!
8-2-03: 167 (-140.8)
8-30-03: 166 (-141.8)
9-14-03: 164 (-143.8)
11-7-03: 164
12-3-03: 164
12-25-03: 164
2-12-04: 164
3-26-04: 164
8-15-04: 172
10-15-05: 177

*GOALS LIST IS AT THE END OF MY PROFILE*

10-15-05
Well, I have absolutely no reason that I haven't updated in so long. Just being lazy, I guess. This last year and a half has been quite a struggle. I developed bursitis in my right hip and had to stop running. And at the same time that this was happening, I went on Effexor for GAD. Well let me first say that Effexor can cause you to GAIN WEIGHT! The brochure doesn't tell you THAT!! Well, to make a long story a bit shorter, between being on the med and not being able to exercise like I was, I gained back up to 188!! I was truly devastated!! I felt out of control again, not making wise choices, etc. I struggled to find an exercise program that I liked or, at the very least, do without pain. I tried water aerobics, which I just didn't like. I really TRIED to like it, but it wasn't for me. I stayed in contact with the weight loss office and they worked really hard to encourage me. But it seems that sometimes we need to pull strength from within. I have been truly struggling. My clothes didn’t fit me correctly (in other words I could put them on and zip/button them up, but I would NEVER wear them out into public!) I could see the bad habits that I was developing. I knew that I have to put a stop to this progression of events or I would be in BIG trouble!

So I did what I should have done lots earlier… called Dustie. She is who trained me for my 5K. When I was telling her about what was happening in my life. She told me that she has become a “Curves Believer” and she thought I should try it. I couldn’t believe that’s what she suggested. That was on a Sunday and on Monday, I called and set up an appt. I went for my first workout on August 23 and fell in love with this training. Well, at the same time, I took a really hard look at what I was eating and why I was eating. I decided to go back to “basics” to try to remove this excess weight. I stopped eating all of the “empty” calories I had been eating; I started drinking more water and I stopped eating in the evening. Well, between those changes and Curves, I have now gone from 188 pounds back to 177. My measurements from curves have been wonderful. I’m losing body fat and gaining muscle and I feel strong, both physically and mentally, for the first time in quite a while! My BMI is back in the normal range and now I only have another 10 pounds to lose to get back to where I was at my lowest weight.

Then in addition to all of the above changes, I made another BIG AND EXCITING step!! I had a consult for a tummy tuck and breast lift. I have talked about these 2 surgeries for over 2 years now. Well, big news; I had both procedures done on 10-12-05!!! So I am tucked and lifted.  I’m really excited to see the differences once I finally the all the bandages off and the swelling starts to subside. Everything looks sort of weird right now. Now I will FINALLY be able to wear my bikini with NO wrinkles on my belly!!! I’m doing the happy dance (carefully, since I still have stitches)!!

Life is sweet right now and I’m so thankful for it!! After 3 years, there’s never been one day that I was sorry that I had gastric bypass!

Hugs to all,
Caroline

*************************************************
8-15-04
Hello to everyone!!! It has been a LONG time since I last updated… for that, I apologize. Most of the time, I feel like I have nothing new to say that would be worth while to anyone else. But today is a very special day, so I am trying to put my feelings into words.

It is 5:49 a.m. on August 15, 2004. Two years ago, at this very moment, I was in the holding area at Frye Regional Hospital, waiting for my gastric bypass to take place. I remember the trepidation that I was feeling. I remember trying to put on my “brave face” for my husband, so that he wouldn’t worry. I did pretty good until they actually came in to get me. I remember looking at Jerry, wanting to tell him how much I loved him for supporting me, even though I knew he was scared. But the words wouldn’t come out… the tears rolled down my cheeks as I wondered if that would be the last time I would ever see him. I thought of my daughter, who couldn’t get home because of school, and what her life would be like without me. but in addition to all of THOSE feelings, I also knew that I wasn’t going to let fear rule my life any more!! I knew that I wasn’t happy in my life the way it was and that I needed to do something to change it! And gastric bypass was my best chance at a normal, healthy life!!! So I faced my fear (for the first time) and I went into that operating room and took my first step to my new life!!

And what a new life it has been!! I look back now and it is hard to remember what life was life “before” my surgery. I NEVER thought the memories of pain, both physical and emotional, would fade, but they are fading. The “wounds” that morbid obesity caused me are still there, but through counseling they are now healing into “scars” that “leave a reminder of the wound, but don’t cause the pain.”

This has been a journey that will never end. People who think that you go and have gastric bypass, you lose weight and then “its over” are mistaken! This is an ongoing process that you must deal with daily. And if you don’t learn to deal in a different way than food, you will gain weight back and end up right back where you started from. As I have done in my profile for a very long time, I urge those who need it to seek counseling after your surgery. It made the difference for me!! these are HUGE changes that we ask our body AND our mind to make and sometimes we need some help dealing with those changes.

With that said, let me move on to my life now!! I would have NEVER believed that life could be like this!! Physically, I’m in the best shape of my LIFE!! I work hard to exercise regularly. Of course, I’m human and there are days when my butt stays in the bed instead of getting up to run. But those days are not the “norm” for me. many times, I “take the stairs” instead of the elevator and I’m not out of breath, I find I have to slow down so others can keep up with me when we are walking. Its SO weird! LOL!! my blood pressure is 120/70, my cholesterol has always been ok, but now my “good” cholesterol is where it should be, as is my “bad” cholesterol. I used to dread going to the dr. because I had to get on the scale and then I would have to listen to them tell me about how I “need to get my weight under control.” Geez, like I didn’t already KNOW that!! now weight never comes up as an issue. Other than their pride in my success. And my thanks for their support!

And then, of course, there is the change in physical appearance “aspect” of this surgery. I know, I know, we all did this because of our health. But come on, lets be honest, buying really cute clothes in sizes we never dreamed we’d be in again does have its appeal too!! LOL!! I LOVE shopping (as my loving husband will attest to) I love dressing stylishly and feeling GOOD about myself for the first time EVER!! I’ve had to learn to hold my head UP and make eye contact with other people. That has been one of the hardest things for me to change. My confidence has certainly increased, but there are still scars left from being made fun of for so many years, but I continue to work through those issues. Most of the time, I’m doing MUCH better.

There is one thing that has developed recently and I hesitated about putting this on my profile. But then I thought, “well, if it could help anyone else who might feel this way, it’s worth it!” so here it goes: I started having some problems that all seemed unrelated to each other. My concentration level dropped, my sleeping pattern changed, I had unusual muscle tension, I became tired easily, my memory was “slipping,” I was having hot flashes and night sweats. I actually went to my family doctor and asked if maybe I had developed Adult Onset ADD. He assured me that I did not have that. Of course, at my age (43), with the hot flashes, I knew menopause could be the “root of all evil”! LOL! so I went to my GYN and had an FSH test run. She called me when she had received the results and said that I wasn’t anywhere NEAR menopause. Then I was REALLY upset. I mean, I was feeling WEIRD and I didn’t know why!! She talked with me and told me that she thought I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). “GAD is associated with irregular levels of neurotransmitters in the brain. Neurotransmitters are chemicals that carry signals across nerve endings. Neurotransmitters that seem to involve anxiety include norepinephrine, GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid), and serotonin.” (http://www.mentalhealthchannel.net/gad/) It was so weird, all of a sudden all of the symptoms that seemed unrelated, I was reading a pamphlet that said they were ALL symptoms of GAD. I had 6 out of 6 of the major symptoms!! I was so relieved to see it in print and to have a name to put with what had been happening to me!! I really WASN’T losing my mind!! LOL!! you can also develop depression with GAD, but my therapy was helping address any depression. Anyone who knows me, knows that I don’t appear to be “anxious.” And those I’ve told about this have been surprised with this diagnosis. But its not a disorder that really “shows” to others. Its more internal. After talking more with my GYN, she said that I have been through such a drastic change, both physically and mentally in the past 2 years, that it has affected the chemicals in my brain. And even though the changes have been GREAT changes, change is still a hard thing!! She has started me on a medication to treat the GAD. Its called Effexor XR. Its an anti-depressant also used in the treatment of GAD. I’ve been on it 4 weeks now. I have seen a slight improvement. But she says that the full benefit of the med won’t be seen until up to 6 weeks and then sometimes an increase in dosage is needed. She said that treatment for up to a year is sometimes needed. Just until the chemicals in my brain re-adjust themselves. So there it is!! Maybe this info will help someone put a “name” with what they’re feeling. I hope so, it sure made me feel better and I’m on the “road to recovery”!

I think the biggest change in my life has been how “brave” I feel when it comes to “putting myself out there” and trying new things. I actually LOOK for new goals to set for myself. And I have met MANY of my goals, which I NEVER did before. From starting a running program, running a 5k race, finishing a 5k race, winning a trophy for 3rd place in my age group which is the first trophy I’ve EVER won for ANYTHING (which wasn’t a goal, but WOW what a feeling) and now I’m contemplating running a 10k race… I’m going to learn to play the piano… I’m water skiing… I don’t know what’s next in my life, but whatever it is, I’m looking forward to it and I know I’ll do my best to meet the challenge!!

One of the hardest things I’ve had to do is watch the scale go up a bit. At my lowest weight, I was 164. before I had my surgery, I set my goal weight of 170. I NEVER wanted to go above that again. When I reached 164, I was thrilled!! I could go between 164 and 168 and feel REALLY good. then when I was training for a race this past winter, my weight slipped up to 169, then 171, then 173… I found myself feeling like a failure. I mean, I went back OVER my goal weight!! I started to panic… but the one thing that was different was that my clothes still fit… hhmmmm, this was weird. So I really DID have to start taking that old “adage” into account. Muscle really DOES weigh more than fat… I haven’t been able to get below 170 since about March. Now I go between 171 and 174. it has been very difficult not to panic, but I’m doing better with it maybe I’ll get below 170 again, but maybe not. I’m still in a size 10 and for the first time in my life, I can actually look in the mirror and like the person looking back at me. and THAT is an accomplishment for me.

When I look back and read my profile, its really weird to read how I was feeling then. Part of me wants to never forget, but the other part of me is ready to move forward and let the past be the past. My “obese” self will always be a part of who I am because the experiences of that time of my life helped form the person that I am now. But the pain of many of those experiences is fading, which is the way its supposed to be. As in everything in life, this will work itself out eventually.

After these 2 wild, wonderful years, I must thank my husband Jerry for his constant support, patience and love. Change isn’t easy for those around us either and I’m not always the easiest to live with (I can’t believe is said that, LOL). My beautiful daughter, Brooke, I couldn’t have done ANY of this without her! I’ve said it before, but I must say it again: she is my inspiration!! She is so intelligent and brave. She knows what she wants, sets her sights on it, goes forward and lets NOTHING get in her way!! I hope to be like her when “I grow up!” LOL!! my parents are the support that I stand on!! Without them, I would not be… and all of my friends, each one of them has affected my life in a different way. They help guide me through this event we call life.

So in reading this post, if you are contemplating having this surgery, I support you and say “Go for it!” It’s the best thing you’ll ever do for yourself. If you’re a post op, I applaud your decision to “take control” of your life and make it better!! As for me, who knows what the future holds, but I’m ready for it!! Hugs to all…Caroline


4-14-04 - well, its a cold, gloomy day here in NC :( i'm SSOOOO ready for warmer (not hot) weather to arrive.

life continues to be great, but its still not without struggles in the "weight" department. people who think that this surgery is the "fix all" are sadly mistaken. my life has been TOTALLY altered by this surgery and i LOVE my new life. i love that i am physically fit and strong, i am happy and i LOVE to shop; my home life has changed so much because now i can move around and do the things i want to do; i carry myself with confidence and continue to work on being a better person, not only to others, but to myself, through therapy. BUT (yes, there's that word...) weight loss maintenance is a CONSTANT struggle. just because you have this surgery, doesn't mean you are "immuned" to gaining weight back. i have gone back up as high as 170 (and it HURTS to say that...) by making the wrong choices in my eating. for this surgery to work long-term, you HAVE to change your eating habits. forever!! i know that those who know me are thinking (or saying outloud...) "oh there she goes again... that caroline is ALWAYS talking about making good food choices..." :) i know sometimes i sound like a screech owl, LOLOLOL, but its only because i CARE and i want EVERYONE to be successful on a long term basis. old eating habits, and WHY we eat, don't change when they re-arrange our insides... i find myself falling back to old habits, without even realizing it. i sometimes find that i'm "rewarding" or "treating" myself to food items that i shouldn't be having. i think this is the wrong attitude to have about my food. i want to celebrate, but NOT with food. sometimes i get into the habit of having something "just because its that time of day". for instance, i got on a "popcorn" kick and every night at 9 p.m., i seemed to think that it was "time to have popcorn"! THOSE are the kinds of habits that scare me, because they seem so harmless... but those are the habits that made me 308 pounds!! until we face and change the habits that MADE us overweight, we will not have long term success! its not EASY, but i'm here to say that it IS WORTH THE WORK!!!!! for those of you who don't know me, and read this, and are thinking "man, she sounds like she's against this surgery" let me assure you, that's NOT the case!! i LOVE what this surgery has done for my life, but i just want to try to get across to people that it is an ongoing process, so that they too, can be successful! when you first have the surgery, the weight seems to FALL off with no real work... BUT (there's that word again...) at some point, you will be where i am now... learning to maintain... and THAT is going to be the biggest challenge of all!! for pre-ops who read this, please don't be discouraged by my words!! just know that this is not the "easy way out" like some would like to believe. i still stick to my new quote, "this surgery changed my stomach, I changed my LIFE!" well, i guess thats enough for one day... i've got smoke coming from my ears, so i must have "strained" my brain! LOLOLOL!!

to pre-ops, keep the faith, life on the "losing side" is good,
to "losers", make good food choices and take your vitamins!!
hugs to all...
caroline

3-26-04 - well i have set a new goal. i'm going to train to run a 10K (6.2 miles) race in september 2004. i've decided that i'm going to run another 5K in may and i'm working to try to improve my time from my last race. it will be interesting because the course is the same, so i should really be able to get a real idea of my improvement in the last year.

my daughter and i went on a cruise this month. it was just a 4 day cruise, but what a blast!! we had ports of call in key west and cozomel! they were both beautiful. neither one of us had done this before, so it was a totally new experience! i would have NEVER done this when i was suffering from morbid obesity...
the new and exciting experiences i'm having are so totally fun!! i'm so glad to be having them now!! its the first time in my adult life that i've actually had so much fun!! i'm looking forward to skiing again this summer. i'm stronger than i was last summer, so who knows... maybe slalam (sp)??

for all of you who are either fighting to have this life altering/saving surgery or have just started your "losing" journey, you can do it!! i've come up with a new slogan for people who say i "took the easy way out"... i tell them, "the surgery changed my stomach, I CHANGED MY LIFE!!" so don't let ANYONE influence you... this is one decision that you make JUST FOR YOU!!

please email me with questions and/or comments! hope to hear from you soon!!

elizabeth, i'm so happy that you have started on the journey to your new life!! i know you will be successful because you are a strong person!

stephanie, i'm so proud of your accomplishments and i can't wait to see you!! keep up the good work and be healthy!!

tracie, your 1 year is almost here and you are LOOKIN GREAT!!! enjoy it and be kind to yourself!!

((hugs))
caroline

2-12-04 - boy, its been a LONG time since i've updated and i apologize! my life continues on its crazy way! :) i continue to exercise and eat right. my exercise routine has gotten better. i am working on becoming more discplined in my thinking.

i had a "fat day" about a week ago. i don't think i've had one of those until now. i put on a pair of jeans, that i've been wearing for months and they felt snug. OMG!! i panicked!! i dove right into a depression that lasted the whole day. i ruined a perfectly good shopping trip with my daughter and i snapped at my husband when i returned home... in talking to my daughter and in my therapy session that week, i realized that EVERYONE has "fat days", no matter what size they are. and the reasons behind them are different for everyone. i never saw the scale move, but i just "felt fat". i KNEW i was gaining all of my weight back... i got through that day and felt better the next... but it was scary, feeling that way. old fears die hard... and some of them NEVER die!! once you reach your goal weight, its a whole different ball game... whether you want to admit it or not. this whole process is HARD, even though this surgery is a WONDERFUL tool to use to meet your goals!! you must CONSTANTLY be diligent of what you're eating, if you want to have continued success. and people who tell you different, are fibbing to you!!

so many people are so kind to me, with their great compliments and comments! i had someone tell me the other day, "you look so great! but you probably get tired of hearing that, don't you?" LOL! i told her laughingly, that i probably would NEVER get tired of hearing it! LOL!! you know, i don't know how i look to other people, but i do know how i FEEL, and that is SUPER!!! the one thing that this surgery and the changes that its made in my life has given me, that i didn't expect, is self-confidence! i knew i'd feel better, but i had no idea that i could be like i am today! so to all the surgery "hopefuls" who are thinking, "that could NEVER be me", KNOW that i said the same thing!!!!! take a deep breath and hang on, because you're in for the ride of your life!!! it CAN AND IT WILL BE YOU!!!!!

hugs to all until next time,
caroline

****************************************************************
12-25-03 - MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND MAY ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!! this should be a nice day for us here in N.C. the weather is supposed to be beautiful... our daughter is home from school and we don't have anywhere to go, so we'll all probably just hang out in our jammies in front of the fire and enjoy the day and being together!! thats what its all about anyway, right??

the last couple of months have been weird for me... its like i'm trying to figure out where my "new life" is going... although i know that i must, i've been stuggling to exercise and i couldn't figure out why. i love to run, but i've had to FORCE myself to get out of the bed to do it. at first i thought that it was because i wasn't "training" for a specific event, but i FINALLY have realized "what the deal is"! for all these months, i've eaten right, exercised, etc. and i've had the positive reinforcement of getting on the scales and watching my weight go down, down, down!! what a high that is!!!! but NOW, my weight loss has stopped (as i knew it would and i'm fine with the weight that i am at) and i don't get that "feeling" anymore of seeing another pound drop off!! so it IS harder to motivate ones self to continue to exercise and eat right. i realize that in order to KEEP the weight off and remain healthy i must continue to exercise, but now i have to find some other reason to "get that good feeling". i must admit, THIS IS A LOT HARDER TO DO! LOL!!

in the last month, i've found some of those bad habits from "before" rearing their ugly heads! and i saw a slight weight gain (around 3 pounds) and even though i never went above 170 which was my target weight, i still fell into some depression over it!! eating out of boredom, just to fill time is MY big issue. and i saw some of that coming back. its easy to fall into complacency that will lead to FAILURE!!! what we MUST remember is that this surgery IS just a tool and we CAN gain weight back!!! and OMG, i don't want to EVER be in that situation again. i've worked too hard and am enjoying life too much to ever be overweight again... the "honeymoon" phase of this surgery is wonderful and it DOES seem like a miracle, but i'm here to tell you, that reality WILL set in again and if you're not "semi-prepared" for it, it can hit HARD!!! so PLEASE try to prepare yourself mentally for this "phase" of WLS so that you can continue your journey to a "lighter," healthier life!!!

our struggles are never gone, they just change...
holiday hugs to all,
caroline

*SEE MORE UPDATES BELOW GOALS LIST*

ONGOING GOALS LIST:
1. cross my legs - done (i know its not good for you)
2. sit in a movie theatre seat - done
3. buy a sexy bra from victoria's secret - done (i opened my own acct! hehe!)
4. sit in one of those "chair-in-a-bag" and not wonder if i'm going to break it - done
5. weed the flower garden without pain - done
6. buy clothes from "normal" stores - done (and keep doing, watch out GAP, Lerner, AE, etc)
7. polish my toenails - done (but i still get a pedicure anyway, thanks sherrie)
8. tie my shoes and breathe at the same time - done
9. wear a 2 piece bathing suit (this really wasn't a goal, but its turned into another dream come true) - done
10. participate in a race and be competitive - done 9-6-03 - finished 154th out of 165 with a time of 32:56 (going to run another this weekend)
11. walk further than to the kitchen without pain - done
12. water ski - done 6-29-03 WHOOPPEE!!!!! :)
13. ride the innertube behind the boat - done 6-15-03 WHAT A BLAST to finally get to DO something fun instead of watching everyone else have fun!! :-)
14. walk the beach wearing just my bathing suit and no "cover ups" - done march 2003, fort walton beach, fla
15. go to a class reunion
16. use a "regular" towel to "wrap up in" - done
17. travel somewhere i've never been - done - 10-9-03, CALIFORNIA!!!

****************************************************************
12-3-03 - hello, hello, hello... long time, no update!! i'm here to remedy that tonight! my life continues to "roll along" at a wonderful pace. in talking to others about this surgery, i continue to uncover many things about myself and being overweight; the way i felt and why i felt that way... its continues to be a "road of discovery". i am looking back at my life before WLS surgery and seeing how/why i felt the way i did in many different things. i didn't treat myself nicely so i didn't think that i deserved to be treated nicely from others. i never made myself a priority...everyone else and their needs came first. mine didn't matter... believe me that's changed!! LOL!! the one thing that comes to mind when i think of this is my therapy... when i first started it, i went to 1 or 2 appointments, then i kept cancelling and rescheduling them because everything else took precedence over ME! well NOW i don't miss a session; i look forward to them and i feel better about myself and everyone else!! i go regularly for a massage, pedicure and "hair maintenance" (only my hair dresser knows for sure! LOL). my husband says i've become a "high maintenance" girl! LOLOLOL!! for the first time in my life, i'm loving ME first and in doing so, i'm able to love and treat EVERYONE else in my life with more love and respect!! the same can be said about my exercise program! i have made it a priority in my life so it is a part of my life!! i know that in order for me to stay thin and healthy, i MUST exercise!! i MUST continue to change my life totally and NOT fall back into old habits!! some days THIS IS HARD!!! but if there is one thing that running has taught me; if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you'll meet any goal you set for yourself! (and if you've read the last entry, i still haven't "set my new goal yet") you just have to "DIG DOWN DEEP inside yourself" and will yourself to go on. whether its running or not eating when you're bored or stressed. the same rule applies! GOOD LUCK AND LOVE YOURSELF!!

oh yeah, before i forget, speaking about running... I RAN A MILE IN 9.47 MINUTES THIS MORNING!!!! i've NEVER run a mile in under 10 minutes before. this is VERY exciting and i wanted to share it!!

i don't get much email from pre-ops/post-ops anymore... i'm not sure why... i have a good friend who is thinking seriously about having this surgery and she is afraid that i'll "get tired" of talking about it! LOL!! i told her i NEVER seem to get tired of sharing experiences of my new life and how i got here. (ask my family, they can recite my story from start to finish! LOL)

i know that when i was first researching this surgery, i would look through the before/after pictures and i was so AMAZED by the results!! i never believed that i could have the same amazing results!! i would sometimes hesitate on emailing "those thin people" because surely they wouldn't be interested in talking to an "overweight" person like me!! but they did respond and its important to know that THIS is what this website is all about!! its full of wonderful people, and i'm so glad to be a part of this "family" so "email away"!! i LOVE to correspond with others!! :-)

well, thats about all i can come up with tonight! sometimes i feel like what i'm saying makes NO SENSE whatsoever to anybody else!! LOL!! i ramble and meander through so many feelings... i hope it helps somebody, but i KNOW this helps ME!!

WHAT A TRIP THIS CONTINUES TO BE!!!!! i'm glad i'm on it with so many wonderful people!! have a great evening!!

hugs to all,

caroline

p.s., ok elizabeth, i'll be checking your profile now!! :-)

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
11-7-03

Good Friday evening to all…

I haven’t updated in so long and I feel bad about that… I feel like I haven’t had a lot to say. The weight loss has stopped; I fluctuate between 163 and 167, usually sticking right around 166. I’m in a comfortable size 10 and am feeling great! So I’m trying to figure out why I feel melancholy sometimes. With the help of counseling, I think I may be figuring it out. Although I don’t know if anyone else has felt this way, I thought I would share my feelings anyway…

For so many years, I had this dream of being healthy and thin, feeling attractive and being able to shop ANYWHERE I wanted to. I knew that I would never live this dream, so this let me keep dreaming it. I would lose a little weight, feel a little better and then gain it all plus more back and feel TERRIBLE. You all know what I’m talking about. Then I made the decision to have this surgery, and my gosh, be careful what you wish for, because it might come true… now all of a sudden, in a bit over a years time, I am living that dream! And now for the first time in my life, I don’t focus on “losing weight” all the time. Other’s around me talk about “starting weight watchers,” or thinking about “the atkins diet,” etc. It feels REALLY WEIRD to not say anything. To feel totally satisfied and contented with myself, to not “pick myself apart constantly”; to not constantly think “I need to start a diet, but why?? I know I’ll only fail again!” This sounds like that dream I was talking about previously, doesn’t it?? When the weight loss was happening, I set another goal for myself. To run the 5K; I trained, mentally and physically for 3 months and now I’ve run 2 – 5Ks in 2 months. The first was on 9-6-03 and the second was on 10-4-03. I attained that goal too, which I felt WONDERFUL ABOUT!!

But now, it seems I’m struggling… from the outside, looking in, everything should be GREAT!! And I many ways, it is; however, “normal” is creeping in and I knew that it would. I wanted to talk about this so that others might be prepared if they go through the same feelings as me (although sometimes I feel pretty darned weird! LOL!) I’m trying to figure out a new “goal” for myself. One that isn’t necessarily “weight loss oriented.” It seems I’m having a hard time getting out of that mind set. I really enjoy being considered “athletic” for the first time in my life and so I figure that whatever my new goal will be, it will have to do with some sort of sport. I can “swim to save my life” but I think maybe I’d like to learn to actually “swim”. Or maybe I could learn to play the piano… and learning to deal with “normal” after having such an extraordinary experience as this has been, can be a bit challenging too. But I’m dealing with that.

One other thing I’d like to talk about is CAUTION when you lose most of or all of your weight. Those first months after surgery, most of us are very cautious and don’t “push the envelope” when it comes to eating. But as time goes on, we get a bit braver and experiment a little more. Start eating falling back into some of those old habits. I’m speaking from experience here. Anybody who knows me, knows that I’m a BIG RULE FOLLOWER!! Well here it is folks, my admission that I DON’T follow the rules ALL the time!! LOLOLOL!!! I have found myself going in search of food when I’m bored. Now granted, the food I’m looking for is healthier and I don’t eat as much, but the “behavior” is still there. I still have to fight those cravings/urges sometimes. I’ve said since the beginning that this surgery is just a tool (yes we’ve all heard and probably said it too). Our “overweight” behavior doesn’t just disappear! We have to rise up and fight it with all of our might!!! Since I’m not training for a specific event right now, getting up out of bed at 4:30 a.m. 4 days a week and running is not EASY!! I want to roll over and go back to sleep. But I am fighting those tendencies!! LOL!! I just want everyone to know that when you’re over a year out and you have lost a substantial amount of weight, it CAN start to come back. And I know that I speak for EVERYONE when I say that after all that we’ve been through, we DON’T EVER WANT TO GAIN THE WEIGHT BACK!!!!! So we MUST change our life behaviors!!

I hope that this makes sense to others, and possibly helps… it helps me just recording it.

Good luck to each and every person at whatever stage of the “journey” you are in,

Hugs to all,
Caroline

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9-30-03 - not much new here... still holding between 164 and 167, depends on what day i weigh. lol! i seemed to have stopped totally now. which is good. there was a really nice article written in our local paper about me. a really good friend of mine wrote it and i was very happy with the way it turned out. she truly put into written word, what i felt... i have had GREAT feedback from it. its amazing how many people are thinking about this surgery! i'm so glad that so many insurance companies are recognizing the benefits of having this surgery. i just hope that someday this surgery is available to ANYONE who needs and wants to have it, without the fight!!

well, i must get busy, more thoughts later...
hugs to all,
caroline
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9-14-03 - i have recuperated from my race and am back to my daily routine of running 30 minutes... life is new and exciting daily, but its starting to feel like this is "normal". its weird, i knew this day would come, but really wasn't prepared for it. its like the old saying goes, "be careful what you wish for..." after years of being morbidly obese, i am the "normal" that i always wanted to be (whatever that means...) life is unfolding in front of me and i am a PART of it, not just watching it go by. but like everything in life, you get used to it. i'm trying to figure out how to "not forget where i came from, but not dwell on it either." the old feelings of inadequacy and embarassment rear their ugly heads at times, but the new feelings of self-confidence and pride overcome the old feelings (most of the time). here is an example of a situation that happened yesterday and the difference in how i feel now and how i would have felt before i lost the weight (maybe this has nothing to do with weight, but it does have to do with how i handle myself...) i was running on the Greenway (a great running/walking/biking trail we are fortunate to have in morganton) yesterday morning and i came up on a man coming towards me. i thought it was a guy that works with my husband, so i said "Good morning Cliff!" and as soon as he stared at me in bewilderment, i realized that it wasn't Cliff after all... i just laughed and said, "why, you're not cliff, are you?? good morning anyway!!" and continued on... before i would have be SOOOO EMBARASSED and would have skulked away with my head down and i would have obessed over how stupid i appeared all day long. i think this is just the change in how WE FEEL ABOUT OURSELVES when we lose the weight and are more confident! again, maybe this doesn't make any sense to anyone but me, but it helps me to write it down so that i CAN remember!

now i'm going to say something i thought i'd NEVER say!! i'm trying to figure out how to STOP losing weight... lol!!! i never thought i'd reach as low as 164. i think i still look healthy, but i don't want to look like a walking skeleton. and at 5'11" 164 is pretty light for me. i'm going to talk to the dietician about it this week. its not that i'm not eating, because i am. sometimes i feel like i'm eating too much, but i'm obviously not. and i don't want to get lulled into a false sense of security and then start GAINING weight!! aaahhhh!!! NO WAY!!!

well, i guess i'll close this edition of my journal. we have our monthly support meeting this thursday, so i can't wait to see everybody!! take care and TAKE YOUR SUPPLEMENTS!!! :)

hugs,
caroline
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9-9-03 - here is my update concerning the race. its a diary that i kept this last week.

Monday 9-1-03
The Monday before the race… its labor day and we’ve got today off, so I got up and went to the Greenway to run at about 8 a.m. the weather was ok, it was awfully humid though. It had rained quite hard on Sunday. As I arrived at the Greenway, I prepared by putting on my heart rate monitor, getting my water bottle and locking the car. I had on my new running clothes that I ordered specifically for the race. I still can’t believe that I am wearing spandex out in public and looking pretty good in it… I walk by windows and see my reflection and I wonder who that person is… its weird, I used to buy specific clothes to “make me look athletic”, now I really am becoming physically fit and it feels great. I’m going to the Greenway at least once a week to run at about the same time, so I often see the same people who are there walking or running also. We are becoming familiar with each other and always speak. I make an effort to speak to each person whom I pass. Most of them, I pass at least twice, once coming and once going, so I say “good morning” the first time I meet them and “have a good day,” the second… I find that I’m much more friendly and outgoing, often trying to pull a “good morning” from the “grouchy” person. I figure maybe speaking to them and offering a smile might brighten their day a little bit…

After reaching my target heart rate and stretching appropriately, I begin my run. Working my heart rate back into that target zone that I’m looking for. As I run, I try to notice life and the world around me. the squirrels are eating or burying nuts, spiders have built webs (why is it they have to build them “face level” with my face?), I hear ducks quacking on the river and the birds are singing happily… I run on… I come to a lovely deck area on the Greenway that overlooks and goes down to the Catawba River. I remember a time, in the not too distant past, when I tried walking and I could barely walk to this spot. And when I did get there, I had to sit down because I was in so much pain from shin splints and plantar fascitis. Then I had to hobble (literally) back to the car; but here I am running past that spot. Talk about ironic… I feel my body falling into, what is becoming, a familiar pattern. I am sweating, then drinking, breathing and running. I feel so alive, doing this that I’ve never done before… and having a feeling of success that I’ve never had either! I reach the mile and turn to go the other way. I completed that mile in about 11 minutes. Its not really fast, but its fast enough for today. As I head back on my second mile, I start thinking about the race on Saturday, and of course, my heart rate jumps up and out of its target zone. LOL! It always does that when I think about the race. This last week, I have actually been pushing myself up and out of my target zone so that I can see how much I can physically tolerate. I’m trying to plan my running strategy in my mind. I know its important to not push too hard, too early. I’m going to try very hard to stay in my target zone for the first couple of miles and then try to “give it all I have left” to finish up. My thoughts are interrupted by a lady, whom I’ve seen and spoken to on all my other morning runs…she asks “how far do you run?” of course I can’t stop, but I slow down and tell her that I run as far as I can go in 30 minutes…and that’s usually about 2.75 miles… she looks impressed, and I for the first time allow myself to “be a runner,” not just “feel like a runner.” I told her quickly that I was training for a race next Saturday. She wished me luck and I thanked her. As I pressed myself above my target zone, I waited for the dreaded “stitch” in my side, but it never came… I was happy. I finished my 30+ minutes, cooled down, stretched and headed home, feeling great, to begin my day…

Tuesday 9-2-03
Well, one day closer. Today is a rest day. I can tell the difference in my day when I don’t start it out running… I feel foggier and heavier, both of mind and body, when I don’t start with exercise (OMG, did I say that??) I’m feeling a bit more nervous today… there are so many people who are coming out to support me at this race…I just don’t want to let them down… donna wanted pictures of me in my “running attire” to put with my “before” picture for the newspaper article she is writing. Jerry took some of me this evening and I will print them out tomorrow at work. I will get to see the article and proof it Thursday. She said she hopes that she has done my story “justice.” I’m sure she has! Just the fact that she actually wanted to write about journey is so important to me. I want to help bring more attention to this surgery and the life-saving changes it makes… the only way that society’s views will change is if more people are willing to tell their stories… I only hope mine can make a difference! I had a co-worker come into my office today and say “Caroline, I heard you’re running in the 5K this weekend! How exciting for you!” he is a runner also, and he was giving me some insight into his philosophies on running. That’s one thing I’ve found, everyone has their own opinions and ideas and they are more than willing to share them. Its so good for me because I am on such a huge learning curve. I appreciate all the info that I can process. LOL! I try to process it and make sense of it for myself. I guess that’s what we all do for every change that occurs in our lives. I guess I could parallel it to having WLS. What works for someone else, might not work for me and visa versa… we’re just all trying to make sense of it…

I try to visualize the race course in my head… sometimes I’m successful at that and other times I’m not. I can’t imagine the adrenalin that will be pumping… truth be told, I can’t wait to feel that because I’ve never felt it before. Since I’m being honest, I’ll say it’s a little daunting. I hope that I can control it when I need to. well, since tomorrow is another day, I’m going to close on this one…

Wednesday, September 3, 2003
4:45 a.m. – up and at em!! Running on the treadmill this morning. I was going to run another 5K this morning, but then I decided I’d better not “break training” right before the race. My program has worked for me for this long, so I’d better stick with it. I was really tired this morning, for some reason… I didn’t sleep very well! I guess nerves are pressing in on me already! LOL! I felt “heavy-lidded” and I was sort of dredding getting on the treadmill and having to work! But I did anyway and when I was done, I felt more satisfaction than I would have if I would have been “bright-eyed and bushy tailed” when I started. I thought to myself, “even though I didn’t want to, I went forward; I didn’t skip exercising!”

I spoke to a friend of mine who is having her surgery tomorrow! I just wanted to touch base with her and let her know that I’d be thinking about her and I’d be over to see her tomorrow. Its weird, I worry more about others having surgery than I did about myself when I had it! Anyway, I know she’s going to do great!!

The rest of my day was pretty uneventful… but this race is never far from my mind. I guess the significance of it; I’ve never “put myself out there to sink or swim before” and its kind of scary… but I guess this could pararallel my journey through WLS… its exciting and scary, but so rewarding if you dig deep down and find the courage to go forward! So, like all else that is new in my life, I’m learning how to dig deep and face fears and go forward…

More tomorrow…
Thursday, September 4, 2003
Well, only one more day… what the heck am I doing?? LOL dustie called today to ask what time the race started. I wasn’t home, but Jerry filled her in and she said she’d see me Saturday! I really feel special, I mean with, dustie, joyce, becky, donna and anyone else who comes out early Saturday morning to cheer me on!! And Brooke will be driving from Asheville either late Friday night or early Saturday morning to be a cheerleader for me! J and I’m so glad that Jerry will be here. If it would have been next weekend, he would have been in Colorado!

I swear, the same things keep going through my mind. Will I be able to finish? Will I be able to run all the way? Will I be the slowest out there and everyone else pass me? will I be able to dig deep when I need to? I know that I can run 5K because I’ve done it… but will I be able to do it under pressure and in front of all these people?? Now I know how Brooke must have felt all these years… but she has always worked really hard and practiced so that she is really prepared for whatever she is doing, like cheering, dancing, etc. but wait a minute, didn’t I follow those same rules?? I’ve done this right too… I met with, dustie, a trainer; I’ve followed her training schedule exactly! I’ve worked hard and practiced, both physically and mentally. I’ve gained information from experienced runners (thanks donna) and learned from what they said; incorporated it into what works for me… so shouldn’t I be as successful as what Brooke has always been?? I think so!! I’m going to go out there and hold my head high and be proud of whatever I do in this race because I HAVE worked hard!! I need to give myself credit! Why do I always do that?? Never want to say good things about myself; it might sound conceited… poopoo on that; conceit here I come!! LOL!!

Tomorrow is a day of rest. I would normally run on Friday morning, but the schedule calls for a rest day. And of course, I’m a rule follower! As the time draws near, my attention continues to focus on this race. I’m ready for it to be here. I’m not ready to “be done with it” because I want to savor this moment! This is going to be MY moment. I may never do this again, but Saturday is going to be all about me!

September 6, 2003
Well, here we are! Its RACE DAY at 5:15 a.m.!!! Yesterday I was pretty nervous, anxious and excited and then a friend of mine, as I was walking out the door to go home said, “Caroline, have fun tomorrow!” what an interesting concept that is! LOL!! It hit me that I had lost touch with the reason that I had started this. Other than proving something, only to myself, I was having FUN training and running!! I was so thankful to him for reminding me and putting this back into perspective!! So that EXACTLY what I’m going to do! I know that I can run this because I’ve run 5K before with no problem…so there’s nothing to worry about! J I slept pretty well, waking a couple of times, but able to go back to sleep. I’m showered, my race clothes are nice and clean and I’M READY!!! For inspiration, I took a copy of my “before” picture and put it in my water bottle carrier and am taking that “me” along on this journey too!! So here I go, let’s go racin!!!!! More later…

POST-RACE:
Its 3:08 p.m. now and I did it!! We arrived at the race site at around 7 a.m. and I went in to pick up my packet. It had my coveted t-shirt and my number (10). The weather was quite cool and it was a bit breezy. I, of course, didn’t come prepared. No jacket! I had sweat pants, but I was really chilly. Brooke got there (sleepy eyed from her drive). Donna arrived and (bless her) gave me her jacket. She helped me pin on my number in the right place and then we walked around to warm up a bit. When we headed back to Jerry and Brooke and Susan had gotten there. As I walked up, we were chatting and I was introducing everyone and someone came up behind me and grabbed my shoulders… I turned around AND IT WAS MY MOM AND DAD!!! THEY HAD DRIVEN IN FROM OHIO FRIDAY TO WATCH MY RACE!!! I was soooo shocked and very happy and touched that this event had been important enough for them to drive 8 hours to be with me!! becky and joyce and dustie arrived and my cheering section was complete!! I was so happy that these important people in my life were with me on this momentous day!! I was getting less nervous, but I was just ready to “get this show on the road”. Soon they “called everyone to the line”, read the rules and said “ready, set, HORN BLOW” and we were off.

My heart rate was over my “target” in less than 5 minutes! I had trained so carefully, had a well laid plan for this race and poof, it went out the window that quickly! LOL I was toward the end of the pack and at one point, I was afraid that I was actually last! That made my heart pound even harder and I had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. At about ½ mile, my mind started doing bad things to me. I started thinking “what have I done…what made me think I could do this…I was wrong” but for the first time in my life, I didn’t quit! I had to do what I’ve always dreamed about doing, digging deep within me and finding the strength to go on, even when I didn’t think I could… I believed in myself, and I simply, just kept going!! I refused to bow down to those negative feelings that were trying to chip away at the “new life” I had embarked on!! I was not going to disappoint myself or all those who believed in me!! I WOULD finish this race!!! As I continued on the course, I concentrated on just putting one foot in front of the other; I tried not to concentrate on “is there anyone behind me?” and eventually I found a rhythm. I’m not saying that “it became easy”, because it wasn’t EVER easy, but I thought, “if it was easy, everyone would do it!” I can remember thinking of the times, as a mom, I’d told Brooke that. And there it was again, I’m following my own rules! Shortly after I passed the 1 mile mark, the front runners were already passing me, going back to the finish line. I tried not to think about that! I just thought about the fact that I was coming up on a person and it seemed as though I might actually pass her and OMG, then if I WAS in last place, I wouldn’t be anymore! So I really concentrated hard on keeping my pace steady and I DID pass her. I thought I would never finish that second mile… it seemed to take forever, but I was making progress. I was covering ground with every step, so I knew that the finish line was getting closer. As I made the “turn around” to head back, I realized that I hadn’t been in last place as I had thought. There were quite a few people behind me, so that dread of seeing my name last on the list evaporated! As I crossed the 2 mile marker, I remembered someone, in the last week saying to me, if you can make it 2 miles, then you’re going to finish. I concentrated on that, I drank and continued to put one foot in front of the other. I was coming up on another woman, but she seemed to be right at the same pace as me, so we ran in unison for a while. Rounding the corner back on to Independence Avenue and heading for the last leg, there is an uphill grade that donna told me would look like a mountain. When she told me, I believed her, but when I made the corner, IT REALLY DID LOOK LIKE A MOUNTAIN! BUT, as the grade started the woman I’d been running in unison with seemed to be slowing and I kept the same pace going, AND I PASSED HER… I have to be honest, at this point I wasn’t feeling all that great. My heart rate was going way up (173) and I knew I still had a ways to go, so once I had made my pass and gotten up the grade, I tried to slow just a bit so that I didn’t get a stitch in my side. I knew that if that happened, I would really struggle. The slight slowing helped; I slowed my heartrate back to around 164 and I felt a bit better. But I was coming up on another person and the 3 mile mark. I remember donna saying, “if you have anything left at the 3 mile mark, turn it on then!” I thought to myself, if I can pass THIS person, my name moves up another notch from the bottom… then I saw it, the 3 mile marker, and then I saw Donna taking pictures and cheering me on and I made the pass on that woman. But at the same time, there was another woman, waiting for the woman that I passed and she started running with the woman that I passed; she was urging her on and I could hear the “swish, swish” of their pants; I could see the finish line and I thought “I AM NOT GOING TO LET THIS PERSON PASS ME NOW! NOT THIS CLOSE TO THE END!” so I really did “turn it on” for that last 1/10 of a mile and I crossed the finish line ahead of the “swish, swish” of their pants!! I HAD JUST FINISHED MY FIRST 5K RACE!!! And at that moment I felt almost sick… I was dizzy and REALLY out of breath and my legs felt VERY shaky. Luckily, donna had warned me of this and said it was VERY temporary. I was glad I had listened because if I hadn’t, I might have been scared. I just bent over to get the blood to my head and then kept walking slowly around to cool down… donna came up to me and told me my time (I think 33:06) and congratulated me on my success!! She said she was very proud of me and that meant a lot coming from her!

Then it was back to my cheering section to share my “moment” with them! First and foremost was a long hug with my husband. He was very proud of me and very emotional, as was I! Then Brooke, my mom and dad, susan, dustie, joyce and becky!! All offered their congratulations and stated how proud they were of me!! I didn’t really know how important that was to me until it happened!! I did have another really cool thing happen; my PCP, Dr. Scoggins, who is also a runner came up to me after the race. He knew I was running in this race and said that he had waited to see me cross the finish line! He offered his congratulations and said how great I looked. He said, “when I pulled in the parking lot, I thought who is that good looking woman in spandex? And then I realized that it was you!!” LOL!! Bless him!! He made my day!! I also included him in my “victory,” since he was the one who helped me start it all, by referring my to the Surgical Weight Loss Program at Frye Hospital!! It is because of him, I have a lot of these wonderful relationships!!

So here I sit, it is now 10:29 p.m. and my body is sore and aching, but with every muscle twitch and moan and groan, I feel WONDERFUL!!! Today has been a day that I will remember forever! I achieved ALL the goals I had set for this race! I finished the race, I ran the whole way with no walking and I wasn’t last!!! I’M A WINNER!! I put myself out there with the chance and the opportunity to fail, but I didn’t!!!! I succeeded and it feels great!! I don’t know if I’ll ever do this again, but I do know that at the awards ceremony, the time for the third place person was 26:XX and I thought, “hmmmmm, I wonder what it would take to be quicker next time…” so maybe there will be another chapter to this “running diary.” More later????? We’ll see…

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8-30-03 - good morning to all here at OH! its been a while since i've posted, and for that i'm sorry. i feel like my posts are getting boring. LOL! well, i got on the scale this morning and had a nice surprise! 166 pounds!! WOW!! a total of almost 142 pounds gone!! the results of surgery continue to amaze me!!

i made a HUGE change last week!! i've cut off all my hair and had it colored!! IT LOOKS FABULOUS AND I LOVE IT!!!! i feel so different and people have actually said that they didn't recognize me!! LOL!! my husband and i ran into some people we know at a store in hickory (about 20 miles away from where we live) and she said she saw jerry and was trying to avoid him because she knew "that woman with him wasn't caroline". she said she was headed out the door to CALL ME AT HOME TO TELL ME!! LOLOLOLOL!!!!! the look on her face when i spoke to her was priceless!! i told my husband that he's going to "have a reputation" before this is all over!! lol!! my new look makes me feel "sassy and sexy" lol!!! its been a fun change (thanks sherry for doing such a great job on it!) i'll post a new picture soon!!

well, i'm doing the final preparations for my upcoming race (NEXT SATURDAY)! OMG!! LOL!! i'm a little nervous, but VERY EXCITED!! i actually ran 5K (3.1 miles) yesterday and my time was 34 minutes 10 seconds, which i think was pretty darned good!! so think speedy thoughts for me next saturday!!

well, i'll close for now. i'll post more later...
hugs to all,
caroline

8-16-03 - i celebrated my "re-birthday" yesterday! what a great day it was. i wore an outfit to work that i probably wouldn't have normally worn, but it made me feel good, so i wore it!! i had dinner with a friend who is having her surgery 9-4-03 (good luck stephanie!) but really, the day was anti-climactic... life being good has become "the norm" and i'm so thankful. i think maybe now, i'm ready to move forward totally and stop thinking of the past so much. what i mean (sorry if this sounds a bit goofy) is for the past year, my old "fat" self and my new "thin" self have fought with one another...i've been trying to figure out "who i am". i don't want to forget where i've come from, because i don't think i could appreciate who i am now without remembering all the pain i endured being overweight. but i also don't want to waste a lot of time consciously going over all those years. if i do that, then i won't be thouroughly enjoying who i am now!! so basically, i'm going to "go with the flow" LOL!! i love who i am now, what i can do and how i feel about myself and life in general and i hold a special place in my heart for the person that started this journey (corny, maybe, but alas i'm a goof! LOL) its like the chapter has closed and a new one is beginning AND I'M EXCITED ABOUT IT!!!

well, i must go and run. i'm still training for the big 5K race 3 weeks from today! another new chapter!! :-)

wishing luck and sending prayers to all pre-ops and post-ops on this life-altering journey!! just know that you have lots of people who will care and will help...and i'm one of them! email me if i can answer any questions or be of any support!!

love to all and God Bless...
caroline


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8-10-03 - well, here i am, 5 days from being "one year old". my "re-birthday" (surgery anniversary) is on friday, 8-15-03. i can't believe that a whole year has past... when i compare my life now with my life then, its unbelieveable! i'm happy "in my own skin" now. and that in turn makes me happy in my whole life. i look at everything differently now. i smile so much and feel happy and excited about life.

i had someone ask me this question recently; "don't you think that if you would have had the will power and changed your eating habits like you have with this surgery, you could have lost this weight without having the surgery?" its a fair question, and one i had to think about before i answered (and i still think about it). i told this person that, no, i don't think i could have. i had developed such bad habits and i was in such a downhill spiral there was no coming out of it without something drastic! i had gotten soooo heavy and i hurt sooooo much when i moved that i just didn't move... i just kept eating, getting depressed, gaining more weight and ea

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