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It's strange how right when my discouragement over this surgery reached it's lowest the scale FINALLY moved.  I am beginning to wonder if I am actually eating too little in calories.  Why?  The week I was so depressed I eat horrible, probably more calories since the surgery.  Though they were bad ones I wonder if my body was all excited and lost weight.  Just a theory.

I got some great advice from my last post here and feel I am getting back on track.  Now the scale has moved I am rededicated to making myself do the same.  I actually miss exercising.  I need it for my mental health along with my physical one as well.  My friend back in Indiana has presented a cool challenge to for us to do together.  She had the RNY over 9 years ago and has done the yo-yo thing with her weight.  She has 40 lbs she would like to get off and I have 40 lbs left to get off as well.  The challenge is a friendly competition to see who does it first.  We both got the Flirt Girl work out videos, which we can do "together" along with anything else we want to add.  It is like the biggest loser long distant!  I am excited to have the extra motivation.  Plus, she has some awesome clothes I would inherit if she loses the weight along with my loss...can't blame a girl to get excited over FREE clothes.

So, today I have re-tracking my food intake, water intake and exercise.  Not to mention my measurements and clothes size.  I haven't been a size 16 since high school I think.  Which might I add is exciting!  However, I did realize my body shape may never allow me to be a size 0 which I need to accept.  I am not other people I am ME and need to be excited over my milestones.  They may be smaller then others but they are mine, just like this journey is mine.  So, off to do some moving

You make a decision to have this surgery to change your life.  Yet when it happens it seems once again you failed somehow.  It's been six months and you've only lost 83 lbs.  Yes, that is a large amount but you have so much to go!  Is it the way you are eating, what you're eating, not doing....the questions still linger and race inside your head. 

I am still the failure so many had called me all my life.  I even have failed at the gastric bypass surgery.  I eat sugar not every day, but often.  I eat carbs and wonder why I am not thinner.  Yet, this honeymoon phase that they speak of so much never landed on my door step.  I have had to exercise since the beginning to see any change. 

I am so discourage I want to cry but what is the point it wont change the scale.  I want to see a smaller number appear in my head and on the scale.  To never have to step foot in the plus size section of a store would be grand..but I must still now.  All the people I have meet are RNY failures.  They have lost weight and gained tons back.  Live unhealthy lives and eat whatever they want.  I don't want to be them I want to be healthy, thin and happy. 

Don't I deserve this??

Okay the last few days have been majorly stressful for me and I have realized I am a CARB addict.  Not a little addict that has a small problem I mean I am a huge full blown eatin the crap out of the crinkle bag addict.  This surgery can not stop this only I can and if I don't I will end up right back where I started.  I must learn to deal with my emotions in a better manner then to shove junk into my mouth. 

I realized that up to me working this past month I was using going to the gym to get out my life stresses etc.  How can I find time to be a mom, student, employee and wife?  I know there are only so many hours in a day, but I need the exercise.  Not just to keep the junk out of my mouth but also to help me stay in shape. 

I think I also need to plan my food in take which I am horrible at. So, what ya eating today will be my favorite post to get ideas what ya all are eating.  Because I am cluelss on what I need to eat to stay healthy since before I ate junk and didn't care.  

I just know I NO LONGER WANT TO BE UNHEALTHY and FAT!!

Month 1 10/7-11/7 281-242= 39 lbs
Month 2 11/7-12/7 242-237= 5 lbs
Month 3 12/7-01/7 237-219=18 lbs
Month 4 01/07-02/07 219-212=7 lbs
Month 5 02/07-03/07 212-203= 9 lbs
Month 6 03/07-04/07 203-193= 10 lbs
Month 7 04/07-05/07 193-193= 0 lbs
Month 8 05/07-06/07 193-192= 1 lbs
Month 9 06/07-07/07 192
Month 10 07/07-08/07
Month 11 08/07-09/07
Month 12 09/07-10/07
Month 8 05/07-06/07

Two weeks ago we (my family) joined the YMCA.  I have been going faithfully since for aqua exercise classes.  I am really enjoying the time away from kids, cell phones and my house.  However, mostly I am liking the fact I am moving!  I tried to do Power 90 DVD with my family and I about died.  I was dizzy, could hardly breathe and was sweatin horrible.  All this and not to mention I couldn't do 1/2 of the things they were doing.  Not sure if I am just to uncoordinated or my fat gets in the way.  So, modification in plans.  I will continue to go to the Y and will do what I can with P90.  I may not be able to do 10 reps but I can do 5.  I may not be skilled or strong enough (yet) to go from plank to upward dog stance.  However, I can do what I am able to do and keep moving. 

I guess all this being said I am learning slowly oh so slowly the important thing is I am moving.  My heart rate is up and I am building muscles.  My goal is to be able to do the whole 35 min workout with my family. 

Now onto the scale obsession.  Yes, I am obsessed!  I found myself on the stupid thing 2-3 times a day.  This is insane for any person to be doing, yet there I was being insane.  So, I did a self intervention.  I took the scale out of the bathroom, out of sight out of mind philosophy.  I allow myself to be weighed on Monday morning, then out it must go.  I keep reading people say I am more then what the scale says and I have to believe this motto.  I become annoyed if the numbers didn't change and feel this whole things is a waste.  

I wonder if it is worse because I have a Feb cruise looming over my head and I so want to be down more before going.  I would love to be under 200 lbs.  When the scale remains the same I freak...and since I am exercising this may be the case. I have to remember also that muscle weighs more then fat and I am building muscles somewhere under all this extra cushion.  

With all this being said I know in my brain in order for both of these things to work out in my favor.  You know the scale changing and exercise building muscle I have to be getting enough protein.  While my head knows this to be true my stomach has other ideas.  The thought of another protein shake passing my lips may make me vomit.  The quest for one that I can stand is costing a fortune on my pocket book...well really my hubby's.  I am never hungry so I totally forget to eat.  Nothing sounds good to eat nor does it taste good which makes getting PROTEIN in even harder.  

I read about all these people who are getting 90g a day in and I want to scream.  So, my mission for this next week is to meet the 60 g minimum my NUT gave me.  I am being realistic in saying at least 3 out of the 7 days, because I doubt I can go from 25-30 g to 60g overnight.  In doing this mission I hope to also have more energy and not be so freakin dizzy all day long.  

I'll keep ya posted!! 

It is strange I have lost 32 lbs since the day of surgery.  If you go by when I first had the consult with the surgeon it would be more, but I count day of.  Yet, when I saw pictures taken of me with the family on Hallowen I was so sad.  I look huge!  I thought I would at least to begin to appear smaller.  It was kind of dishearting to be honest.  

Yet, none of my old shirts fit, they fall off my shoulders or the breast area is not on the breast.  My jeans are loss though I haven't gone down a size yet.  I can get them on they just aren't comfortable to wear.  My rings spin around on my fingers.  All these things make me feel good about what I have accomplished even with all the vomitting, ER visits and dehydration.

I wonder when will I see it?  When will I begin to see the thinner version of me begin to emerge.  As I sit and type this I had this image pop in my head.  I feel as though I am a catepillar in the caccoon peeking through a tiny hole.  I know somewhere beneath all this fat, and insecurity of how I look to others and the mirror is a wonderful butterfly.  I long to see the butterfly!

I am sitting in my bed with a horrid headache that one would call a migraine.  the light from the computer is killing my head but I want to get my thoughts out while they are freshly running through my brain.

I thought I was so ready for this whole change in my life WLS.  I read my books, I listen to the seminars and countless other prep work.  Now I am 18 days out and am clueless as to what I should eat.  I know that sounds strange but really if you thought opening a box to eat was okay for 30 some years, you really don't know.

I read people's blogs about what they are making to eat.  Some look good others look well nasty!  Is it a mental block I have to climb over?  I just don't; know what I am suppose to be doing. I am suppose to eat soft foods, which are anything I can mash with a fork.  However, nothing taste good to me it all is blah or tastes like metal. 

Oh, in addition to this inner battle of the brain I am losing my boobs.  The 30 lbs have all gone from my chest which leaves my husband with some stupid ass comments.  I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but they did hurt.  I just keep thinking he is freaking out now..oh boy just wait till I have NOTHING left of a cleavage.  I warned him, my friend who is 8 yrs post op who just had breast lift and implants warned him.  It is like he could deal with all the fat rolls just don't take the boobs..what sense does that make. 

Then I have the looming date of Feb 10, 2010 over my head.  We are suppose to be going on a cruise with the friend mentioned above.  It will be my first cruise and I don't want to be a huge fat girl.  Just a plain old fat girl I can deal with just not the huge kind.  My mental goal is be under 200 lbs which makes me have to lose 50 plus pounds.  My friend (Shellie) said she did this and I shouldn't worry.  But hey she also dropped a size a month and I am only lossin boobs so no size budge here unless you count my bra size.  I don't; know I just feel so confused and alone.

Not sure what to do, when to do it or anything.  Shellie keeps saying get to 6 weeks out and this feeling will pass.  I struggle with depression as it is and this is not helping.  I want to know my husband still desires me flat chested me.  I want him to say hunny I am proud of what you are doing instead when I showed him a profile today that really inspired me (Kristy W) since her weight matched mine and so did her size.  He said see you can do this....he explained it as though what I am trying to accomplish is do-able.  HELLO I have lost 30 lbs, can't I at least get a pat on my back?  Maybe I shouldn't show him people who inspire me because then if I don;t "match up" I wont be a failure to him.  Heck I don;t even know anymore...I feel so lost

I wont say I am discouraged just confused, perplexed and a tad concerned.  This morning I arose like any post op day feeling a tad queasy.  Went to take my shower and remove my suture strips as instructed by Doc.  When I became overwhelmingly nauseous and dizzy.  Bent over thinking they say this helps please let it help.  The shower walls began to appear like a tilt-a-whirl. I remember thinking I have to get this shampoo out of my hair, and the next thing I knew I was sitting in the tub with my head against the wall.  Yes, I have officially experience passing out!  I even have a cut down my back from I assume the faucet as my "proof"  (might post a pic as memory)

So, like a good little patient I called the office, only to be told you are doing what you are suppose to be.  No you aren't getting 64 oz in but it is hard at this stage.  Rest for the day and call your primary Doc.  Oh, and yes sip sip sip away at the water.  The nurse even made me list what I ate yesterday, she said I am doing good since I am unable to drink more then 4 oz of the protein drinks.

I just feel like one day I a, "normal" the next I am passing out in the shower.  What is the deal?  I look around my house and see 100 things that need done, but then have a day where holding my head up takes effort.  I have been light headed and dizzy all day long.  The added fun of today is while dealing with all this I am trying to care for my two year old.

I look forward to see what tomorrow will bring!

It was an exciting moment to have my two week check up today.  Though my actually two weeks will be tomorrow, but hey I'm not complaining.

Asked about the chest pain, said it is a side effect from the surgery and he hopes it goes away.  How pleasant is that to know I am wont be having a heart attach any time soon.  Bad though he can't really tell me what is causing these horrid pains across my chest and how I can STOP them.  Oh, well goes to show medicine is not an exact science.

Bright notes though, I have lost 25 lbs from my pre op weight.  I am also advanced to soft foods!!  Happy Dance all around.
It is strange I am down 25 lbs and can't see a difference yet, I am excited to know when I or family will begin to notice a change.  Although, I was able to wear a shirt I couldn't fit in for the last several months because it was just too tight.

Left Dr off and headed to Taco Bell for some pinto/cheese.  First soft food meal, I was so excited.  Only to discover the beans made me nauseated.  Go figure!  I think it is the skin from the beans it makes me feel like I am trying to swallow flem.  Hoping this will pass in time.

Discovered if I drink too many protein drinks I get diarrhea.  Dr said not to stress try to drink one and then focus on high protein foods.  He said there are a lot of people that can't handle that high concentration of protein or the whey. 

Which brings me to a point of tension I am having with a few you-tube videos and post on OH I have read/watched lately.  Many people have this attitude of just "man up" and down those protein drinks, it is a necessity for you now since the surgery.  Well not all of can do this and we are trying to learn other ways to consume 90 grams of protein when we are use to consuming 900 grams of carbs.  This is a learning process and grace is an amazing thing.

I know this is stupid on my part, but I actually got mad at my husband's lunch order today.  He ran through the Golden Carb filled arches for some lunch for him and our son.  The smell of the food in the van made me actually angry.  I was so upset that once again there was food I couldnt consume this close to me. 

I keep asking myself why?  Then I had to begin to accept the fact I am a food junkie!!  The one item he purchased was a drug of choice and I wanted a fix.  Pure and simple!!!!  Yet, I don't want the 106 lbs later it brings along.  

I have to find a way to get my mental food junkie side to accept the desire for a healthy life style side of my brian.  Not sure how to do this...but I am on a mission.  Because I can't get angry every time my family eats my old drugs of choice.