comedychick1

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I've learned so many things about myself since having the surgery. First, I can save money for anything. If you want something bad enough, you can make it happen. Second, with love and support from a wonderful partner, you can do anything. Third, wil power is the key to getting through this. I could go on and on, but those are the most prominant.

I had a wonderful surgeon and am recovering well. Of course having the surgery doesn't mean the cravings stop or that you are never hungry again. Having this surgery is already changing my life drastically. I find it difficult to eat with people and somewhat feel like I'm on an island. I have to follow so many rules now. Rules that other people don't. I have limits that others don't and that is a serious adjustment. I'm used to family dinners and going out to eat with friends. Now, mostly I eat alone, away from the table and I absolutely do not go out to eat with friends. I'm only 13 days post op so I haven't had a ton of opportunites to go out but it will happen.

Christmas was really hard. Watching everyone load up their plates with turkey and all the fixins, then pie and ice cream. It was brutal, but not for the reason you may think. It wasn't brutal because I couldn't eat because I had a few bites. It was brutal to see how much everyone ate and to know I used to eat that amount. People overeat like a mound of food is a portion size. Your plate should never look like a mountain!! I get full off of a few bites and others get full off of two mountains plus dessert.

Eating pureed foods has been extremely difficult for me. Nothing but soup goes down really easy no matter how much I tell myself it does. I need to remind myself often that I'm doing this for a reason and that I am going to reap amazing benefits. I have to stop getting pissed that others are eating or overeating and be thankful that I'm not. A positive attitude is crucial and getting past the "woes" is critical.

Well, it's day five and I'm down 13 lbs!!! HOLLA!

It's nice to see the progress and I'm feeling better physically. I'm still experiencing hunger pains but the real blockage is head hunger. The truth and reality behind the head hunger is that it's part of the food addiction. I've been thinking a lot about the addiction side of things lately and wonder how it is I allowed myself to get to where I am. I know that it started when I lost my mom. In addition, I ended a 5-year relationship just after the funeral and turned to food for comfort almost immediately. The loss of a loved one makes you do crazy things. I've been steadily gaining weight since 2002 and have tried a plethra of diets/eating programs/cleanses and can never seem to stick with anything past the first 30 or so lbs. I work my ass off until I'm 30-40lbs down and then I give myself "one unhealthy meal" claiming I will get back on track the next day. Well, the next day turns into weeks or months even, thus the extra poundage. I'm not sure what it's going to take to beat the head hunger, maybe just continuing to work through the addition side of things. It's very important that on this journey I begin to understand and come to terms with the reasoning behind the weight gain. My expectation is to really get to know myself and face the demons - unleash the beast if you will.

I went to the store for the first time lastnight and I wanted to punch everyone that was shopping. I made a b-line for the milk section but still found my self envious of the passing carts full of food, ecspecially the veggies and fruit. What I wouldn't give for a jamba juice right now.

I'm holding strong right now but want to admit that I started my liquid diet a week early so that I could eat a little something on Thanksgiving. I can't decide if I'm doing it for certain, but I'm leaving it open. Does that make me a pile or just a weakling? Hmmm, that is the question..
 

Yesterday was grueling and today is almost as bad.

I think this will be the biggest test of my will ever! My brain and my body are not aligning and I'm confused about which to listen too. My head is full of what if's and what the hell's and my body is nauseated, shaky, exhausted and starving. It's hard to get yourself out of the mindset of eating, ecspecially when you work a sedentary job. I've been drinking milk or a protein shake during meal times,which helps. I'm trying to just keep the same schedule and drink as much water as I can. I'm also taking liquid vitamins which should hopefully help increase my energy level and lift the exhaustion. One of the real downfalls to this diet is having to pee a few times an hour. It's nuts. It seems like everytime I sit down to work, I have to get right back up and go to the restroom again.... ANNOYING!

I got rid of all of the food in my desk and everything at home that temps me. I'm not able to be at my house for dinner right now. I have to just run errands or go to the bookstore for some me time until dinner is over. It makes me angry that the people I live with get to eat and I can't. I'm trying to work through that cause it's a shitty feeling . 

One minute at a time, I will get through this.
 

So, my surgery is 12-14 and it feels like a lifetime away. I start my milk diet on 11-14 and am kind of counting down the days. I want to be on the milk diet because (I'm sure many people think that is a crazy satement) but it means I am that much closer to having my surgery AND I'm done with food right now. I've had a list of foods that I want to eat prior to surgery and have been eating a couple or more of them a week. I'm burnt out and sick to death of food in general. I'm tired of the hold it has on me and sick to death of the way bad food makes me feel. Thankfully, I'm still losing weight. I bought a pair of jeans this weekend that were a size smaller - felt awesome.

Fifteen dreadful days until the milk, I have zero patience!

It's dreary here in Washington and it's hard to want to stay on plan. I feel like eating comfort food, curling up on the couch and reading a good book. Ehhhhh.