colleen60
As far back as I can remember and looking through old pictures I was always overweight. I used to lie to myself and say that I was big boned, I was built like my big German grandma, at 5'8" if I weighed 150 I'd look sick, etc., etc., etc. There was always an excuse for my weight, but never any accountability that I didn't eat like "normal" people. I ate because I used food to comfort, celebrate, and every other emotion inbetween. Food was my solace and I didn't even know it. But through this journey I've come to find out that food is just a source of fuel, to keep my body nourished and healthy. My comfort and celebrations need to come from me...not food.
As the years went on, I used my weight to disquise the fact that I didn't feel worthy of good things in my life. First marriage was like living in a tornado, but I did get 2 great kids (so the hell was worth it).
I looked into WLS about 10 years ago and went to the seminar, but my insurance wouldn't cover it and I never fought or pursued it. Looking back, I think I still thought I wasn't worth it, and I used the denial as another reason to continue eating.
Even at my heaviest I was blessed to have God put my husband, Phil in my life. He loved me in spite of myself. He would never use my weight against me, even thought I know he was extremely concerned when I became pregnant with my youngest son Philip. With my other two pregnancies they developed quite normally with my weight never causing any concerns, but with Philip, high blood pressure took over, diabetes came into the picure too. I blamed all of this on the fact that I was 38 years old not that I was FAT.
After talking with some friends back in October of 2006 who had the surgery, I decided it was time to do something for me. To stop living in denial and to get back to living. I didn't want to die because of complications from my weight. So I started the research again to see what advances and differences there were from 10 years earlier (I still had all my research in a folder, so I guess somewhere, somehow I knew I'd find my way back). I went to Dr. Bour's seminar and after much thought, soul-searching, prayer, and discussion with the people in my life, I decided this was my ticket to LIVING AGAIN. Now everyone wasn't thrilled, my mom and one sister thought I should try "one-more diet" and asked if this wasn't a drastic measure, they knew people who gained their weight back, etc. I know they were just concerned, it is major surgery, but after giving them the facts and letting them know that I understood their concerns, this was something I had to do for me. Thank God, Phil was completely supportive (at least he was to my face) I'm sure he had his doubts and fears too!
I signed with Dr. Bour in November and surgery was scheduled for January 29, 2007. Everything was approved first time out, did my psych evaluation, met with the nutritionist and did the classes (where I met the most wonderful bunch of people). Did my Opti-fast prior to surgery and prepared myself mentally for my new way of living.
Surgery went fine - except for the gas in my shoulder blades, but after having 3 C-sections and my gall-bladder out, I knew the best thing to do was get up and walk. So I walked, and I walked and I walked around the halls of Hillcrest Hospital, at all hours of the day and night. I had to ask Dr. Bour if he really did the operation because I felt really good. The only thing was waiting to have my leak test - I could've eaten my lips they were soooo dry, even the barium didn't taste too bad - at least it was wet LOL. I did have a small problem with my drain. It seems that it kinda got "kinked" sortof like a dropped sewing stitch and it wasn't draining out correctly, it was just building up behind the drain. They tried to put a slit in it to have it drain correctly but that didn't work to well either, so I got my drain out a week early cuz it really wasn't doing any good the way it was in me.
I've had a few bouts of the "foamies" but when I look back to why, I see that its been my fault for not 1) either chewing well enough, 2) eating too fast or 3) eating too much. All the things that we're told NOT to do. Sometimes I forget that I had WLS and old habits crept back in. I'm much more aware of those things now, and yes sometimes I still slip but my pouch puts be right in my place.
People who know I've had the surgey, who haven't been educated are amazed that I can pretty much now eat anything I want, I just don't eat everything that's in sight.
I started this journey at 269 lbs and now 6 months later I'm at 169 with my Dr's goal of 160 - personally I'll see where and how I feel when I get there to decide if there's more to lose, but I do know that if I never lose another pound, I am a success and I have changed my life for the better. I no longer am diabetic, my blood pressure is normal, my cholesterol is normal. I did develop an ulcer, (they think from the rapid weight loss and my smoking). So that's next to go. Hurray for Chantix. I will have to take vitamins for the rest of my life, but at my age, I was taking them anyway, so I just get the ones made especially for Bariatric patients and I get in everything my body needs. I will always have to be vigilant in my eating (and why I eat) or I can slip back to old habits and patterns. I don't want to introduce myself as Hi, I'm Colleen - I'm a gastic bypass patient, I just want to be me and be as normal as I can be. Problems or issues that I had before surgery didn't go away just because I had surgery, this surgery fixed my capacity for food, not my longing or enjoyment of it. That part is in my head and that's the part that "I" have to work on - no surgeon or surgery can take that away and that can be a struggle everyday.
I wouldn't change any part of this path that I'm on. I'm where I'm at in my life for a reason, my children see a more vibrant, healthy women who is happy to be where she is, and after losing the weight, really doing things for me now. Shopping is exciting, not torture, I shop and cook healthier for the entire family, I take pride in my appearance and even though they wouldn't say it, I know they're not embarrassed by my size, my husband says I'm "hot" and "sexy". The compliments and support he shows me (and has always shown me) is reinforced daily. Life is Good.
It's funny, when my children were born, I took a picture of them monthly to see how they've grown and now my husband takes a picture of me monthly on my surgery date to see how I've lost, (I've posted these on my profile). I'm finally not ashamed to have a picure taken. LIfe sure comes full circle.
Sometimes I wish that I could've had the surgery 10 years ago, when I first thought about it, but I have no regrets that its taken me this long - I'm sure it happened for a reason, I know that there was a plan greater than mine and I'm excited to keep finding out more and more what that plan has in store for me in the future.
