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I finally had my doctors appt for my stomach and not being able to eat ANYTHING without dumping or puking.  Well after being at the doc's for 2 hours- they are not exactly sure what's wrong with me other then it doesnt sound good in my gut.  So they are running 9 tests.  If those all come back normal which I'd be surprised if they do considering I can't eat and haven't lately but otherwise then we test for celiac disease and when I went on Google this AM it sure fits all my symptoms.  What it is, is I pretty much can't do wheats, gluten, etc.  SOOOO on top of not being able to eat certain foods due to the bypass.  I'll now have more I can't eat.  I'm not saying I have it yet- but they aren't saying i don't.  I just wanna know whats wrong with me.

I'm depressed cause I can't eat, when I do I feel like shit.  I'm tired 24-7 now, I dont want to go out and do anything just cause I have no energy.  This has been going on for so long its not the stupid H1N1.  I can't be pregnant, cause seriously its impossible since my husband's chemo and surgeries.  I have a better shot at winning the loto...So I'm pretty much feeling like I am starving myself and what little I do eat comes out.  I haven't lost much more weight BUT it could be cause I'm not active...

Anyway- I'll keep all posted, this just sucks!

Well I'm down another 4 lbs.  Its coming off pretty quick.  Mainly cause I just have no appetite due to a med change.  My favorite thing right now are my hips!!  I feel them again.  The other day I was laying in bed and the dog hit them.  Felt weird cause usually there's some cushion there.  :-)

I have a physical with my doctor soon.  Mainly to see if they can figure out why pretty much everything makes me dump or sick.  So I probably wont update til then again.  :-)

Well I was doing good...Then again food is bothering me again.  I thought maybe I was sick or tired but that's not it.  I'm still experiencing "dumping" which is fine because surgery is obviously still working but I'm dumping on healthy foods too.  Its a very small menu I can choose from.  BUT I dunno what to do about it.  I'm almost tempted to go back to the diet you have after the surgery BUT that's not a fix.  I should find a doctor and see what they know...This just sucks cause I want to loose weight (the last 23 lbs) but I want it healthy not because I'm sick....So in 4 days I lost 4 pounds I think.

Well, I'm officially 5 1/2 years out.  I'm at 198 pounds.  I'm working on getting another 20 lbs off.  I had a few doctors appointments in the last few months for a few health things and during the MRI's and Xrays they said I look great, my blood work is fantastic, and all the x-rays showed everything on the inside is working and looking good.  They also said usually people this far out gain the weight again or are having problems because they didn't take vitamins.  So to be 5 years out and only gain really 10 pounds I'm beyond thrilled especially since everything looked so good.

In March I married the "boyfriend" that is mentioned in my last post.  We are a great match for each other and have been through everything together (including his diagnoses of cancer in February).  I was a size 14 in my wedding dress and it was loose my bridesmaid had to pin me up.  We kind of had a shotgun wedding so altering my dress wasn't an option.  But it was a great feeling.

I still don't see myself as the size that I am.  My co-worker said I need to quit wearing baggie clothes to work.  I guess I could agree with her but I think feeling comfortable at work.  But I know I should go down a size.  I had a shirt I wore to our local fair it was a shirt with an open back- to show off my tattoo that is a work in progress (hubby is a tattoo artist) a snotty teenager made a comment to her friend and started laughing.  For some reason it hit me and I changed shirts.  I know I shouldn't have let it bother me especially knowing this kids background but whatever.  By next year I'll be confident in it.  I hope. 

I love the fact I've been canoeing now, I enjoy riding and I'm sure my horse still appreciates the "thinner" me, I enjoy the outdoors and I find it funny when people I haven't seen in years have a hard time recognizing me. 

Would I do this surgery again?  That's a hard question- in March of 2007 my answer was hell no.  Now, I probably would but I still have my bad days where NOTHING seems to stay down- stress still triggers what stays down and what doesn't.  I still can't do sugars which is OK because that is part of why I had the surgery.  I think now it would be a tough answer.  I think whoever signs up for this surgery should know a lot about it, know that this is a tool and not a cure all.  Just because you lose the weight upfront people do gain it back by cheating the "plan".  I am lactose tolerant from this surgery, which is hard for me because I LOVE milk and cereal.  Now, cereal causes me to get sick.  Milk/creamer with my coffee gets me sick.  So that part from the surgery bothers me.  Its just not a cureall.  If you don't continue to excersize the weight has a high chance of coming back.  It is a lifechanging experience and you have to be ready...

I'll do my best to update more then every 2 years.  Its just harder now that not a lot has changed. 

I'm so sick of this surgery its not even funny.

I'm sick yet again.  We did dinner last night (boyfriend and I) and since I've been so sick.  I dont know if its surgery related or not.  Ok I lie, I know it is.  I swear it feels like food is stuck in my stomach or throat.  I can't puke (which we know I'm a pro on) and it's just stuck.  I guess I can run and get coke and see if that helps.  Which either I get sick or my sugar spikes...I can't win...

Seriously people, look into this.  I know its something I have to learn to accept but I hate it.  Its NOT what I thought at all!

I'm down to 1 can of Diet Coke a day.  IF I'm lucky.  Otherwise I'm on straight water.  Yeah kind of funny the one drink I hated more than anything I end up drinking the most of.  No other pops really work with me I mean I can drink them, but then my sugar spikes and I have a reaction...So I do none, including Diet pop.

I think almost lately its getting worse and not better.  But there's no way of really finding out.  Plus my doctor is in MN not IL.  No one around here will help me or take my case on...

I'm dating a sweetheart.  But realistically I hate being sick infront of anyone and last night...I was so flipping sick feeling.  Why the hell would he want to put up with my food issues.  I know like hell I hate doing it.  

3-4 nights ago, 3 handfuls of M&M's made me sick.  I'm really starting to think I can't have any sweets, which sucks.  Not that I had a ton to start with but something here and there is great.  

I'll remain bitter with this surgery I know I will.  Its just now learning how to accept it and start dealing with it...

Time to get back to work...

Well it’s been almost 3 years since I had the surgery.  It’s about time for an update.  I have a feeling this will be a long one. 

First of all anyone who says this is an “easy way out” I’d love to punch about 5,000 times and let them go one day in my shoes.  I’m going to tell you straight out what I think and feel about this surgery, 3 years later.  It is NOT an easy way out, yes you will get thinner but it’s an ongoing battle.

As far as my weight I’ve maintained at 185 for the last probably 2 years.  I plan on hitting the gym up again soon but overall I’m happy with my weight.  If I lose a lot more of my weight I look sick.  I’d like to tone up some.  I know I’ve let myself get out of shape so the gym will help that.  I’ve had a lot of personal issues in the last 2 years that the gym just wasn’t on the list.  I was lucky and did not have a lot of extra skin.

Though, this surgery can really help you with your health.  There’s a lot the doctor’s don’t mention or things you don’t think about until you’ve had it done.  I had the RNY.  Therefore, it’s not reversible.  I’m sorry for being honest…Well actually I’m not…I wish I had input some negative input 4 years ago. 

Here it goes:
If you were to ask me on a good day or a bad day what is my biggest regret in my life.  I’d have to say this surgery (maybe I would have done the lap band because it’s reversible). 

Why you might ask:

Since I had WLS my health has actually gone down hill…  Yes downhill.  Before the surgery I was heavy but I was actually healthier then I am now.  I found out I’m hyperglycemic.  Which means when I have too much sugar I have a really bad reaction, usually my left ear buzzes (weird I know but I’m told it’s related), I shake terribly, I feel sick but yet the way I feel I can’t explain and the only thing that can get me out of it is lots of water and time.  It’s a pain and I hate it.  After 3 years I usually know what I can and cannot have.  But there are still days that a normal food will make me sick.  Food that I could eat the day before makes me sick the next day (could be the same exact menu).  It is from the surgery, and it’s a complication I’d have to say.  I hate it!  I know going in for this surgery you take risks on what you can and cannot eat after the surgery.  But I never saw that one coming.  Never even heard of it until I talked to someone else who had WLS and sure enough…

I get sick a lot more.  Pre-WLS I was never sick EVER!  Now I swear I get the cold, flu a lot more.  I’m blaming it on the WLS. 

Stress totally kills me.  If I’m stressed I usually don’t eat.  If I do eat I get sick.  My stomach usually hurts regardless what I eat, if I eat… 

Weather changes totally hurt my scar and inside my stomach.  It’s like I can feel exactly where I was cut because it just kills!  Nothing can make this go away either.

Let’s see, I still have my good and bad food days.  I hate to say it but I battled my weight before and I feel like I’m doing the same battle just rolls reversed.  Yes, I know we are to eat healthy after surgery and if you can’t get yourself to do it prior to surgery you will NOT survive.  I can honestly say you’ll have a hard time.  I can’t eat Chinese food AT ALL, cannot eat rice, lots of bread, certain soups, pretty much anything with a lot of carbs.  There’s plenty more I just can’t think.  Some veggies/fruits make me sick.  I do not eat fast food (and that I’m thankful for), because regardless what I eat I get sick!  I could probably come up with a whole list.  It’s the most annoying thing.  Candy- never going to happen, M&M’s are about all I can eat.  Anything more I have my attack.  Now before I get emails of well you know you can’t eat candy and stuff.  I know this but if you’re the type with a sweet tooth you will have issues.  Ice Cream, Cake I know flat out I’m not going to eat it.  I stopped trying a lot of foods because I’m so sick of being sick.  I stick with my comfort food.  It sucks because even some healthy meals don’t work for me, and I’m talking tiny bites still kill me!  There are actually 2 restaurants that I cannot find one thing on the menu because it will get me sick.  I’ve gotten good and when I know I’m going to get sick or feel uneasy I know how to make myself throw up.  Disgusting but true!  Yeah I’ve become a pro at puking!  NOT something I’m proud of at all.  But it’s the only way I can make myself feel better.

Spices, yeah they do not work.  Even simple pepper usually can get me sick.  If you think I’m negative it’s because I am.  This was the biggest regret of my life.  It’s an ongoing battle just to be thin and I can’t even consider myself that.

Certain medications I can’t have because of the WLS.  Any type of pain killer (I have back problems from falling off a horse) makes me shaky.    Certain anti-depressants I can’t have because weight gain is a side effect.  Same with Birth control. 

Let’s see, I thought this would help my self-confidence…yeah wrong again!  I still see myself as a 24W chick.  I don’t believe it when men hit on me.  If I get into a relationship I wonder why they are with me?  I thought this would help my self confidence but it doesn’t.  

The other day the lady from the barn bought me a shirt set.  Size large.  Guess what I swear I thought I wouldn’t fit into it.  I did but mentally I’m still heavy.  I never think anything is going to fit me.  I hit my goal weight for jeans and actually am a size 12 in some pants.  But still don’t see it.  This is not a fix all.  I’m so sick of commercials of it…They make it look so easy its not.  

I think the only positive is I’m thinner but I’d honestly rather battle weight then food.  I hate it.  But it’s something I’m stuck with for the rest of my life.

Please do not email me treating letters, I will not respond.  If you would like to ask more questions please email me…  I wish anyone luck…I’d do it over if I could and the other lady that I know that had it done wouldn’t do it over again either.

LONG time no post I know.  I guess I'm moving on in my life.  But remember to update from time to time.  Moreless I have a couple more small things that just made my day.

I'm still maintaining my weight.  Actually I'm down 6 pounds since my move.  AKA my weight gain....  My belt, DOESNT FIT anymore.  I went to go riding yesterday and went to put my belt on.  Sure its way to big!  YAY!  Also, all my pants have now dropped almost another full size but right now a half of size.  So I have to go shopping yet again!  I'm so excited though.  I noticed my thighs and ass are getting a little more fit.  I've been at a new barn riding almost every day for the last week.  I was sore for about 2 days but it was a good sore  I know I'm burning muscle.  Plus I'm riding young horses again so I'll be working a lot more muscle. 

I found out that the barn owner had this surgery.  She's had 15 surgery's since.  All I can say after our 2 hour chat, make sure you research your surgen, hospital, etc.  I LOVE Dr Johnson and I'd suggest him to anyone.  However, she didnt look at her hospital and doctor and this is why she's having problems.  She had leakage about 3 months out.  After a month was on full meals again because he didnt do it correctly.  So after hearing from her I realized there are still risks involved.  She's still alive and thankful for that.  She's down about 120-140 lbs.  She looks great.  But has had a lot to go through...I dont want to scare anyone so I'll leave it at that. 

Her doctor did say since she's been riding horse her stomach muscle (what's left) and her side muscles are some of the strongest he's ever seen.  So she's going to get my ass into gear!  LOL!  I'm feeling good again. 

The only drawback I have is when I'm stressed my stomach hurts terribly.  I think I work myself up to much.  However, when I relax I'm okay again.  Monday I was stressing over a lot.  So I was in pain for awhile.  But when I took a breath on my lunch I was getting better when I got back.

That's my brief update.  :-)  As always I'll answer emails!

OH YEAH, the best thing.  I rode ROLLER COASTERS AGAIN!  I fit in the seat with no problem.  It was the best feeling in the world!

So, a little over a year has gone by.  Sorry I haven’t updated…It’s been very busy.  This past year I think I have had a lot of changes. 

I had my surgery March 3rd 2004…..Overall I had no complications.  I then moved March 25th or so to Michigan.  Packed up, moved my at the time 3 horses, and left my job.  Lived with my aunt for awhile and bought a house.  In the process a lot of family issues were going on.  But I had my aunt, and cousins nearby and which I grew very close to them.  I started showing again, and at least going to horse shows and fulfilling my “dream”.  I was able to help out and kind of in a sense teach my younger cousin how to show.  It was fun.  We almost won a team award for our club.  But because of our politics we came 3rd.  I also started riding for a guy who was great to me and really learned a lot from him.  I also showed someone else’s horse for the first time.  July 1st I had an endoscopic procedure.  That was easy and I started eating meat again.  Overall I was feeling great.  Looked great, and had a busy life.  Along the way I met some great people, some I’m still friends with and I’m glad I met them. 

Though when I moved, I lost friends.  Two very close friends.  One was like a sister to me and I loved her and her daughter.  She taught me a lot and yet was there for me for a lot as I hope she’d say the same about me...  The other was a sister to me in High School and though we both grew distant, we were both there for each other through a lot.  Its crazy, I really don’t talk to either one of them but they both hold a special place in my heart because they both taught me a lot and I’m thankful for their friendship growing up…  At the same point I’m very happy for the both of them.  One is getting married and fulfilling her dream of starting a family.  The other is dating or engaged (I’m not sure) to someone who I think will be good to her and her daughter.  I hope so, she deserves it.  But as crazy as it sounds, it’s sometimes hard not to think of memories of the past from time to time and smile or be glad for the friendship you once had. 

Don’t get me wrong moving now to IL was probably one of the best decisions of my life (at this time).  I’m happy, I’ve grown so incredibly close with my cousin who when we moved to MN I lost touch with.  She’s someone who I have looked up to when I was little and I again look up to her.  She is a great person.  I also became close with a cousin who I never thought in a million years I’d be able to hold a conversation as an adult.  It’s great, I’m with family again.  Though I miss my cousins and aunt in MI I know they are a short drive away.  Actually this upcoming weekend I get my cousin Paige for the weekend and I can’t wait.  She’s adorable and I miss her.

I write this only because I seriously think this past year I grew up.  I look at things differently and I value the friendships and people I’m close with.  I’ve grown in the way I look at relationships with men or with people in general.  I’m a little better on not letting people walk all over me anymore.  Every day you learn something from the past.  And I’m starting to believe that.  I go out more without worrying what others think of me, I still hold my head high, I started going out with co-workers and it’s the minor stuff I never did before because of my weight and self confidence. 

As far as where I am now?  I’m not sure on my weight, honestly, I don’t care.  I’m in size 14 jeans at American Eagle, M/L/XL tops (depending on the company).  I’m at my personal goal.  When I first started my journey one of the speakers was asked how much weight she lost and she wasn’t sure because she looks at moving forward instead of holding onto what she was.  I thought at the time it was a little crazy but now I have to agree with her.  I’m not who I was before and partially because of the surgery but because I grew up within myself.  Which I know my weight has helped me with that. 

I was dating someone who was very good at crushing my self esteem (honestly, I don’t think he even knew he was doing it), at the same point he was very good at supporting my weight loss but sometimes I think he (along with some other people) think I took the easy way out.  That is the biggest burn I think you can give someone with WLS.  My eating habits are not normal, I don’t eat normal and have to watch and battle with food every day.  Certain foods will be great one day and the next make me sick.  So please someone tell me how I took the easy way out.  Every person finds a way that works for them.  Hell I give people credit if they can do it naturally, but I couldn’t.  I’d gain it back time after time again.  This works for me, some days do I regret the surgery, YES I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.  But those are my “bad” days where food doesn’t agree with me, or everyone can go and eat something big at DQ or other Ice Cream places.  I tried teaching people what I go through when I have too much sugar, or whatever but I really decided I don’t have to prove or explain anything to anyone anymore.  I am who I am and happy with what I’ve become.  I’ve met many people who support me and don’t question my choices. 

I don’t know what else to say.  I’d still recommend this surgery to anyone, but just make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into, read up on other people’s journals, because it’s sometimes nice to hear it from another point of view.  I wish I did a little more reading on the personal note end then just the facts. 

Oh yeah, this past week I went to the doc for a work physical and this doctor had said my surgeon must have done a great job as my scar looked great and it was so tiny..  It was great news to me…  Anyway, please anyone never be afraid to ask questions.  I usually will answer them within a few days. 

Well I'm gonna probably give a book.  I have a lot of thoughts and they are going down. 

As far as my life now.  Its going great in many ways.  My house in Michigan is on the market.  That part of my life is over.  My house is very cleaned out and just about 15 boxes left.  The more I think about it Michigan was my worst mistake ever.  In all I learned and lost a lot.  Yes, I still get days I miss my ex, and still miss my horse (I sold for my ex so I was around more)....But I think those days will always come and go. 

Last weekend, I went to Michigan to help my friend move my furniture into his house.  He hasnt seen me since June (hes mentioned in earlier posts).  I walked in the door and his first words were damn, you look great, you've lost so much more weight.  I laughed.  I had a great weekend just hanging out and goofing off (squirt guns in the house, knocking down railings in his house, ya know the simple stuff). 

Its great, I have a few very close friends.  Crazy part though is they are men.  But they are the best and really look out for me.  But I can talk to them about everything.  I really came to the conclusion I'm very content with my family members whom I'm close with being my best friends.  They are who you can count on regardless what is going on.  My cousin Heather and I (who I grew up with), are so close its not even funny.  I'm with her a lot and she's my best friend.  My cousin who I didnt get along with growing up is really becoming another real close friend.  She's great...They both are...Not counting aunts who bend over backward for me, or just really show support.

I'm happy here, I've been here only 2 months and its "home".  Yes, I miss Minnesota, and Michigan sometimes but I dont think I'd ever be happy there as I am here.

As far as relationships go, HA, I've been on many dates here, I've had fun and met some great people.  I've gotten to the bitter point with men....

As far as my job goes, I'm starting soon at a local school district as a Attendance Secretary.  I'm soo excited.  Summers off, breaks off, holiday's off, etc.  Plus now with the guy going into the Cost Guard I can maybe visit this summer.  I can ride horse, go to my cousins horse shows, start Dressage (form of riding I want to get into).  I cant wait to start in the High School.

Just a few minor notes, today I got my license done and it was the first time in my life I didnt have to lie on my weight.  I was on cloud nine.  I started going to clubs to dance (since you can't drink much after having WLS), and I love it.  Feb 12th my cousin and I are going to a club.  I cant wait.  I have so much self confidence back...I barely ever think about what others are thinking when I walk in a room.  I had a massage today, something I never would have done heavy.  She also said she could tell I drink a lot of water because my skin did well with the lotion.  So I thought it was great to hear.

Wow the New Year is here, crazy isnt it?  Well the only goal I have this year is to make it better the last.  Granted I had a few great parts but mostly it was hell.

My EX boyfriend came to be the biggest prick in my life! He used me for anything he could.  I'm okay though, I've moved on and haven't been happier.  I got really depressed with him and he brought the worse of me. 

I'm down 100 lbs or so.  I honestly havent weighed myself in a long time.  I've moved to IL back in with my family.  I'm loving it out here and spending time with my family.

I'm in size 14 pants, and Med/Large tops.  But I'm tired, I'll try to get back on soon and do a better update....