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 I haven't been able to put much time into this site lately because summer school started and I am taking a horrible chemistry class with an equally horrible professor who instead of teaching likes to yell at and humiliate his students. Oh well, only 6 more weeks of it to go. Even with that, running out of zoloft for almost a week, rocking a urinary tract infection for 2 weeks, my a/c breaking at the house while i'm trying to entertain my twins as well as a neighbor kid, my husbands truck needing a new engine and transmission, and other things i like to complain about, I have not turned to food for comfort. I haven't had a fill yet and I have lost 24lbs. I miss food terribly and hate making stuff like lasagna and cheeseburger pie for my family while I am still eating tuna, soup, cottage cheese, and fat free hot dogs. I feel so good to be losing weight everyday! I love my lap band.

 I got my band Monday. This is Saturday and I have already lost 10.5lbs. I know my loss won't always go this fast, but what a rush! It makes the broth and jello worth while!. I have found that they have made great improvements in the ready made sugar free pudding. Dulce de leche and cinnamon roll, delish! I have also found a way to make my sugarfree instant breakfast shakes into a frappuccino with my cafe frappe machine. I thought I would have to abandon my frappe machine after my surgery, but by adding splenda and a smidgen of caramel syrup (the sugar free caramel syrup only saved 10 calories and had the consistency of the viactive caramel chews. Not bad for a vitamin but horrible for a frozen blended coffee.) Anyway being creative in the kitchen is always fun. My many years of dieting has taught me many culinary tricks.
School starts Monday and that will be a good distraction from eating. Summer school Chemistry- yuck! Oh well, it is a small step towards a greater goal, and anything has got to be better than Physics. Today is my 6th Anniversary. Have to find a way to celebrate it without food. It is such a wakeup call to how much my life has centered around food now that I can't eat any of it. 

I am so excited. I haven't been able to sleep very well for the past couple of days because I am so keyed up. My surgery is at 7:30 tomorrow. I have to be at the hospital at 5:30. Today is going to be the longest day ever. Ive also got to keep on track so I can get my laundry finished so I won't have that to deal with when I come back home and get things packed and set up for my twins while people watch them, and my well meaning, but domestically challenged husband takes care of them and tries to feed them and himself! Horrors! If I could be a fly on the wall watching all of that go down! Lol.
I have been reading this awesome book that I'm only halfway done with "Women, Food, and God" by Geneen Roth. It was talked about on Oprah and is getting a lot of hype and I can see why. The author has been on the same weight rollercoaster that most of us are on: gaining and then losing tons of weight. She has some great ideas of how to "fix" what is wrong in our heads first and the rest will fall into place. I've read books with this premise before, but she really seems to connect with a part of me that I didn't think a lot of people understood. She says that if we keep waiting until we are the perfect size or a certain weight to be happy that we never will, because those "until" thoughts mean that we think that we as a person are broken and flawed and a number on the scale will never fix that. We have learned how to feel damaged. Look at a newborn baby. Nobody thinks of them as flawed, and they don't think of themselves as flawed until somewhere along the way growing up they are made to feel not good enough. My journey starts tomorrow with the band, but I will also start the journey of accepting myself, or trying to, and to not feel flawed.

"Sometimes it is necessary to reteach a thing its loveliness." -Galway Kinnell

I just posted a message to the board a little while ago and had 4 quick replies with good advice. Not only that but the number of views of the message keeps climbing. If you can't tell I am new to message boarding. I'm not new to computers or technology, but all of the messaging I had considered doing in the past was on all of those social networking sites and I'm not ready to come out of my shell that much, and have people look me up that I used to know and gloat in all of the weight I have gained. I'm glad that people can view all of these messages on the board even if they don't reply because they are just so darn helpful!

I think the biggest thing I keep hearing is that the band will not fix everything for me. I know. I know that I need to find out what I am really hungry for out of life. But the band will prevent me from filling that empty spot with comforting carbs and force me to deal with what I am lacking. I've been dealing with weight struggles all of my life. I was always on some diet or another with my mom, who has never been fat. I was anorexic in high school and did the therapy and hospitalization to deal with that. I've lost weight so many times and hated every minute of dieting. I was grumpy. I would take it too far and be light headed and mess up my metabolism. I would lose weight quickly because I was so sick of being on the diet and then once the weight was off I would reward myself with eating like a "normal" person.

I am so ready for food and weight not to be the issue anymore. I want to wear clothes without elastic waistbands, that aren't all black, and that aren't falling apart because I wear them so much because I refuse to buy anymore fat clothes.

It will be different, however, not using weight as an excuse not to do things. Food has medicated me and my fat has, in a way, shielded me from doing anything out of my comfort zone. My comfort zone has become so small now too. My house, my neighbors, the grocery store, my parents house, only online classes for school.

Joining this site is a small step for me in branching out though. I have never posted a picture of myself on a website. It sounds silly, but it took me a while to decide to put the one on this page, even with all of the accepting people that are on it. Blogging is pretty catharctic too. Its like the journal that I keep putting off that I need to start because its good for getting out all of your issues. Interacting on this site is also a noneating activity that I need to start spending my time doing more of since soon snacking will not be on my list of pasttimes.

I'm feeling pretty good about my decision to join this site. And to have the surgery.

This is my first ever blog! I made my surgery date today. It seemed like this day would never get here. It's kind of scary now that the surgery is so real. It was much easier when I was griping about how long the wait is and how much insurance is requiring me to do to get approved. I have put my life on hold for too long because of my weight. I have taken too many unhealthy routes because of my excuses: I'll exercise when I don't jiggle so much; I can't stop smoking because I'll gain even more weight than I have now; I'll get a facebook page and go back to church when I'm not so embarrased of how I look; I'll run with my boys when I don't look so stupid and fat running; I'll eat healthier when I finally start my diet; What's another high calorie alcoholic beverage, I'm not watching my weight yet . . . I've been able to hide from the public because of my fat excuses and once I lose the weight, I won't be able to hide behind it anymore. I am excited and scared, but I am about to make some lifestyle and mental changes that are long overdue!