cintigirl

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Today my youngest daughter called me from North Carolina.  She was so excited because she had just finished her last exam for the semester.  She graduates from college this weekend. She is the last of my three children to finsh college this year.  One from law school and now two with bachelor's degrees.  I asked her if she wanted me to bring anything down for her.  She would ask for my homemade cookies.  I couldn't say no. So I baked her cookies.  My kitchen smelled like oatmeal, chocolate chips and  snicker doodles.  The devil finally won and I ate one cookie.  Just one, no more.  I can't believe I only ate one.  All I could think about was the cost of this surgery and making it work. I only ate one cookie and it was damn good.
   This weekend will be very intresting.  Most of my family will be meeting in Greensboro at my sister's house for my daughter's graduation.  We are expecting about 40 people.  I'm doing the desserts (turtle cheesecake, chocolate cheesecake, pumpkin cheesecake, sweet potato pies, carmel cake and coconut cake) and the ham.  I chose not to tell my family about wls.  This will be the first time I see them since this journey started.  I have decided to pack a small cooler with some of my usual good choices.  That way I can sneak outside and get what I want and now pig out on the fried, fatty, sweet foods that will be in front of me all weekend.

I just realized that I had not posted here in almost a week.    I had a busy week.  I had my last apointment for my medical retirement.  I should hear something before Xmas.  I did pretty good with my eating.  Did have to eat a piece of that damn carmel cake.  Then immediately went to the gym.  I'm going to the gym today, as soon as the UC game is over.  I have been packing my lunch everyday and not hitting the snack bar.  My  scale says I lost two pounds in the last week.  I hope the doc's scale says the same when I go back on Dec 16. 

Gotta mention my NSV.  I didn't want to post this on the lap board.  First, I found myself laughing on Tuesday when I realized I put on my underwear without having to put them on the floor and step into them.  I was actually able to just pt them on.   I know that sounds crazy, but it had been a minute since I could do that. 

Today was also shop with a cop.  I had to find my uniform that I haven't worn in two months.  I hate wearing my uniform.  I look like a giant rhino stuffed into a blue skin.  I was shocked when I went to put my pants on, they were actually too big.  I tried my shirt and it was also loose.  I noticed this, but no one else did.  It's funny, before if I lost 20 pounds every one at work would notice immediately.  But then I may have had only 30 pounds to loose,  Loosing 30 pounds isn't so visible when I have 100 to loose.  This was the first time I've worn my uniform in two years that I could breath and wasn't embarrased to be seen.  I love my band!

I had my first post-op visit today.  It went smoothly.  No complications and I am officially on soft foods.  Hooray.  I'm still not really hungry but I'm sure it's coming.  I get my first fill on December 16.  So I guess from now untill then, I'm just hard core dieting.  I hope I'm not the one to find bandstres hell.   I'm looking at this as an opportunity to show how focused and determined I am to follow through with this and get this weight off my big ass.  OMG, I just realized that I will be going home to North Carolina the weekend before my fill.  My youngest daughter will be graduating from college.  My sister  decided that she would cook and we are having an early Xmas dinner.  I made deserts ,including a sugar free pumpkin cheesecake for my diabetic mom.  I'm sure she won't  touch it.  I'm sure she's gonna go after the turtle cheesecake I made.  I also know my sister, there will be enough food to feed a hundred people.  Good, southern, country folk food.

I have still not told anyone about my band.  I haven't lied about it, I just think it is very personal.  I have lost a total of 24 pounds in one month.  I know I have never loss that much weight in a healthy way.  So I am motivated.  I noticed the pants I wore to work today wer a little loose.  It actually feels good not to feel like a stuffed sausage in my pants.  One NSV to note, my blood pressure is way down.  Today it was 117 over 46, one month ago it was 142 over 110.   

It has been one week since my life altering surgery.  I feel good and plan on going back to work tomorrow. I spent all day baking cheese cakes for my trip home next month.  They look lovely, but I will not be eating them.

 I have already packed my lunch for tomorrow.  I am so excited. I did not tell anyone about this surgery so returning to work will be intresting.  I'm going to go try on my work pants for tomorrow.

I was feeling so good that I think I pushed it to far.  I could not get anyone to cover a meeting at work last night, so I went in for a couple of hours.  I shouldn't have.  I left early and did not feel so good when I got home.  The only incision that bothers me is the one where the hernia was located.  The four other little incisions are  painless.
  What makes people think they have the right to ask you what type of surgery you had.  I'm not talking about young people.  I mean mature adults that should know better.  One of the ladies at my meeting last night picked up that I wasn't feeling so good.  So she asked if I was okay.  I told her I was fine, just trying to recover from minor outpatient surgery.  She actually asked me what kind of surgery I had.  And was somewhat miffed when I declined to tell her what type of surgery I had. 

Yesterday, my smart mouth 25 year old know it all daughter, decided that she needed to call me out.  I decided not to tell anyone about my surgery.  Especially my children who choose to share too much of my business with my ex-husband, their father.  I did not even tell my mom or several of my sisters.  No matter how much people swear to keep a secret, they often tattle.  I want this to be private until or if I ever choose to share.  I politely informed my daughter that I am her mother and expect her to respect my privacy.  She said she was upset that I would keep medical information from her.  I politely informed my daughter that she is my child and if I chose not to share something with her she needed to accept it.  Even though she is living in my house presently, I afford her privacy.  I think she must have gotten the point because then she switched gears and told me that she understood if I needed privacy but she did not understand why I would make up a lie to hide the truth.   Of course she didn't want to tell me what she was talking about.  I assured her that I had never told her a lie to cover anything and she might not know what she thinks she knows.   After much thought I remembered that I told them back in September that my eating habits were going to change.  I also told them that I had another hernia that might need repairing. (truth).  Now, since I knew I wasn't going to tell everyone about my surgery, I made a point of keeping all the literature about the surgery in my bedroom and out of sight.  I even had the doctor's office use non-letterhead envelopes if they mailed something to me.  The only way she would have any clue is if she was in my bedroom rummaging through my things.  My daughter just graduated from law school and has always been quite opinionated.  She is under the impression that since she is educated she is wiser than most.  I have often told her that sometimes you learn more from life's experiences than school.  By the way I hold several degrees as well.  It bugs me that she would go through my things to find information and then call me a liar when she gets cornered. 

   I have always been very responsible.  I raised three kids as a single mom while holding down a public position.  Not only did all three of them go to college, but two were on scholarships.  I even went back to college and got another degree when the kids were in high school.  I don't feel I owe my children explanations of my choices.
  .......officially pizzed off! 

OK, tomorrow is my big day.  I have everything ready to go.  I know this is what I need to do.  I don't want to live the next ten years miserable and hating my own body.  I know my current weight has limited me in my career as well as socially.  I can't remember the last time I went out with friend, saw a movie or even shopping.  No matter how things turn out, it would be better than presently.  I know the band is only a tool.  I plan to use my tool as directed.  I am really good at following directions.  My scale said 255 pounds this morning.  I hope my doc's scale says the same. That would be a loss of 16 lbs in two weeks.  Now that's pretty ficking awesome.  As yucky as that medifast diet was, I understand it's purpose.  It did not give me the opportunity to sabatoge my pre-op diet. 

Two of my college gradutes are back home.  They see me daily.  I don't think they know how truely miserable I am right now.  I don't think anyone does.  I'm always smiling and telling jokes.  I'm going to put it out there....anything would be better than what I have now.  So, I am going to take my sleeping meds and try to get some sleep.  November 16, 2009 is my new birthday.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

I can't believe I only have two more days until surgery.  I am all stocked on everything I should need for the next week.  I did ok on the pre-op diet.  I did stray a little.  I wanted to see what all the hoopla was about the Greek yogurt.  I found it to be quite tasty.  I added some sugar free strawberry preserve.  I think I am going to have fun playing around with this when I get to mushie stage.
I finally got my health tracker to show my weight loss.  As of Monday, I had loss nine pounds already.  I am too afraid to weigh myself again-- just in case the scale went back up.  I called my girlfriend who will be driving me on Monday.  I told her I need to be there 30 minutes earlier than I really have to.  She is notoriously late.  Not on that day she won't!!!
      At work today I got to walk door to door passing out flyers for an upcoming meeting.  I walked up on this lady raking leaves.  I didn't recognize her, but it was obvious that she knew me, and well.  It took about five minutes before I realized who she was.  She was less than half herself.  I thought maybe she had had surgery, but she did not volunteer and I did not ask.  AS I was leaving, I told her to keep doing whateve she was doing because she looked great.  She then told me she had bypass surgery.  I chose not to tell her about my upcoming surgery.  I wanted to but I just couldn't do it.  I don't know that I will ever tell.
   I have been really tired this week.  I went home from work early on Thursday.  I decided to lay down at apprx 2:30.  I slept so good that when I woke up at 6:00 I thought it was morning.  I turned the shower on before I realized there was too much traffic outside to be 6:00.  I checked th TV and realized it was evening not morning.  Maybe low carbs? 

OK, one week of the pre-op diet down.  Only one more to go.  I think I have done really well.  I hope the scale agrees with me.  I weighed this morning , #262.  Not sure how acurat that is so I'm not going to get happy until they weigh me at the doc's office.  I have stocked up on all my broths, jello and soups, Miralax, GasX and small plates.  I even bought  a majic bullet today. 

Fortunately, from reading this site, I  realize that the weeks after surgery are not going to be easy.  I'm not sure I will totally be prepared, but I will stay positive about all of this.  I have to change my habits if I plan to live 20 more years.  I have asthma, fibro,irregular heart beats, joint pain in knees, ankles and feet.  I need to fix this.  My weight is the one thing I feel I have failed at in life.  The kids are all grown (at least in age), I'm single again.  There is no reason that I can't make getting healthy my new priority.

I read something yesterday about transfering additions.  It sounding so familiar.  I believe I have an addictive behavior and have a problem doing most things in moderation.  Whether I am sewing, remodeling the house, cooking, reading, doing sudkou, gardening, drinking, gambling, working, sexing,  or dieting, exercising, I do it to excess.  I eventually get bored and move on to the next obession.  I hope my new obsession is getting healthy.  I think I will talk to my therapist about this tomorrow.!

Ok, so I took my meal supplements back to my nut today and expressed my sincere desire to be compliant with my medifast diet, and my inability to stop gagging due to the visual impact of the soups.  They were kind enough to allow me to trade unopened packages for less chunky looking meals.  I just tried one of the chocolate drinks and had no problems getting it down. I also stopped at my local GNC and picked up some protien powder and some isopure drinks for later.  Hurray for journeylite.

I must say I was suprised that I have not been hungry today.  The medifast oatmeal was tasty.  I  had problems with the chilli and soups.  They tasted OK, I had problems with them looking a lot like "previously eaten food" I spent sometime on line trying to find meal replacement shakes with the same nutritional breakdown.  One day closer to my goal.  I know I can do this.