ChunkyMama
Well let's see, I'm very new to this forum & I'm trying to figure out the ins & outs of it all- I hope I'm doing things right!
My story- gosh! Where to start!? I was on here serching for info on the LB WLS as my friend has had this and is just doing wonderful! I have since learned my insurance will not touch it- or anything to do with WLS. I cannot/will not pay out of pocket before I try my VERY HARDEST to conquer this on my own. My weight has come on gradually, but stayed about the same for around 10 years now. But "the same" is NOT healthy. I am now on BP meds (2 years now) and I am SURE my blood sugar is high a lot. I have cancer, heart attacks, diabetes & you name it , in my family history. Most have died between 47/48.
I am now 49.
Born/raised in Alaska- I was actually very skinny as a kid... so skinny they called me "toothpick"! Imagine that! LOL I was pretty sick as a little kid, with tonsil issues that nearly made me deaf! Around 5 y/o they removed those (the old doc traided a wolf hide for my tosils LOL that was Alaska in the 60's!)
I had no problem with weight until I was just about 11 years old- then I hit 100 lbs. Funny thing is- I can remember thinking I was SO GROWN UP.... okay- this is funny :) WHY I remember this I'll NEVER know! LOL But I can remember the day I found my butt... yes- my BUTT.... could sit on the POT! Without having to hold myself UP to not fall in the hole :) Is that not weird!? NOW I realize... that was my FIRST realization I was GAINING weight! Here I THOUGHT I was "growing up"... and had no idea I was actually growing OUT :(
I stayed around 130/135 through my teen years- I worked to get down to 116 when I was 16 years old- was on the Atkins diet then & was very successful! Odd thing is- I still thought I was HUGE! I was REALLY FAT! I got preggo at 17 and was 153 at the end of the pregnancy. After I delivered my dd I started battling the 130-140 thing. I married the daddy & he had me on every diet you can possibly imagine! This was in the upper 70's. (you should see HIM now! Ha! LOL) I was on the rice diet, the soup broth diet, the Atkins diet etc. I wasn't real successful at any of it & the dh was a real piss-ant! (sorry- I can't stand him) It was a REALLY BAD marriage and things got very ugly. But I was preggo again @ 19 and through it all, I delivered a stillborn at about 21 wks.
Moving back to AK w/dd, I worked very hard at my severe depression and my weight. I got myself in pretty good shape- but again, still I felt I was HUGE FAT? I stayed this way for a couple years and then got married again, had another babe & my weight was again UP- but rather than 130-140, it was now 140-150 (small fry as I see it now!) At this point my mother & another family member (2nd mom) both came down with cancer- both died within 3 mos of one another. I was preggo again & delivered 5 mos after my mom died. This was the END for me- I just BALLOONED! The depression was horrible and I ATE & ATE! My dh & I had a WONDERFUL marriage through it all- like I never dreamt possible! He adopted my child & we had 2 more. Life was GREAT in that sense- but I was so depressed as my extended family was just GONE! What was left- fell apart & is basically gone.
During this time I worked HARD at times to loose- I tried the Fen-Phen & every diet you can think of. I followed the WW plan somewhere in there as my sis lived in NH and was going- she sent me the charts/books. I lost on that fairly well.
We decided to have one more kiddo before we got "to old" & 13 years ago (today!) we had a son. Nobody could find a reason, though I took him to see everyone- he had a lot of symptoms I was concerned with, but I was over reacting & just a worrier. Turned out he was born with a congenital heart defect that had been over looked & required open heart ASAP! That was another plunge! It wasn't as thought I was LOOKING for REASON to purge... it was as though I HAD to EAT to MAKE IT! I can't really explain it? I take FULL responsibility for feeding my own fat mouth- but DEPRESSION & being OUT of CONTROL, I believe , played a huge part. Anyhow, we were now in DEEP debt! (We were self employed with NO insurance!) Dh went in & got "fixed" after that scare! We had "cheated God" and we KNEW we were lucky!
The "fix" did not work & I was preggo again less than a year later. This time, God could not be "cheated" and we were not so lucky. Born with yet another heart defect- much more severe, our son died before I could even take him home :(
The pounds packed on. I wanted to die for the longest time. I would never act on this because I loved my children with all of my heart- but life SUCKED for a very long time. Not only was the grief HARD, but my marriage has suffered GREATLY over it all. It still sends me off, to really think about the near perfection we had- and the pieces we had left after that.
Don't get me wrong- we have had GREAT JOY as well- like the birth/adoption of our dd 4 years later! I now can see that I AM blessed! But I have fought depression for most of my life. And I know FOOD is my comfort. I need desperately to find another outlet- another way to feed my soul.
I am still researching which program I want to start- WW flex plan is looking like it might be the one- I'll let ya know which one as soon as I figure it out :) I am still reading & reading this forum- every chance I get, to learn more! Today is my sons birthday & I knew it would be stupid to try starting this close to having to go out to dinner & hosting the cake & ice-cream ;)
