Chelsy
Hi, I am no different than any other person struggling with obesity. The hurt, the pain, the troubles are just too much to handle. The circle is so viscous of hurting over what you have done with your body, feeling sorry for yourself. The feeling of helplessness is so overwhelming you end up eating more just to find some sort of calmness. In that moment you don't care that you know how you are sabotaging your body, but at that very moment, you don't care because you think there is just no point. The pain is just too much, so that viscous circle continues on and on.
I want off this ride!! I have had enough of fighting with myself. Why?? Why can't I be normal like people who don't have to think twice about food. Why does food seem to be EVERYTHING in my life? Whether it's causing a problem while comforting me, or causing an inconvenience and anger of thinking about it ALL THE TIME while trying to stay on a diet, it's an interference!! Why is it ALWAYS IN MY FACE??
I'm 35 years old. Right now at 343 lbs. My highest weight was a bit over 390 lbs. My lowest weight ever as an adult was 256 lbs. That was half-way to my goal and only lasted about 6 months after extensively dieting for one year. Of course I was dieting through out my life, but because my mother made me, or I just never took it so seriously until after I got so big that I could hardly move.
I have two girls that I want to be alive for to see them grow up. I was always big since I was a little girl. As a child I gained 20 to 30 lbs every year no matter what continuously into my adult years. It was such a normal part of my life that I didn't know anything else. Never experienced a normal weight in my lifetime.
As I grew up, I looked around, took a good look at myself, and realized
I can't go on like this. I had always loved myself until I came to this harsh realization that my weight is not normal. What helped me come to that realization was at 32 I was an owner of a full Length mirror, which I had never had before. Plus the fact that I was only 32 walking with a cane blew some bells and whistles in my head. At that point, I hated myself. Wondering what? why? how? What happened? Why didn't I care before? How did I get to this point?
I knew I was always different from many people. I knew I was fat, but I never actually FELT fat. I was young and bouncy, full of life, no time to care. Now I feel the effects of being fat medically, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Excuse me for using the word fat, but I don't feel I should have to sugar-coat this harsh word by replacing it with a softer word like over-weight or pleasantly- plump. Nothing pleasant about fat anyway. It's too hard not be real about it when you do your BMI calculations and you fall under the label "Super Obese". There is no nice word for it. It is what it is...jiggly, nasty FAT!
I live in Canada, Ontario. I have done a lot of research about the Lap-Band Surgery. It's sounds like the perfect tool for a HEALTHY weight-loss. It's not covered under the Ontario Health Insurance Plan. It's $16000 the last time I looked in 2008. I don't have private insurance and don't have that kind of money to pay out. The hospital told me that the Gastric By-Pass Surgery is covered under OHIP. Now that doesn't make any sense to me. The Hospital told me Gastric By-Pass Surgery cost $42 000 that OHIP will pay for. But they won't pay for the Banding which is $26 000 cheaper? I either have to find another province in Canada where it's covered or wait for Ontario to approve this procedure.
I'm so frustrated and feel so helpless. I need a solution now.
Thanks for hearing me out,
Chelsy
