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     Over the past few days I have had copius amounts of hair slipping slowly down the drain as I shower.  I was fully aware this day may come.  I was and am totally prepared for it at this time.  That is not to say, if my hair considerably thins, I won't be screaming about the injustice.  At this time, I am actually proud of it happening.  It is another right of passage along this long arduous journey, much like the bad breath, or the saggy saddle bags.  I guess I am doing something right.  Even though I continue to gain and lose the same few pounds, I am doing this.  I am doing it right.  I should be proud.  I continue to see this as such a blessing in my life.  I couldn't say that I regret the desicion that I made a few short months back.  I am only excited about the progress of each new day. I grin each time I push away the half cup of food that I am unable to finish.  I smile as I see each new wrinkle of extra skin.  I giggle over each time my husband and I share a meal at a restaurant and we wind up taking most of it home.  My life has changed as I new it.

     As my life continues to changes so does my body.  I have dropped sizes.  I have gained bat wings that wiggle so much I am afraid I might go air bourne if I wave too hard.  Well, another body change is about to take place.  As I have watched three strands of hair here, ten strands there, fall free from my head, so I have decided it is time to cut my hair.  I have always had my hair past my shoulders.  Even a few years back when I had my hair cut in an A line fashion I kept the front below my shoulders.  I have always believed that being a bigger woman, I needed hair framing my face as it hid the fat, and double chin a little more.  I have always feared short hair, as it left me too "out" in the open.  I have been considering this for a few weeks now.  I had thought that I would wait until closer to my goal weight, but with this new development perhaps the time is now.  I am thinking of taking my hair to chin length, and having it heavily layered.  My thought is that the layers might hide some of the hair loss a little more.  I also believe that it will hide the hair growing back in, when I get there.  I have picked out the style.  The only thing now is to traipse my happy, not so big butt in and get it done.

       Life is about changes, and this journey has surely been that.

    It has been an interesting few weeks.  I have watched my weight go up and down the same five pounds over and over again.  At times it seems rather comical as I am not sure how in the world it can be up five pounds eating what I am eating and walking 3 miles at least three times a week.  I knew that the stall would eventually come.  I knew that many others have had it far sooner than I did.  I have to admit that I really want to see the scale to move in the right direction, but amazingly I am ok with where I am at.  I know that if I keep to my program it will start to come off again.  I believe my peace has come from the great Lord above.  I have prayed about this very issue nightly and sometimes even more than that.  I do not believe I would be ok with this had it not been for Him.

    All this being said I have searched the internet for ideas, encouragement, or what ever else the internet can provide, and I came across this.

"The Inevitable Stall
By Diana C.
A "stall" a few weeks out is inevitable, and here's why.
Our bodies use glycogen for short term energy storage. Glycogen is not very soluble, but it is stored in our muscles for quick energy -- one pound of glycogen requires 4 lbs of water to keep it soluble, and the average glycogen storage capacity is about 2 lbs. So, when you are not getting in enough food, your body turns first to stored glycogen, which is easy to break down for energy. And when you use up 2 lbs of glycogen, you also lose 8 lbs of water that was used to store it -- voila -- the "easy" 10 lbs that most people lose in the first week of a diet.
As you stay in caloric deficit, however, your body starts to realize that this is not a short term problem. You start mobilizing fat from your adipose tissue and burning fat for energy. But your body also realizes that fat can't be used for short bursts of energy -- like, to outrun a saber tooth tiger. So, it starts converting some of the fat into glycogen, and rebuilding the glycogen stores. And as it puts back the 2 lbs of glycogen into the muscle, 8 lbs of water has to be stored with it to keep it soluble. So, even though you might still be LOSING energy content to your body, your weight will not go down or you might even GAIN for a while as you retain water to dissolve the glycogen that is being reformed and stored."

So if you're in a stall, just keep doing what you're doing and eventually the weight loss WILL start again :)

   After finding this I began to search a little more and actually came across an article on the Mayo Clinic website that talked about the fact that people losing weight will drop rather quickly do to the glycogen being used.  (Not particularly people who have had RNY, but those trying to lose weight.)  The Mayo Clinic states...

What causes a weight-loss plateau?

The progression from initial weight loss to a weight-loss plateau follows a typical pattern. During the first few weeks of losing weight, a rapid drop is normal. In part this is because when calories from food are reduced, the body gets needed energy by releasing its stores of glycogen, a type of carbohydrate found in the muscles and liver. Glycogen holds on to water, so when glycogen is burned for energy, it also releases water, resulting in substantial weight loss that's mostly water.

A plateau occurs because your metabolism — the process of burning calories for energy — slows as you lose muscle. You burn fewer calories than you did at your heavier weight even doing the same activities. Your weight-loss efforts result in a new equilibrium with your now slower metabolism.

    I guess for me it just helps understanding the why of it.  If it is in fact true.  I have no reason to dissuade it at this time, so I choose to believe it to be true until I am told differently.  What is your thoughts?  Inquiring minds want to know.

     I have been faithfully reading posts here on OH daily.  It seems like every couple days is another post on "regain".  Regain, what a nasty word.  It is something that has worried me since deciding to have surgery.  Regain would mean failure.  Failure is what I have had happen on every diet I have done.  Tonight, I came across yet another post on someone not so far out of surgery who is not on program.  The "vets"  were sharing with her that she needed to gain control of the situation as she could potentially regain her lost weight.  One vet in particular shared her story of a 39 pound weight gain.  It made me think of how easy it could be to go back to that life, and to think of all I went through to get to where I am at. 

     I used to think this was the "easy way out".  I believed the lie that so many hear about weight loss surgery.  This is definitely not the easy way out.  Exercise does not come easy.   It is easier to say, "It is too cold to walk today."  It is not easy to make the best decisions on what to eat, or to actually eat when you are not hungry.  I still have to deal with the head hunger.  I still have my brain telling me I should be hungry when, in fact, I'm not.  I still deal with the occasional craving of chocolate, although, I now have the "foreign" cravings of salad with ranch, or cauliflower and cheese sauce as well.  It would be so easy to go back to where I was if I chose to not fight the battle on a daily basis.

     Upon further inspection of myself I realized that to be successful I need to take this one second at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, and then to one day at a time.  If I do this I can be successful for today.  Then if I follow this example tomorrow I will be successful tomorrow as well.  This is going to be a life long battle, not just a battle of a few short months.  I was reminded today by a fellow member that, " the key to success...not doing this to just take the weight off but to make it a habit forever to eat this way, those are the ones that are successful at maintenance."  I do need to make these things a "habit", exercise, eating healthy, and even confidence in myself that "I can do this".  A "habit", an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary.  It is hard to imagine exercise, healthy eating, not over eating, and not beating myself up will ever be a habit.  Maybe, someday I will get there. But for today I will remember "There, but for the grace of God, go I."

    Why is it that so many of us have an altered sense of what we truly look like as we loose the excess weight?  Just today my husband and I were talking about this.  Then tonight I get on the forum to see a post talking about body dysmorphia. Will we ever be able to look at ourselves in the mirror and see who we truly are?

      I have had a hard time seeing myself, and the changes that my body has gone through.  I look down and see the overly huge stomach, the thunder thighs, and I can turn in the mirror to see the bubble butt.  That is what I see as I look into the mirror everyday.  If I were honest,  I also see the wrinkles in my face that have just started popping up, the wrinkles on my butt, the stretch marks on my belly taking on a whole new look, and the thighs that have begun to wrinkle in a downward circle pattern.  So, I guess I would have to say that yes, I do see the changes, but my brain is not allowing me to take in the changes. 

       About a week ago my husband took a picture of me as I wanted to get my daughters opinion on a pair of glasses that I was thinking about purchasing.  When I looked at the picture I was floored over the sight that I saw in the picture.  It was a woman that had lost a ton of weight.  Her upper body was super thin.  That person had my face.  Could it really be me?  It was.  Why is it that it takes a picture to put our brains in the place to accept what we look like?

       Well, last night my husband and I went out on date night.   My husband being the weight he was had been unable to go to the movies.  Due to his weight loss we went to the movies for the first time in 15 years.  After the movies we went to Red Lobster.  We asked for a table, which has been our norm, as he has not fit into a booth for about the same amount of time.  The hostess messed up and took us to a booth.  My honey decided to give it a try.  After pulling the table my way a bit we both sat comfortably in a booth.  Another first in many years.  I decided to take a picture of him in the booth.  Once I took the picture I looked at it for several minutes.  Although I have seen his progress, and know how "thin" he is becoming, it took a picture once again to concrete it into my brain what he truly looks like.

         I guess I could accept this if it was something that I was having trouble seeing in myself, but to not see it in him.  I guess being so close it may have given me tunnel vision.  It is either that or the old cliche' that the camera adds 10 pounds is wrong.

    As I contemplate writing this blog many things come to mind.  Am I upset?  Am I hurt? Am I frustrated?  Am I jealous?  Which of these is it?  I guess if I had to choose one I would say frustrated, but in many ways it's not even that.  I can honestly say it is really not any of these.  What is it that I am "frustrated" at, you may ask.  Well, let me tell you.  A little over two months ago my husband and I undertook this journey together.  I walked into it trying to put my mind in the right place.  This isn't a race, it is the journey.  I was going to do it right, or try as hard as I could.  I had to pay for my surgery, and paying the amount I did I surely wasn't going to allow it to go to waste.

    As the days have turned into weeks and the weeks into months, I have tried very hard to stick to the program.  I have had times where I "allowed" myself to deviate from the plan.  I have ate a teaspoon of mashed potatoes here, or a corner of a tortilla chip there.  Nothing that will ruin me, and never any considerable amount has ever been consumed.  Just enough to say I have had it, and I am good.  For the most part I truly stick to the program.  Even these "allowed" deviance's that I chose to make I have always wound up criticizing myself for them, and have not eaten the amount that I was allowing myself to eat.

     Well, here we come to my situation.  I have been watching my hubby deviate from his plan over the past few weeks.  At first I let it go, thinking he's a big guy, he's still eating less, he will still lose the weight.  Then his larger portions moved on to eating things that are not on our plan, crackers, potatoes, chips.  Well, once again I had to put myself into check.  How is that any different from what I am allowing myself to do?  It is not any different in the aspect that I chose to eat a corner of a chip, but it is different when we come to quantity.  Tonight I watched in horror as I saw my husband come and sit down with his plate.  Although, it was a small plate, it was piled high.  Tonight he made breakfast dinner for him and the kids.  Sausage, bacon, eggs, and hash browns.  Ok, not so bad if he chose to eat the first three, but as I looked on his plate I saw a considerable amount of hash browns.  I know that they weren't measured, as my husband has never measured anything for as long as I could possibly remember.  From my estimation I am thinking at least a half of cup was hash browns, although, I believe that to be generous.  It scares me that he is doing this already this soon after surgery.  I have watched it get progressively worse as far as portions are concerned.  I have subtly made comments of him having an iron pouch, as he can eat virtually anything.  Me I puke with one bite too much, or one food choice gone wrong.  I fear saying anymore to him about it as I don't want him to think I am judging him.  Tonight though I was able to say one more thing.  He told me he weighed in and is up to a 41 pound loss since surgery.  Me, I am at a 31 pound loss since surgery.  We were neck and neck at our 4 week appointment.  Now we are at a 10 pound difference.  I was able to let him know it is frustrating to hear as he eats considerably more than I do.  He just laughed.

     So there it is.  I guess I am frustrated.  Maybe perhaps a little jealous.  I am so happy for him, but just wish that I could drop the way he does.  I guess I will do it my way.  Not that I have any other choice.  Slow and study.  I know my weight will come off as time goes on as long as I work the program.  Lord please help me to keep my eyes on my own progress and not his.

    I am so elated over having a gastric bypass  a few months ago.  I believe it has been the best thing for me.  It's working for me.  I am losing the weight slowly but surely.  I couldn't be more excited.  I would not say that I have had many problems.  I still occasionally throw up.  I have entertained, for a few moments, becoming a vegetarian as I find it so much easier to eat cheese, beans and nuts.  Meats are still very much a challenge for me, but I will get there soon.  I still choose to try over and over to make meat work for me.

    Here's where I come to the point of my title.  I am a little embarrassed bringing the subject up on here, but I feel it is something that we will all deal with one time or another.  For the past few weeks I have chosen to eat lots of cheese.  It goes down well.  I have taken my Benefiber regularly.  I have worked on getting in my 64 ounces of water, plus some.  Well, I am sure you can guess where this is going.  Two weeks ago I started becoming constipated.  There have been days where all was well, and then there have been days like I have had the past three days, where its all I can do not to fly off the toilet seat screaming.  I have never prayed so much in my life while sitting on the porcelain throne.  I have poured through my bariatric guide from the surgeon looking for answers.  The guides only suggestion was taking Colace every night.  Ok, that's easy.  For the past three nights I have taken the maximum number of pills, which is 3.  For  the past three days I still have suffered.  I have had pains in my side, which are not new to me, as I suffer from IBS.  I am unsuccessful in the bathroom.  On top of that the cold bug has been running havoc within our home.  Breathing alone has been a challenge, and my nose has decided to run away from home continually. 

    I have been choosing to suffer in silence.  I have chosen to believe the lie that my brain keeps telling me that this will eventually change.  It has to, right?  Well, tonight I decided I was tired of suffering.  I have been running a fever (believed to be cold related), and I just don't feel up to par.  I have had some, a little bit of success in the bathroom, but it has not been enough.  Well, I chose to call my surgeons nurse, who thank God gave us her cell number to call her after hours.  I called her and was told to continue taking my Colace from now on at night, to take Miralax from now on in the mornings, and to take a Dulcolax suppository tonight to get things moving.  Well, needless to say, the hubby and I ran to Walmart.  The suppository has been used.  I think it will take another one tomorrow night.  I just wish that I had been pro-active instead of embarrassed.  I urge each one of you who reads my blog to not allow it to go on for so long.  It's now my belief that this surgery has changed me in many more ways than I ever thought possible.  The most recent realization was those taboo subjects I was told not to share are now meant to be shared.  Farts are ok to share now as well, although I still try to run for the border before sharing those as well, but if one slips it is not the end of the world.

     Well, here I am at the end of the holiday season.  I not only survived, but I lost weight through the holidays.  When was the last time that happened?  Never...NEVER!?!  Wow, that has never happened for me.  What a change weight loss surgery has made in me.  I hosted not only Thanksgiving, but Christmas as well.  I made my traditional breakfasts on both occasions, of homemade cinnamon rolls, and never ate a bite.  I made my homemade rolls as well, and only had one nibble.  I made my traditional holiday cookies, although on a smaller scale, and never touched the cookies I shouldn't have.  I did however, make cookies for my husband and I that were sugar free and high protein.  I also stayed away from the eggnog.  I am feeling really victorious on the way I have come through the holidays.

     I guess one can say that I had a "step up" when it comes to being victorious this year.  I still have some difficulty when it comes to eating sometimes.  I don't always tolerate meats or other things.  I can't eat more than a few ounces at a time.  I am rarely ever hungry.  Despite all these things though, I do know that I still make the decision on what I eat and how much.  Ultimately it is me that is losing the weight, its not all the surgery that was preformed on me.  So in fact I am allowed to feel victorious coming through the holidays.

    I am still elated over my decision of having the surgery.  I don't regret it at all.  Even the "tossing it" after meals hasn't made me regret my decision.  Thank you God for this opportunity that you have given me.

     It's been a while since I have blogged.  I didn't realize it had been so long.  Well, I decided not only is it time to do so, but to address the common post op food issue.  "What happened to all the food?"  My relationship with food has changed.  I am told it won't be forever.  I am told we could become fast, true friends again.  For now, though, I am not sure if we have even met.  I used to love my food.  I could sit down at my favorite Chinese restaurant, which we all know always gives oversize portions, and I would shovel in every last morsel of food on my plate.  That's not even taking in to account for the fortune cookie at the end of the meal, and of course those cookies that the family doesn't eat.  Well, Ron and I went to our favorite Chinese Restaurant this week.  We knew that our tummies would not handle the quantity of food that we used to consume, so we ordered a plate between us.  We excluded the rice, and of course, the cookies right off the bat.  Lunch came, and although it was a huge plate of food, it was not what we were used to.  We set in to eating and by the time we were finished only a third of the plate had been consumed.  What happened to all the food we were able to consume just a mere two months ago.  Life has changed for the two of us, and it has been for the better.

    I have to admit, we started eating before our Dec. 4 allowed date.  Ron and I decided that a few days early wasn't too early, and we wanted so badly to eat Thanksgiving with the family.  So, how has eating been going?  Well, I must say that eating still is my heads best friend.  I still have my head telling me that this is truly what I want.  After two months of only protein shakes, Jello, sugar free popsicles, and runny cream of wheat the thought of eating was the greatest thing in life.  All that said, my best friend is not the same.  My head still believes in that relationship, but my tummy and brain have another idea.  I have days where I can eat my homemade chili and other days where that same chili causes me distress.  There are days when I can eat an egg, and other days where eggs have me running to the bathroom.  I find that sometimes I can eat a full 4 oz of food, and other times 2 oz is all I can take in.  I feel there are times when my eyebrows pierce together as I truly concentrate to take in all that I am supposed to.  I have had a few occasions in the bathroom feeling  my tummy will never stop hurting from all the tummy contractions.  I am learning that sometimes I have pouch pains that mean to stop eating, and then there are other pains that just mean that my pouch is trying to digest whatever protein I am choosing to eat.  Eating has become a learning game all over.  Gone are the days of just shoveling food in my mouth spoonful by spoonful.   As I have said, my relationship of food has temporarily changed.  I sometimes find it a chore to eat.  I sometimes feel like I couldn't put one more thing in my mouth, although it has been a while since I last ate.  I sometimes wonder when it will get better, but I am thankful for the change in my relationship with food.  I realize that had I not had this relationship change, this surgery would never work.  This is just another step in my staircase leading me to a new healthier life.  I am thankful for the step I am on.  I will be grateful as I reach the next step, but I will not forget the steps that I have already climbed.

(O.K. that is my update with food.  Here is my hubbies update as I see it.  Mind you, this is my interpretation.  This is not his words, only mine.  I find it very frustrating at his iron stomach.  I watched him have a spoonful of stuffing on Thanksgiving.  I see him eat eggs, chicken, hamburger, and seem to have no ill effects.  I am happy that he is doing so well.  I also see him drastically loosing the weight, when I seem to be in a stall.  Once again I am so happy for him; however, and that is a big however, if I hear once more that he feels my throwing up is in my head, he is going down! )

     My husband and I drove over to the coast last Monday, November 4th for our pre-op.  All was pretty uneventful during our pre-op and our visit with our surgeon.  Life was looking good as we checked into our hotel room and preceded to do our bowel preps.  Our lives were about to change for the better.  My check-in was at 6:00 the next morning, and my hubbies was at 8:30 the next morning.  Although nerves were present, excitement for the future was present as well. 

     The next morning we woke up, and drove ourselves to the hospital.  We were greeted by my step mother, and our friend as soon as we arrived.  It was a welcome surprise to us both.  Neither one of us minded going through surgery just us, but it was nice knowing that someone would be waiting as we got out of surgery.  At 6:00 the hospital staff called me back as well as many other "first cases".  We were all told due to them "fast tracking" us through to the OR. family were not welcome to come back with us.  This would be my first time of going through the lead in to surgery alone.  Once again though, I knew that it would be ok.  It did turn out fine, with one exception.  As a result of the bowel prep I was dehydrated.  The nurses had difficulty finding a vein for the IV.  On their third attempt, they decided to go for my outer wrist.  That wouldn't have been so bad other than the fact they hit a nerve.  I screamed and practically flew off the bed.  I am still having problems with my hand and fingers going numb.  The doctor today let me know to expect problems with it over the next month.  He also let me know that the typical way of dealing with this is anti-inflammatory's, which we are not allowed.

      Anyway, surgery happened at 7:30, followed by my husband at 9:30.  By 6:00 that night my husband and I were both out of bed, and bugging each other.  The next two days in the hospital were spent much the same, getting out of bed and walking the halls, sipping protein/water, and taking all our medications.  We enjoyed sharing our story with all the staff, as they all seemed to know about the husband and wife team on the third floor.  Recovery in the hospital was uneventful as well.  The swallow study for us both was good.  Pain levels were tolerable, in fact my husband was off pain meds the day after surgery.  I wasn't off until three days after.  By Thursday morning the hospital staff were preparing us for our release.

     My brother-in-law had driven up to Oregon to stay with us in our hotel until we were released to go home, which happened to be today.  Although my honey and I have been moving slow we were able to do a little site seeing as the week progressed.  We went up and visited with my step-mom who lived an hour and a half away.  By Sunday, I even felt well enough to go to the Pony Mall for a little Christmas shopping. 

     Our stay at the hotel went very very well.  The only thing I can say negatively about that is this.  We had bought pre-made protein drinks (one's we hadn't tried), thinking it would be easier.  Trying to drink them was the worst.  I have never tasted anything so disgusting in my life.  We then went to Walmart and bought another brand and flavor.  My husband was able to drink that, but once again it didn't sit well with me.  I thank God that we had brought the kits with us that the doctors office had given us.  In them were Iso pure protein waters.  Although some of the flavors didn't sit well, I was able to get some in.

     Anyway, fast forward to today.  We had our appointments, had our stitches out, and were given the all clear sign to go home.  I have never been so excited.  This had been the first time of being away from my first grandson for a week, and it was pure torture.  I am now home and loving it.  We are on 60-100 grams of protein a day.  We are also allowed four freebies daily.  They include 3 oz of any of the following...eggflower soup, Jello, pudding, broth, greek yogurt, runny cream of wheat, or sugar free popsicles. This will continue until Dec. 5 which is when we move up to soft foods which includes...eggs, refried beans, cottage cheese and fish.

      So far I am so happy of our decision, as is my husband.

      Well, here it is Sunday night November 3, 2015.  My check in is Tuesday November 5, 2013 at 6:00 am.  I have spent my day cleaning my house like a mad woman, preparing for my nephew and his wife to come and stay with my teenage kids and grand baby.  Their job is to make sure the house is still standing when we get home, and to help out with the grandson.  My hubby and I have our bags packed.  We are set to leave for the coast tomorrow at 6:00 am as we need to be at our first appointment by 11:00 am.  From what we understand we will be allowed to return home by Monday November 11th.  I am prepared for leaving, prepared for surgery at this point.  My hardest thing right now is leaving the kids.  I haven't left my kids but on very few occasions.  I know that they are "old" enough.  I know that they are "good" kids.  I know that they have "responsible" adults staying with them.  However, I also know I am having a hard time not stressing about them.  I joked around with my brother tonight, who had texted me to stop worrying about the kids and to take care of my hubby and myself, that even when my kids are 30 I will still worry about them. 

      Well, I guess I am glad that the surgery at this point is not my main concern.  It serves as something to take my mind off the surgery, and what is to come next.  That is until my step-mom called.  When she called tonight I was questioned on how much I have lost on my liquid diet and how much my husband has lost on his.  I was then presented with a comment...the comment of all comments, I bet after losing all that weight it makes you not want to have the surgery and keep losing it this way.  Uhhhh nope.  I still want it.  I am blessed that I can do it.  I am excited about the long term effects.  I am happy that I won't have to struggle as hard to get the weight down, and excited that I can concentrate then on keeping it off.  I'm sorry, but not all of us feel like continuing to struggle on a day to day basis on Weight Watchers, or other diets trying to lose and re-lose the same 10 pounds, never getting down past those 10 pounds.  I am excited to have the opportunity to be given a "tool" that can change my life for the better.  To allow me to loose the weight that I haven't been able to in the past two years of Weight Watchers.  Thank you God for giving me this opportunity.