Carly61

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Cannot believe I have my 2 year birthday this week. It really does feel like being reborn. My life is so much better now. My health is wonderful and my self esteem is back to that of a normal person. Such a difference to simply be 'regular' when we are out and about.

It was fabulous during the early months receiving attention for just looking so improved. Rode on that high for months! Next was the period of resenting people who now liked me for who they now saw. Seemed very much like they should have always liked me for who I was. Eventually, that passed. Now, it is almost humerus to have strangers smile and approach me with warmth. Didn't realize how seldom that had happened for the past many years prior to weight loss. Men even flirt with me! Having always been an outgoing person, people would respond well to me, after getting to know me; however, upon initial meeting would just blandly greet me. Now, I find the need to turn down the smiles and warmth when meeting for the first few times to avoid their perception that my friendliness means more than I intend.

Who knew my whole life would be turned around with weight loss. I had known that physically it would be. But, the changes within my personal life and interior soul also have been evolving. Someone asked me recently if it has been a good thing going through a two year struggle with diarrhea, vomiting, not being able to eat many foods for months, constipation, cold all the time, loss of hair, etc. Of course it has been worth it!!

Then, I took a bit to really analyze the answer. Yes, upon reflection, I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Nothing worth having is achieved or acquired without great effort. The reward is all the sweeter for the journey. Sometimes I see people that have lost the weight and are slowly regaining. Sometimes I see people who have gained and lost several times. In the inner most region of my soul, the fear of letting this miracle slip away is very real. Not a day goes by that weight loss and weight kept off register within me. Maybe that will start to fade when I am many more years out. I had cancer 16 years ago and never thought it would pass from my mind. However, today I very seldom think about it. Maybe this will also slip into the recesses of my brain. I still attend meetings monthly and read everything on line about this journey so as to never slide back into the black hole of obesity and diabetes.

Wednesday, on my birthday, I am going to walk 2 miles to celebrate!  Then, call 2 friends to share the date. The old gal would have planned a special meal and dessert. I loved being her, too. But, this gal is much more fun!

I am going to the conference in San Diego this weekend for the Pacific Bariatric Group. I will be modeling in the fashion show! Can you believe it? My birthday is the next week and I will be 63 years old. A young man checked my ID in the grocery store a while back and exclaimed...You ARE getting better...you look much better than this picture! Then, he started to blush and realized how that sounded. HAHA. It was music to my ears to look better than the picture and have someone think I looked better and was younger.
 
Since my surgery June 1, 2009, I have lost 175 pounds, gone from size 4X to 8, gained huge energy, gained more than 16 months of confidence since the surgery, and am off insulin and almost all medications. Those I still take have been reduced by huge amounts. Basically, who is this woman?

Sometimes it is still a shock when I go to buy clothes and find myself not in the woman's large department. Find myself completely out of Lane Bryant's security blanket. Find myself even buying new shoes, since the old ones are too big. Who knew my feet shrank??? Do I still DO THE DIET? Yes. Do I sometimes eat more than my 1/2 cup ? Sometimes....but, rarely. Exercise is a constant struggle. Don't like sweating! But, have found yoga classes, long walks, parking far from events, using stairs often, and arm weights.

So, if you are reading my blog and still on the trail to loss...just keep going. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am currently just doing my thing and dropping about a pound a week. Have been to several plastic surgeons for their opinion and prices of a total body lift process. Can be done. Is expensive. Surgery is broken into several events with long hours on the table. Cannot decide how I feel about that vs. just tucking and spanxing. Have been told from my old weight until now will account for about 20 pounds of skin/tissue. So, am about 158 minus 20 - or 138 adjusted weight.
 
My goal has been 132. So, need to continue about 6-8 weeks more and see how I feel about it all. Maybe by the first of the year, I will make up my mind. I have noticed the pulling in of some areas through the yoga and time since my big losses. Perhaps, they are right when the two year sign for plastic was suggested in my classes before surgery. Seemed so far off...now feels it could actually happen for me.

Finally! This has been a tough few months. I finally lost another 8 pounds. Have held to the same weight for just over 2 months in great frustration. Several people have said that I wouldn't be able to drop any more, having lost so much. But, the scales finally moved!!! I had surgery 13 months ago and am now down 163 pounds. Have gone from a packed 28 to a 10. My diabetes is under control with Metformin, tight dieting, and daily walking. My 62 years of age is actually looking promising...more than the past many years have been.

I attended the OH Conference in Costa Mesa in late May and had the most wonderful time. Learned lots. Saw lots. Decided to even have 'estimates' on plastic surgery. Yep, skin is wrinkling and hanging where it shouldn't. So, have had consultations at the convention with Dr. Dickinson from the ROX group and Dr. Katzen from Body by Katzen. Tomorrow, I am driving to see Dr. Agha for a consultation at his office. If any of you who read this have had experience in Southern California with plastic bariatric repairs...please send me a note. I am looking at having a Sept. date for starting. Understand a total body lift is done in two long procedures, about 3 months apart. Top half: arms, back, breasts  Bottom half: tummy, butt, thighs. At first, I would never have expected I would do it. But, am looking really good and still have to hide arms and thighs from the world. Also, the "'body holder-inners" are getting hot and would like to get normal undies.

For me, this is a miracle that I am so glad I have received. However, it is so NOT about the food. Every calorie counts. My diet is still measured in small custard cups, 3 times a day. A piece of string cheese and protein drink are my snacks.Keeping things to around 800 calories a day is tough...but, there is no way I would trade for my old life.

Write me back....I need support as I enter this second year.......................................Carly 61

I can see the goal at the end of the tunnel. The amount I had to drop was so overwhelming that I had given up. RNY surgery saved me. Down from 333 to 178. Down from size 3X (28+) to size 12-14. Off insulin and getting healthier every day. Not many people who are 62 years old can say that! I found myself along the way...good and bad parts. The same desire for grazing/snacking/carbs is there. But, the improved ability to tell myself NO is also there. Have reconnected with some old friends, made some new ones, and was very shocked to have lost some friends. Some have quit calling as often, including me for lunch,etc. Seems I was their 'special friend' and probably made them feel better about themselves with 'old me' around. I am also being cautious of friends who were not around much as I gained weight...but, now want me around lots! Guess to them I am more socially acceptable. The best friends are those who have loved me through 'thickandthin'...literally.
This weekend is a wonderful trip out with my husband's associates to a very special entertainment venue. Most have not seen me for a year. My husband is wonderful about it all and introduces me as his new Trophy Wife. He is athletic and thin. HS sweethearts we were! Well, he has loved me on the way up, several trips down with various diets from good ones to dumb crash diets. But, he worried about my diabetes, health deterioration, and my longing to travel, walk and GO. We are in a second honeymoon now. Both retired and loving the renewed life in the wife!
I have signed up for the OH conference in Orange County, CA the end of May. Will be a great way to celebrate my one year birthday, which is June 1. Hope I see some of you there...come see me, OK? Carly61

Never thought I would see the underside of 200. This has been a miracle for me...why did I wait so long? Must have been the way it was intended. Needed time to settle into the commitment of smaller eating. Needed to understand that this is NOT a DIET. It is a new lifestyle.
We went to San Diego for some sun and relaxation this weekend. We went to an old favorite for Mexican food the first night and I ate a mini tostada of beans...actually, half of it. Ate oatmeal, banana and pineapple at the hotel for breakfasts both days. The other night had a cup of Gumbo. Could only eat half of it. WOW. It simply isn't about the food for entertainment.
We walked and walked. All along the ocean, all around the village/shopping, all around the city. Loved it all. Was a celebration of being under 200 and a reaffirmation that I have made the right decision. Am feeling so content within myself and accepting of the new lifestyle.
It never is easy for me, however. I missed the flavors, wonderful indulgences of ice-cream and Margaritas. But, I held firm and came home feeling good. Also, had an eye appointment to check my retinas...which have had many, many zappings with lasers to stop the diabetic bleeding. They have been stable since surgery and continue to be stable...Wonderful News. So, as I am approaching nine months, I am down 135 pounds and ten sizes. Down from size 26 to 16. I continue attending monthly group, doing daily devotions, walking my 'butt' off, talking to good friends and my sister for support, and having a good husband there for me. Will do blood work this week for my nine month check in a few weeks...can't think of a negative today. Bye......Thinner Carly

I am down 120 pounds in 6 months! Just returned from Thanksgiving on the opposite coast and had some amazing times. First, I could walk from gate to gate and didn't need an extender seat belt. Second, my son almost fell over when he saw me. Third, I was able to take wonderful, long walks every day and even play with my grandchild in the swings/slides area of the park. Must be the first Thanksgiving in history that I actually lost weight and it was just not about the food.
Having said all the positives, the negatives still exist. I am so insecure about weight returning and often question if I am smaller. My body image is one of a heavy person. Strange thing is that when I was my heaviest, I never related to that weight and always felt cuter, sexier and slimmer. I felt chubby at 333 pounds!! Now, at 212 pounds I feel fat and ugly. Only thing I can relate to is that it must be my constant thinking about my weight that makes me concentrate on my fat...before, I tried to just see myself from the neck up and would refuse to think about weight much at all.
Food is still something I do not enjoy since surgery. It is something I have to do. I went through the watching every food show, reading every recipe, and a fascination with all things food. Now, a more normal food observing is taking place. I just let it run its course and didn't eat 'wrong' things during this process. Don't really understand it...just something I needed to go through, I guess. Sort of a 'death' within my former self. The mourning is over for food and emotionally I am becoming a new person, too.
I don't run around all excited about every new event now. Life is settling down into a normal pattern. I love buying new pants once a month. I pick up a pair of sweats and pair of Lee denims once a month. Donate a couple of bags to charity. Try a restaurant or two. Do a challenging physical task that used to be almost impossible. Read daily devotions from the Overeater Anonymous book before bed. AND, recognize the second chance I have been given.
I am off most pills, take no insulin, and have so much more pep. It has definitely been worth it. Six months and 120 pounds down! Am past my half way mark and looking at being under 200 by New Year's Day. My goal is 140# and am on my way. Now, if I can just believe it.

I am four months out and have lost 92 pounds. Started at 333 and weighed 241 yesterday. I am getting around so much better and off insulin. Still take a few pills and am on pills for diabetes. But, what a change. My blood sugars run 120-140 and no highs or lows to affect me or my mind! Walked all over Lego-land on Sunday with all my grandchildren and had fun! Didn't even need to skip seat belted rides or bars that drop and hold you inside. I fit in rides!

My food intake is still pretty small and just stick with that most days. Yogurt for breakfast. Cottage cheese for lunch. Protein Shake for dinner. Cheese stick if I am hungry any other time of the day. Don't care about meat any more. Make soup myself from assorted vegetables and chicken stock about twice a week. Once a week have an egg. Decided to try not to eat Fat and Flour or Salt and Sugar. I call them the FFSS. Seems my addictive self rises to bread the fastest and cookies next in line. Fortunately, cookies give me the runs! So, came up with this little FFSS rule for myself.

Have also started attending meetings regularly. I need to hear the stories and support. Also, helps me with questions and things I'm not sure about. Am using nightly devotions from an Over eater's Anonymous Daily Devotions book I found in a drawer. Ironic how often the devotion of the day hits home.

I am still scared to death the weight loss will stop and like a mirage...disappear before my eyes...leaving me back where I was or worse. Don't know if I really will ever feel confident and successful at weight loss. But, I keep on trying. I will be 62 tomorrow and last year just hoped for under 250. So, have surpassed that goal. Want to be below 200 by the new year ...work yet to be done in the next 3 months and lots of cookies to avoid!!

I am just over 3 months and have lost 75 pounds. I can walk farther, do more work, and have tossed clothes out four times! Am down to a weight I have not been down to in years. I started at 333 on June 1 and now, Sept. 9 am 258. But, I am scared to death the weight will come back. I am still just eating about 3 T. of hot cereal for breakfast, protein drink for lunch, and 3-4 T. of meat/veg for dinner. No snacks. I am walking; but, not anything else. Am so afraid if I do anything differently, the weight will stop.  I've lost many times and it finds its way back in a heart beat.

Today, I called Curves to check out the prices and will go over tomorrow to preview the place. They have a one week free plan, so plan to take that offer. My husband and I booked Thanksgiving back in New England to see our son and his family. I am anxious about flying ... but, am also eager to see if flying is an easier thing for me. Maybe no help from gates or seatbelt extenders!

My birthday is next month and I feel younger than I have in years. But, the old fears keep me waking in the night and having a dread washing over me. I wonder if it will ever go away.

I know, it was supposed to be a one week check-up; but, I had to cancel my appointment last week due to a bad case of gout. I have had chronic gout for several years and used to take a pill a day to control it. However, since I have my new tummy, the pill was eliminated. Opps................. well, I am back on the daily pill to keep it down. For those of you who have no relationship with gout....LUCKY YOU. It is uric acid built up in the joints, mostly the foot. It feels like walking of cut glass and is just awful.

Anyway, I hung in there and only had to stop walking for a week. Was 305 at the weigh-in. I was 333 for my meeting prior to surgery and 325 the day of surgery. (I worked hard to drop a few the two weeks prior to surgery) So, I am pleased with 20 pounds down since surgery with all I had been going through.

I am back up, on my feet, and walking twice a day for 15 minutes each. Hope to get my mojo back and walk faster soon. He started me on soft food. First thing was cottage cheese. It was great and stayed down fine. Second day, tried soft scrambled egg and dumped the rest of the afternoon. Not a pleasant experience as it was my first time to throw-up since surgery. Third day, tried yogurt and it was great and stayed down, too. So, guess eggs will have to wait awhile.

My blood sugars are better each day and I have not had to use insulin for the past two weeks. What a blessing not to do shots. I do check twice a day, though. I have gone from a dozen prescription pills to four and from four shots a day to none. Makes it all worthwhle.

Yesterday I had my pre-op, so nothing is left to do....except the twenty-four hour prep work...until Surgery Day~ I am excited and scared at the same time. I lost about 8 pounds this last month, so hope it helps with the surgery. It is a big step that I am eager to get under way.  Seems like a whole new world is awaiting me and it holds promise. Just hope that includes more mobility. Getting around is difficult and I just hate not being able to make my body do what my mind wants to do. I don't use crutches, canes or wheelchairs...except in airports! But, the walking can be painful and even afterwards my knees hurt. Oh, my friends are so good to me and are praying for my health to return. My husband is supportive, but very private, so it is sometimes a challenge not to feel he is ashamed of me. I want to spend the next few decades in better shape than the past few have been.