Colleen A.
When I started my journey in the Weight Wise Clinic I was over 400 lbs and I've eaten everything that made me this way.
In a world where so often “bigger is better” I feel like an abnormality. For as long as I can remember I've been always been the fat girl. Being the largest person in the room is no surprise to me.
I used to see myself as skinny compared to others that are fat. Over four years ago I had an epiphany – I am walking around in a fat person's body believing that I am really a skinny person. I saw myself relatively skinny compared to other people... I was in major denial! That was when I asked to be referred to the WW Clinic, I have to change the way that I had dealt with being fat... I could no longer deny that I am fat.
A fat person is an addict... my favourite drug is food and food is necessary for survival. It's also been killing me... A long, slow death of mind, body and soul.
I am in the worst physical shape of my life. Though I've tried to find other reasons why I experience pain and suffering in my body, if I am truly honest with myself I can honestly say that most of them are a result of the excess weight.
When people look at me I am certain that on of the first things that goes through their minds is “how could she let herself get like that?” Even as a ten year-old I can remember kids say “you're fat.” From a early age I had been labelled as my size.
Although I am a remarkable person with many wonderful qualities, the thing that stands out is my weakest area, my weight. Everyone has a weakness, but when you're fat, it can't be hidden. This has had a deeply wounding effect on my psyche.
Physically I am not attractive at 400+ lbs. Sure I have a pretty face, but my body is unhealthy. I have been fortunate to have the opportunity to meet a multitude of people in my life. Many people do value what's on the inside. Despite this I honestly can say that it is difficult to make good friends and get to know people when you are fat. I believe that my appearance posses a barrier, as other people do not always want to get to know the fat girl.
I don't want to be unhealthy but I am. Through this journey I have had days that it has been emotionally exhausting knowing and being constantly reminded of how unhealthy I am. To know that I have little energy to do things in my life; work, socializing, family, interests. I have gotten frustrated that I can't accomplish all that I want to get done and I have gotten mad at myself because it takes a lot of effort to motivate myself.
Some days I'd like to be invisible. There have been days I don't feel like leaving my home and am disgusted with myself when I lack the ambition to keep my house clean. The more I feel the inside of the house is a mess, the more I obsess about maintaining the outside, maintaining the image that everything is fine, trying to be normal, trying to discourage the thought that because I am fat, I must also be lazy and dirty.
Some days I have wished I could just sleep the day away instead of dealing with my life.
I fell in love with food long time ago. It never disappoints me, it always tastes good. Because of food, I've never really had to deal with strong emotions because eating numbs my mind and calms my body. I can literally 'stuff' my feelings back inside myself, 'eating' them until they disappear.
I've escaped from feeling things deeply because of my intense relationship with food. This is a coping mechanism that worked every time I needed it. It has also facilitated my weight gain. This going to be a difficult thing for me to deal with on this weight loss journey... what will replace food?
I am a pretty outgoing person. I have this fantasy that as a skinny person I will be very active and participate in a variety of physical activities – dancing, skating, skiing, etc. I will participate in these things not to lose weight, but because physical activity feels good and fun! Right now physical activity does not feel good or fun, but I know that I can achieve my dreams.
I think what was so hard about the realizations that I made with help of the WW Clinic is the vastness of the impact of being fat had on my emotions and consequently my spirit.
BUT... along the way, with help of the WW Clinic, Lesa teaching me Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and especially the support of some wonderful, strong and patience friends (Thanks Kathleen, Sarah, Tracy and Roxanne), I have found a balance in my life, discovered all the tools I need to success in conquering my 'addiction' to food and learnt that there's more to life then food.
How we think, affects how we feel and how we act... right girls?
