BossyB

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I have the first step to having weight loss surgery coming up (the seminar with my surgeon/the practice that he works in) and during this time I've been working on "getting my mind right". I know that the cause of me getting to the point of morbid obesity started with what goes on in my head and me getting to my goal weight and staying there will be because of what goes on in my head also so I figured now is an excellent time to get started. Wise man Dr.Phil always says "You can't change what you don't acknowledge." So here goes. 

My name is Brittney and I'm a food addict. 

According to handy dandy Wikipedia, "Addiction is the continued use of a mood altering substance or behavior despite adverse dependency consequences, or a neurological impairment leading to such behaviors." That is definitely what's been going on here. I'm a nurse as well as an avid reader and huge fan of constantly expanding your mind and conducting your own research so I'm fully aware of the health implications of being overweight and not taking part in regular physical activity....but I continue to eat. I consider myself an intelligent individual and I also know that there isn't a food on the planet that's worth dying for...but I continue to eat. Every single day I experience the physical implications of my over consumption of food...but I continue to eat. Why? I would start to say that I eat for a multitude of reasons but when I really contemplate the list I realize it all boils down to two things: not wanting to deal with my thoughts and feelings and not feeling like I'm worth the time, effort, and energy to take better care of myself. I've been using food to cope...to hide...

This sad road of blatant disregard for the protection and maintenance of my temple ends now...and I recognize that I need help. This is why I've chosen a surgical group that also has an on staff counselor, dietitian, personal trainer, and monthly support groups. I'm also glad to have websites like Obesity Help where I can go to put my thoughts and feelings down and also read the stories of countless others who are walking this road with me and see that I'm not alone on this journey. I understand that WLS is not going to make the problem go away but what I'm shooting for is help. If this sounds desperate...it is. I've been willing to do and try everything to get this weight off (mentally and physically) and I'm ready to take the next step. Now I'm going to have all engines firing at once, dealing with the emotional/psychological aspect of things while also doing what's physically necessary to get my body back to healthy. 

I've frequently felt afraid of the feelings that I know are going to come up when I stop using food as my emotional crutch but right now all I feel is excitement about the possibilities of the future when I stop holding myself back. I'm excited to peel back the layers. I'm excited to go where I've never been before. I'm excited to get to know me. 

I can't help but look on Facebook and watch my friends lose New Years pounds. I definitely used to be part of that crowd. I've been on Atkins, South Beach, Nutrisystem, Jenny Craig, The Fat Smashers Diet, The Sacred Heart Diet, Slim-Fast, and Weight Watchers...just to mention some big name plans and somehow still am the weight I am today. I previously thought of myself as some sort of weight loss expert. I had even studied to be a personal trainer at one point. In the course of my life up to this point I've lost a lot of weight...probably hundreds of pounds if you add it up....all gained back. Back and forth goes my relationship with the scale. I'm just tired of it...next time I do something I want it to be for real. I've done all these diets, drinks, pills, and potions and all it's done is cause me problems and add to the notches on my dieter belt. I always considered myself such a fighter...such a strong person...and I'm getting to the point of defeat. I mean, how strong am I if I can't even turn down a box of Krispy Kremes? There are addictions people can somewhat hide...and then there's obesity. Everyone can see I have a problem without me even talking about it...and all I feel is shame. I alternate between kicking myself in the pants and saying I shouldn't sit here and feel sorry for myself and wallowing. I'm going to pray for the strength to deal with those that say I shouldn't have this surgery and that I can do it "on my own". I pray for peace within myself and I thank God I have my family's support. Until next time...

As I conduct research on weight loss surgery I can't help but reflect on what all has led me in this direction. I've always been classified as overweight, although in younger years definitely not to the degree I am now. I was always a little "thick" but while I was pregnant with my daughter thick turned into obese...and with that weight came health concerns. With each diet I've been on, when the dieting period is over I regain the weight I've lost and then some. I'm just so tired of all the yo-yoing. I'm tired of getting so excited about getting the weight off once and for all, finally meeting my goals, only to let myself down over and over again. I read about whether I need to pray more, seek psychiatric help, or if food is an addiction that will always be with me. I had never thought of myself as addicted to food but as I'm 100 lbs overweight I'm beginning to accept this as a possibility. I've prayed for help...for something to happen that will point me in the right direction...then my mom had weight loss surgery. I went with her to her first informational meeting and have been there for her through each step of the process and through it grew to trust and respect her surgeon and grow comfortable with his office staff and the hospital he performs surgery at. Due to my mom and I being so incredibly close and me getting to see the good and the bad of this operation I can't begin to pretend like I think this surgery will be the answer to all of my problems but I do think it could be the help that I need. With the surgery, plus support groups, coming in to my surgeons office when I'm having difficulty and need more guidance, and the growing wealth of knowledge and support online, together I feel will be what I need to achieve sustainable weight loss for the rest of my life. It's just hard doing the back and forth in my head...in some moments feeling like this is a decision I should be proud of, to take control of my health and my life by having weight loss surgery and in other moments feeling like I'm a failure to even get to this point...like I should be able to lose this weight and get it together "on my own". Maybe everybody goes through this.... I'm just so grateful for websites like this where I can see that I'm not alone in my thoughts and feelings.