Beth L.

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Not that anyone has probably noticed (there are so many of us on this site - hard to keep tabs on everyone), but I haven't been on here in a long time. In fact, my last post was in August! Damn, that really is a long time. Lots and lots has happened since then.

On September 27th, I had my RNY surgery at Community South in Indianapolis. My surgeon was Dr. Steven Clark. I remember being so extremely nervous and a touch impatient in the surgery waiting area. When I finally did go back and get into the lovely hopsital gown, the fear crept in 100%. The surgeon's assistant (Julie) came in to help calm my nerves and go over any last minute details. I was given something to prep me for surgery and calm my nerves. Whatever it was, it helped. I don't remember saying bye to my mom or boyfriend. I remember getting into the surgery room and onto the bed. Once I got on the bed I said something (or possibly just thought about) my son. Regardless of my thoughts being out loud or just in my head, I started crying. One of the medical staff told me everything was going to be fine and rubbed my arm.The next time I was awake, I was in my room. My mom was getting ready to leave and my son and boyfriend were there.

I was sore and groggy, but so glad that I made it through and was alive. Oh yeah, I was freaked out about dying on the table. But who isn't when it comes to major surgery?

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Ok, when I sat down to write this tonight, I didn't realize how much ground I had to cover. Myh ass is sore from sitting here from so long. I'll work on this later.

I was stressed/upset about something when I got home and I actually felt justified to eat something bad for me. I now feel horrible because of it. As I was pouring out some Cheez-It crackers I was thinking I shouldn't be eating this. At the same time I was telling myself I better do it now and enjoy it because after September 17th I won't have this option?

How much sense does that make?!?!

Fug!!

I've been to counseling for addictive/compulsive eating and know I'm an emotional eater. I have a (rather lame) book on emtional eating and can't get through it. It is way too preachy.

I did buy a copy of The Beck Diet and have yet to read it.

My surgery is less than a month away and I've scared myself even more. What the hell am I going to do when I'm upset or stressed after surgery??

Yes, i know the list: go for a walk, do something for myself, exercise, do laundry., etc. I have a list of 100 things to do instead of eating but this evening I couldn't give a flip about any of those things. I was tired from exercising and wanted a damn bowl of crackers.

I HAVE TO get a grip on this. I CANNOT eat my emotions. I WILL use my surgery as a tool to a healthier life.

If it takes muttering to myself about not eating something, then I'm all for looking like a crazy person from time to time. I do know not to beat myself up for these feelings - that will only make the pain worse.

I can't take it back now, but I hope I can learn from it.

This is a rant. So if you're not in the mood for a negative read, please skip this blog.

I posted on one of the forums that I got my surgery date today. I honestly thought I would get some postive feedback like I see so often on here. It's something I do when I see someone has shared a positive post. I'm truly happy for them.

So far (7 hours later) I haven't gotten any replies. Did I expect a ton of replies or a "hot" tag next to my post? No. I did expect one or two "congratulations" though.

Now I find myself asking why I even bother with this site. It's a community for WLS folks to share and I enjoy reading as much as I can about those who have traveled this path before me. I like sharing the excitement that others are feeling. I am sympathetic to those who need someone to just listen. So yeah, I do expect something in return when i do the same thing by posting on here.

I'm sure this blog will not win me any brownie points with anyone but I wanted to get this off my chest.

...that's all I had to say.

I'm done with the required visits the hospital has for patients and they should be submitting to insurance this week. I'm very excited, but on the other hand extremely nervous. I have more questions for the surgeon, but do feel like RNY is the best choice for me. I keep reading about how folks with the sleeve have more luck with a variety of foods and that sounds so appealing. Then I read blogs or posts about sleeve patients who run into trouble because they are still able to eat a wide(r) variety of foods. Maybe I shouldn't have that type of temptation, ya know?

The original reason why I said yes to RNY was because the surgeon's assistant said if you're prone to acid reflux, the sleeve is probably not a good choice. I've had reflux issues twice since I started the program in May. That got me to thinking (coupled with the opportunity to eat foods I would dump with having RNY) that the sleeve might be OK.

Today, as if my body knew I was going back and forth, I had reflux. I had way too many carbs and I was in some pain after lunch. Clear sign to me that I should stick with the RNY - I'm very susceptible to reflux.

So anyway I hope to hear from someone from the center soon about the request being sent to insurance. I had to wait for the report from the psychologist and they would be ready to roll. I was told approval varies from a few days to a few weeks. Once I am sure that they have submitted, I'll be calling the insurance company to check the status.

I have no idea what life will be like at a healthy weight, but I'm excited to find out.

I haven't written on here in a while...I'm not much of a blogger. However, I was doing a really good job at using the food tracker/journal and being aware of what I was putting in my body. This past weekend has really gotten me out of my routine. I know I need to get a better handle on this because when I have the surgery holidays will come and go and I'll still be restricted on what I eat and how I eat. There won't be the excuse of "it's a holiday - go ahead and indulge" because the consequences of those actions are not worth it.

I really want this surgery to work. I desperately want to change my habits and ways of thinking. I know for me it'll take baby steps to get to the goal of getting surgery. I didn't realize it until just now, but I am very glad my insurance requires the 6 month SWL. I need that time to prepare for life after surgery.

I decided to not go with St. Francis for my surgery too. When I had first looked into WLS, I contacted two hospitals in my area that are covered by my insurance. I got sick the morning of my informational session at one hospital and just went to one session at the other hospital. The information session was more like - OK, you're with us now - here's what you do.

I wasn't happy with that approach. I was even more upset when I realized they didn't have a SWL program that combined monthly sessions with a dietitian and a psychiatrist (the hospital I am now going forward with does offer this). They told me to just see my family doctor for the SWL.

Hello? If I am in the position of needing surgery to fight obesity, don't you think it's more than changing my eating habits that will need to be changed? The way I THINK about food has to change - that won't be done by "following a diabetic diet and exercising  more" (this is the ONLY advice my family doctor gave me regarding the SWL).

So, couple that experience with the holiday weekend and I can see why I haven't been as devoted to this as I should be. I am still making better food choices than I was a month ago, but I need to be doing more. This week has felt like I've just half-assed it. I'm not going to go into the weekend and the bad choices I made then. :(

I'm going to keep trying. WLS is what I want and making the changes I know that need to be made is the only that it's going to happen.

Oh my...when looking at the member search feature on  here, I saw the breakdown of BMIs to search by. I used to be upset when I was first categorized by "morbidly obese" but now, on this site, I am categorized as "super obese".

Wow. How flattering.

I should make a positive spin on this, I guess. Like maybe I could be a superhero...

It's a bird...(birds are much larger than that)
It's a plane...(maybe a jumbo jet)

No, it's SUPER OBESE WOMAN!

Awesome.

I stumbled upon this website by researching what the restrictions are after gastric bypass. I'm admittedly very nervous about the procedure and I'm not even approved yet. I had my psych eval yesterday and that has triggered a lot of the nervous feelings I have now. Will I be able to handle all of the restrictions? My thinking right now is no. If I was a master at following restrictions, I wouldn't be in the position I'm in now - morbidly obese. It seems so easy on paper, but it into practice is going to be so difficult. I need to find the motivation to say, yes, I will be able to change my life the way I have to in order to make this surgery work for me.

I'm starting with small changes right now.

No soda.
Eating less.
Eating when hungry.
Making better food choices.

I'm trying not to obsess about food. I think that's the hardest part. Food is such a comfort for me - that is going to be the  hardest habit to break.

I guess I'm on the right path as I'm at least 6 months out from my surgery. I go to see my family doctor next week to start the doctor-supervised diet that my insurance requires.

I'll keep writing on here and using a food journal. I know the steps I need to take - it's just sticking to those steps that will be the real challenge.