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yesterday went well. i didn't eat at all outside of the designated times. i walked my dogs for an hour, 2.6 miles. now every time i go to take them out to pee annabelle puts her front feet on the wall and stares at her harness. it's a little sad and very cute. i guess that means that she enjoyed her walk. even sadder is that the walk kicked my ass. so tonight i'm going to try things a little different. when i get home i'm going to walk them for half an hour. then at around 7pm i'll walk them for another half an hour. i think it'll work because i have to take them out at those times any way so that they can pee. so i might as well just extend the time and walk for a mile or so.

6.6 DOWN  - 19.4 TO GO

from now until an undetermined date this will be my life. one could hope that other more exciting things would be inserted in the spaces. how ever knowing me and my non existent social schedule i find that highly unlikely. for a while at least. i need a schedule. and so this will be it. days off, days at work, they will all go just like this....   9am breakfast/vitamin   10am tidy the apartment.    12pm lunch   6pm dinner   7pm walk doggies for 30-60 minutes   there will be no snacks. i will walk my dogs.   what do other socially inept people with no friends and no money do in their spare time? i should read but for a girl that's constantly tired all that does is put me to sleep. tv and movies don't really hold my attention. video games either. maybe i need to go back on anti depressants. i don't feel sad for the most part. but i don't really enjoy anything either, so maybe i am.   i signed up for overtime next week. i work friday. so i only get one day off. i need to pay off my bills and stop spending frivolously. i need to find things to do with my time other than sit on line and buy things i can't afford. maybe the doggie walking will help with that. i have craft projects. i need to clean my apartment. really really clean. deep clean.   i want tattoos. i want an old school rose on my left inner forearm and the">http://www.uni-sw.gwdg.de/~panders/Images/AstroImages/03_CatEyeNebula.jpg">the cat's eye nebula on my right inner forearm. as well as others but those are at the top of my list. i should save money for those. i want several piercing. mostly in my ears. if i didn't keep chickening out i could do 4 of them myself.   i need to kick my caffeine habit. oh, that reminds me. i need to take my multi vitamin. i'm going to go add that to my schedule.

so on the advisement of another member here i tried to make appointments to have a colonoscopy and a mammogram. i was told by the other member that it's required and that i should try to get the appointments ASAP. they couldn't make the mammogram appointment because i'm only 28 and there was nothing available. and the colonoscopy couldn't be scheduled just yet either because they have to send a message to my pcp (i think) for some reason or another. then maybe monday or tuesday some one will call me back about it. i guess i should have done this sooner. but technically i haven't been told by any doctor that i need these things, just by a book and an internet personality. so i don't know if i'll even get an appointment or if they'll say it's not necessary yet. or maybe they'll go ahead with it since my orientation is on tuesday anyway. i guess we'll find out soon enough. 

i'm just really concerned with making this go as quickly as possible. the general feeling around work is that the center will be closing well before the initially promised 2009. after the closure i'll only have medical for another two months. so i really need this to move along at a steady pace.

i've been reading this wls for dummies book. i'm excited and terrified. i'm positive that this is the best choice for me. but i'm still afraid that even with 3/4 of my stomach gone i'll fuck it up. that i'll screw up my last chance. or even worse that i won't even get that last chance. that maybe i won't have the right answers for the shrink and i'll be denied or delayed. that it takes 6 months to a year to get the surgery after being approved for the program and that i've only got a year tops left with aaa before we all get laid off. with the hours that we're open being cut i'm starting to actually fear that we won't make it to 2009 as promised. it seams like cutting the hours of opperation may be the fist step towards closure. that i'll lose my medical coverage before i get the surgery. that if i don't get the surgery in time, that once i get a new job and new medical that i'll have to go through the entire process over again. if i am able to get it before i am laid off i'm afraid about getting the time off work that i'll need for recovery. or more accurately getting the time off paid. if i don't call out or take any vacation next year and if the time i take can counts as medical leave (it seams like it should) then i'll have 5 weeks. which i think should be enough. 2 weeks vacation, 2 weeks sick pay, 1 week additional sick time. i'm afraid of not having anything. i have no friends nothing to occupy myself when i can't eat for comfort. afraid of regret. even if it's just temporary. i'm afraid of the pain. i'm afraid of anestisia. of anticipation, of anxiety. i'm afraid of not having any where to stay after the surgery. i could stay with my mom but the only bed in the house is very tall and i have trouble getting in to it while not in pain. i can't imagine having to do it with my guts sewn up. plus she has 3 large unruly dogs. i have visions of them trampling my stomach. i could stay home but I'd be alone. and i also have two unruly dogs. granted they are much smaller. i was thinking maybe my mom could come stay at my place for a couple days. but i don't know. afraid of loose skin. afraid of not being abel to afford plastic surgery. afraid of looking older. i guess i shouldn't be stressing about this yet. i haven't even gone to the orientation.

oh, i'm pre diabetic. which is obviously not good. but i'm hoping that it'll help my approval. i was told by some one on obesityhelp.com that i'll need to have a mamogram and a colonoscopy. that i should set up the appointments soon to avoid the rush. i haven't becuase i haven't heard from a doctor that i will need those tests. and why have my anul probed if i don't have to right? btu the wls for dummies book also says that i'll need at least the colonoscopy so i guess i should call to make the appointments. i can always cancel if it turns out to be unnecessary.

3 weeks until my introduction class. i feel like i should be doing something in the mean time. something to help things keep moving forward. but i really don't have any idea what i can do until after the class. i've asked some people what will be required of me so that i could try to get things done and together. thing is every one has a dfferant version of how things go. even with in the same insurance programs. and honestly i would prefer not to go have test that ore potentialy emberasing and or uncomfortable when they end up not being necessary. so i guess i wait. i don't even want to try to lose any wight becuse i've heard conflicting accounts on what they count as your start weight. i'm apt to believe that they coun't the weight from the class.

my tests came back normal. i have an appointent on 11/13 for some kind of class that last 2 hours. no idea what goes on there. i'm guessing just general information.

i went to kaiser on the 5th to once again inquire about wls. to my surprise the doctor lady seamed egar to help. said she thinks i'm a good candidate. she wants me to get some blood tests done. i have to wait untill thursday for that since i work saturday - wednesday and won't be abel to make it to the lab before closing on work days. if i'm not mistaken after the tests are done, provided there is no complications,  she's going to set up the appointments for me to speak with the nutritionist and pshycologist. from there i'm not sure what happens but all seams off to a good start.