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Hurdles, hurdles and more hurdles. 

Not weight loss hurdles, life hurdles.

I’ve made a decision, a decision that will change the course and outcome of my entire life.  A decision that means I may not have children, a decision that means for the next ten years I will re-dedicate myself to learning and all the accompanying highs and lows, accomplishments and foibles, sleepless nights, terror, stress and exhaustion, euphoria and joy. 

I’ve decided to become a doctor. 

This is a dream I’ve kept close to my heart for many years.  In the past decade of infirmity, morbid obesity and depression I truly believed it would never even be in the realm of possibility.  I lacked drive, energy and physical ability, qualities a physician must possess to be successful.  Although I did complete a Masters degree, it was an intense and daily struggle to finish assignments, to find the will and wherewithal not to just give up because I simply didn’t care enough about anything, let alone my future to put the effort in. 

I’ve started the process, this incredible journey, a journey that will take me more than a decade to complete, but I’ve started it.  Unfortunately I’ve made this process considerably more difficult that it needed to be. 

In high school getting honour roll grades was not difficult for me, at least it wasn’t for classes like English, history, geography writing, even biology, but bring me into those more hard math and science courses and it started to be like doing work, and who wanted that.  So I took the bare necessities needed to get into university where surprise, surprise I did a BA in history, and then a Masters in public health.

Now I have to start from the beginning, I need to go back to high school to upgrade my science classes, and then back to university to take an undergraduate degree in science.  Well thankfully, (or hopefully) not an entire undergraduate degree. 

So by the time I’m finished I’m actually going to be over 40. 

HURDLE

Possible no kids

HURDLE

What happens if I flunk out and I waste thousands of dollars and years of my life for nothing. 

Its terrifying.  Truly and utterly terrifying.

But I HAVE TO TRY.  So much of my life has consisted of me saying no I can’t and I’m so tired of saying no.  I want to say YES, shout YES YES YES from the rooftops!

So I will.  There are points of no return and I haven’t hit them yet.  If I give it my all and can’t do it then I’ll stop, but at least I won’t have chickened out before I even tried. 

The last couple of days have been so amazing.  I've been exercising quite a bit and it feels so good that i can just keep going without needing to stop alllllllllll the time.  We are moving right away.  The last time we moved I was so disabled that I couldn't do anything, I was so slow, it hurt so much but now everything is so easy, and I can't even imagine what it will be like when i've lost another 100 lbs.  It is quite frightening to think though that if I get down to my goal weight that I will have lost almost 300 lbs.  Sometimes I just think woah! Thats two normal sized people.  

My husband and I are moving to a new home right away and I'm so excited.  I was scared before about the prospect of moving because of cleaning a larger house and having yard work to do was so daunting, but now I can't wait.  I am so happy! 

Today has been a very good day, a day that has been preceded but many other very good days.  I weighed myself this morning and got an extremely pleasant surprise.  I have now lost, since August 31st, 153 lbs.  Weighing 312 lbs, I am only 13 lbs away from weighing under 300 lbs, the lowest I've been since high school, AKA a decade.  How amazing is that!?!?!?!

Putting that into perspective for myself.  I have lost an entire adult woman worth of weight.  Although getting around is much easier now than it was, I still struggle sometimes.  How did I do it for so long? how did my addiction to food keep me chained down for so long.  I'm so glad that my family, friends and I took a chance on me and that they've followed me down this path, on this amazing journey. I've never made a better decision in my life.

I have a few friends who have had the same procedure that I've had and have also hand enormous success.  They have been my rocks, my support throughout this process.  It's been so amazing to have these wonderful women to turn to when I had a question or a concern, when I was having a bad day, or just needed advice.  I hope that I can be there for others who make the choice to pursue this surgery. 

I'm not sure why I'm surprised but I have had no bad reactions to the fact that i had weight loss surgery.  I'm not sure why I expect people to judge me.  I was a party a couple of weeks ago and met a friend of a friend who's wife had struggled with her weight all her life and although she wasn't hugely over weight, had yoyo'd for several years, especially since having children.  I was wearing a new pair of Spanx and was figetting with them as they were new and itchy and he asked if I was ok, so I explained to him that I had had VSG and now I have quite a bit of loose skin so Spanx just make things work better.  I then talked to him at length of the surgery and the after effects.  I stated that I was surprised that I hadn't experienced any bad reactions and he laughed.  He said that those who would react badly to me getting surgery to deal with a weight issue caused by addiction to food would be the same people who reacted badly when a drug addict or alcoholic stated they needed to go to rehab for their issues.  for the most part people have been unbelievable supportive, and have treated me with respect and dignity, because they understand I didn't do this for my vanity, but to be healthy and successful in my life.  I did it so that I could have a career, a happy marriage, children.  A life filled with purpose. 

Everyday I feel better, I can stand longer, and although the side effects of hair loss, jiggly skin, waving good bye twice arms and teeny tiny portions have been hard, its been worth it.  My hormone levels are normal, my blood sugar is normal, my cholesterol is normal, my blood pressure is normal.  All in all I'm healthier than I've been since I was 14.  How cool is that. I also need to give a special shout out to three people.  Although everyone in my life has been extremely supportive and amazing my husband Travis, my mama, and my good friend Emily who had the VSG surgery in July 2013 have been there for me more than anyone.  Travis has listened to me rant and rave, held my hair when I was sick from trying to eat too much, rubbed my tummy when I was nauseous, and sat and made plans for our life together with me.  He has shared my enthusiasm and told me everyday how much he loves me.  My mother has been my sounding board, my gym buddy, and has listened when I have been worried, ever terrified that I made the wrong choice, and I have watched the worry lessen from her face and the joy grow as she has seen how much healthier and happier I have become.  Emily has been there answering my questions, giving me clothes, showing me ways to work my body better, I couldn't have done it without you three and everyone else that has been there for me for the past six months. 

Thanks for listening homies

Peace out

Caitie

Ok so I've been on my feet wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more in the last couple days than I have been in the past.  It feels ammmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzinnnnnnnnnnnnnggggg!!!!!!!! So good. I've been cleaning without needing constant breaks, not feeling like i'm going to collaspe taking the laundry down to the laundry room.  I have been sitting on a rolly chair to cook and wash dishes for the last two years and I've been standing to do that lately. Things that normal sized people take for granted as an everyday thing is amazing for me.  I feel so so so so good.

In other news I hit a bit of a plateau.  I am having SERIOUS struggles getting in enough protein and I think that is contributing to the plateau.  Also I've been soooooooooo extremely nauseous, no matter what I eat, so of course that makes eating anything besides yogurt and pudding hard.  Pre-surgery I would always drink juice when I felt under the weather and I was thinking, nope, can't ever ever have juice again, but one of my weight loss friends basically said I was being silly.  She said to do what it takes to make me feel better, to pick healthier lower cal not from concentrate juice and to water it down. So I did, it instantly made me feel better. I'm so glad I listened to her. 

My other struggle is eating too fast.  I know some people don's struggle at all with the speed at which they can eat but I have to eat so slowly or it just comes right back up.  I'm slowly learning to listen to my body cues and to not push my tiny tummy too far. 

Thanks all

Have a good night!

Disclaimer: A LOT OF THIS BLOG POST WILL CONSIST OF WHINING AND COMPLAINING, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!!!

Ok, i'm having some serious cranky pants issues today.  Day three of liquid pre-op diet...just premier protein shakes and bouillon.  I WANT TO KILL, MAIM, DESTROY. I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOO HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No, no i'm HANGRY.

I am seriously struggling.  Food is everywhere.  On tv, on facebook, on the radio, in books. I never noticed how prevalent food is in our society.  Well maybe I did but it wasn't a big deal.  It wasn't a trigger.  I mean i ate when I wanted to right, I didn't need a trigger or a reason I just ate, therefore I didn't really notice how often food comes up in a day.  I've had to mute the TV or change the channel, skip pages in books, change the radio station, refresh webpages.

The thing is its not McDonald's or KFC or chocolate that I want.  Its an apple, a yogurt, a poached egg, a nice bowl of soup.  I won't be eating solid food until November 15th, although I can start eating really soft foods on October 30th (YAY!)

On a much more positive note I have lost quite a bit of weight.  I need to get myself on a scale to find out how much.  Walking is better, sleep is better my knees aren't as sore, my edema isn't as bad my blood sugar is consistently lower. All excellent improvements.  I know that in the scheme of things the next six weeks are going to go by in a flash, but day three its tough, although slightly less tough than yesterday. 

Damnit...I missed my month count down blog.  Life has been a bit alsdfjlasdfj;alsdfkj;lasdk lately.  Kind of like riding a high speed train.....on a steep decline....with no brakes WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! 

Anyway.  Life will begin to calm down after this.  I have two assignments, a presentation and a final this week, and then it slows down SIGNIFICANTLY.  From 100-10 in a day kind of slow down.  But thats ok because we are T-Minus 22 days to my surgery date.  Its feeling a little surreal but I'm so excited.  I recently found out that another friend of mine had this same surgery this past July and has an incredible amount of success.  She's already having to sell a bunch of her clothes as they are far to big for her.  SQUEEEEEE! I can't even describe how excited I am. 

It might be difficult for those who have not been fat their entire adolescent and adult life to understand what the prospect of being normal sized means.  I'm feeling it already.  My fat little feet aren't as swollen, I have more energy, I'm sleeping better (sometimes) I'm not as stiff and sore walking around.  I want to say that this has been a piece of cake but it hasn't, although it certainly hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be. 

I will admit I'm not looking forward to the next stage.  The shakes are GROSS.  Kind of like chocolate flavoured dirt mixed with chalk.  I'm definitely going to have to find some other kind of protein replacement for after surgery...my facilitator mentioned that another one of her clients had found a tasteless protein powder that can be added to soups, smoothies, and I'm sure many other things.  I'll eat real dirt if that is what it takes though. 

I have officially told all of my close friends (that live in SK) and my friend Cath.  Everyone has been so supportive.  It's not that I was expecting anyone to shun me or be angry or disappointed with me, but I was prepared for more trepidation.  The only negative reactions I've gotten is about traveling to Mexico for the surgery.  As one friend put it, she's health care racist.  My friend Caths' dad is a doctor and so she asked me if I had access to good after care, that was her only concern.  Thats the general consensus, that as long as I'll be ok and that I'll be happy that people are happy for me.  My weight has really held me back in so many ways, and that has affected my ability to interact with my friends, to participate in social gatherings, etc.  By next summer I'm hoping that there will be no problem being 100% involved in all proposed activities. 

I need to tell my dads side of the family.  I'm thinking that they will be supportive, I can't see why they wouldn't be.  I know that they are all concerned about my health as well, everyone is.  I actually wonder if my dad has told them already.  Maybe he has.  That would make it easier for sure. 

I'm going to start ending my blogs with a goal.  That way I can share them over time rather than just spouting a list.  I think this will help me really think out what is important!

Goal #1: Get healthier.  Basic and to the point but the number one reason why I decided to go down this path.  Strong and healthy here is come!

Good night everyone

Caitie

So in keeping with my commitment to be honest with myself and others and to be open with how I'm feeling and doing, this sucks! Please don't take this post as any kind of indication that I'm quitting (after a week) because I'm certainly not, however that is not to say that the last three days especially haven't been awful.

I am in withdrawal.  I have had no carbs, and no sugar, not even fruit or yogurt for a week.  This is extremely difficult for me.  I've cut back significantly on the amount of carbs I eat in the last 6 months or so, but I replaced pasta and bread with fruit and yogurt.  The pre-op diet is basically the induction phase of the Atkins diet, so NO carbs (well 20 grams, and if you want a comparison, there are 9.5 grams of carbohydrates in a medium sized mandarin orange).  I also can't eat carrots as they are very high in natural sugars. 

My body is OBVIOUSLY used to getting a lot of its energy from some sort of carbohydrate, this whole protein and veggie only thing is making me feel extremely fatigued and slightly sick.  Breakfast is the hardest.  I'm used to fruit and yogurt, or peanut butter toast and fruit, or cereal and fruit.  I do eat eggs sometimes but always with toast so breakfast has been the biggest struggle.  I need to go buy some bacon, or ham or something like that. 

Travis has been amazing cooking for me while I finish up the very last little bits of my practicum work.  I'm so lucky that he's so on board, and is willing to totally change the way he eats to help me through this process.  He makes sure that I get fed, and has been really good at putting up with the cranky. 

Anyways, I realize that I'm totally going through withdrawal.  My issues with food are tantamount to addiction, and I now I'm basically going through withdrawal.  This had increased the cranky that I would already be feeling due to stress and little sleep into a whole new category.  I'm putting a general apology out there into the universe in case I just lose it on someone I hope it won't affect my karma too much.  Lets just say I worked up a tantrum so amazing this morning after tripping over a cat, smashing a tea pot full of tea all over the floor and slicing my foot open on a shard of glass and then smashing my knee into the toilet this morning that I would have taken extremely perverse pleasure in going on a destructive rampage. I refrained however.  It was HARD though, after situations like that I'm so used to eating to calm myself down. Even just a piece of fruit or toast, or some crackers, and making a choice to step away from the fridge, nor gorging myself on cheese was extremely difficult.  I managed however and watched funny Tim Minchin videos on youtube instead. 

I'm really glad that I'm not putting this off but at the same time part of me wishes that I had waited for Christmas instead of aiming to get this done in October.  I'm sure once I get back into the swing of school and have even an iota of free time, something that is non existent right now, I'll be feeling better.  I'm already noticing changes for the better.  My fat little feet aren't quite as fat, which is great.  I haven't noticed any other physical changes yet but its only been a week.  This is the first time in my life that I haven't cheated and I feel a lot of pride in that.  I ALMOST ate an orange last night, I think I would have committed a serious felony for a sugar hit, but again I refrained and drank some sugar free peach water instead.  I think maybe I'll get those popsicle making kits and make popsicles out of these sugar free calorie free drinks. It's all about making changes and finding new ways to satisfy cravings right? That seems like a good compromise. 

On a different note.  I've been thinking a lot lately about rewards.  When I accomplish something I pretty much universally reward(ed) myself with food.  Clearly that is a behaviour that needs to change, so I've been thinking about how I will reward myself when I accomplish something great.  Now you all know me, and you know I LOVE to shop.  I'm hoping that by Christmas time my feet/legs will be regaining their normal shape and the edema will have stopped, so I think I shall take the money that I would have spent buying myself lunch, or going out to eat and set it aside and buy myself a killer pair of boots.  If my legs aren't quite where they should be buy Christmas then i'll wait, but being able to buy a killer pair of boots is one of my first goals.  (I'll be writing another post in the next little while about other goals I've set, stay tuned). 

When I met with a friend of mine who had the surgery last summer, one of the things that she told me was that when you can't eat what you want, or as much as you want that food can really lose its appeal.  I'm already feeling that a little bit.  Not that I don't love veggies and no carb food, because I do, but snack food tends to be carb laden, or sugar laden, or fruit. I mean a common snack grab for me would be an apple and yogurt, or crackers and hummus, or apple sauce, none of which I can have right now so I've kind of stopped snacking (not that thats a bad thing right). I'm hungry though and not used to that feeling.  Maybe this is how normal people are though, rather than eating because you're driven to, you're supposed to eat because its a necessity to living.  I know I have to be careful because I can't let my blood sugar drop.  So I have made sure to eat, but I'm not letting every little hunger pang control me.  I'm hoping this is good.  My concept of healthy eating is still so skewed that I'm not sure.  I don't think I'm at risk for anorexic behaviours, but it was something that a lot of people have said can happen, you just kind of quit eating.  I'll keep on eye on it. 

ANYWAY, that felt like a major run on thought, sorry for the slight incoherence.  The only other updates I have - I'm meeting with the facilitator next week to book the surgery.  I'm hoping that we'll be able to book it either the weekend of the 11th or the weekend of the 18th of October.  Which means that I'll be back to normal food (not liquids and blends and soft food) by Christmas time.  Christmas was such a non-entity for us last year, I'll be excited that I'll have more time and energy this year to make it a big deal.  It is Travis's favourite holiday and he deserves a big show this year. We didn't even put up a tree last year. 

I want to say another big thank you to everyone who has been so supportive of me, and who love me no matter what.  I think, no I know that I am extremely lucky to have such amazing family and friends, the outpouring of support that I've had has been so amazing. 

I'll try to keep the blogs more succinct in the future, and maybe a little less stream of consciousness lol!

I'm off to finish the SINGLE LAST PART OF MY PRACTICUM, the executive summary. Hopefully I can be more concise there as I only have 500 words.

:)

Caitie

It is hard to really know where to start. I've always been bigger, well for as long as I can remember.  I obviously can't speak for what I was like as a toddler.  I've seen pictures of myself as a youngster and the older I got the bigger the size gap between my friends and I became.  After about grade four I was always the biggest in my group of friends, and often the largest in my grade.  In highschool I was one of the biggest in the entire school.

I want to put a caveat here.  I know that my family will be reading this and I want to make it clear that my horrible relationship with food and the resulting problems I now face are entirely my fault.  I'm just trying to give some background to how I've come to be where I am today.  I've always LOVED food, it has been my coping mechanism.  My dads side of the family is (was) fairly food oriented.  My dad grew up living on a farm and is also really physically active.  The portions that my dad gave us (my brother and I) as children were biggen than they should have been considering we were city kids.  We were fairly active, my parents saw to that.  I biked, walked, swan, played baseball, cross country skied, did karate, dance.  Honestly I can't imagine how much huger I would be if I didn't exercise as much as I did when I was a kid.  The physical activity could not outstrip the food intake though and I have steadily gained weight for approximately the last 20 years. 

I went from overweight to obese in high school. In grade 10 I became horrrrrrrribly depressed and packed on a lot of weight in a really short time.  I maintained at approximately the same weight/size from age 16-20, fluctuating a size or two.  When I was 20 I volunteered for a program called Katimavik. I lost quite a bit of weight, as I was more physically active than I'd been in years and I had NO money to eat out and the food we ate in the house was very healthy. 

While I was at katimavik (you live in other communities in Canada that aren't your own) two things happened.  My parents divorced, and I met the first guy I'd ever been in love with.  Neither of these things ended up being good for my mental health.  My relationship with Alex was incredibly tumultuous, and working through my parents divorce living two provinces away was not easy.  I had no money and no access to fast food as I was living in small communities.  I did lose quite a bit of weight at this point, and when I got back to Saskatoon I was the smallest I'd been since the beginning of high school.  I started working with the government of Saskatchewan as a summer student and dating a new guy who lived about two hours away from where I was working.  He was a really nice guy, but big, and it was so very very easy to eat badly when I was with someone else who loved to eat junk.  Again, I am not trying to pass the responsbility buck, but making good choices when they only places you go to eat are fast food and your boyfriend has no actual food in the house, eating well isn't easy.  I also returned to a reality of a family that had fallen apart and I really hadn't dealt with that at all.  So I was back in Saskatoon, back in university and back to access with LOTS of bad food. I gained, and gained, and gained.  Up to this point I still exercised, not a lot, but some, but it was getting harder and harder and harder to move.  The cycle that had been bad up until that point got worse.  I ate, and ate, and got bigger and bigger and moving got harder and harder. 

There have been a lot of wake up moments, not being able to walk up stairs, finding clothes to fit properly, awful lower limb edema.  I'm so limited in the physical activity I can do.  I can swim, but even getting in and out of pools is hard.  I have great friends and family who love me and support me and who are desperately worried about me.  I have made some life modifications, I don't eat a lot of junk food or fast food, my husband and I don't order or go out to eat that often, I used to eat pasta several times a week and no we barely eat pasta at all.  Now my big problem is portion size and snacking and my ability to partake in any kind of physical activity. 

So i've made the decision to get this surgery.  I'm 28 years old and have the mobility of a senior citizen.  I'm so limited in in everything i can do. I want to start a career, have babies, travel, and live a real life. So here we go.