Vivian A.

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Well, it's July 22nd and I'm finally posting again.  I was away at the cottage while recovering then away with my family for vacation then our internet has been 'fussy' so posting was a chore.
I'm feeling pretty good these days.  I've been off my blodd pressure meds since one week post-op.  I have not had any headaches from the pseudotumour cerebri.   In fact, I have rarely had any of the visual disturbances from that condition that had been occurring hourly before surgery.  I have less pain in my feet but it's not all gone yet.  The massage I have booked for next week might help with that!  I am down from a 4x to a 2x in my tops and from a 26 to a 22 in my pants.  All good stuff!

I did develop an ulcer a while back.  I have been taking an incresed dose of Prevacid to help with that and it is getting better.  I have tested it a few times with spicier food and have paid the price!!  For a couple days I thought I was going to switch from overeater to bulemic!  I know, not funny.  But as long as I'm careful, I can eat solid foods now.  I was beginning to think I was going to be on liquids for life.  A bit of a leap considering I'm not quite 8 weeks post op yet.  LOL
I have had dumping issues with food too high in fat.  I don't think I can tolerate even my limit of 11 grams per meal.  I alos had a dumping incident when we ate out once - didn't know they put relish in the egg salad and apparently it has quite a bit of sugar in it!  I am taking these minor issues in stride and accepting that they are actually helping me to slow down and do the next right thing.  I ma being forced ( by tortuous pain when I mess up) to chew A LOT and take time between bites and sip slowly and constantly.  There is nothing like a big thirst combined with the inability to gulp liquids to remind you to keep drinking all day long. 

So eight weeks out and something over 30 pounds lost (at last weigh in two weeks ago - will update that soon).  No regrets.  Mostly good stuff.  Very happy.  Oh, and yes... EVERYTHING improves after weight loss

writing from the library with 3 minutes to spare!
Just a note to say I'm here and I'm doing well.
No big issues.  Pain leaving more each day.  Weight coming off.
I guess all is going according to plan!
Most importantly, no regrets!

I got my time today.  9:00 am - one week today.  Hopefully not too much delay.  I hope it's all on schedule because I don't relish the thought of hanging around all day waiting, letting my nerves get the better of me.  But I will come prepared!  I recognize that if I get delayed, it may be because somebody needed a little more of the doctors time.  And I wouldn't want the doctor to rush with anyone - least of all me!  lol  The phone call from Holly this morning did give me the butterflies in my stomach all over again.  It gets more real every day!

I've been very open about sharing my decision with people and have had such a positive response from everyone.  I got a borderline negative response last weekend so, in the interest of my sanity, I'm choosing not to share with anyone new until after surgery.  I don't need anyone pooping on my corn flakes (or should I say protein shake) so close to my surgery date!  I will keep my eyes, my mind, and my heart on the future.

I made this decision because I know years of self-abuse have gotten me into this mess and I need to get myself out.  My head is in a better place than it has ever been.  But once you get immobile, it's next to impossible to get the body to follow along.  I want to dance and skip and get down in the sandbox with my daughter.  I want to keep up with my husband and get active with him.  I want to participate in this life.  Not just observe.  I want to pass the camera to someone else once in a while and maybe show up in a few pictures. 

I do not know what God's plans are for me down the road.  But I trust in Him.  I also want to be better able to answer His call when there is work I need to do for Him.  I was listening to a program today about humility.  About the love we should express to one another.  They focused on the passage where Jesus is washing the feet of his disciples. I sometimes feel like I can hardly take care of myself, let alone someone else.  I need to show myself this love - learn what it is all about - so that I may be able to send this love back out to the world.  A caterpiller must first cocoon itself in a safe place where it can nourish itself and grow before finally being able to break free and share it's beauty with the world.  I'm cocooning.  Look out world!  Soon I'll be fluttering all over the place!

So, I had my PATs on Monday.  I was there from 7:30 until almost 12:00.  Not sure why it took so long - but lunch never looked so good!
Gallbladder is excellent, lungs are excellent, bloodwork has no surprises and nothing scary, heart is working great.  The doctor comes in and reviews all this then says, "Usually these converstaions take a lot longer.  You're very healthy".  Made me feel pretty good about going into surgery.
Then of course the doubts crept in.  Maybe I should try this one more time on my own.  I'm not sick, just fat.
Nothing like a six hour drive home to set me straight!  I could hardly move to get out of the car and my body has been hurting ever since.
Then of course there is the constant issue of me losing my vision in my right eye on a regular basis (due to the pseudotumour cerebri - an obesity related condition)
I'm ready.

My doctor doesn't need me to go on a two week liquid diet before surgery.  But part of me feels like it couldn't hurt.  So I've bought some protein waters and whey powder and I'm giving myslef a bit of a diet.  Only diference is that I'm still eating supper with my family.  Just the liquid stuff for breakfast and lunch.  I don't know if this approach will be of any benefit to me physically.  But it sure is helping me to get my head around the liquid only diet post surgery!
This is day one of two liquid meals a day and one regular meal.
Given that this is not required, ask me tomorrow how that's going for me.  LOL
I am being honest!
Even that's a big step - I have never been honest with myself when it came to food!
Baby steps, baby steps (baby mouthfuls on baby spoons).

I'll be heading to Ypsilanti on Sunday so I can be there for my PATs bright and early 7:30 Monday morning.  What was I thinking when I agreed to that time?  Most days, I'm lucky if I'm out of bed by 7:30!
I guess I'm just so excited that they could have said 4:00 am and I would have said, "I'll be there!".  With bells on
I'm getting better at not being nervous and being more excited.
I sent an email to friends and family today - people who had no clue that I was even considering surgery.  I was a little worried about what kind of replies I might receive.  So far I have received only wonderful, supportive, loving replies.  Honestly, this only confirms for me that I have made the right choice.
I remember hearing that my cousin was considering surgery years ago and I was so happy for her.  I thought of how much better her life was going to be post-surgery.  Not for one second did I think she was "taking the easy way out" or any of the other negative things I was afraid I would hear.  The responses I have received show me that my loved ones are feeling the same for me that I felt for my cousin all those years ago. 
This also goes to show that most of the negative stuff is in my mind alone.  I have put myself down, abused myself, disliked and even hated myself - all the while making myself believe that others were doing this to me.  Choosing to have this surgery has already had such an impact on my self-esteem.  It is the most loving thing I will have ever done for myself.  I am in the midst of a personal LOVE-FEST!  I LOVE ME!  AND... I am doing this FOR ME!  Yes my daughter and husband come into it... but it's becasue I WANT to be a participant in their lives.  So, yes, it IS all about ME!!
Ahem...
memememememememememememe!!!!!!!
Feels good.

I took the advice of a Barix buddy and called several times this morning until I got a real live person - a very overworked person too, I think.  She was so nice and didn't seem bothered at all that I had left several messages over the past couple days
Long story short... I have my PATs on May 11th and my surgery on May28th. 
I'm glad the appointments are finally booked.  But I have had a quesy stomach ever since I hung up the phone.  It's getting more real all the time.  I want this.  I know it is a good decision.  But it still scares me.
Lately I have been more focused on all the good outcomes of surgery.  Thinking of all the things I won't have to hold back from - rides, bathing suits, getting in the picture for a change, shopping in regular stores.  I'm still aware of the icky stuff but it no longer occupies my  mind exclusively.  I close my eyes and I can see the new me.  And I like her a lot!

I received my approval from OHIP one week ago today and I am patiently waiting for scheduling at Barix to call me to book my surgery.  I am excited and nervous.  I want this surgery for me and my family.  I feel like an observer in my daughters life.  I'm the one behind the camera while daddy and daughter play the game or run and chase each other.  I'm the one holding the bags while daddy and daughter ride the kiddy coaster.  I've even had my cousin take the ride because I knew I would never fit.  I'm also the one holding on so tightly to my daughters hand because I know if she should get away from me and decide to exercise her free will, I would not be able to catch up with her.  I need to keep her safe.  But I don't want to continue to limit her because of my limitations.  My husband loves me.  He still thinks I'm beautiful and desirable (although I can't imagine how).  But he's worried about my health.  He's truly, overwhelmingly nervous about this surgery.  But he knows that something has to change and he has lovingly promised to support me with whatever path I chose.  Here come the tears again. 
I've had surgeries before.  They have always had risks.  How come I seemed so blissfully unaware of those risks in the past?  Maybe it was because I was a single woman with no dependants?  My anxiety is not for me.  It is for my husband and daughter. 
But I do look ahead to envision a better life.  And there is where my excitement lays.