Armena
8/16/04
Hi, am Armena and this is my grip, when I look at various things in my life I realize that, am not healthy or happy and I haven't been for years. I'm going crazy thinking about ways to change things and then I get depressed and I eat. Am not pleased with my body and my health sucks. I'm sick of stretch pants. I would love to walk into a store and try on a pair of regular size pants that fit. I would love to get on the train and be able to sit down and not have people look at me nasty because I take up a seat and a half. I want to walk up a flight of stairs and not be winded. I want to come home from work for once and not have sore; swollen feet from carrying around all this weight. If I have to hear one more time, "your a pretty girl, if you would just lose some weight" I will lose my mind. It's sad that people don't take the time to really get to know me, they just see the nice, unthreatening fat girl. Well finally I have decided to have the surgery, a healthy life and a new beginning for me. Am scared and frustrated, but over all am glad that I'm taking the steps I need too in order to save my Life. it will boost my health, esteem. I'm losing in order to win!
8/24/04
Well am having trouble sleeping at night. I keep organizing everything, in the house and at work. I can't clean enough. I just can't get my mind off the big day. My Friends have become limited due to religious changes in my life, am not fun anymore (to them I guess) as for my family, my sister has been very supportive, but I don't really think she understands. I don't have a boyfriend anymore, but I have God and he has kept me strong. I still talk to my ex but I can tell he's involved, but life goes on and am happy for him. At this point I can't worry about anybody else I have to put GOD first and then watch him work on me! As for me,I find that am very nervous at night, before I go to bed I have to make myself sleepy by reading a book or watching TV. I have been eating, but I have knots in my belly. My daughter seems to be doing ok, but I know she is worried about me. I just want to go in, so I can come out and start on the road to recovery.
8/30/04
Nine days to go and boy am I getting restless. I want to get it over with. I hope this week goes by fast. I go in for my surgery the day after my birthday, so this is really going to be my rebirth. I still can't sleep, and am losing my mind half the time, but God's will I’m going to be just fine. I know my sister and daughter are scare as well, am just glad to have them.
9/6/04
Well today is my birthday, and tomorrow is my re-birth. I have been cleaning my house all day. I can't find anything else to clean. I have packed my bag and I had my last meal with my daughter this afternoon. Am as ready as am going to be. I know God has blessed this day. But am still scared, the flesh is weak. I just can't wait to get it over with so I can start on the road to recovery. I want to go to sleep by 10:00pm. I hope I can get to sleep. I have really been having trouble with sleep, but hopefully all that cleaning has made me tired. At least I don't have to go alone my sister and daughter will be with me. Oh and God of course, he will be with me every step of the way!
9/11/04
Well I had alot of visits (they helped me through), even from the ex, it was good to see him, it felt like he really cared, if he didn't I don't want to know. Am home now, I have been home since Thursday and sick as a dog, a bad reaction to the Vicodin (pain medication). I have been vomiting for the pass three days. The pain is so bad I had to lie to my sister just so she would stop worrying, but it feels like a blast of fire going through my body that won't stop. Now that I have stopped the Vicodin I feel much better I still have pain at the surgery sites, but I will deal with it if it means I don't have to vomit all night. It’s hard to get in and out of bed at times. I hate my bed, but my sister and daughter have made things really nice for me. Am just glad am home and on the post-op side now. I have too put myself on a schedule until I get use to all the new changes. I have to remind myself to eat now; wow I never thought I would have to remind myself to eat. I thank God the surgery went well, my room mate at the hospital had a hard time, I hope she is ok. I went out to the store with my sister and my best friend and boy it was so hard to move around, I felt like I was going to drop dead, but I know the Dr. said I had to get moving so I did. Am just so weak. I hate not being able to do things for myself. I view my sister in a totally different light now, she has a strength I never saw or realized before that is caring and strong, and makes me feel loved & secure. I Love her and am glad she is here with me, My Angel!
9/22/04
Well I would like to report that I went for my first appointment since the surgery. I was very happy when the Dr. informed me I lost 20 lbs. I felt really good in my heart. I was a little bummed out when he informed me that the treadmill would not be the best choice for my workout, because am very bottom heavy. I just invested a lot of money in a gym quality treadmill and now I think I will have to join a gym, I don't know if am ready for that kind of attention yet. I just need to find a new workout. I'll get over it; God gave me a second change to improve my health and am not going to let the devil steal my joy. I will be starting my Designer Whey protein (tropical punch) tomorrow (mixed with yogurt 17 grams). I hope I like it and it goes down smooth.
9/26/04
Well tomorrow I return to work, and yes am scared. I know everyone at work will be very supportive. I have a good system, but am still scared. Am still weak, I will be up and around all day and I know I will get sleepy quick. God give my strength. I have packed my breakfast and lunch, all my pills, bottled water and my protein shake. It will feel good to be busy again. Oh yeah the protein is good, no problems. My sister checks on me daily, she acts like she is my mother, I must admit I like the attention, it's good to know someone cares.
9/27/04
Well today wasn't so bad. I was really sick this morning on the train, but thank God my daughter was with me for part of the ride, after she got off I got a seat and I felt much better. Once I got to work it was ok. It was nice to see my co-workers and it was nice to hear I was missed. Am very weak and sleepy, but I made it through the day, thank God it was a good day. Yes my sister called to check up on me and I gave her a full report. Asia was also worried about me, and asked me how my day was? Am going to miss all this attention.
9/30/04
Well the week has been going good, it was a little rough for a while (am sick everyday riding the trains in the morning) but today I was ok, no sickness. Once I got to work it was a little rough due to the fact I tried a new flavor Designer Whey protein (natural) and it was nasty, it made me vomit. So it messed my whole morning up because I couldn't really eat after that and it made me throw up my pills. So I will be returning the flavor for the other one I normally purchase (tropical). Oh yeah, I put on my suit that was skin tight before, and wow, it just slid right on!
10/21/04
Well, It has been a while but things are going ok, am getting adjusted to working again, which has went very smoothly. Get this, on November 1st I start a new job, (more money) and I will have to figure out my eating schedule all over again. My sister and I are closer then ever and Asia and I are doing the mother daughter thing and I even talk to my ex more often now, who knew? The good news, am up to 30lbs in total weight loss, Dr. Roslin said he didn't recognize me. All my meds are the same. I have been suck on eating the same types of foods, but I spoke to the nutritionist and she gave me another outline to follow as a guide. She wants me to become more dependent on protein from my foods oppose to protein from shakes because some of the shakes have a lot of calories. The new outline has been very helpful now I can see the foods and how much protein they have. I have to start reading labels when shopping for food. I see a lot of meats have protein but since am not a meat eater I have to find some good soy protein products (fake meat). Almost at the 8week post-op mark and all is well. I have to get more water and protein in, and workout. Oh yeah I joined the local gym, I have worked out their and its nice.
11/05/04
Last night was bad. I got so sick. My stomach was in a lot of pain. I think it was from something I ate. I had some Hummus, with corn tortilla chips (which the nutritionist said was ok) I had it before and it was fine. I went to bed without dinner or my medication. When I woke up this morning I felt much better. I don't think I will try that combination again. Other wise things are ok. The new Job is ok, but I have to find time to fit in my breakfast and lunch. I can't wait to go to my next appointment 12/09/04. I really have to work harder to fit the gym in, this week has been crazy but hopefully I will be able to go next week after work. I have been trying all types of soy proteins (fake meats), but I find that the ones that are to grainy are not for me. I like the smooth texture better. I never thought I would like cottage cheese and now I love it (with fruit of course). I guess it's all about exploring new foods and I have to say I love the experience. Oh by the way that same suit I was talking about sometime ago that slid on, well not it's to loose, but its still wearable, I can't wait until I can't fit it anymore! I never thought I would be happy my clothes don't fit!
11/30/04
First off let me say am back on meat, thanks to Asia. All this time she wanted to stop eating meat so I followed her, then I find out over the holiday she has been eating meat all this time, so I went right out and bought me some meat. It was the best thing I could have done; I now have way more options for protein. Now let me say am grateful for my weight loss, am up to 47lbs in total. I feel good, but I see others losing more, which is depressing at times. I know everybody is not the same and I have to stop worrying about other people and be proud of myself. I thank God for where I am now! I feel like am not eating anything and I went through this surgery, was it worth it, yeah is was I can't lie, even though I wish it was more, I can't remember the last time I was this close to 200lbs. Sometimes I eat things and get so sick, and at other times I just don't want to eat anything. As for my diet, it has been ok, I still can't get enough fluids in, but everyday I try, am up to about 20-30ozs a day. As for foods am eating things like, wheat crackers, salmon, potatoes, catfish, a lot of chicken breast, yogurt, ricotta cheese, all types of block cheese (cheddar, jack, gouda), beans, salad, wheat toast, baby fruits (Gerber), canned fruit in extra light syrup (pears, peaches), and diet drinks (crystal lite, diet snapple). I haven't tried working out yet, am going to start working out this week end, I guess I will start with about 15 minutes and then take it from there, I hope it will increase my weight lost. Am trying to remain centered and not get obsessed with this (Lord please humble me) whole weight lost thing. I just thank God am healthy and losing!
12/09/04
Well I went to my appointment today and the Doctor said I was doing great, but I better start exercising ASAP. Am down 51 pounds but not below 200 pounds yet. Am about 3 pounds away, and it is driving my crazy. I will workout this evening, even if it’s just 10 minutes, it’s a start. I feel good and I have been eating much better. I now keep track (fitday.com) of everything I put into my mouth (except 0 cal liquids) and that has been very helpful. My clothes are getting looser and looser and that's the size 16. Me a size 16, wow. Oh yeah, an update on that suit that was loose but wearable, it doesn't fit any more! What a blessing, thank you God in Jesus name, AMEN.
12/14/04
Well today was a late day for me, so I didn't have to get up until 9am to be to work by 11am, so I took it slow this morning. By the way I hate my job, my sister and Asia are the best and I think the ex and I are getting closer. That's the update in that area. Now, I don't know what got into me because I said I was not going to weight myself until next week (I just got weighted at my last appointment) but God said girl get on the scale, so you know I listened. Well the tears just started rolling and I jumped back off the scale, re-adjusted it and got on again, I could barely see through the tears but again I saw the same thing, my heart raced and I said ok this can't be right so once more I adjusted the scale and looked real hard, the scale read 195 pounds, I was shaking and my heart filled up with the joy of the Lord, all I could do was pray and thank God for blessing me with more weight lost, and what I so desired to break the 200 mark. I can't remember being under 200 pounds. God is good all the time and all the time God is good! When you put God first and let him lead the way you find such joy and blessings.
2/8/05
Well it's been a while and I feel great. So much has changed in my life, my relationship with God is awesome and getting stronger everyday, I got the Holy Spirit, thank you Jesus. My ex is now my boyfriend again and he returned to church and is on the same path as me now. God moves in mysterious ways. I still hate my job but am good at it and we have passed the audit, my part was good. I have been putting my resume out and I thank God I have a job, but I know when it's time for me to move God will take care of it, am not worried. Am down to 178 pounds, that's 73 pounds lost in total. I love the fact that nothing fits anymore, am wearing a size 16 and it's falling off me (I need a size 14) I like it when people say "girl it's time to go shopping." Thank God my sister gave me a lot of nice clothes a long time ago. I was suppose to take them to goodwill, but I never got around to it, I guest God had a plan of his own because those are the very same clothes am wearing now and am making a lot of skirts, I want to wear more skirts and stop wearing pants, maybe one or two pair (to run around in on the weekends) but that’s it. My sister always said I would fit into those clothes and that was before the Dr. suggested I look into surgery. As for food I have been getting in 100-150 grams of protein a day. I have been watching my carbs and fats, I still have trouble getting in 64oz of fluids, I get in about 40 oz, but am working on it. I have also cut my hair to a chin length bob, I love it (it was falling out and needed treatment badly). Through the mercy and grace of GOD am happy and full and confidence, he has taught me to love me for me, he made me beautiful and I now realize it. I will make every effort to take care of his creation, his master piece. I haven't reached my goal weight yet, but I know as long as I remain humble, God will help me reach my goal. I am so happy I have such a loving family, Nana, Asia, Tonja, Monty, Mommy, Khaleel and Butch, I love them with all my heart. Now for the food side, the cravings are driving me up the wall, but I have a few secret weapons. My new snack food is pork rinds (one oz serving of course), lots of protein, the fat is ok and no carbs. Sugar free Hunts Jell-o with fat free cool whip, those are my goodies. When am good or sometimes on a really bad day sugar free Hershey’s chocolate (miniatures), they are low in fat and low in carbs if you eat half a serving (4 pieces is a serving). I always eat the serving amount or less. Now breads, rice, sugar and pasta I don't bother with them. I try to stick to high protein low fat, low carb, meats, cheeses, beans, etc. I still need to workout. I have been saying that for the longest and I know God has even made a lot of opportunities and I have come short, but am working on it. It seems like I never have enough time. I know I have to get on the ball and start being more motivated, but I just can't find anything to motivate me! I have to start listening to God more in the area of fitness, when he says go workout I have to go do it.
2/14/05
Well today is Valentine's Day. I got a nice gift from Monty, perfume and teddy bear (it came with a little box of chocolate (after one I got sick). This is the first year I didn't want any chocolate. I had two small sugar-free peanut butter cups this morning and the thrill was gone (low cal, low carb). I usually go through a whole box alone. It feels good to have all the weight off. Also am down another 3 pounds, I now weigh 175 pounds, 76 pounds lost in total to date. I worked out the other day and it felt good. I know it’s only a matter of time before I start working out more. I need to work on my legs and my arms the most. I have to use the weight machines at the gym for my arms and I can continue to use the bike and the treadmill at home. I need to set up a schedule. One good thing is that my daughter wants to workout with me so we can workout together at home three days a week and then I can go to the gym two days a week to use the weight machines for my arms. Well that’s the plan; I will pray on it, all things are possible through GOD. My diet has gotten much better. My system is really working (pray, pray, and pray) before you know it I will be at my goal weight (150 pounds) and everything after that is a bonus.
2/26/05
This morning my grandmother pasted away and my world came to a halt. I don't know how to feel or what too do. How do you act like someone is not there that has been there for your whole life. It's like a whole chunk of my life is gone. She really struggled for about three months, just holding on while we watched her slowly disappear. We went to see her body and I couldn't handle it. My grandmother was like my mother, she was my everything, my hero, my role model, my strength. I don't know how to miss her. I'm just so full of feelings and I have nothing to do with them. I know I have to be strong for my family, but who will be strong for me. I feel really alone at times, since I have changed my life and now I live for God. I'm not the life of the party anymore and now that my grandmother is gone am just lost, and how do I deal with it. In the past I would just have a drink (a lot of drinks) or eat. Now the drinking, God has taken control and that's not an issue anymore, but the eating part scares me. I'm almost six months out now and I don't want to screw this whole eating think up. I need help but I don't have any friends to talk to who understand and my sister would blow the thing way out of proportion, not to mention she is dealing with the same stress that I am and where both not doing too good. I have to pull myself together. At least my grandmother got to see my weight lost before she pasted. On 1/18/05 she could barely speak and she still took the time to tell me how beautiful I looked, she said I look like a little girl, she was so happy for me and all she could talk about was hair styles, diet plans (she said we could follow the same diet when she comes home due to all the changes in her health, our diet were about the same), and how she never got a change to come to my church with me, she said when she comes home we were going together (take opportunity never came, not in the flesh at least I know she is with me in spirit), I told her in a wheelchair or a walker we were going, that was last conversation we had. I love her so much. Golon!
3/4/05
Well today was my grandmother's funeral. It was beautiful. It didn't really look like her so I was ok, until they said "final viewing" and it hit me that I would never see her face again in person, never be able to kiss her soft check, or braid her red hair. It really bothered me. I don't know how to cope with this but after today I will be turning this over to God. I just need one day to mourn. My appetite was strong today, but I controlled myself, God give me strength. Today a part of my life was buried. I need to know how to move on and not use this situation as an excuse to eat, easier said than done.
3/17/05
Well I went to my appointment today and the Dr really made me feel good. As I sat in his office I over heard him speaking to a woman in the next room who was not doing so well, and he said to her "well you have to work a little harder", then he walks in the room and sees me and he says "NOW YOU LOOK GREAT" I can see you're doing a good job. Well that gave me the boost I needed since I really haven't lost any weight since last month but he doesn't know that, the last time I saw him was in December. He told me he wants me to start working on building muscle mass in my upper body, due to the fact my upper body is getting so small he doesn't what me to start losing the structure of my body frame. So I guess now I really have to start working out since I haven't really started consistently doing it as of yet. Another issue since the funeral I have been eating everything in sight, I don't know how to control it. Am clearly eating things I know am not suppose to have, even things that are making me sick. Am losing it and I don't know how to get back on track. I haven't gained any weight and I know its only because of God's mercy, but if I don't pull it together soon the devil will attack. I have to refocus myself and pray, pray a lot.
4/29/05
Today I weighted myself and I have lost 5 pounds am now down to 170 pounds and I thank God for his mercy because These past couple of months have been a true mess, of my own doing. I gained 3 pounds and freaked out (real reality check, at least I lost it and then some). I have been allowing head hunger to attack me. Now am coming back to the place I never should have left. I have been closely watching what I eat and trying to stay within my daily requirements. When you get off track and start eating a whole lot of junk its really hard to get yourself back. This whole weight this is truly in the mind and you have to learn how to control the craving or just realize you can't give into everything you want. Am just glad that in the midst of my lacking God still saw fit to bless me with another 5 pounds lost. God is good. It going to take work, but I didn't go through this for nothing. As for the family my daughter and sister are always supportive and as for Monty am just waiting for God to bless him so he can bless us. Until then an just going to focus on what God puts my mind too and I know one of those things are keeping his temple healthy.
7/01/05
Well it has been a while but I have lost another 5 pounds. Am now down to 165 pounds. It's getting really hard to lose the last 15 pounds. My cravings are back full force, my doctor said I’m doing great but I feel like am losing it. Everyday it’s a battle to not over eat. I know my calorie intake is out of control. My emotions are crazy, I just want to eat bread, chips, cakes, whatever am not suppose to have. As for exercise, that's not going so well. I workout one day then I stop for like weeks, the consistency is not there. I know am not working hard enough. Over all am proud of how far I have come, but I also feel like I have come all this way and now I might lose it. I don't want that to happen, but I now realize that your feelings are so powerful when dealing with eating healthy. If you don't adopt good eating habits after surgery it easy to go back to your old habits and regain the weight. I'm fighting with everything in me to not return to my old eating habits, but it's hard. My daughter is growing up and am worrying about her all the time, am also waiting to get married (when the time is right) and that's driving me crazy, am returning to grad school in the fall and that's another thing am anxious about. So how do I deal with it all, I snack and snacking puts me over my cal intake for the day, which results in weight gain if the behavior continues. Sometimes I get really mad that I can't control myself and other times I pray, regroup and stand on my two feet. This whole situation is a real learning experience. I know I will be fine, I just need to pray more and strengthen my faith. God didn't bring me this far to leave me, I just keep on losing his hand, I have to learn how to hold on tighter.
10/5/05
Well I passed my one year anniversary, which was 9/7/05. I now weight 157 pounds. My goal weight was 150 pounds. Am blessed to have come so close to my goal and am not finish yet. I still have a ways to go but am so proud of myself. God has truly been good to me. I have been battling head hunger a lot. That's the biggest problem I have been faced with. Now that my appetite is back to normal (I just have a smaller stomach) I want to eat. I really struggle with making the right food choices most of the time. One good thing is that when I do get out of hand God humbles me and he reminds me that I didn't come this far to give up now. Well I made it through another birthday this pass September 6. I have a lot to be grateful for this year. Oh and I also got engaged on 10/2/05 (second time, same guy), which was a nice surprise. That's good and bad. We haven't set a date yet, but I dread living with him sometimes because I will be cooking foods for him that I had to give up like pasta, rice and things like that, it scares me. Will I go back to bad eating habits? Will I be able to handle being around someone who eats everything? The Father gives me strength. Asia and I are into eating healthy and I can always convert him to our eating habits, but it will be some work. I just don't want to get comfortable and start gaining weight. I also want to have a baby, which scares me I don't want to gain weight from having a baby either. I guess I have a lot ahead of me, but I can only take it one day at a time, and be grateful as God blesses me along the way! Oh yeah me and Asia will be starting our workout sessions soon, we will be walking away the pounds!
1/12/06
Well it's a New Year and I have a new out look on life. First of all I gained 8 pounds back over the holidays and freaked out over the New Year weekend. To come so far and mess up really gets to you. Am blessed don't get me wrong, however am also very hard on myself. Now when ever I mess up I get very mad at myself, and then I find myself in a rut. On 1/2/06 I decided to stop allowing the devil to control me and I took my joy back. I have been working out three days a week and eating a healthy diet. I haven't been perfect but am on the right path. I have been making an effort to do better and praying to God to give me strength. It's a battle to remain healthy and I have to remind myself all the time to treat my body like the temple it is. I have been using self talk, which has been a great help. I talk to myself when I get tempted and when that bag of chips call me I say NO. It's a struggle but am learning something new everyday. Like I use to buy a big bag of chips and lie to myself and say ". I'll just eat a little" yeah right. I have learned if I crave something, eat it but make sure it's in portion size and don't keep snacks in the house, I have tried that and I usually find myself throwing it out the window (no, I really do). Anyway I have set a new goal weight which I would like to reach by 5/2006. I want to tone and get down to 140 pounds. Everyone tells me that I look OK now but it’s not where I want to be, for me am still to close to 200 pounds and I never want to be that close again. Am proud of myself and I know I will reach my goal with God on my side.
9/8/06
Well it's been a year and I'm doing pretty good. I have been blessed with God's mercy. I have maintained my weight of 160 pounds for about a year now. It has been hard and I battle with my weight all the time, but I'm so glad I made the decision to have surgery two years ago. My health has been good and my energy level is much better. I got married this past June and my husband and I are looking forward to having a baby in the near future, Lord's will. I still struggle with exercising all the time and my eating habits are crazy. My cravings are back full force. But all in all it was worth it. I want to lose about 20 pounds. I have a goal I want to reach. I'm in grad school now and my job is good. I feel like am finally happy with me and who I am. After years and years of fighting with myself I have found peace within myself.
