Annalita986

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

So its been what, 3 weeks? I started out 367lbs, and am as of now 324lbs!!! Thats a little woah lol  But I am doing fine. I really REALLY struggled with my water and protein. of course, the two things I need to focus on most lol
   I am getting a lot better with my water, but its an everyday effort. I dont know what to say with my protein. I dont really count, but I make sure to have some type to protein with every meal and eat it first...Its not like I can force it when I feel there is no room for more. I guess I can clear it up and get a better plan on how to get it in when i have my dietician appointment on the 20th.

So, this is such a new experience...You really do have to get to know your body all over again. Its like being a baby. I am overwhelmed so much more when I experience spiritual things. Like, its almost hard to take. Maybe because I am finally in a place where I cant hide from the Lord and ignore His out reaches..where I cant mute Him out any more. I feel like a little girl at times. Its so beautiful and so shocking at the same time. All my clothes are feeling sooooo much more comfortable!!! I guess I didnt realize how uncomfortable I had been lol
With eating, I still have some hunger and some cravings come into my head, but they are smaller and not as ravenous! Which is something to be thankful for.

You know, everyone raves and raves about bodily changes and physical person differences...But I am finding that, Im not focusing on that change very much...I feel like the bigger picture with this surgery is having my eyes open. Not being able to whisk my way through life throwing caution to the wind. Living in a sober world. And believe me, being morbidly obese, and obsessing over food is as much of a black hole of addiction as any hardcore drug be it heroin , meth or cocaine!!  I had no idea until now...and Im sure my awareness will continue to grow. This surgery is giving me a chance to reach for my full potential as a human being and child of God! I was wandering, unaware of the horendous direction i was going...Physically of course...but more importantly, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. My whole character was in a state of decay.  Its such a strange new thing that I feel like I need to use every word i can think of to paint what I feel to be an appropriate picture...lol and it still doesnt feel like Ive described it good enough haha

I am having a very interesting and fun adventure so far. Im learning that I cant just go through my day, not thinking about my bodies condition...I have to tend to it and treat it all the time. Which at first felt like a prison sentence!  But now, Im treating it more as if I have a child. And its well being and survival depends on what I do for it each and every day. So that has eased my troubles lol

I hope to update this as thought encourages! Its a great life now, and it will only get better, of that I am sure!!

-Anne

So, I will have to join the legions of pre-ops in writing a 'night before' blog...Things are going well again.

I'll get a handle on my over-reactions at some point lol  I have been back on the liquid okay and went down from 360-350lbs in the last 4 days or so..so, going good. I did the liquid magnesium..Not as bad as they said it would be...Now dont get me wrong, I'm the opitomy of a pepto bismal commercial...The taste just reminded me of eating Lucas(lime flavored salt..a mexican treat in Arizona)..

Im about to make my bed and take my shower...Thoughts just run through my mind like crazy tonight..i couldnt be more uninterested in food If i tried..lol
Ive been extra emotional and feeling very close to Heavenly Father. This is one big step in life I need to take in order to fulfill more parts of my mission here on Earth..I feel like the Lord has grasped me up in his arms and is carrying me across..in my head it stands firm, "Go and fear not, for I am with you"  Sigh...emotional, emotional, emotional :-)   I am waving goodbye to the old Anne. The Anne afraid to go anywhere where she might not fit, afraid of peoples opinions or first impressions...The Anne who's only friend who TRULY knew how to be there for her was food...I can see the old me..We are standing parallel over a river...Looking at each other, with a bittersweet farewell..There is a world of hurts and shrouded personality and being, encompassing the old Anne. I feel sad for her...But there is a bright sunrise beginning just beyond my visibility...There is a landscape I cant make out yet...The air and feel around me is new, crisp, and restless to break free into some grand, wonderful eternity.

I am seeing the old Anne begin to fade...I feel a longing to reach out and grasp her hand...To tell her it really is going to be okay! The feelings filling my chest are starting to burst...

That is the best way I can describe what I am experiencing...Its so real. It finally, REALLY, IS going to be me! It will be hard...but what part of this life hasnt been? And I still love the life Ive had for what it is. This is a new beginning...I am ready to stand, brace myself, and open my eyes...

See you all at sunrise!

~Anne

Im about 5 days from surgery and I made a mistake in my liquid diet...One night, I got so hungry I didnt care...and I broke the rhythm...  I am so scared of the actual procedure...That something will go wrong...that I will have lots of horrible things come from it...I am just scared. I think thats what got me eating.

What do I do? Do I just give up? Do i listen to these negative thoughts, and treat them as a sign?? No...Im going to keep trying until the 20th...I feel like a big pile of crap.

I hope I can whip it together tomorrow and just keep trucking...

So..I started the all liquid diet today...The first breakfast and lunch and all that went peachy..I was thinking oh, this will be great...Oh ho...not that easy..
   Suddenly everyone and every noise started getting on my nerves...Hair trigger rage hasnt left the bowels of my personality I guess lol  But This is just the beginning of the Spring Cleaning of Anne!

  My dinner this evening was 8 oz of chocolate QualityPro instant drink...It is so dense and gummy...also 1/2 cup of tasteless jello...Mmm mmm dinner. I think this diet alone, will help me to never...NEVER want sweets again..Chocolate is the least appealing substance right now lol!  I had a huge headache this evening as I was eating and horrible angry thoughts were rolling through my head like big, stone wheels crushing anything happy or positive. Thinking things like, "These skinny health people, who know nothing about how it is to be overweight, make us jump through almost a year of hoops just to get a 'yes' on surgery..THEN they have the nerve to stick you on a 14-21 day diet of sewage drinks and powders...I think they all just want to do this to me to show me how big of a loser I am, that I will never take care of myself, blah blah blah!"   Screaming thoughts..and its a scary thing to be screaming in your head! haha

  Then, I thought about serious heroin addicts, or any serious drug addict going through detox in a rehab...they are taken away from the thing that they had come to live off...now with only the withdrawls on top of the sincere, helpless desire to have more...MORE MORE!!!!  Theres a calming numb comfort from that thought, I think.  There are so many people searching to better themselves, having to go through some agony erasing the damage they had done to themselves...This one just happens to be something you physically were born to need to stay alive.
I have said to different people, If Im going to do this surgery, I have to do it 100% or walk. One bit of advice to anyone surfing these blogs who are considering the surgery...You HAVE to be 100%...Its going to be hard..but the results, wonderful. Also, make sure you set yourself up with things you REALLY love. For me, I have a membership to a 24 hr gym that i LOVE! Good movies, drawing, painting, playing music, writing. Find things that take your dedicated concentration!  It working all your spiritual, emotional and cerebral muscles, this surgery prep  lol

Ohhhh...KEEP GOING ANNE!!!  Keep your eye on the ball...eye. on. the. ball.

I will update soon!  Oh it feels so good to get the emotions out :-)  Keep a journal! You will be so greatful you did!!

-Anne

In my first dietician appointment the woman who was working with me gave me a stern look and said, "Now, most patients use the time from now, til the liquid diet to totally binge on their favorite foods..Dont do it.."  I swore up and down to that.

So far its been pretty good. There really is no going back and you know what?? It feels good to say 'No', to those foods that just blocked out emotions and made me high and sluggish. Almost sedating myself! I have a gym membership at a 24 hour place that is fantastic! My mom goes with and its so much fun. The liquid diet starts the 6th..*deep breath*  That will be the real test of self-will!  But I am trying to work the determination into mind on little things to brace myself :-) Like the diet routine lol

 I have heard all these stories and seen pictures of women with tremendously saggy skin..I am young enough and hoping that with my plan of gym, yoga and pilates...I will kick that possibility in the butt!!! I'd like to save the sag for old age thank you very much!  Hope that all works out!! haha

My last appointment to see the women at the hospital is December 13th. I guess this is Christmas! haha I am excited...But I am also very, very scared...Lots of fears about not getting enough water..that sort of thing. I just keep walking forward and doing what Im told. Faith! Faith faith faith!  Trust and believing that after all I can do, the Lord will fill the rest!

Well, I will update again on the 6th and 13th!

<3 Anne

p.s I was drawn to this site after reading a blog from someone named "Amy"..I loved that I could pretty much walk through her experience with her as if it were me, which was SOOOO helpful and comforting!! So, THANK YOU AMY WHERE EVER YOU ARE!  I hope my journey helps someone too