amelzon

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for the past month..i have gone a different path.
i haven't logged my food and i have not exercised.
my pants wouldn't fit anymore.
iflip flopped on my decision to have surgery...again.
it's obvious to me though, that i need this surgery or i'm just going to keep on ballooning up.
i'll chalk it up to having to say goodbye to my food friends...fast food, resteraunt food and snacks.
i know i can't have these post surgery...just one last little taste.
i usually eat the entire pint of cherry garcia ice cream...today i only ate half. that was enough to know that i had to put it away and say goodbye...forever.

today i went and saw my primary doc. he wasn't there so i saw another doc. i wasjust happy not to wait too long.
outsideof the room..i heard his conversation about doing clinical rotations in the OB/GYN dept ofhospital...i heard him say some not so nice things that if i could easily hear, so could anyone. i prayed it wasn't going to be thedoc who walked into my room...it was.

he rolled his eyes at me when i told him about wanting surgery. i didn't care as long as he signed the referral. then he says
"get up and let me see you walk"
i asked him why and he said "so i can look at your butt"
WHAT?
then he asked me why i wanted surgery..that i had a nice body...good shoulders...legs..and nice boobs..and then he proceeded to poke my boobs. he did this twice...and said all i needed was some lipo or a tummy tuck.
i have over 100 pounds to lose.

 i left feeling so weird. not sure how to take it really. AH!

ok. i missed two appointments with my wls doc. why? i was scared. i usually come to a certian point and then i stop bc it is too hard, difficult, scary, unknown, etc.. i decided...4 months ago i started on this journey and i'm almost done! i've come SO close to a lot of things and never finished. I have to finish this for myself..nobody else. I have wanted this for so so long and it is NOW OR NEVER! i had stopped logging my food, exercising, caring. no more.i musttake care of myself so i can be the me i know is in here...somewhere!

things i haven't completed in my life:
my college degree..ba in psychology..i'm 20 credits away and haven't been back
nursing school..left with 4 months to the finish line. why? mental breakdown. lol
two marriages and one common law marriage...
i left hs with 2 weeks to graduation and had to go back and repeat a semester

this will not continue. no.
my next goal is my town's second annual 5k. last year, i came in dead last. this year, if i come in second to the last..it will be a victory for me.

so..i'm watching these shows...weight loss shows thinking..how many people were considering surgery and instead did it on their own? i know..we wouldn't be here if we had already had this thought, attempted and failed. there are exceptions.
what motivates THEM so much...
I have 100 pounds to lose. To me, that's like...an infinite number. Unattainable goal. Some people on those shows lost that non surgically in three freaking months. i want that drive and determination. I don't have it.

this past month i just...sucked.
didnt exercise...didn't eat right..i ate TWO CANDYBARS today. two. that's not even the worst of it.
i realized..i have $80.00 left to feed 5 people until the twelfth of this month. that's....7 days.
THEN i realized...if i'm fat..considering surgery..and we have no money for food..WHY am I fat?
wow. it's me andmy habbits.
i 'm not going to beat myself up.
i'm resourceful enough to navigate my family through this situation.
it's time for radical change.
it's now or never.
#1 i'm quitting coffee. coldturkey. my habit isn't that bad...just four, 8 oz servings of coffee..with a total of 8 packets of equal. yikes. i'm switching to green tea. yes. i like tea...it's time to switch.

but i didn't do much of anything.
i quit logging my foods.
i quit excersising.
it's easier tojust eat eat eat crappily than doing the hard work.
i started doubting my choice for surgery.
i'll just stay fat and get fatter.
then..i could actually feel the weight gain.

i don't like it.
i've decided to fight for what i've come half way for.
i have put off appointments. no more. i will go to them all.
i am going to get back on track. one month down the drain..i have some work to do to catch up.

i think what is missing is support.
my kids are against the surgery, my parents are against it..my friends don't agree...but one friend told me to go for it. to just do it. she gaveme the courage to continue on my journey.
i'm grateful.

i saw my doc today...lost another three pounds. Doc is very pleased.
this past month has been super stressful personally. I haven't eaten or exercised as much as i should.
I still need :
psych clearance
see the gi doc
visit with the nutritionist
venous doppler done on my leg (history of DVT)
OH and for some reason i may not get my gall bladder taken out at the same time..it may have to be before. WHAT???

on to month THREE of SIX

okay..i saw my wls doc today and got my labwork...
my cholesterol is sky high...i kinda figured that.
what i didn't figure on is my TSH levels were LOW.
the doc said that's why i've been feeling tired, why i've gained weight AND why it's been difficult to lose weight. in spite of that i DID lose 3 pounds and he was happy about that. He was pleased about my food tracking and how thorough i have been with it. he even called in the nurse practitioner to come in and see just what i had done. hopefully, with this increase in thyroid meds (i have no thyroid) i will start to feel and do better. YAY! RESULTS!

i also got my appointment with gastroenterologist for either a colonoscopy or the other one that goes down your throat. AAAAAAAAAAH both seem scary.

i am now done with my first month of the 6 month supervised diet with my doc.
i was reviewing all my caloric intake, how much i exercised, how much i ate out...
i learned some very relevant, interesting things about my habits

in the past month:

i ate out or had fast food 8 times

i exercised only 12 times

i kept my caloric intake under goal 16 times.

what does that mean? well...i basically half assed it and only put forth about 50% effort. i need to cut the fast food and eating out, i need to exercise at least 50% more AND i have to make that caloric goal on a daily basis.

i cannot stress enough how much myfitnesspal.com works for logging in all this info.

today...i  burned 1404 calories doing 120 minutes of cardio exercises, including "Swimming laps, freestyle, light/moderate effort"

i'm very proud of myself

hope all is well with you!