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So I havent updated in a bit.  I also havent had a computer for some time lol.  But I had my surgery on May 12, 2009 it was a double whammy, part laproscopic and part open haha.  Nothing is ever cut and dry with me, its always crazy.  Since then I have lost 85 lbs. (I am including the liquid diet as well) I havent been weighed in almost two weeks though so it could be more!  I can do so much and Im not even close to my goal yet.  So Im excited because I can cross my legs, I can walk around and not lose my breath, I can play with my nephew longer, so many things that are completely exciting!  I still have a long way to go but I cant wait to enjoy the journey!  Gob Bless you all!

So it's Saturday May 9th almost Sunday since I'm writing at 11:43 at night haha.  I have approximately two and a half days until my surgery....let me tell you the anticipation is killing me!!  I just want to move on get started with recovery and my new life ya know?!  But I can wait i guess, I've waited this long ya know.  I am not nervous as of yet, I have my moments where I think, what am I doing?!  But then I look at my life and what it is reduced to and I know in my heart that this is by far the best route to go.  It's sad that I am only 21, and I could give you a list a mile long of normal everyday experiences that I have yet to have.  Things that people take for granted every single day, and I know I don't have to get into it because you all know!  But anyways I have been doing my liquid diet for exactly eighteen days and I can not tell you how excited and proud I am to say that I have not cheated in anyway!  When I decided that I was going to do wls, failure has never been an option, but I am my own biggest enemy and even though I may exude confidence to everyone else I had my doubts,  this liquid diet alone has taught me that I am stronger and more resilient than I ever imagined and has helped me gain enormous self trust and confidence with that alone, so this surgery can only bring more good things! I just want to say good luck to each and every person that is going through with the surgery and I commendyou for your bravery! Don't let anyone dictate your life or your decisions, stand up for yourself, be proud, and no matter what anyone says you are worth a normal fulfilling life and you deserved to be loved not only by someone else but by yourself the most.  The best gift you could ever give yourself is self love, so work on doing that and with your own acceptance you will begin to find it from other people!  With love and laughter, Alanna!

So I started my liquid diet on Tuesday, I have to do it for a total of 21 days before my surgery.  I knew it was going to be hard but it so much harder than I bargained for.  I am actually having no problem with temptation or anything like that, which is what I was worried about.  I am having trouble with the way it is making me feel...I think my body is going through like a detox in a sort of way.  On Wednesday I was so nauseated I had to sleep so I wouldn't throw up the little bit of nutrients I had managed to choke down.  Yesterday I was so constipated I was in the bathroom almost two hours, and today well the nausea just hasnt gone away. Not only do I not want the liquid I am supposed to take I don't even want food.  I don't want anything I just want to sleep through this horror!  I am having a tough time, getting really frusturated but I know that this is only a short period of time and my body has to go through this in order to have the surgery so I am making due with what I have, and not being able to go to work.  But I know in the end it will all be worth it, I just need some encouraging words. ya know?....If anyone else is having a hard time, please talk to me I'm sure we could both use the support! Thanks, and God Bless.

So I started the wls process in january.  I wrestled with getting it for about two years.  I am only 21 but right now at my heaviest I am 442 lbs.  About two years ago I started really buckling down and gettting serious about weight loss.  I tried so many things, but in my mind I knew it would all turn out the same, with failure.  So I guess in the end I never put everything I had into losing weight if I'm being honest.  I knew I couldnt do it on my own, but I lied to myself until December of 2008.  I've never been happy with my weight, and I've been overweight since I could remember, well my whole life.  In December is when I took a long hard look at myself and accepted the fact that I was in way over my head and I needed help, major help!  I finally said to God, please help me, show me what I need to do to get help and get it fast.  And that is when I started talking seriously to my mother about wls.  She had it done about four years ago, and since then she has been on so many amazing adventures and met the man of her dreams.  Something that would not have happened if she hadnt been brave enough to have the surgery.  I never wanted wls for a couple of reasons, one I felt like for me it would be a cop out, like I was just going to hand myself over to the surgeons to cut my fat off and walk away the next day skinny.  Watching my mom when she had it done, has shown me that it is by no means easy and I know I have a longgggggg road ahead of me, so it helped to accept the fact that I needed a medical intervention.  Another reason and this is the biggest of my reasons for being a previous skeptic, I was afraid.  There I said it, AFRAID, TERRIFIED, any way you say it I couldnt imagine my life without this big cocoon around me, I've come to realize that when I was little I never had a security blanket because I carried it on my body ie:my fat.  I have hid behind this fat all my life, it allows me to never be hurt because who wants to get close to me when I am this big??...so many other reasons but that was my biggest, I still worry what I am going to do when I no longer have it, what life will be like how will I cope if I can't eat?  But I have God on my side, and an amazing assortment of friends and family and I know deep down I will be okay.  I believe everything happens for a reason and whether or not I get where I want to be, I will get where I am supposed to be, and that is good enough for me.  My Laporoscopic roux-eny surgery is scheduled for may 12 2009 and I am extremely excited, there is a whole new life out there waiting for me and I expect to run to it, (now that I will be able to haha) with my arms and mind open wide.  Good luck to you all in whatever stage of wls you may be in, and may all your dreams come true! GOD BLESS!