CarolLeeMcNeil

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2016-01-28

I had an account years ago when I first started this journey but I seem to have forgotten my username and password and have since changed email addresses 100 times since then. So here I am starting over ...in more ways than one.

I was banded in 2007 by Dr. Sylvain Beausoleil. And went from 340lbs to a one time low weight of 185 (for a day or 2) I seemed to maintain around 190-200 for a few years but I was constantly throwing up or PBing 90% of my meals…this caused a hernia that needed repairing. Dr. B repaired the hernia and repositioned the band in early 2011.  I saw him for a few times after that but the weight gradually came back on. I was over eating and pressing through the band. Drinking with my meals…doing everything I shouldn’t, but stupidly baffled as to why  I was gaining weight.

As the weight came on..so did my depression. I consoled myself in food as per usual, but took up a new “friend” to help me cope with my disappointment.  Before long, maybe 6 months or so, I was drinking up to 3 bottles of wine a night.  Not every night, but at least 5 out of 7.  I had become a fat, depressed alcoholic.

Once I gained a significant amount of weight I was too embarrassed to come see him again and my weight continued to climb. On February 4^th 2015 (one year ago next week) I went to my first AA meeting.  I have been sober ever since.  I thought that without those extra wine calories, the weight should just fall off….but guess what? Nope… I replaced the wine with sugar as a lot of alcoholics do..so there was little to no change in my weight at all. So here I am today at exactly 250lbs.

In November I lost my only sister to cancer. She was 46.  It hit her hard and fast.  She was young and fit although she did smoke.  This made me come to the realization that there are no guarantees for anyone.  She was not given the chance to make the choice to live or die.  I have every tool at my fingertips to live a long life, I just have to stop making excuses, suck it up and get on with it.

So I sucked it up and made the appointment to go back and see Dr. B. I had such anxiety.  I felt like a failure and was convinced he would see it as such as well.  I actually sat in tears waiting to see him..I was sooooo embarrassed. ..But as I should have known from his kindness in the past..he was wonderful. Everyone was wonderful.  He decided that it would be best for me to go back as if I was a new patient.  He gave me a small fill (.5cc) and told me he wanted to see me every 2 months.  I saw Rinette after him and she gave me a meal plan to follow and we re-visited the “rules of eating with the band”.  That was a week ago today.  Since then, while following the rules and the eating plan, I have not PBed or  got stuck, once and I am down 4 lbs. Yayyy me.

I was 40 when I started this journey and I am now 50….

50 is a good place to start

 **I copied my blogs from my older profile..It's kinda interesting to see where my head was way back then...Feel free to take a peek at them

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 Nice to meet you :o) I will be 40 years old in Oct and am currently awaiting my first visit with the surgeon about my bariatric surgery. I have met with an internal medicine specialist and he has recommended me to Medicare and to the surgeon. That was Aug 6..now I wait..........*to be continued I hope* Approved by Medicare in Nov/05...Dr. Beausoleil's receptionist says it could be up to a year and a half wait for an appt.....now I wait...some more...**to be continued I hope, if I don’t die of old age first :o)

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** May 30/06......Yanno, I really hate waiting. ....a few months ago, I decided this waiting was a sign maybe. Maybe I was not supposed to do this. The more I read, or heard about the surgery, the more I feared it. I decided in my head that I was not going to do this. I was not going to cancel my appt with Dr. Beausoleil but I had resigned myself to the fact that I was either going to die fat, or would have to keep trying to do it on my own......So, I went back to ummmm Weightwatchers (for a week) ummm TOPS (lasted 2 weeks there) ..went to my "free" consultation at Herbal Magic. It was going to cost me $1541.5 up front , then $275/month till it was all off to do Herbal magic (that's over $6300.00 folks)...I thought....Sh*t..for that much I can get the lap band....and the light went on!!!!

I decided last night that I still wanted the surgery, I just needed to change things up a bit. So I called the Gracious Doc's office this morning, and asked what page I was on waiting for an appt....I was told you are now on page 3 from 4 in 7 months. I asked the receptionist if I decided to go the lap band route, would I have to start over again..with the internal medicine doctor and re-apply to Medicare yadda yadda blah blah blah.. She said no, but....BUT I'd have to put a deposit down on the lap band of $1000. I about died...once I started breathing again..I thought it out and asked to be moved to the lapband list.  Gosh I hope I have done the right thing. I know the weight does not come off as fast...but there are far less complications. I feel good about this..I am sure I made the right decission....I think......and...now I wait...... *to be continued* 

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**June 7/06 OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Chantal from Doc B's office called me at work today to book me in on my WLS clinic on Monday...UNFORTUNATLY *grumbles loudly* I am the only one in the office that day so have to cancel and reschedule...no biggie..I waited this long..I can wait a bit longer.

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**July 17/06.... Had my consult with Doc B. I was really nervous about going to Moncton, finding the hospital, not being able to speak French in a French hospital..ya know..the normal stuff (well normal if you are like me). Well, I have to tell you, I have never had any doctor's appointment go so smoothly.  Hubby took a "shortcut" and we ended up 10 mins late to start off with. I registered at reception and went to the waiting room (following the red dots none the less). I had barely sat down and got my magazine open when Lise, Doc B's nurse called for me. She is an absolute doll. We spent about 45 mins chatting about things, diet, changes in lifestyle, what to expect, and how cute the kind Doc is:) (yanno ..girl stuff).  Once done there I went back out to the waiting room and told the Hub that he could come in when I saw the doc. This time I didn't even get sat down when they called for me. We went in and spent another 45 or so minutes talking to Dr. Beausoleil. He was wonderful. I was so nervous going in, and came out of there feeling totally at ease with my decision. I asked all the questions I could think of, Mike asked all he could and Doc. B answered them all. He was very gracious and kind.  Soon I will have my seminar that lasts all day. There I will be with a few others who are having the surgery. I will meet again with Doc B and the dietitian, the psychologist, and then hopefully a person who has had the surgery as well . I am really looking forward to it. Talk soon:)

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**July 23/06...I have been thinking a lot about what went on at my consult with Doc B. I mean, the waking up in the middle of the night type of thinking. He asked me at the consult about what diet programs I had tried and how much success I had with them. I named them all off one by one and the varying degrees of success I had. I thought, here we go again..listing my failures in public. How many times do I have to humiliate myself in front of strangers before this is over? I had been asked the same question by Dr. Sainz, my family doc, then Dr. Dornan, the endocrinologist, and now Dr. Beausoleil. By the time I was done with my long list, I was almost in tears, when I looked up at him he was smiling and asked me if I knew what all those programs were good for. I replied with the tone of my "attitude filled" 15 year old daughter, that I assumed it was to take my money. Still feeling embarrassed and a bit angry at him for asking me but mostly at myself for failing so many times.  He said, well, maybe some are, but that they are designed for people that have say 20-50lbs to loose. People who put on weight over a pregnancy or 2 (or 5) or just people carrying some extra weight. The he explained to me that I am morbidly obese. This means I have a disease. I quote from the pamphlet Lise gave me at my consult: "Morbid obesity is a serious illness that isn't the result of immorality or gluttony. The cause of morbid obesity is unknown, yet it's believed to be due to a combination of environmental, genetic and physiological factors."  He then proceeded to tell me that these programs would have never worked for me, that I needed physician’s care because I have a disease.  My mind was racing to process this. For years, I had listened to people telling me.."you just need to cut down", "you just need to get out and walk more", "you just need to drink water", "you just need to pray more", and my favorite--"You just need more will power"...I had heard so many "you just have to”s and "all you have to do is" that I had convinced myself I was a total failure. If "all I had to do" was so simple then why the hell could I never do it? Now I know I am not a failure, or lazy, or incompetent. I have a disease. I HAVE a DISEASE. I didn’t fail. In 5 minutes, this man lifted 20 years of shame from my shoulders. I think Oprah calls this an “Ah-Ha! Moment”. It now all made sense. What I had been doing for years was in essence -- put a cast on my leg to treat my headache. Using the wrong method to treat myself. Now don’t get me wrong. No one else put the food into my mouth. I did that all on my own, and I have NO ONE to blame but myself for that one. But now, I finally have a way and means to repair the damage that I have done.