Tammy I Am

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My highest weight was 326lbs when I was 31, I had been in the 300lb range for over 10 years, give or take 25lbs.   Funny how you can spend your life “on a diet” and yet never experience any significant weight loss or get to enjoy any freedom from food guilt, not even for a moment.   The most weight I ever lost at one time was approximately 45lbs when I was 28 years old, going on a starvation diet and exercising as hard as I could every single day, obsessing over it more than ever in my life.  I had always exercised, sometimes more, sometimes less but always an active person.  I played sports, rode and trained horses, taught ballroom dancing and so much more that ‘should’ have allowed me to be a more fit person but always I was enveloped by this fat suit.  Now, believe me, I know why it is there, it serves me well on some levels but that’s a subject for therapy now isn’t it?  Hehe.

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In 2004 I went to Duke University and spent 5 weeks at their “in house” weight loss clinic.  I was desperate and had reached the end of my ability to cope with this weight that is killing me and I finally admitted that I needed help.  You live off campus but you are there from 8am till 8pm (or so) and you eat all your meals there, you have classes regarding weight that address the physical, medical, emotional and spiritual as related to your weight problems.  The program is lovely and had I stayed there for say, 2 years, I might have lost a good portion of my weight.  Having your food handed to you, having a personal trainer take you through your workouts, no stresses of real life, being taken care of for once and not having to do anything but focus on your own health is a wonderful experience.  Not a realistic one, but it is nice.  I lost 18lbs in 5 weeks, not bad eh?  After I left there I managed to keep the weight off for approximately 2 weeks before it started creeping back up.  I tried desperately to do what I had learned but slowly I watched my defeat become painfully obvious.  I had a lot of new tools that I had learned and yet I found that despite my best efforts I could not maintain the level of control that I had experienced in the program.   It became emotionally and financially blatant that I had once again failed only this time it had cost thousands of dollars that I had asked my husband to allow us to invest in me.  No, the money wasn’t a waste…  I did learn a lot of useful tools and became more aware of myself, but it was certainly difficult to deal with being such a black hole for our money and being unable to attain any success was like a death sentence for me.  I had reached the end.

It took almost a year for me to come to accept that I was going to have WLS. I had considered it for years, over and over and always running away from it. I HAD to be able to do this on my own.  I could NOT deal with having the anatomy that God had made perfect, turned into some experiment.  I just could not accept that I would have to resort to surgery for what I felt was my own lack of willpower, my own failure to follow through, etc. etc. 

You all know the drill.  If only I had done this or tried that or worked harder or eaten those… if only.  But wasn’t 34 years of living life like this enough?  I had spent the last 22 years on diets, failing, hating myself, trying harder, failing, hating myself more, everything in my world that was negative centered on my weight.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t truly believe that.  I know that my weight was a handy dandy excuse for a LOT of my ‘failures’ that I chose to ignore, not do, run away from and when the weight comes off, uh oh, I’ll have to face those things as a person that no longer has a fat suit to hide inside. 

So in May of 2004, I decided.  I discussed it with my husband, then my sister who is also my best friend, then my parents and lastly my therapist whom I can only have phone sessions with now that were a continent apart.  I got so much support it is difficult to say without crying.  Everyone was so encouraging, yet fearful and concerned, but they all were on the “We just want you to be happy” boat and if this was what I decided, they would be right there with me.  I decided.  It is done.  I am doing this thing and if it is meant to be then God will open all the right doors as I push at them.  With his help I’ll find the right path and make the right decisions.  Wow, did that ever come to pass.

I began my search with knowledge of the RNY, much knowledge.  Again I had researched it for years.  I did my work, I did my research and I found the best surgeons in my area and began interviewing them.  I found the one I wanted, most excellent RNY surgeon he was and I had my first appt. with him on June 24th, 2005.  Much to my luck, on my first visit to him I met a patient of his in the elevator.  This gentleman had had the RNY 1 month ago, had lost 50lbs and was very happy with his life as it is.  Super excited and a wonderful advocate for the surgeon and the surgery itself.  That day changed my life.  He told me about Obesityhelp.com and I will ever be grateful for that.  I did all of my pre-op testing, my insurance company, Oxford, was excellent with everything.  Approved quickly once the tests were done and were talking EXTENSIVE testing.  Wow, so much but everything came out really well and just 2 days after submitting the request for approval, we got it and I had a surgery date scheduled.  That RNY was scheduled for Sept. 15, 2005. 

I went to all the pre-surgery meetings, the support groups, listened to people talk about their lives post RNY, asked lots of questions and the deeper I got in, the more terrified I was.  I KNEW I was doing something so horrific, that I was sentencing myself to a life of hell WITHOUT the guarantee of 100% success and that I could actually screw this up too.  The restrictions, the blind stomach, the side effects, the lifestyle, the food tolerance/intolerance was just so terrifying.  But I HAD to do this right?  I had to save my life even if it meant living like that.  I know people succeed at it, and that its not always horrid but I just was so scared.  I prayed a lot during those weeks, more than ever and I begged for an answer.  All the doors I had pushed at were open, nothing had set me back and I accepted that I was on the right pathway.  I had to be.

One night, a few days before my final appointment with my RNY surgeon, I just couldn’t sleep.  I was so strung out and worried that I hadn’t slept well for weeks.  But this night was different.  I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I needed to get up.  I got up and went to the OH boards, the main board, as I did every day now.  It’s about 3 am and I’m reading post after post, some good, some bad and there it was; the post that changed my life forever.  There was this tiny little blurb of a post that someone made called “Can’t we all just get along” or something similar.  I clicked on it and there was this little post from a DS’er asking why it was that every time a DS’er came to the main boards and posted, that the RNY’ers attacked them and flamed them and made it so miserable.  Couldn’t we all just get along and accept that our surgeries are good for us, no matter what choice we make?  Of course, there were flames to follow and for some reason, that made me mad.  Now, I had heard the term “Duodenal switch” and had read very little about it other than the misinformation that floats about on the main boards.  Also, I had read that it was a much more complicated surgery and therefore had simply dismissed it without so much as a real glance.  How sad is that?  And how many people do the exact same thing EVERY DAY because we don’t know any better. 

I clicked on that persons profile and read.  I was stunned by what I was reading.  So I went to the DS boards and started reading, and reading, and reading, and clicking on profile after profile and crying openly with relief.  I KNEW that I had found the answer, that my prayers had in fact been answered that night, as I lay restless in bed.  Had I not gotten up then, that post would have been long scrolled off and I never would have seen it.  I stayed up for over 36 hours straight reading and gleaning information.  Looking stuff up, searching websites, finding details, and then searching out surgeons in my area.   I found a couple, then a few more, then a few more and was elated that they were all close.  I called my insurance and yes they do cover the DS!  I started calling Doctors and making posts on the DS boards.  I got so much help instantly that I was just shocked.  I got names, advice, input, experience etc. from the ladies in my area and I just cried with joy and relief. 

The next month was a whirlwind of Dr. appointments, meetings and nearly burning my brain up with so much information.  I felt like I had been let out into the sunshine for the first time in my life and I was just burning up with the experience I was having.  I did go ahead and had my final appointment with my RNY surgeon, as I was just starting down this DS path and I wanted his thoughts.  Here is what he told me.

No, he doesn’t do the DS.  Why not?  Well, to be honest there’s a huge learning curve and he just didn’t want to go through that again.  He has a tremendously successful RNY practice and his mortality rate is low and he just wasn’t interested in doing it all over with another surgery.  HOW HONEST WAS THAT?  WOW, I was so surprised that he was so open about it.  And then came the misinformation, lol.  He then stated that DS patients literally spend the rest of their lives on the toilet with horrible, uncontrollable bowel issues.  BUT that if I was interested in the DS, I should definitely hold off on the RNY and research the other before I went any further.  I really respect that Dr. for his attitude, his honesty and his understanding that I did have options and I should explore them all.  His little faux pas about the toity issues was forgivable. 

I came back to the boards and asked straight up, “Bring on the Poop!”  stories that is… and I got excellent reactions/comments from the DS’ers as always and I never looked back. 

As I searched for my DS surgeon, door after door got slammed in my face.  This one doesn’t do the surgery anymore.  That one only does it open (something I’d like to avoid thank you.)  This ones hospital sucks, that one doesn’t take insurance.  I was starting to feel like maybe I was mistaken, that this might not happen for me.  The one surgeon I had not checked into was Dr. Gagner because he wasn’t on my insurance plan and I really, really wanted to stay in-network if possible but that wasn’t going to happen.  So I made an appt. with Dr. G’s office, spoke with his assistant Alison at length where she took down all my information and was feeling pretty good about the situation. 

On September 15th, the day I had previously been scheduled for RNY surgery, Alison called me and told me to hold onto something because she had a big question to ask.   I had my initial consult with Dr. G scheduled for the 20th.  So she tells me that they got all my pre-cert paperwork, everything is in line and asks me, “If we can get you approved, would you be interested in having surgery on Monday the 26th?  We had a cancellation, the first spot in the morning if you’d like it.”  I like, eh… that’s like a week and a half away and tried not to panic.   So we discussed everything and I eventually said why not, why put it off any longer.  IF the authorization comes through, we’ll do it. 

Now were in panic mode.  Suddenly this is very, VERY real and very, VERY soon.  I post on the boards in a panic and got lots of loving support and congrats and prayers.  The following Tuesday, the 20th of September I went in for my consult with Dr. Gagner.  I was so strung out emotionally, and actually my biggest fear was that I wouldn’t be able to afford him.  My insurance would be out of network for him, and they only pay 70% etc. etc. and I feared that the out of pocket would be more than I could handle.  I cried several times during that appointment; first with the nurse, then his assistant Alison, then with him.  It was so odd, I hadn’t had any emotional outbursts ever before with any Dr. but I knew that Dr. G was the best and I WANTED him to do this for me, but I was so terrified I wouldn’t get it.  We met, we talked, he listened, he answered everything I asked and soon realized that I was in fact informed and determined to have the DS.  He was amazing, absolutely amazing.  I knew instantly that he was the one.  This was my surgeon.  I’ll never forget the first words he said to me once we were introduced and sitting across from each other.  I’m sitting there in tears and he looks at me, hands folded and a kind look on his face and said, “I’m listening” and that he did.  Much love for this man.

After the consult, Alison sent me down for pre-surgery testing.  I was like, EH… we don’t even know if I’ll be approved!  She told me to have faith and so I did.  All that done on Tuesday and on Thursday I got the phone call.  My insurance had approved the surgery for the 26th of September with Dr. G and now all that was left was to find out how much my portion would be.  I made phone call after phone call to my insurance asking them about CPT codes and how much would be covered etc.   Long story shortened, they said they would pay all but about $2,000 of the Dr.’s fees.  I nearly fainted.  I couldn’t believe it.   It was WAY, way, WAY more than I anticipated them paying.  I called Dr. G’s office and confirmed the amount the insurance would pay and I would pay the rest OOP.  Friday the 23rd, back to the hospital for final tests, payment to the Dr. and into panic mode I go.

Then on Wednesday before my surgery, my sister called me.  She said she had been talking with her husband and she was just devastated that she couldn’t be there with me.  He stopped, looked at her and asked, “Why can’t you be then” and she just blinked, and stared at him and realized, there really wasn’t any reason that she couldn’t make it happen.  It was important enough to her that she could push everything else off and be here with me.  It would cost more than anticipated due to the short notice, but it was that important.  She would arrive Friday before my surgery and stay until Wed. after.  Again, I am totally overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude and love for my incredible family.  Overwhelmed. 

She arrived Friday, we went to the hospital for finalizing everything, I started my liquid diet on Saturday morning and much to my GREAT joy I found out that I didn’t have to do a bowel prep of any sort, just liquids for 2 days pre-surg.  OH my God, that was the best news of all, seriously LOL.   I did all right on the liquids, was a little ugh from the lack of protein etc but I made it.  Monday morning my hubby, my sister and I all packed up and headed to New York Presbyterian Hospital for the beginning of my new life.  Whew, an incredible journey already and its really ONLY just starting.  Here we go...