Simply Sassy
I am a fun outgoing young vital woman trapped in a prison of a body! It's like looking thru a window at everyone outside playing and having fun doing all the things you want to do and not being able to get out just being stuck watching from the window.
2/15/05 ~ Tuesday
Well I am in the pre-op stage of things and am moving right along. I am currently doing Atkins and trying to get more active to get this pre-op weight off. I have lost 25 lbs so far. Which has really motivated me to keep going.
There are so many factors that led me to this place I am at. Things that started in childhood with a dysfunctional abusive family. I won't get completely into all that at this point but maybe later.
I am working on myself emotionally everyday...am learning to love myself. Something I don't think I have ever felt in my life. Which has made it difficult for me to love anyone else or to believe in anyone else who loved me.
It was a long road that got me here and it will be a long road to get me out of it...But I am ready to take the journey!
2/21/05 ~ Monday
Went in for my 3rd Psych appointment today...go back again on March 9th. Kinda wondering why she is seeing me so much when others seem to have only had 2-3 appointments. Maybe she thinks I'm crazy...wouldn't be the first person to think that!! LOL
I weighed myself while I was there...down 32.5 pounds so far in my pre-op weight loss!! I had wanted it to be more but hey since Jan 8th thats not bad.
I just hate that initial good fast loss and then the slow down as yer body adjusts. I go back to see my nurse on Feb 28th. So we will see how we are doin then.
I'm striving for a goal and I intend to do my best to get there!!
3/30/05 ~ Wednesday
Well I have been struggling to pull myself out of a downward spiral for the last couple weeks. I have regained 7 pounds. My surgery being delayed because of my pysch eval has left me feeling like I am never going to get there and get my surgery.
When the first blow came about them wanting me to lose 75 lbs. first I struggled with how I was ever going to get to that point but I quickly motivated myself to get the weight off and had lost almost 50 lbs in 2 1/2 months.
Now as I embark upon another setback I am having trouble keeping that motivation and feel like I am never going to get there....which is very scary for me. But somehow I have to get back on track and keep pushing forward. Because I can't stand to live like this any longer.
It is a lonely existence for me. I don't like meeting anyone or going out in public because I feel so very self conscious and ashamed.My life is nothing like how I want it to be.Something has to give...and soon.
4/9/05 ~ Saturday
I finally did it! I went to a support group meeting...and I am so glad I did. It was educational but most of all I left there feeling I had the support of complete strangers.
I had started to think maybe I was just going to give up and continue on this short road to death...which is what it is. But they put the wind back in my sails and made me believe that I CAN do this.
It's hard sometimes....because I look around and even still amongst these people I am larger than most. It's not a good feeling to feel like you don't even fit in with people going thru what you are. But I am glad I finally decided to go and stuck with that decision. I am going to try to attend as often as I can now.
I'm still upset about things being put on hold...Everyone says look at how long you have struggled with this...this little bit of time is nothing! But it seems once you decide that YES you WANT to have this surgery you want it like yesterday!!!
I look at everyone who is getting ready to spend their spring and summer doing fun things that they've always wanted to do...and I envy them. Because there is soooooo much that I want to do and have always wanted to do but can't obtain as of yet.
I think I am going to start my list of things that I want to be able to do. Because as I accomplish them I am going to cross them off and make sure I accomplish each and every one!! My list will probably be pages and pages long!
4/27/05 ~ Wednesday
Well I am going to be seeing a new psychologist on May 12th. for a second opinion. There are a few reasons why I feel I needed to get a second opinion. One of them being that I feel the first one and I just did NOT connect and the other being that I was in a place at the time I was doing the first one that I just did NOT belong there.
I had too many BIG things going on in my life, and I should not have been there at that time doing my psych stuff. Too much on my plate at one time and I was overwhelmed. If this second one agrees with the first then so be it. I will take that and I will do with it what I need to in order to get to where they feel I am ok to have this surgery.
I am trying to keep a positive attitude thru-out all of this but sometimes it's difficult.
Do you think it is possible to be somehow emotionally attached to my fat to be being fat??? Am I using it to keep myself safe from being hurt?? I can't imagine that would be the case because I feel I have dealt with alot of hurt because of my weight.
But sometimes I think I have used it to keep people away from me , to keep me from having to be close to people. Yet at the same time , I want nothing more than to be close to people. I yearn to have someone in my life that I can share everything with.
What am I so afraid of?? Is it because now if people don't like me I can blame it on that I am fat?? And not on that they don't like me as a person for who I am on the inside??
How do you justify being so very lonely yet pushing people away and keeping them at arms length??
I am learning more and more about myself everyday as I take this journey. The hardest part , is learning to love myself.
5/9/05 ~ Monday
It's funny how even here amongst my peers and people going thru some of the same things as I am I feel out of place and like I don't belong. I am having trouble connecting or letting myself be connected.
The diet ~ well I haven't been able to stick to it lately. Seems no matter how I try I just can't get back on track. I guess the problem is that there is this part of me that thinks the surgery is just never going to happen. That it's just one more thing in my life that gave me hope and made me feel I might actually have a chance at a normal life but it was a false sense of hope and like everything else I have tried and strived for before it just isn't going to go as planned.
Where do I turn to muster back that motivation and hope when it's been snuffed out??
Maybe this little pity party is the result of me just having had a bad week. Pressures of single parenthood and having no help seem to have peeked this week to an all time high. And I wonder sometimes how the hell I am going to make it thru these years.
Reaching out for help isn't always one of my strong suits , so I am glad that I haven't closed this door completely and am still here struggling to get thru all that life throws my way.
5/26/05 ~ Thursday
Well I met with the psych that I was going to have do my second opinion and basically I will not be going back. He tells me the moment I get in there he has already talked to my 1st pysch and told her he was seeing one of her patients for a second opinion.Then tells me he would be in close contact with her while he does my second opinion. Like he is going to remain unbiased right???
So my next step you might ask~~~~I'm going to go straight to Dr. Baker w/ my therapist and we are going to talk to him and see if he would be willing to go forward with the surgery if I am in compliance with doing the things instead of having to complete them BEFORE a surgery date.
Well I am back on the diet, plugging away at it. It seems alot harder now than it did when I started it before. Maybe because the thought of trying to stick to it for a year or more before getting surgery seems to unrealistic and unobtainable to me. But I am trying , can't do more than give it my all.
Well I turned 34 on the 14th of this month and it amazed me how I seemed to have such a difficult time with it and was in a real funk. But I don't think it really was about the age persay but more of a feeling that life is passing me by and I am missing out on all the things that I long to do.
I want to go on vacations , go to fairs , play ball with my kids , go on bike rides , walk around the lakes with my kids , go dancing , DATE , have sex for cryin out loud!!! And right now I'm either not healthy enough to do them or to embarrassed and disgusted with my body too. There are a million more things I could list but it would be too long to list here. Maybe some day I will make a list and I will be able to cross them off as I do them.
~~~~Someday~~~~
6/3/05 ~ Friday
Well I am still pushing forward at trying to get a surgery date. I went yesterday to see the nurse at the bariatric center. I am glad that I did because it was motivating. I am struggling to keep off the weight I lost already and any extra I get off is just a plus. I was amazed to find out I had lost another 5 lbs. I am now officially down 60 lbs!!!AMAZING! I truly can almost not believe I have done that on my own. We did my measurements and I was sooo excited! I've lost 11 inches off my waist. 11!!! Can you believe that?? I think that was the motivation I needed to stick with this diet and try to get off even more on my own.
The nurse is also going to talk to the person I did my pysch eval with and see if she would agree to let me keep proceeding forward since I am in the therapy she asked for instead of having to finish the therapy BEFORE we can continue. So I have my fingers crossed!!
Been plugging away at this for 7 months now. And even if she were to say yes a surgery date would still be a couple months out. Waiting for approval and doing the teaching and getting a date will all take time. So that would give me even a couple more months in the therapy. If she doesn't agree to that , well then I'm not quite sure what I am going to do from there.
~Patiently waiting~
6/5/05 ~ Sunday Mornin
Just sittin here jammin out to my song.........
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don’t belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels alright
You don’t know what it’s like to be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over?
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you’re bleeding
No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels alright
You don’t know what it’s like to be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I’m happy
But I’m not gonna be ok!
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don’t know what it’s like
What it’s like!
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like (what it's like)
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life
7/3/05 ~ Sunday
Been a while since I've written anything.Still struggling to get back on track with my diet.I will do well for a while then slip off again.This waiting game really takes its toll on one's motivation.
I went to see the first psych person again to ask her to reevaluate me to give me clearance. She said she was very impressed and happy with my progress and wants me to take the MMPI over again and then we will see if we can get me moving forward to a surgery date!!
So fingers crossed and lots of prayers , hopefully this is it! And maybe just maybe I will have a date sometime soon. I go back on the 8th to take the MMPI. Will update after that!
Happy 4th of July Everyone!!
7/31/05 ~ Sunday
Well guess whatttttt???? She is giving me the go ahead to go forward!!! OMG I can't believe the time is almost here! I am sooooo close to starting my new life I can taste it!!
So all thats left now is sending it to insurance for approval. I can't believe it....it's only a matter of time now and my life is going to change beyond my wildest dreams!! I was sooo struggling to stay on my diet all this time...I've gained 10 lbs back but am working at getting that back off plus some!!
Thanks to everyone who has kept me going in this long journey! Don't know what I would have done without you!
8/10/05 ~ Wednesday
Sighs....my ex-husband who was ordered to start and pay for Cobra insurance for me I found out has not done so. What does this mean??? Well it means that in 9 days if I don't come up with like $1,500 I will no longer be eligiable to even have the Cobra and I won't be insured. Which means...no surgery!
I couldn't believe it when I found out.I spent the day curled in a ball crying...I mean why can't this somehow seem to pull together so that I can have this surgery I sooo much NEED to have! I want to be able to play with my kids at the park , go bike riding , date , just be able to walk without feeling like I'm going to die!! I don't know where to go or what to do from here. Part of me feels like just giving up. But then another part of me says FIGHT!! Which part I will listen too....I don't know!
8/14/05 ~ Sunday
By the grace of God...and a special person in my life , I got the money for the Cobra insurance. I am so moved and so grateful that I don't even know how to put it in words.
So...the only thing left is getting everything turned into insurance and getting a date. I am so nervous yet excited at the same time.
I am going back to church this morning...for the first time in a long time. I need to bring God back into my life full force. He is the only one who can be with me 24/7 thru this journey and help me make it the biggest success of my life!!
I will keep you all posted when I get a surgery date...it will be a grand celebration. That day...will be the first day of the rest of my life!!
9/2/05 ~ Friday
Well I GOT my APPROVAL!!! Can you believe ittttt?? After all this work and all these road blocks....I am APPROVED! And I have a surgery date for September 28th!! I am soooo excited....I can't stop thinking about all the things I want to do!! Part of me is nervous and scared though as well. I've never had surgery before...so that fear of the unknown is gripping me as well. But I do KNOW that I have GOT to do this. Or the quality of my life is over.
I can't wait to start my new life!! 'Losing side' here I come!!!!
10/15/05 ~ Saturday
Well I had my surgery 2 weeks and 3 days ago!! It went well...without any complications! Doc Baker is my hero! I had made it down to 358 lbs by the morning of surgery! Which coming from 425 lbs in the beginning of this journey was a great accomplishment for me! I am now down to 340!! I can't wait to be out of the 300's!
My surgeons office puts us on liquids for 3 weeks following surgery! It has been a hard struggle and at times really emotional! I never realized how much I depended on food in my everyday life!
I find myself not knowing what to do with myself! And then I cry...and start thinking what the hell did I do to myself. This is permanent...this is forever! I KNOW that I needed to do this....but these are just some of the things I need to deal with along the way in my journey! I am sure that once I start reaping some of the benefits those scales will balance a little more and I will be having different feelings about having had the surgery.
You have no idea how life changing this is going to be for me. I have always been the fat girl! I got so sick and tired of hearing from people....oh you have such a beautiful face if you would just lose weight! Ugh! Why couldn't I just have a beautiful face and be fat!
This journey is going to be a crazy one I think....there will be many up moments...and many down moments. And everything in between!! The emotional roller coaster has already begun.
Hang on....it's gonna be a bumpy ride!!
11/3/05 ~ Thursday
Well....I am not doing so well emotionally. I haven't lost really anything in like 2 weeks and I am an emotional wreck. Ya know if anyone could fail this....it would be ME!!
I am treadmilling everyday...I am eating what I am supposed too but the pounds are NOT coming off. And it is too soon to be plateauing already.
I can't seem to bring myself to open up to anyone and talk about how I am feeling because I just feel like everyone else has done so well with their surgery and here I am....failing. And I just started.
I feel so lost right now....and am not even sure what direction to turn in.
11/14/2005 ~ Monday
Well I am feeling fantastic physically. I am able to walk alot further without so much difficulty. I have been busy putting in applications trying to find a job now. Just the next step in bettering myself and my life. Emotionally I am feeling better than I was.....but this is a rough road.
I can't help but have these feelings of wanting this journey to go faster. I guess I am so anxious to be on the other side of this journey...to be at or close to goal and maintaining. I know that will come...in due time. But when there is this whole lifetime of things out there that you want to experience it's hard not to get anxious and want to hurry things along. I keep trying to remind myself.....slow and steady wins the race!!
I am now down 33 lbs now since surgery. Weighing in at 325 now. Which means I have hit my 100 mark for total loss! 100 lbs. isn't that amazing??? The sad thing is when your still left with so much more weight to lose it's hard to be as excited about that 100 as I should be.
I feel like I am being so selfish sometimes. But I just feel like I have missed out so much on life....always sitting on the sidelines being the fat girl. I can't wait to get off the sidelines and be out there LIVING! I am doing alot more than I have been able to in years....so for that I am grateful!!
11/23/2005 ~ Wednesday
Well tomorrow is Thanksgiving....my first big Holiday post-op and the biggest part of it is feasting on lots of food. I'm almost dreading it...and how I will handle not being able to really eat much of anything.
I am emotionally again on a downward spiral....I believe it's a mixture of the Holiday's looming up and the fact that I can't find work. Not having the finances to make Christmas as great as I would love to for my kids and loved ones. My van on it's last leg of it's life I think. Just an abundance of unfortunate ordeals.
The scale is again NOT my friend!! Moving back and forth between the same 2 lbs! I just feel like I am not losing as quickly and as well as I should be.
I am fighting with hunger! I am not sure if it is just head hunger or true hunger....but I am battling with it none the less. I was down to 320 but am now back up to 322! How the hell do I keep gaining , when your only eating like 300-400 calories a day!! I have to make this surgery work for me! It was my last chance at leading a normal life!! **Sighs**
I know that if people are reading this...they must think I am a lunatic by now! But it helps me to record these thoughts and feelings as stupid or crazy as they may be at times. They are still my thoughts...so I gotta muster thru them somehow.
2/12/2006 ~Sunday
Well it has certainly been a while since I have updated. My life is forever changing and I am slowly morphing into this person I do not know or recognize.
I am now down to 282 which means I've lost 143 lbs all together. Amazing....I feel great!!
But I am struggling with alot of self image issues. I still have a long ways to go...my body still does not look pretty and I think I need to come to grips with the fact that it is never going too no matter how much I loose. If I could just come to grips with myself and decide that it doesn't matter I am beautiful anyways I would certainly be better off. But for right now I am stuck feeling like what I see is disgusting to me.
As far as other things go...I feel fantastic. I took my kids roller skating...and I skated with them!!! For the first time in 20 years! I go out regularily with some wonderful friends I have made. I have gotten to buy new clothes...off the rack and not out of a catalog!!
The ride is still like a roller coaster...but I am hanging on tight!!
4/18/06 ~ Tuesday
Wow...my updates get fewer and further between don't they?
Well let's start with the good things. I am now down to 263 lbs...for a total loss of 162 so far. I just bought a bicycle recently which I have since been out riding twice! That was scarey..first time on a bike in like 15 years! I can't ride real far yet but will keep at it!
I am now in a size 24 jeans...from my all time high of size 6x stretch pants! It was an awesome feeling squeezing my ass into those things let me tell you!!
I had a consult with the plastic surgeon and he has submitted to my insurance for approval to do a panniculectomy. So we are now in the waiting process for hearing back from them! That would mean the removal of the excess fat and skin from the belly button down. Won't take care of all the skin issues I have but will take care of the big apron. Anything else I will have to cover on my own.
Ok...now on to some other issues. First I am struggling with alot of things. I am having a hard time dealing with emotions that I normally used to eat away! I just don't know what to do with my emotions. I have started partying alot...I have been going out 4-5 nights a week. I have been consuming alcohol not every time I go out but more than I should. I just seem to be going thru some kind of phase....I don't know if it is normal. I don't know if it is something others go thru or what.
I have not been promiscuous as far as having sex with different men. But I do find myself not knowing how to deal with attention given to me by the opposite sex. I find myself seeking it out but then not being able to handle myself appropriately when I get it! I am quite the 'case' ain't I???
Well they were sooo right when they said this surgery isn't brain surgery and isn't going to fix all the issues on the inside that brought you here.
I think it is time to seek some help in dealing with the sad, lonely, worthless feeling little girl who has hid away inside this big body all these years.
5/18/2006 ~ Thursday
Ok....it's that time again, to update and journal my thoughts and feelings thusfar.
First off....I was approved for the panniculectomy. I am thinking about trying to have it the end of August , beginning of September....because I don't want to be laid up all summer. That will also give me the summer to hopefully get some more weight off.
I gotta tell you sometimes I feel like such an ungrateful ass...because I see how happy this surgery has made all these wonderful people that I know. And here I am...confused and unsure of the new me as she emerges.
I think that I was completely naive before my surgery as to what this surgery was going to bring my life. It is simply a bandaid , barely holding together a gaping wound. The shell has changed...but the scrambled mess inside remains.
I still feel those feelings of worthlessness, loneliness, need. I still have this void in my life. Happiness is still always one step ahead of me. Fear grips me tighter than ever...because I have lost my coping mechanism. I can't eat away all these feelings. People notice me now...it is harder to hide my short comings when people actually 'see' me!
Even though I am struggling...I would do this surgery again in a heartbeat!! I just would have done it knowing it wasn't the 'fix all'!! A million people could have told me it wasn't...and 100's did! But until I was 'here' in the midst of my journey...it never sank in.
I am grateful for the opportunities that the surgery has so far afforded me...And I am sure that there will be many more things I am grateful for as I progress. But I also struggle with my 'demons'...and I know that I cannot be the only one who does. So in my venting and sharing...I hope that it reachs someone who needs to know they aren't alone either.
I think my next post in here...will be a list of some of the wonderful things that have come about because of my WLS!
~8/10/2006 Thursday
Wow I need to update more often!!
Well the scale is moving again...slowly but surely! I was beginning to feel like I was done with my weight loss. But I also was slacking on my program...so I had to give myself a little wake up call! I am now down to 235 lbs only 10 lbs away from the goal I wanted to meet for my 1 year post surgery appointment and I still have another 6 weeks to pull that 10 lbs off!! I had wanted to have lost 200 lbs by my 1 year and I am almost there!!
I have an appointment on August 22nd for a second consult with a plastic surgeon, I will then be making a choice as to which one I will use for my panniculectomy. I am excited to have it done and get rid of this excess 'shit' but I am also terrified of the pain, as I hear it is pretty painful. But I KNOW that I want it done! So I will eventually move forward with that plan. Plus that will be some more pounds shed for me! Yay! Plus make it easier for me to be active and work out more.
I will update again soon, I promise. Maybe after my appointment with the Plastic Surgeon.
~ Fri. August 25, 2006~
I did go see the plastic surgeon on the 22nd of this month. Dr. DeAngelis at Park Nicollet Plastic Surgeons. He is absolutely wonderful...
I admit I did leave there in tears and quite disappointed as he told me that he will not take me until I am a year and a half out. He told me to come back to see him in January and we will submit to insurance and make a date. He did also say that he would do the anchor cut on me and it would all be under insurance. So that I was quite happy about as I wanted the anchor cut. After getting over the intial disappointment I do understand the reasons he gave me for waiting. You can bet your ass though that I will be in his office January 1st!! LOL
Life is still roller coaster like with highs and lows all the time. I struggle everyday to remain on track and not let my old demons creep back up. It is hard not having that crutch to help you stuff away all the emotions you don't want to feel. I began to take on another crutch and that was not a good one either....alcohol. I am now trying to pull myself together and stay away from things that will not benefit my life.
I have decided that I am going to seek some therapy to work thru all the things that need attention. Including how this journey has affected my life. Don't get me wrong....I would NEVER go back or regret this surgery. But there are some things that need addressing.
All in time....I will eventually blossom into the woman I want to be.
Tuesday ~ October 3rd,2006
Well I had my 1 year post surgery follow-up today. And here is the update!
Pre-Surgery Weight : 425 lbs.
Day of Surgery : 358 lbs.
Today : 229 lbs (In my nakedness and before breakfast!)
233 lbs (Fully dressed and after breakfast at clinic)
Total Loss Thus Far : 196 lbs.
Inches Lost
Arms – Before 18 ½ inches
After 13 ½ inches
Total – 5 inches
Waist – Before 69 inches
After 45 inches
Total – 24 inches
Hips – Before 70 inches
After 52 inches (will be less after plastics!)
Total – 18 inches
For a Grand Total of 47 inches! I have lost almost 4 feet!!
My BMI went from 75 to 40!
Body Fat Mass was 68% and is now down to 33%!
Doc says I am doing great! I need to get on track with my Iron especially before my plastic surgery, which will be taking place in either Feb. or March of 07. I am still plugging away trying to lose more but it sure has slowed down. Doesn’t help that I don’t always follow the program as I should. But I am dedicated to making this ‘tool’ work for me and will be getting back on track!!
