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Well I lost the court judgement. I was awarded $400 and the
jerk $1200.00.  Seems that even though a price was agreed upon
the Judge thinks that since the jerk had access to my house I agreed on more. HEEELLLOOO, if he didnt have access to my house
how could he have worked?

SO, $1200.00...not sure how I can make that happen.

I think Im going to go cry now.

So much for the happy...

I had a great Mother's Day

I got a new sumemr outfit and a bannana tree! And #1 son is going to go get my mulchand mulch my gardens...can't beat that. 

I'm a lucky mom...I have to of the very best.

Had a great weekend...friends and family time.

I'm happy....wow...I said it again.

had to go to court today....seems the handyman I hired felt he needed
to charge me more after I wouldnt have dinner with him. I think it went well..the judge is going to rule on it tomorrow or next day.

Heis as creepy as I recalled him being. ( the handman not the judge)

Then I get to work and all hell has brokenlose...angry bride because I changed her floorplan according to firecode..she actually went over my head and called my boss...not once but two times! Thankfully he is supportive and knows she is just being ridculous...I gave her 5 day notice that Id have to make some changes fromt he drawing she gave me...and I was still not being cooperative in her eyes! Ya know if brides would focus on the vows as much as they do the reception maybe just maybe the divorce rate wouldnt be so high. ( stepping off my soapbox now)

Things with D going well....keeping figures crossed

Fundraiser this weekend for a man I grew up with...he has cancer
so the old neighboorhood and parish are holding fundraiser to help out...my sister was close to him and is really invovled..I just loved the family overall so Im doing my bit..got a few donations for the auction and will work the dinner portion. I wish we were all getting together for a happier reason. I feel sad...profoundly sad of his illness. 

It's martini time tonight...love a back rub too. Okay 2 martinis and a backrub.

;o)

I am happy. For the first time in months and months
I feel relaxed , happy and even loved. Surrounded in fact.

A year ago today I lost something that change my life profusely.
I look back with fond memories but also at what I achieved.
Mostly heartache...so I thnk it's time to clean up some emotional baggage. Others can't like you if you aren't liking yourself.

Wow...powerful statement that was.

Others can't like you if you can't like yourself.

I told someone I forgave them, yet I really didn't. I kept a vigil
and was crouched like a tiger waiting to attack at the slightest 
error they made........mistakes on my part in several ways...First no one is perfect, and two you can't give an apology if oyu don't mean it.

So basically I didnt trust the person...and in turn that lead them to not trusting me....took me awhile to realize it...but they are right not to...I said I forgave and didn't....so Im as guilty.

So today I houseclean......Im goign to forgive and forget and hope they do the same.

this histocially is NOT a good day for  me...so witht his choice
Im choosing to start making it a good day. May 4! You are a good day!

Yesterday went from bad to worse to fair.

The ex is causing so much grief in my life in so many ways and now his actions are going to strongly affect our children DO I contine
to hide the fact he isn't as great of a dad as he seems or play his little game with him? I am in a corner..either way my little girl is going to
be affected....I could wring his neck.

Came to a greater understanding with a special person in my life
all wants, desires concerns and truths were placed on the table.

He not only welcomes me but my children into his world.

After our talk,  it's a place I want to be. We shall see what the future holds.

Beware...I'm in a 'Mood"

Not sure why...perhaps the snowy cold weather..when it should be spring....still reeling from my botched carpet clenaing and the subsequent idiot owner of the company trying to screw me...of those closest to me not "really" supporting me...instead questioning me...
maybe Im PMSing...even though I do not have a uterus I still think
when it should be "that time of the month" it affects me emotionally...'

Trying to figure our what it is in my life that has me so down. I actually laughed right there...it's more like what do I have going in my life..other than kids not to much........

I can't seem to get along with anyone at the moment...at least it appears that way...and I should be more specific ...its not anyone its
a few.

I can no longer compromise my feelings..they matter. Even if  I am upset for a stupid reason ( in their) eyes it SHOULD matter...my happiness and contentment should be a priority in their live not a number one, but a concern and a priorty..esp if sometimes  a hug
or an I love you would make so much difference.

Settling...to or not to...that is the question

Okay my pity party is over...but Im not answering  or making calls today.

Im having a day off 

I did it! I did It!

I actually went to a family gathering...went sober to. No perscription drugs or alcohol to "help" me through it. Can't recall last time
I did this...sad but true. I just got so messed up. Downward spiral is
the word used to describe it..and I can relate to that anaology best..
I did feel as if I was gettig pulled under.

Everyone was very very nice and friendly...well all but one person
and this is fine by me. THis person is a poor example of a person
let alone "family"  in fact the actions of said person actually made
me bein a better mood....for for the first time in years...literally years
I could care less. I did not take it personally and I positive I will never again. I held my head high...as I should.

Went to church....found it refreshing and uplifting...glad I went back.

Been contuning to hit the gum 3-4 x a week....eating healthier
and more regularly....drinking way less.

SLeep...now if only that would become more regular I would
probably burst with contentment.

SOmeone at work asked if I had a good weekend..and I said

NO, a great one. and they said

" it shows"

;o)

Feeling weepy today...........I haven't actually cried...just kinda feel like it

I think I need a hug

Was supposed to go to Rod Stewart tonight..got tix for my birthday
but it was cancelled....scheduling conflict they claim...lack of tix sales I say!

Good news I can watch premier of Season 3 of deadliest catch...;o)

Whoo Hoo

Well planning on seeing the famiy for Easter. Havent really seen them since last September and that was not pretty...my own doing...
but it's as if it was yesterday. Seen them in church for a baptism but cant really talk there so the therapist said that was safe zone. He wants me
outof the safe zone and into healing zone. I've only seent hem 2 x  since Setpember and both were in safe zones....That or make the choice to break away for good.....I know that is what they probably want but I
am too selfish for that...at least now I am. I miss them so much.
Especially the babies....I think of them all the time....I have alittle book in my desk with their pictures...I got new ones of my niecesboy..I really apprciated her sending them.

Couple weeks ago I drove over to my sisters..theone that really hates me...and Ijust looked at her house...had lot of good memories there
and with her in general....at one point she passe din front of the window.....i forgot how pretty she was. Then I ralized Iw as being a staker of sorts so I left and i wont do that again..I didnt mean to "watch"
and in reality I didnt as soon as I saw that she was home I left...I was just recalling the memories....I will never have the nerve to approch her. I am scared to death of her....I've tried talking to her, but she has drawnh er conclusions , right or wrong, and I have accepted that.


I already feel the anxiety of  going over on Sunday...havent been sleeping but a coupel hours at a time...started self medicating ( my usual MO) but this time I recognized it and STOPPED. SO it was a
little victory. Looking forward to telling my doc that I did it! Swtiched over
to diet pop , sat there a good bit and headed home.  amazingly a year or so ago I couldnt have sat alone in a bar....but now I am used to 
being alone and I don't care what people think. I can be entertianing ...even to myself ;o)

Someone read my blog...wrote me a private email tellling me
to forgive myself....I appreciate the time and thoughts...I'm trying.
I'm pretty much the scum of the earth......at least I feel that way.


I've become a master of looking one way ont he outside...when inside
I just want to fade away for good.