Courtney Durham

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07/01/2006 I've lost 107lbs. 265lbs.  I was happy to hit that 100lbs mark, but this month kind of slowed down for me.  It is totally my fault though.  I didn't realize  my struggles with food would come back so quickly!  I knew what I was getting myself into and all of that with this only being tool and not the answer, but I guess I thought I would breeze through the first year!  I feel kind of jipped that my appetite has always remained in tact.  Meaning, I have gotten hungry since really day one!  I'm not really mad or regrettful, but I was so looking forward to living a life forgetting to eat! haha Overall I'm very healthy.  Enegry is coming more and more.  I hit the gym usually 4x a week.  Sometimes 3x when my week is packed, and sometimes 5x when it's cloudy on weekends and I can't go to the pool!  So overall, things are good.  I am having some "weirdness" to all of the attention I am getting.  It's all positive, but it's still kind of weird.  I'm  having a ball with clothes.  Although I promised myself I wouldn't go nuts with that, I am!  I have become addicted to Marshalls, Kohl's, TJ Maxx, and Ross.  It makes me feel better to know that I can buy clothes that I won't be wearing for very long at such a discounted price!  I have had the fear since before my surgery that I wasn't going to lose, and that is still with me.  I called my parents the day I lost my 100th pound, and my dad said:"So do you think this is going to work for you?"  He was being funny, thinking I would never say so.  My reply:  "Are you kidding?  OF COURSE I don't think it's going to work!  I hit -100 and now that's it for me!!  The craziness I carrying around this fear has got to go!
05/06/2006 BMI: 45  282lbs  I've lost 90 to date, and I have to say, I'm kind of depressed about it.  I wanted to lose over 100lbs by the time I reached my 6 month mark.  I'm pretty sure I'm not going to lose 10 lbs in 4 days.  (05/10/2006 will be six months for me.)  I know I just need to get over it and be happy that I've lost 90lbs!   Other than that, everything has gone well.  I have never gotten sick, and I've pretty much stuck to guidelines.  I haven't had sugar or carbonation to date.  I still wait an hour to drink after I eat, and I am getting to the gym at least 3 times a week.   I'm really working hard to get that number up to 4x.  I can't say that I have an abundance of energy all of the time, but I do have good days, and then I have days that it's hard to even walk at the gym.  Those days are becoming fewer.  My back is feeling a lot better.  I can stand and even cook or wash dishes without having to sit down because of back pain.  And, finally, when I walk, my feet get tired before my back does!  Although I am bummed about the weight loss at the moment, I am overall happy with my results.  I'll get over it.   I am becoming addicted to my scale, which is NOT good.   I moved it this morning to a more inconvenient place.   I can't get rid of it.   I know myself enough to know I would just go out and buy a new one! haha.  Well, that's about it for now!

01/12/2006 BMI: 52   352lbs  I decided to keep my original BMI posted up at the top so people would know what I started out at.  I will try to post my new BMI at the beginning of each update.  Happy New Year!  I am 9 weeks out today and have lost right around 50lbs.   I have no regrets, but I can't say that I feel or look all that different.  It's amazing to see so many people who are 9 weeks out and have gone down three sizes and their lives have changed sooo much.  I'm not down about my progress, I'm just saying I don't feel all that different.  I know in time I will.  I am in a few clothes that were really tight on me, but no means down a few sizes. 
I have tolerated everything I have eaten pretty well.  I haven't gotten sick, which is good too.  (however, I don't feel all that well at the moment.)  Sometimes peanut butter makes me feel sick, but most of the time it doesn't.  I have to get a different kind.  I am eating Lo-fat Peter Pan, which I used to love.  Now, it tastes too sweet!  Never thought I would say that about anything!! I also don't like cheese anymore.  I hate the consistancy!  I'm sure my tastes will change quite a few times!  I couldn't tolerate the taste of any of my protein drinks at first, and now I can drink them.  I hated Nectar and Matrix right after surgery, and now I have a Matrix drink wtih milk every morning.  I just had my first Nectar drink lastnight too.  Much better than the last time! 
Mentally, I am doing MUCH better than I ever thought I would up to this point.  I have never had any of those "what have I done to myself" moments.  I haven't been tempted to eat sugar, bread, etc.  Since I had surgery so close to the Holidays, I was around so many rich foods.  I'm not going to lie, they looked and smelled great!  However, reality hit real quick that I would be soo sick if I even had a nibble of anything!  I wasn't sure how I would be about not having this or that, but I'm ok! 
My attitude is much more "soft" since surgery.  I don't let things get to me like I used to.  I have gotten better about letting things slide.  (However, my boyfriend might say differently!)  I do think I've gotten better as far as he is concerned too though.  Not always on him about where he is or what he is doing..etc... Actually, our relationship right now is better than it ever has been in over two years!  Pretty cool.  At work, I'm not a total smart ass like I used to be either.  I think it's because I am shocked at the out-pouring of love and support I have gotten from my co-workers.  They sent me a big plant after surgery and a few cards they have all signed.  They have called to check on me, and more important, they have kept me in their prayers.  My first day back at work was Monday, where I came in to a huge sign welcoming me back to work! At our weekly meeting, they all gave me a $100 gift certificate to the mall!  They said they wanted to be the first ones to buy me a new outfit when the time came!  I was totally take aback! 

11/21/05 Well, I had surgery on 11/10/05 and I'm doing great!  The only really sucky part was the day I had surgery.  The drugs made me very nauseated.  So basically, Thursday sucked....but I kept reminding myself that this soon shall pass!  It all went uphill from there.  I walked every hour to hour and a half and I did great!  No complications.  My surgeon does send us home with two drains.  One is a feeding tube so we can get all of our protein and liquids in.  The other is a tube to make sure we don't have any leaks.  We drink blue power aid every day for the first two weeks, and if blue shows up in that bulb, we have a leak.  That is supposed to come out two weeks after sugery, but my two week mark is Thanksgiving.  I have to keep this thing in for an extra five days!  I'm trying not to let it get to me though.  It keeps me from wanting to go out and do things, but being only a week and half out, I shouldn't been going out a bunch anyway.  My mom and I do go on walks everyday since I got home from the hospital.  Well, gotta go for now....I will write more later. 

11/03/2005 One week from today.  It seems like the closer it gets, the less nervous I get.  It doesn't make sense! I'm not all excited either.  This isn't going to be a fun process!  It will be fun in a few months.  But this next month or so won't be the greatest.  I think that's why I'm not all giddy.  I do have a lot of energy when I think about it though.  I can't wait to know how it feels to be even 150lbs smaller.  I can't even imagine!  It was over 20  years ago when I weighed 150lbs less than I do now.  I am having a bit of a problem staying focused, but I am busy cleaning up my place and stocking it with everything I need.  My parents will be coming in the day before my surgery, and I want them to have everything they need while they are here.  I go tomorrow for my last appointment with the surgeon.  I also have an appointment with the dietician, and I will then pre-registar at the hospital.  Busy day!

10/13/2005  I still hadn't gotten my approval letter, so I made the mistake of calling my insurance company to ask exactly when it was sent.  The person I spoke to, once again, told me that she saw absolutely nothing about me being approved.  I was so incredibly angry.  I emailed my surgeon's assistant to tell her what was going on, and she calls and says:  "I'm sorry she told you that...because that's not what the letter I just got in the mail says!  It says you are approved!"  I started balling all over again.  My surgery is scheduled for November 10, 2005.  I get goosbumps just typing that!  I am ready!

10/07/2005 Well, I found out through my HR representative that I was approved.  It has been a bit of pain.  First, with a denial saying that the company I work for doesn't cover WLS in it's insurance plan.  As I have said before, I am the one who petitioned to have that exclusion removed, and it was. I got jerked around some more by the insurance company enough to finally call our rep in HR, who got our rep from United Healthcare envolved.  My rep called me on Thursday to tell me that I was approved.  I'm afraid to believe it, considering someone from UH told me that I was approved a week before, but when I called back to ask a question, I found out that I really hadn't been.  I expect I will know my date sometime next week.  Right now I am freaking out a little, but I at this time, I am taking a break from cleaning out my closet.  I guess I should be thankful that I have soo many different sizes in there!  I should be covered for a while!  I think I'm going to go out and buy some different protein drinks this weekend so I can figure out which ones to buy.  I have a few samples already, but I need some variety.  They also stressed that we needed to puree our food at first, not just "cut it up real well".  They said: "Believe it or not, we DO have a reason for everything we are asking you do to!  I guess when you look at it THAT way!

09/10/2005 I had my second sleep test with the CPAP on Tuesday and all went well.  As I was leaving to go to the test, Dr. Mitchell's office called to let me know that they had sent my information to the insurance company for approval!  She said: Aren't you excited?  Of course I said: Yes!  But, I really wasn't!  It was like I felt a huge does of reality slap my body!  I'm not afriad of "giving up food" for a while, I am afraid of dying, of course, but I am also afraid of failing!  People just don't realize how easy it is for them to gain their weight back!  I did talk to a friend of mine who is 13 weeks out for about an hour and a half lastnight, and I am starting to feel better.  I know that I will freak from time to time, so I just need to expect it, be aware of my thoughts and feelings, and keep going!!  Someone told me not to let fear run my life, and boy was that a wake up call!  I think I have always let fear run my life!  Especially where my career is concerned!  I could have an international career right now, but I don't!  Because I'm afriad!  I tihnk I need to borrow Nike's slogan: "Just Do It"! 

08/26/2005 Well, I have attended the Patient Education Seminar, Gotten Heart Clearance, Had a bone density test, thyroid test, and my sleep study.  My surgeon's office called lastnight and said that I needed to go back and get fitted for a CPAP, and once they had proof that I did that, they would file for insurance!  She then said: "It's getting close!"  That was a total shot of reality!  I do know that this process is taking a little longer, and that's ok.  I know that it will happen when its time.  I know more than ever that this is true.  I have had my pshyc exam done.  It went fine.  I really liked the Dr.  She said that most of the time, she needs to bring people back down to earth about what this surgery will, and won't, do for them.  She said that I had a very realistic outlook about the whole thing.  I already knew that. : )
I also went to the patient education class.  It was a bit overwheling at first because it felt like: "Ok , this is really going to happen!!" I am so amazed that the lengths my Surgeon and his Staff go to to ensure our safety and success with the surgery.  There was a male that first spoke and he said that he would be in the surgery with Dr. Mitchell.  All I could think at first was: "You are going to see me naked!!"  I'm kind of over it now.  I have my cardiac exam in a week, and my sleep study test a week after that.  We have been looking at different protein drinks, and have even bought some.  However, I haven't been able to bring myself to drink any of them yet. 
Overall, I am feeling pretty miserable.  I am bigger than I ever have been, and it's so incredibly hot outside, that I just feel awful.  I am so out of shape, and my back hurts constantly.  I had been doing ok this week, not the best, but not terrible, until yesterday.  I had a cinnamon roll for breakfast, a taco salad in a big shell for lunch.  (I ate the whole thing!) I was so miserable at work.  I left and went to the store on the way home to get some milk and eggs.  I also picked up a small chocolate milk & four dove ice cream bars, all of which I ate for "dinner".  A little later, even though I wasn't hungry, I ate some cherries, and two peices of string cheese.    I haven't eaten like THAT in a long time.  I can't even tell you when the last time I have had chocolate milk was!  Today has been better.  I had two hard boiled eggs for breakfast and a bananna.  Oh, before breakfast I had two peices of string cheese to take with my meds.  Mid morning snack was 97% FF popcorn.  For lunch I had a salad from Wendy's and a baked potato.  Tonight I am having some lean beef mixed with manwhich sauce over a potato.  Since I just had one for lunch, I will need to figure out something else.  Maybe some couscous. 

06/16/2005  Today I went to see my GP and I wasn't very happy when I left.  Of course I DID ask what he thought about Gastric ByPass.  I should've mentioned that I didn't really care, I just needed him to sign a letter that I had written and set me up for some tests!  It wouldn't have been so bad if the first thing out of his mouth wouldn't have been:  Well with this surgery, you will never be able to eat much anymore...so why don't you just start eating less now?  Oh my god, I wanted to fly across the room and choke him!!  Instead, I laughed and said:  Gee, I've never thought of THAT before!!!  All he could do was point out the bad things, while I knodded my head in agreement.  I also pointed out that I have been overweight my entire life, that I have lost and gained 90lbs three times in the past 10 years, and that if I die having this surgery, I will have done so attempting to improve my life.  I actually don't believe I will die on the table.  Someone pointed out to me today that I didn't feel that way when I had my gallbladder removed!  Dying during surgery didn't even cross my mind!!! Anyway, the Dr then asks if my insurance is going to cover this.  I'm thinking: What's it to you!  But, I said:  I will have to pay some because this surgeon is not in my plan.  I went on to explain that I didn't choose my surgeon because he was a memeber of my plan, I chose him because I have done a lot of research and he is good!!! Then, I went to the front desk, where a secretary, who was about the same size as me, sat there and told me MORE bad things about surgery.  I gave her an earful too.   What IS it with people??  I don't even know her and I really don't care what she thought about ME having surgery!  I pointed out that for one of those bad stories, there are 20 more great ones!!  I have done my research, I have heard every bad story there is to hear.  In fact, I really don't NEED to hear anymore stories either way.  I don't need to keep obsessing over the message board on this site, searching for the answer.  The answer is inside of me!  I am going to try to stop reading it so much.  I need to turn to myself now.  I was watching this show on MTV lastnight (trust me, there was nothing else on!haha) and it was on Destiny's Child.  They always pray backstage before their concerts and I am glad that I watched.  She said:  Lord, you could've chosen so many people to be where we are, but you chose us, and we thank you for that.  I feel that way about many aspects of my life.  I am thankful that God chose to bless me with the tallents that he did.  I now just need to get out of my own way and share them with the world!

06/11/2005  Well, I went to the seminar, and I feel more comfortable with Dr. Mitchell than I did even before.  He has an aftercare program for life.  During his presentation, I wrote down a full page of questions, and he answered each one of them.  Including the one about the rotting intestines!  He said it was called "dead intestines" and that it is very rare, and very difficult to detect.  I also felt very relieved when I explained that I have read about so many post-ops going to their regular doctors and to the ER with "Mystery pains" that no one can figure out.  I didn't understand why they weren't going to their surgeons, and asked him when one SHOULD do so.  I then said:  I don't want to come to you with every little ache and pain", and he stopped me and said:  "Why not? We are here 24 hours a day for you."  There was a kid there who had the surgery done about a month ago.  He lived about three hours away, and when they called about some pains at 7:00pm, they got in the car and started driving.  They got there at midnight, and Dr. Mitchell was there waiting for them.  The guy ended up having phneumonia. 
Needless to say, the surgery has been on my mind non-stop!  I feel worse than ever physically.  I had to weigh at the seminar and, much to my dismay, I am at my top weight again.  Over the past ten years, I have lost and gained 80-100 pounds three times!!!
I have started the seemingly long list of chores that I must complete before I even get an appointment with Dr. Mitchell.  I have to fill out a 15 page form, visit my GP, get a letter of necessity from him, gather my weight ranges from the past 5 years, have a bone density test, a thryroid test, and complete some more insurance "stuff".  Once I send in my completed packet, and it is reviewed, they will schedule me for my psych evalution, and THEN I get to schedule an appointment! I didn't have to do all of this two years ago, but having to do so, makes me feel more comfortable with my decision to start my lifelong relationship with this man. 

06/06/2005  I am going to the information seminar for the second time tonight.  I don't know why, but I am really nervous!  I feel like they are going to perform the surgery tonight!! I guess because it feels more real this time.  It's just so amazing to think of them actually going inside my body to cut up and re-arrange my organs!!  I really need to stop thinking about that.  It seems like every week I get a little more clear on the fact that I do need this surgery to have a productive and more mobile life.  I am 36 years old, and it seems my health is fading quickly.  I am in constant pain. (My back) I have really bad GERD, and lately, my sleep has been affected.  I went out of town this weekend by myself (business) and I never realize how big I really am until I step away from my environment.  I'm just way out of shape!  I want to be able to do things with my boyfriend, my neices, with friends....etc...!  I really want to be able to not fear going anywhere because I may not fit in the seats!  I want to go kayaking, hiking (NOT camping!), water skiing, etc... Anyway, I am looking forward to this evening. 

05/20/2005  Well, it's been QUITE a while since my last update.  I decided in '03 not to go through with the surgery.  I just had this feeling in my gut that I shouldn't do it at that time in my life, so I listened to myself.  I was so worried about complications and blood clots etc...that I didn't feel like I would be entering this with a positive heart.  Also, a friend of mine and I were talking about doing this at the same time.  We had a bit of a falling out and stopped speaking to eachother.  I do know that she went ahead with the surgery and at about 8 months post-op, dropped dead.  After all of the other emotions about her death, I sometimes thought: "Was that a Sign NOT to do this?".  However, they didn't have an autopsy done, and I also didn't mention that she was in her 50's, and started using drugs and alcohol at the age of 11!  She had recovered from that when I met her about four years ago.  The last addiction she needed to conquer...food! 
I have been contemplating surgery again in the past month.  I called Dr. Mitchell's office to set up an appointment and they said that so much has changed since I was there last, they wanted me to attend another seminar.  That doesn't upset me.  I am very anxious to see what has changed! I don't feel as compulsive about it this time around either.  The last time, I would have done anything and everything to have the surgery as quickly as possible.  This time, I am just going to take my time, gather information, following procedures, and glide into surgery.  I am really hoping to have it done by the end of summer, but if it doesn't happen, it will happen when it's time. 
One thing I have noticed by reading the message boards and Q & A's, is that a lot of people around 2 yrs post-op are having some problems....weight gain, pain, gas, etc... I find that interesting and I am going to ask Dr. Mitchell what he has noticed about that.  Another disturbing post that I read was about some woman's intestines "rotting" post-op!  Another question I have for the doctor.  However, I did ask what will happen to that "un-used" part of the organ over 20 years at the first seminar, and Dr. Mitchell honestly said:  We don't really know.

02/21/2003  I have been thinking about WLS for a few years now, but have been seriously researching it since Septempber of 2002.  I have a surgeon and have completed my consultation,phsyc.evaluation, and nutrion class. Apparenlty, it takes a while for the phsycologist to send his results back to the surgeon, and you have to have that approved before they will schedule you for any of the medical testing.  I'm not sure that every surgeon requires a nurtrional class, but I can definately see the benifits of one.  It made me feel comfortable to have such a precise guide for after my surgery.   I see so many questions from AMOS members about what they should be eating because their doctors didn't really let them know. Well, that is it for now, I will write more about myself and my reasons for wanting WLS in my next post.