dgill1

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 I lost 8.5 lbs during the pre op diet and have continued to lose during the clear liquids post op diet.  I was feeling good during the liquid pre op but clear liquids only is hard.  I am really looking forward to soft foods which is many weeks away still and hoping to be at some type of normal eating levels by then.  I am not surprised but don't like having a hard time swallowing very small amounts and getting pains when trying to drink just 2 oz of liquids.  Totally understand the why but still not liking it.  

Thank heavens for my family they are my saviours... There is a lot of love in my life.

I haven't been writing everyday because I have been feeling a little better since my first group diet meeting at the surgeon's.  I made a decision to start doing something and downloaded MyFitnessPal - app to my phone.  It has helped me reduce the amount of crap I was eating.  I am paying more attention to what I am eating and how much I am exercising which is good.

I cancelled an appointment with the Psych. and hope to make an appointment with one of the referrals from the surgeon's office since I felt I was not making much progress - had to re-tell my story and why i was there each time - ugh!

Apparently my sleep is off a bit since it is 2:46am right now and I should be sleeping but am not!  I may be a bit high on the anxiety scale given both boys will be here and I am hosting Easter for the family along with Dad being here... whoa!  I can do this without drinking heavily... lol.

Pretty good spirits... just need to keep walking and watching what I am eating.  1 DAY AT A TIME!

 I had another bi weekly meeting today and another day of over eating from stress!   I would like to get over this.  Tomorrow is the counselor more therapy.  Ned to find a replacement for my stress eating another outlet.

 Can't believe a month has already gone by. I have been at about the same weight now for a month - fat!  Ugh!  I was sad today an noticing that I am sensitive and weepy.  I want my strength and confidence to turn.  Patience may be a virtue but it doesn't feel like it today.

 Saturday and we walked a 5k with the nieces this morning.  Damn I am fat!  I was one of the very last people to finish.  The girls let me sit in the passenger seat on the way there because I'm sure 3 people would not fit in the back seat with me back there.  And the seat was too small for my butt!  Finished the race and went straight to I Hop then we had Chick-fil-e and ice cream tonight!  Crap, crap, crap!!!!!!!

I am ready now!

No more Mrs. Cranky Pants!  I am not sure why but yesterday was a tough one for me... I was really cranky and once work was done I just grabbed my purse and left.  Needed to get away from it all and was tired of picking out a different pair of sweats to wear everyday!  I went to Goodwill, bought a pair of jeans and two shirts.  Don't want to buy too much at this record high weight but I can't wear sweats everyday either - it is killing my outlook on life!

I feel a bit more focused on work lately, like I am getting some of sort of funk I had.  Good thing!

Today I feel very confident that I will be wanting surgery... I think I feel a part of something when I read through and comment on the forum board.  Like I found people that understand what I have been going through.  Makes me feel no quite so alone.

TGIF!

Yesterday I felt good, I felt content, I felt like I could just wait out the 60+ remaining days until a decision from the insurance would come... today not so much!

I am really sick of picking out a different pair of sweat pants to wear daily.  I am frustrated with how I feel.  I am sad when I look at myself in the mirror and think about going out or seeing people.

Okay enough wallowing in self pity!  I tried a new meal replacement drink today - Chike brand banana flavored.  I added 1/2 of a banana, 4oz of 2% milk, 4% of ice, and a few drops of extra banana extract.  It was okay... may be nice for a change of pace but not one that I just loved.

I feel like trying the meal replacement is research.  I feel like I am doing something!!!

My depression seems to be better than when I first got home from vacation in Africa and I believe it is because I have a purpose and a goal.  I am breaking it down into a full blown project with many associated tasks and short term goals to keep myself on track to reach my goal.  All of which sounds just like me to take out the emotion and make this all sounds like work which I have always been able to do with some degree of skill - when life gets tough I usually find myself buried here for comfort.

So I do not have sleep apnea and the insurance approval may be a battle - oh well.  I have made the choice to continue down the insurance path which will take another two months at least.  This gives me two more months to be comfortable with that decision and to look at other financing options, if the insurance will cover complications, a plan for after surgery, and if I will even have it.

Two more months feels like forever in "Dawn" years but I can do this!!!

I got the results of the sleep study and I do not have apnea.  The surgeon's office called to ask me if I would like to proceed and to discuss my options.  I think I know what the options are so I sent an email to get some questions answered and to confirm.
1.  Continue for the next three months and have the package sent to the insurance company to see if they will approve.
2.  Pay for the the surgery myself, the doctors office even has financing options (12K+)
3.  Try another liquid diet plan.
4.  Not really an option but I could do nothing.



I go to the therapist today and maybe that will help but right now I am not really sure what I want to do.  I think I am leaning toward getting financing to pay for the surgery but this will not be an easy conversation with Stacey who doesn't think I should do this anyway. 

Pros of surgery paid by me:
Get it done now... the waiting period goes away
I have more control over the situation
My fate is not in anyone's hands but mine
I can start living my new life
Have a fresh new start goal that becomes real

Cons of surgery paid by me:
COST
Would complications be covered by insurance?
Discussing this with Stacey and getting her agreement

It is a dilema.
 

Got on the treadmill this morning... very .  Not only did I need to turn down the speed from 3.0 to 2.7 but after 10 minutes I stopped because it was hurting my back.  This has never happened... I ate a nice salad for dinner last night but then went out for icecream.  Why?

I got a book this morning to help me better understand my overeating disorder... "The end of overeating"  It is an audio book and I hope will also help me feel like I am doing something now.

Over the weekend I purchased some slimfast and ordered a few protein shakes on-line (Chike).  I am not sure if I ordered these to help me maintain now or if I really wanted to do some taste testing for after surgery but either way I think it's good I bought them. 

I am feeling like surgery is just not going to happen and I will need to get my head wrapped around trying again and meaning it.